FFFF#14: Simply Irresistable

So as I mentioned two weeks ago the guy I'm seeing seems to have really meant it when he said he just needed a break. But my gut told me to treat a break as a break up & I'm glad I did. It made me reassess and reboot my life & direction, and made it a pleasant surprise when he started contacting me again, especially so soon.

These days I am acutely aware of anything that inspires me, motivates me, or sparks any thought or interest. So when on Wednesday night as he and I were texting back and forth, one text jumped out at me & I decided I need to use it!

He texted that I'm too tempting, basically implying he'd rather spend time with me than doing other work or social obligations this weekend. So my ego being stroked aside, it occurred to me that if I really want to make this guy swoon (& who doesn't want to exert all their womanly powers to make a man fall to their knees? Muahaha!) I need to lose weight. Now, don't get me wrong, this guy likes me the way I am, but who doesn't look better when they lose weight, and not to mention the obvious fact that that is exactly what I am trying to do anyway. So I'm thinking if I'm already too tempting then sexy, svelte, skinny Me will be ten times as tempting as Current Me, and he won't be able to resist!

Factor for being Fat Free: I want to be too tempting in every possible way. Simply put, to be simply irresistible! Even *I* won't be able to resist loving me and making sure I always get nothing less than what I deserve.

And because I love to laugh and enjoy being as cheesy as hell, on top of the fact that I'm a product of the 80's, here's a little 80's classic music video:

FFFF#12: Do You See What I See?

I almost missed Factors for being Fat Free Friday! This week has been crazy. Slipping but not quite. Succeeding but not really. Lots of ups & downs, lack of sleep, work, school, study, repeat. Not to mention the guy I was seeing for a year and a half has come back into the picture (wow, did he really mean it when he said he needed a break? Was I too cynical in assuming it was a break up?). I still don't know where he belongs, but I will say I am thinking things through carefully and I'm just glad to have him back in my life because I missed him. As a person in my life I mean. So we're talking. (I never quite understood what people meant by 'we're talking, we're feeling things out' until now. NOW I know!)

Anyway! This isn't about my crazy life, this is about why I want this more than anything. I want to like what I see the in the mirror. I want to be hungry for this again (no pun intended). I want to be ruthless, religious, and uncompromising about every decision I make. I used to be like that when I first started this journey back in 2007. Now I don't even see when I'm slacking off. Anyone who tells you this journey wasn't hard was lying. Throw in a crazy schedule and goings-ons and it's twice as hard.

But I can do it. I must. I want to like what I see looking back at me in the mirror. Every single inch of her I want to like. The assets & the flaws, I accept them all because overall I want to like what I see.

I don't yet. But I'm getting there.

Non-Scale Victories are SOOO Much Sweeter!

I'm just going to come straight out with it:

Today I popped into one of these!<<-----------------------------------------

I couldn't believe it! I don't remember when I stopped being able to do a Standing Split but I do remember the last time I was able to do one with no problems. It was around the time when I was still dancing: so around 18 years old. I'm now 27. While my friends tonight were happy for me, no-one could understand why I was SOO excited about this discovery. Because it meant so many things to me, & as much as I love my new friends dearly, that's just it: they're new. They don't know everything about me (yet).

So there I was in massage class, and I always tend to get a little restless in our practical classes. I think it's the yoga pants and t-shirt uniform and being so aware of my body and everyone elses' bodies, it makes me want to dance, jump around, stretch, and just basically be active!

Well tonight we were working on Range of Motion and of course everyone has different ranges and levels of flexibility. Totally understandable and normal; it's what makes you YOU & what trains us to be good Massage Therapists: Understanding that every BODY is different. I mentioned to CSB that I wish I was still flexible enough to do a standing split. He & another friend asked what I meant. So I grabbed my right instep of my foot with my right hand and said "It's when you grab your foot like this, and you try straighten your leg but I haven't been able to do it for years.... See..." I slowly started to demonstrate and it was clear that my right leg just didn't want to straighten while my right hand was holding it. Poop!

Then I had a "What if..." moment and I very slowly bent my left leg (that I was standing on) and tried to straighten my right leg again. All 3 of us were a little surprised when amazingly my right leg straightened! The final test? Could I hold my right leg straight in the air while straightening my left leg?..... YES! YES I CAN!

WOOT! WOOT! SUCCESS!!!

My gf was surprised & happy for me, I was elated, and CSB was surprised too until he rolled his eyes & turned away (I caught him blushing a little! haha... Why is it boys hear "splits" and their mind goes to one place: the gutter?). I released, I did a little happy dance, and then I did it again to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Nope, not a fluke! Did another standing split like it was nothing! It felt like I really achieved something today: for the first time in a while, I felt like I made real progress.

First off, this means I'm getting more flexible again. Working on getting back to doing the splits effortlessly is something I have been slowly working towards. There's something so liberating and almost empowering to be a "big girl" but show that your size has nothing to do with being flexible.

Secondly, I'd like to think I've lost some inches. Depending on what kind of stretch your doing, there are certain things you just can't do no matter how flexible you are because your rolls of fat get in the way! So either I lost a few inches or got uber flexible; possibly a combination of both. Either way, it's win/win.

Lastly, it's something I haven't been able to do since I was a small size 14 and was fit enough to dance in the World Championships. It was very nostalgic for me in a way. It was a big flashback to another time in my life when I was a size and of a fitness level that I was comfortable with and could do all kinds of things that I took for granted. And today, I earned one of those things back. It felt amazing.

I had forgotten how much more rewarding a non-scale achievement is. Sure, seeing certain numbers is enough to make anyone jump and shout, but those non-scale ones can't be forgotten. For me, they are twice as special. Perhaps because they don't seem to happen as frequently. Regardless, they are not just numbers measuring my progress. They are progress you can see & feel & really connect to. Not just a mind game, which the numbers on the scale can be for me at times. I'm not saying it's altogether a a bad thing though (hey there's nothing like walking around knowing you lost x amount of pounds this week!) but there's something about running an extra mile, fitting into a smaller size, or surviving a party and staying perfectly on plan that has more heart to it.

It inspired me that I'm inching closer to a life I used to have: of fitness, strength, flexibility, and body confidence. But more so it inspires my imagination of what those things will actually be in reality and what they will mean to me this time around. No doubt it will be very different. I am sure my body has changed a lot in 10 years, and not just because I put it under the stress of carrying around so much weight. It's exciting to feel like I took a big step towards that today. I took a big step into my past and into my future simultaneously and it felt incredible!

A Weight Lifted

I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted, and I am extremely surprised that I feel this way.

After 16 months, the guy I was seeing called it off. His comments over the past month or so, and definitely in the last week were leading in the direction of wanting a fresh start, and I thought that he was telling me this because he wanted me to be part of this 'new chapter' of his life. Alas, it was the other way around. He was just having trouble saying the part about wanting me NOT to be a part of it. On Thursday I was a mess; I suspected what he was trying to say, but he was still being vague. I couldn't focus, I was shaking with a mixture of mental & emotional exhaustion and nervous energy. I got home and balled my eyes out, I needed the release. And I will admit, I haven't slept so well in a very long time.

Early this morning (Friday) he contacted me again and I forced him to give me a yes or a no: Does he want me in his life? When he answered with "I don't want anyone in my life right now" (pfft! Still not an answer!) it may not have been a yes or a no, but it clarified where I stood with him. But very surprisingly, my initial feeling was relief.

Here I was ready to fight for this guy, talk through all this and work it out but the second I heard him 'fess up and start being really clear, I knew he was right. Things had run their course. And you know what? For once I don't regret a single thing. He taught me a lot & he will always be special to me.

They say "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I have never believed that more than I do right now.

I wish him all the best, and for the first time ever, I really DO hope we can be friends at some point in the future. For the first time ever I do not want him to be 'Dead To Me'.

As for me and how I'm coping? Like I said, surprisingly relief is the majority of what I'm feeling. Also disappointment and missing him a little already but mostly I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Which is definitely a good thing. To me it means that it is mutual. And an even better thing: There is no ice cream in sight. Instead, the opposite. I feel like I can now focus entirely on me and my weight loss.

I am so happy that my reaction to this is to use the time I used to spend with him or think about him, I will now be using to focus on and think about me. This may just be a reaction and some sort of coping mechanism. But hey, if it keeps the running shoes on and keeps me out of the Ben & Jerry's aisle then I'm going to run with it! (pun intended)

And even better yet, I lost 2.2lbs this past week which is a great loss for me. Something may be coming to an end so that he start a brand new chapter in his life. But the heart of the matter is, it's time for me to start a whole new chapter as well. And that's a very exciting development. As much as I am feeling disappointed and a little blue, I am also feeling empowered and brave. It's an unexpected pleasant feeling out of what could have been a drama-filled, emotionally overloaded situation.

So a very emotionally exhausting week for me. I thought it was going to be all bad, and this week completely surprised me as did my emotions and reactions, and turned out to be all good!

“What's meant to be will always find a way.”

- Trisha Yearwood

PS. I realize I have put much more personal detail in this post than I usually would, and of course feel free to comment on it, but unless I really feel compelled to do otherwise, I will only respond to weight loss portions of the comments. Thanks for understanding!

PPS. I am thinking this is just a coincidence but I am noticing I lose more weight and am more focused on weight loss when I do not have a steady guy in my life. But that is a topic best left for another post.

Fat Girls Are Pretty Too

I am always proud to declare that I am a jeans and sneakers girl. In fact, as I've lost more weight I can't help noticing I am buying more cute tees with prints and more fun sneakers (oh Nike, you know just what i like and the way i like it!). But i have to wonder... is this part of Fat Girl Mentality and I'm just having trouble breaking out of it, or am I truly a jeans and sneakers gal?

Because the truth is, I don't like dressing up. Pretty dresses, high heels (ICK!), the whole notion makes my heart sink (did you see that right there? an 'ick' to high heels? what the hell is that??). I feel uncomfortable, and in my experience I spend most of the night fidgeting or primping. By the end of the night I'm tired and quiet, or worse, cranky because my feet hurt, and ultimately I didn't have a great time because I spent most of it concerned or distracted by my outfit.

Now is that just the Fat Girl talking or is that the Jeans and Sneakers girl talking?

Part of me thinks it's just cause I'm not used to it and I don't do it that often, and hey, jeans and sneakers ARE more comfortable than a revealing LBD and stilettos (double ick!)

But another part of me thinks it's the Fat Girl screaming 'I look like a whale! Take me home!' I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to look beautiful because I can't possibly be... I am a hippo. In fact, I am usually feeling just shy of the image of lipstick on a pig. Except in this case it's 'the LBD on the fat chick'.

Isn't that horrible?! But it's these types of thoughts and emotions that I KNOW (and hate admitting) that I have to deal with if I even hope to keep this weight off for good.

Take the guy I'm seeing for instance. He'll talk about wanting to take me somewhere and how I'll be dressed in heels and a flirty dress and I feel myself inwardly sigh. I want him to accept the girl in jeans and sneakers, not try to change me into something I'm not. But maybe I'm so determined to be stubborn in my ways (which would not surprise me!), I think I might be blind to the bigger picture: he wants to see me dressed up cause he thinks I look great (that's it right? Not that he's trying to change me? That he actually thinks I look pretty, and not lipstick on a pig pretty, but actually pretty...??)

Or like how I notice he'll compliment me when I do wear a skirt or on the rare occasion I wear heels (they're probably just wedges. And wedges hardly count as heels now, do they?). Or I'll notice how sometimes if I am wearing a dress it's almost like he can't keep his hands off me! So why do I resist so hard when evidently most of it, maybe even almost all of it, is in my head???

OK, so maybe this all might just be him just liking his girls girly. And as much as I love my jeans and sneakers I will admit I am a girly girl at heart. I like cute stuffed animals, I giggle, and I scream at spiders and bugs. But I have a sneaking suspicion that that's beside the point anyway. I think the point is why do I insist on feeling ugly when I am even one of the lucky ones who gets compliments telling me that I'm not!?!

I am on a journey to shed weight, but I think I also need to shed some of my attitude as well. OK a lot; I need to shed a LOT of my attitudes and beliefs. I am NOT a cow dressed in a mumu. I am a pretty, 20-something girl who looks fabulous in a LBD and sexy heels (ugh, do I have to?). I don't quite believe that yet, but I'm trying...

I think this is a HUGE case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

See You on the Other Side

This is just a little advanced warning that I will most likely be MIA for the next 1-2 weeks. I will be at least trying to keep up with my Factors for being Fat Free Fridays but I can't make any promises*.

School is getting crazy but I'm loving every minute of it. There are the 20 class hours a week, but quizzes and assignments are multiplying, not to mention finding practice time. If massage was something you could do alone I am sure I would have no problem finding the time to practice (although if it was done solo I am sure it's called something else) but scheduling time with a classmate or friend also eats up precious time. Then there's also the physical exhaustion that comes from massage. My abs are still tingling and my quads are still feeling the affects of holding those squats on Saturday. (Bright side? My abs & quads will be ripped in no time!)

Work is also crazy. Usually it's boring, uneventful, and monotomous (just the way I like it. Otherwise I'd never find the time to study!) But I am getting a pseudo promotion (it's a higher position, but in a different department, hence the 'pseudo' part of it) which means eventually replacing one of my current shifts with one of the new position shifts. No problem. BUT... in the meantime it means doing ALL my current shifts PLUS 2 shifts of training for the new job. Yikes. This all equates to a few 14-hour days, and me having to rely on being a perfect lil angel when it comes to eating right, and trying to get as many steps in as possible because there's no way I can keep my sanity (and get enough sleep!) if I add a full-blown workout to those 14-hour days.

I'm a little scared too because me + theatre + long hours = how I got fat in the first place! I am going to allow myself the extra piece of fruit and/or yogurt if I feel like I need it, because it's a way better choice than running to the 99c pizza slice place on the corner! So if I'm going to add extra calories, I promise they will be filled with nutritious values like protein, fiber, and organic items, and not full of fat & sugar!

So between work, school, studying, practicing, eating right, getting enough sleep (a big challenge for me!!), and doing the mundane things like cleaning, laundry, and keeping my sanity, I am thinking I might not have time to blog. Just sayin'.* I am going to try tweet when I can, and who knows? Maybe I will become WonderWoman and find the time to do it all afterall! Who says we can't have our healthy yogurt parfait and eat it too?

Wish me luck!... See you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter! (and not too exhausted!)


*No offense to my lovely readers or my blog that has been a great source of motivation for me (commitment to writing = commitment to staying on track & succeeding!), but if I can't find time to spend with my guy during the next 1-2 weeks, then I REALLY can't make any promises about how much time I'll spend on here! lol. But you guys know I love you :) Stay tuned, and in the meantime, kick the fitness & healthy diets up a notch, and kick some weigh-in ass!

Who Do You Worship?

What better day to talk about 'our bodies being our temples' than on a Sunday! So please turn the page* with the passage about how we are taking control of our bodies and fighting the fat!

I had an amazing day yesterday. If I haven't already mentioned I am studying massage therapy and should have my license by January 2011. Studying massage therapy and ultimately becoming a massage therapist for me means not only a more lucrative second career (although it may end up being my first and maybe one day even my only career... we shall see) but for completely selfish reasons I wanted to bring health, body, and wellness into my daily life. And let me tell you, it's working!

Not only do I have class 4 days a week (one of those days is a full day of hands on classes, both giving and receiving massage. And yes we have to get naked to receive massage - yikes! - but more on that later) but I am studying and/or reviewing everyday. There's a lot of science study/homework of course as well as the practical stuff like techniques and body mechanics, but essentially what ALL of this stuff points to is LOOK AFTER YOUR BODY.

We only get one. So why do I insist on abusing and torturing mine? (I say 'do' not 'did' because although I would love to refer to it in the past tense, I'm not quite perfect yet when it comes to healthy habits! Well, not yet!) Sigh! But that ugly, depressing thought aside, it doesn't actually make me dwell on the 'Why?', it makes me dwell on the 'Why don't I change it right now?' Awesomeness, right? I'll say! Crack that whip and let's get to it!

First of all, all my science classes make me want to be anatomically correct (I don't see any diagrams or dummies with bellies or jiggly thighs!) and all my practical classes.... well, it's twofold! One: it would be nice not to feel self-conscious when people are palpating or massaging you (Oh you can't feel it? yeah, you just need to push harder through that area of fat to feel it). And two: it would be nice to already have a lot of the strength and endurance that is required to massage!

Now I'm not talking strong arms or hands like most people think, especially in regards to Swedish massage. I'm talking core strength and lunges. Yep, lunges! And don't even get me started on the core strength needed in Shiatsu class so far...

But I am loving every minute of it. It is inspiring me to work harder, stay more focused, keep making healthy choices every single day, and keeping me so thrilled that I have chosen a second profession that will keep me fit. Not only fit but does so whilst reminding me how important it is to be relaxed and centred, and above all in balance. Amen to that!

PS. My practice partner is a totally cute STRAIGHT boy who when he asked me to be his practice partner I happily said yes seeing as he's quickly becoming my new bestie. It wasn't till later that the logistics set in... ah crap. This isn't sitting around the living room, buried in anatomy textbooks and comparing notes with my Cute Straight Boy (CSB). This is getting naked and rubbing oil all over each other! Eeek! I don't care that I'm seeing someone or that CSB has a girlfriend - it's still 'eeek!' But it turns out he was just as nervous as I was, and once we got going, it was so much fun! Both receiving the massage (he's really good!) and giving massage (he dozed off a little and the first thing he said to me afterwards was 'more... I want more!' so both of those things are a really good sign that I think I might just be good at what I do). But even though I had an amazing time both in and out of class yesterday, that doesn't mean I wasn't self-conscious. Having CSB massage me at least once a week is definitely another reason and incentive to drop the weight, and fast!

*I'm not sure what the page number is... try searching in the Book of Revelations ;)

You Can Take the Girl Out of the Blog...

Oh my! Ever since classes started I am one busy, busy girl! But don't worry, I have stayed faithfully on track. If anything, that's the reason I wasn't blogging - every spare second was taken up being as healthy as possible in the given circumstances!

Hopefully more to come on my busy little bumblebee happenings later... right now I just really wanted to post some runs! I think I'm ready for week 3 of c25k. I kind of want to do week 2 one last time; I'm not sure if that's because I want to make certain I'm ready to move on, or because perhaps I'm scared to. So far c25k is surprisingly, almost eerily!, easy!

PS. After mentioning to a friend that I just improved on my fastest mile time, he challenged me to run a mile in under 8 minutes. Now, I'm a long way off from that, not to mention it's a little unfair seeing as he's uber buff, fit, and a bit of a gym junkie and he can only do a mile in about 10 minutes. (OK he's a little lazy on the cardio, but I still see him as a gym junkie. And yes, he's a little bit yummy as well! All the deliciousness with none of those messy calories!) Plus he's 6'1 and I'm only 5'3! Hello?! I have shorter legs! But he doesn't seem to care. And honestly? Neither do I. I'm still up for the challenge!

I am not sure what I get if I meet this challenge because we are still working out the details, and to be perfectly honest I am not sure exactly why he is challenging me to do this. Part of me thinks it's the wannabe Personal Trainer and lover of all things fitness in him wanting to see me excel, part of me thinks he's just being a ass (because boys can be dumb!) and throwing it out there half as a joke and half thinking I can't do it (and if that's even remotely true, I'll show him!!!), and part of me thinks (& I'm not afraid to admit that this is my favourite reason!) I know he thinks I'm hot now so he can hardly imagine how smokin' hot I'll be if I'm fit enough (and light enough!) to run a mile in 8 minutes or under :)

It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen!

STOOPID!!!

I ruined my own run this morning! I could kill myself! I felt so angry and disappointed at the same time. In fact, I still am feeling disappointed. Let me start at the beginning and take you on the whole journey...

Got up at 6am. I was at the park by 630am. I was feeling great. Early mornings do that to me. Partly cause there's something so exhilarating yet peaceful about early mornings and partly cause I'm still impressed when not only do I get up early, but I get up and run. Call it 'Fat Girl Mentality' but sometimes I still can't quite believe that I do that.

After a 5 minute warm up walk I'm off for my first interval run. Dodge the dog walker with 5 dogs. Overtake a runner - woohoo (OK, so he was about 80 years old but I still overtook him!) Oh dammit, should have worn my other sports bra (yes, I play favorites, especially with my workout clothes). Then I start having this weird feeling. It kinds hurts. I'm not sure what it is. I put it down to my body just waking up and keep going.

As I'm walking off my first interval I can't help feeling that this doesn't feel right. The paranoid fat girl in me is worried I'm having a heart attack. But that's not quite it. It feels lower. It's time to start interval #2 and decide to push on. I'm sure it will go away...

Well I barely made it through the second interval. Something was wrong and it was ruining my run. The first emotion was surprisingly anger. I was annoyed i couldn't run. I had no idea what was wrong. It was almost like I felt like throwing up. Oh bugger is that it?? Crap, am I... pregnant? Oh shit shit shit! But how?? We were careful... We always are... Do I need to swing by the drugstore on the way home?? But I didn't bring any money... Argh! What to do... What to do...

Then I realized. Wait, didn't I have cup of coffee before my run? Usually I have nothing but a few sips of water. But today for some reason I chugged 3 cups of water and had a coffee. What was I thinking?? I think that's just it: I WASN'T thinking. So does that mean...? Could it be? Is this just... Indigestion??

Thank Jebus, Mary Kate, and Ashley Olsen I am not pregnant. But that doesn't bring my run back!

I walked the rest of the way and was feeling much better by the end. So I got in a 30 minute walk instead. Not a complete loss. But definitely a lesson learned!

PS. I know I will look back at this and laugh. "is it a Heart attack?? Is it Pregnancy?? Nope, just indigestion". Sigh! But right now all I want is a do-over!

Sidenote: sometimes celibacy seems like a really good alternative to having a minor freak out every other month!

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

Being Broken

There's good news and there's bad news. I'm of the school of belief that you 'rip off the band-aid' straight away with the bad news, then soothe the pain with the good news.

So the bad news? I'm broken. Which is my guy's way of saying it's that girly time of the month (haha... Some find it offensive, I find it hilarious and very cute) So even though I woke up early (545am - look at me go! Take that old version of me who used to sleep till noon!) it was more because of cramps & the need to roll around in pain rather than my alarm going off and telling me it's time to hit the gym. Sigh. So no gym and a world of pain. This blows.

The good news? I'm broken. Haha, as any other weight loss chicka will agree, it's a double-edged sword. This means I finally finally de-bloat and as if magically drop pounds almost instantaneously. And there is a fingers crossed moment where I hope the de-bloating will not only reveal my actual weight, but a lovely weight loss that has been hiding for the past 7-10 days.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Habits to Create: I actually missed having my AM workout today! What a pleasant surprise!

Habits to Hate: That I might have used being broken as an little bit of an excuse not to workout. C'mon... I could have at least gone for a walk. Probably would have even helped with the cramps!


That's it for now. Someone please pass the Advil...

Every Day is a Fresh Start!

Quitting smoking + PMS = BINGE HELL!!!!

I have had a lazy day or so. Quitting smoking has sucked the energy right out of me. All I have felt capable of doing is sleeping and eating and staring at the wall. I managed to pull it together a little more yesterday as I finally got to see my guy again (with both of us so crazy busy and opposite schedules in 'distant' locations (ie. different boroughs haha) it's like being in a long distance relationship in a way. Neither of us seem to mind though, in fact it actually works really well, but that's for another post) which put me in a much better mood in general. But the best part is it also kicked my butt back into gear! Can't get slack now! Gotta keep at it!

So! New day = New Start! Woke up a little later than I would have liked but still got 20 minutes of running in. Instead of the gym, I went to the park today which is actually nice at 7am on a Saturday. No screaming kids or dogs galore, just a whole bunch of runners and walkers and the occasional fattie also trying to shed some weight(*raises hand* ooh! ooh! right here! that'd be me!) I love that little knowing nod or smile you give each other; you both know why you're out there.



Haven't had breakfast yet but going to fix that right now... yogurt and fresh fruit... YUM!

Yep, today is off to a good start. Don't you just love how every day really can be a fresh new beginning!?! (OK, coffee + boy time + exercise = waaay too chipper! I'm even getting annoyed by me! haha)

NOTE TO SELF: I'm still learning to stay on track, but the good news is I'm dusting myself off and getting back on the weight loss wagon much sooner every time... and spending less time laying in the dirt whining that I fell off again.