Enabler Schmabler

Maybe it's because most of my friends are male...

Maybe it's because of the female friends I do have, they are all slim to average size...

Maybe it's because I'm a size 18 as opposed to my former size 24/26, so it's "easier" to find women who are a similar size to me...

Who knows? Either way, i am suddenly noticing there are more women who are a similar size to me in my day-to-day life these days. You would think I would enjoy finally being able to relate to people my size. I would have thought so too but I'm finding i'm having a very different problem.

Like most people, they take one look at me, and assume things. But this particular group is assuming a whole bunch of new assumptions that I don't particularly care for to say the least. Partly because i am probably the total opposite of what they are thinking, and second of all but most predominantly & my biggest gripe, they want me to be their ENABLER.

I hate enablers. I am guilty of it, and guilty of wanting them on occasion, but in general, it is a BAD THING.

There are quite a few "bigger girls" at massage school that I've met, and some I've got to know quite well. And they don't seem to care or seem interested in changing the fact that they are bigger. Unlike me, everything at that school makes me want to be smaller. That's their choice and I respect that. So why won't they respect my choice to not be complacent or comfortable with this size?

In our practical massage classes, I don't look at learning a new technique as 'wow, that's painful, I'm doing a minimal amount of that' instead i see it like a challenge. I'm going to need stronger abs? I'll add it to the To-Do list. I'm going to need more stamina and endurance? I'll add it to the To-Do list. None of this 'how can I avoid and/or minimize doing that technique' crap.

Or another perfect example, when we take a break or go on lunch: 'hey, let's get a burger!' No. no, I don't feel like stuffing my face with you just because we were just sweating up a storm and because I'm the same size as you, you assume things about my diet.

Why can't they embrace these healthy changes we are making for our chosen profession? Or at least the fact that Massage Therapists are all about promoting a healthy, balanced lifestyle? Don't they feel the need to practice what they preach? Sigh. But that's an uphill battle. Worse, it's like banging my head against the wall. And above all, they are entitled to their choices.

I of all people know that they will only change when THEY are ready to change.

But in the meantime, I really wish they would leave me out of their 'I hate exercise' and 'let's go eat fatty food' vicious downward spiral.

yep, that's right. I work out. I like to eat right. I will openly admit that I AM NOT HAPPY at this size. I won't shrug it off and look for an alternate solution. If my belly is in my way & is preventing me from doing something (c'mon think about it... how many physical things do you have to 'altar' because of belly fat preventing you from doing it the way healthy-sized people do it?) that's just another motivation for me to ensure the belly flab disappears forever. I will admit when something is just another reason to lose weight, or when something will be much easier when i lose weight. I think the big girls get scared by this. I guess cause I'm leaving them behind. And even though it seems they are in good company, I guess they don't like losing members of The Big Girl Club.

But perhaps formally returning my membership is the only way I will convince them to do the same. Well here it is! I'm officially turning in my 'fat girl for life' badge and RSVP NO to all future Big Girl Club type behavior!

F.E.A.R.

Sometimes learning Shiatsu massage annoys the crap out of me. It can be completely backwards compared to typical Western Medicine & learning both in tandem can be confusing. But then there are days like today where I love Shiatsu. Because after all, it is about the Mind, the Body, and the Soul all being both independent & interdependent.

Without going into the whole "Introduction to Eastern 101" we were talking about elements & one of the components of one of the elements is fear. And it's when my teacher said 'it's not procrastination, that's different. We're talking a real fear of even getting something started' that I really sat up & started paying attention.

Imagine being so afraid of something that you don't even want to get started? That sounds so tragic to me. Something that I would expect to be written by Shakespeare & have it be one of the great all-time tales of tragedy! But I suspect it happens far more often than we care to admit. We're even terrified to admit that we are afraid sometimes! Afraid that we will fail, afraid that it will absolutely change our world, afraid that maybe our world won't change at all.

And then sometimes it's not YOU has has the fear. Maybe you're ready & enthusiastic. But what if other people project their fears onto you? 'You can't do that, you'll never get there'... 'even if you can do it, what happens if you gain it all back?'... 'wow, that's a lot of weight you're planning to lose! that's going to be so hard, glad I'm not you!'

OK, first off, if your friends are saying statements exactly like those above, I recommend you get new friends ASAP. Those are the only extreme examples I could think of, but I'm sure you get my point. People doubt, or put their own fears and insecurities into you. And before you know it, that hopeful, eager part of you that was ready to overcome any obstacle is suddenly consumed with thinking thoughts that only encourage doubt and/or fear.

So! My point is I learned something today. Fear is F.E.A.R. That stands for:

Forced

Experiences

Appearing

Real

Regardless of whether someone forces a hypothetical experience on us or whether we force it upon ourselves at the end of the day they only appear to be real. But they're not.

I would like to think that I'm not scared to losing weight. But maybe I am. Maybe I'm so terrified I can't even see that maybe it's fear that holds me back. It seems so strange though. Because I want to be fit and happy with my body more than anything. There is never a day that goes by that I wish I didn't have this belly, or the side-of-boob/underarm fat roll, or that my butt didn't jiggle uncontrollably. But maybe I've had these things for so long I'm terrified of what will change. What if my world is turned upside-down. Or perhaps worse, what is nothing change? Nothing at all?

These are all very scary thoughts. I just need to remember that Forced Experiences Appearing Real are NOT real. They are not going to come true. Not even close! I promise myself to keep an eye on this, if I am indeed afraid of something. Because that's no way to live. And it's definitely not a way to succeed. In fact, it's a way to ensure you fail. But I'm not going to fail. I'm going to persevere; I'm going to survive. I'm going to slip and fall and pick myself right back up & learn from those experiences and keep on going. Never stop until I reach the end. Why? Because fear doesn't live here anymore!

Day 9

Sweet Success... I discovered I'm flexible enough to do a standing split again! Flexibility has been something I have been slowly but surely plugging away at. I didn't think I was even close to achieving a standing split until I decided to randomly try to tonight. And it wasn't even a real struggle either! (which makes me wonder how long have I probably been able to do this but hadn't tried to? lol) Next Challenge: get my raised leg higher and more vertical. Also to work on getting the other leg into a standing split otherwise I'll end up all wonky and lop-sided with my strength & flexibility!

Slowly Striving... a slice a pizza tonight. It fit into my calories but not into my food groups. FAIL. I haven't learned how to make healthy choices when I'm with my new friends. And I think the only healthy option there is when all my friends want pizza is to just bring my own healthy food with me! (& just buy a water or a Diet Coke so I don't feel like I'm not a customer!)

Thoughts... I'm stronger and more capable than I think. I've noticed my new bestie, CSB, will roll his eyes at me (in a loving way of course!) and shake his head when I'm shocked I got a good score, or a little too happy that I was able to do something (like give a 60 minute masage. It's harder than you think!) He says in a tone like it's a fact the world knows when he asks me why am I surprised*. So apparently it's obvious to someone that I have only known for a little over 2 months now that I possess the mental & physical strength to achieve so much more than I think I'm capable of. So why can't I see it? It's definitely something to work on. And I wouldn't be surprised if it's a mild case of what they always talk about on The Biggest Loser: you are always raising the bar on what you think you can and cannot do. The fact is that you can do anything. ANYTHING. All you have to do is try.

*CSB always tells me whether it be about school or not that 'it's written in the stars'. As cheesy as it is, I like it. Especially regarding this journey (which I have yet to fully share with him. Not sure if/when I will) I should deserve to believe that it's written in the stars that I will succeed in this journey as well.

Non-Scale Victories are SOOO Much Sweeter!

I'm just going to come straight out with it:

Today I popped into one of these!<<-----------------------------------------

I couldn't believe it! I don't remember when I stopped being able to do a Standing Split but I do remember the last time I was able to do one with no problems. It was around the time when I was still dancing: so around 18 years old. I'm now 27. While my friends tonight were happy for me, no-one could understand why I was SOO excited about this discovery. Because it meant so many things to me, & as much as I love my new friends dearly, that's just it: they're new. They don't know everything about me (yet).

So there I was in massage class, and I always tend to get a little restless in our practical classes. I think it's the yoga pants and t-shirt uniform and being so aware of my body and everyone elses' bodies, it makes me want to dance, jump around, stretch, and just basically be active!

Well tonight we were working on Range of Motion and of course everyone has different ranges and levels of flexibility. Totally understandable and normal; it's what makes you YOU & what trains us to be good Massage Therapists: Understanding that every BODY is different. I mentioned to CSB that I wish I was still flexible enough to do a standing split. He & another friend asked what I meant. So I grabbed my right instep of my foot with my right hand and said "It's when you grab your foot like this, and you try straighten your leg but I haven't been able to do it for years.... See..." I slowly started to demonstrate and it was clear that my right leg just didn't want to straighten while my right hand was holding it. Poop!

Then I had a "What if..." moment and I very slowly bent my left leg (that I was standing on) and tried to straighten my right leg again. All 3 of us were a little surprised when amazingly my right leg straightened! The final test? Could I hold my right leg straight in the air while straightening my left leg?..... YES! YES I CAN!

WOOT! WOOT! SUCCESS!!!

My gf was surprised & happy for me, I was elated, and CSB was surprised too until he rolled his eyes & turned away (I caught him blushing a little! haha... Why is it boys hear "splits" and their mind goes to one place: the gutter?). I released, I did a little happy dance, and then I did it again to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Nope, not a fluke! Did another standing split like it was nothing! It felt like I really achieved something today: for the first time in a while, I felt like I made real progress.

First off, this means I'm getting more flexible again. Working on getting back to doing the splits effortlessly is something I have been slowly working towards. There's something so liberating and almost empowering to be a "big girl" but show that your size has nothing to do with being flexible.

Secondly, I'd like to think I've lost some inches. Depending on what kind of stretch your doing, there are certain things you just can't do no matter how flexible you are because your rolls of fat get in the way! So either I lost a few inches or got uber flexible; possibly a combination of both. Either way, it's win/win.

Lastly, it's something I haven't been able to do since I was a small size 14 and was fit enough to dance in the World Championships. It was very nostalgic for me in a way. It was a big flashback to another time in my life when I was a size and of a fitness level that I was comfortable with and could do all kinds of things that I took for granted. And today, I earned one of those things back. It felt amazing.

I had forgotten how much more rewarding a non-scale achievement is. Sure, seeing certain numbers is enough to make anyone jump and shout, but those non-scale ones can't be forgotten. For me, they are twice as special. Perhaps because they don't seem to happen as frequently. Regardless, they are not just numbers measuring my progress. They are progress you can see & feel & really connect to. Not just a mind game, which the numbers on the scale can be for me at times. I'm not saying it's altogether a a bad thing though (hey there's nothing like walking around knowing you lost x amount of pounds this week!) but there's something about running an extra mile, fitting into a smaller size, or surviving a party and staying perfectly on plan that has more heart to it.

It inspired me that I'm inching closer to a life I used to have: of fitness, strength, flexibility, and body confidence. But more so it inspires my imagination of what those things will actually be in reality and what they will mean to me this time around. No doubt it will be very different. I am sure my body has changed a lot in 10 years, and not just because I put it under the stress of carrying around so much weight. It's exciting to feel like I took a big step towards that today. I took a big step into my past and into my future simultaneously and it felt incredible!

I'm Making It Personal

One of my fabulous teachers at massage school is also a personal trainer. Unfortunately it is a conflict of interest for her to train a student (damn! because I swear she is the Latina version of Jillian Michaels and probably knows how to make me sweat, cry, and throw up all at the same time) but she said she has some people she can recommend and asked would I prefer a woman or a man?

As someone who has never had a personal trainer this made me stop and think. Which WOULD I prefer? I want a woman for the obvious reasons that she can relate to me and my wants and needs in a way a man just can't. On the other hand, I get along much better with guys than with girls on the whole (all my friends (whether gay or straight) are male, and the only female friend that I have regular contact with lives in Florida. FYI I'm in NYC. Hm, yeah...definitely more male than female friends! And I know they're not there to be my friend, but I still gotta LIKE them!) So I have some things to think about before I get some recommendations (opinions and advice welcome!). Especially cause I'm pretty sure I don't have the money to try them all before deciding (Wow, wouldn't that be amazing though!)

I don't know if this is something I can afford but I definitely want more information on it in general. If it is something I will go ahead with I imagine I only want to see them once every few weeks. I would want them to help me put together a workout schedule (that I can do on my own without them) that is challenging as well as flexible and engaging. Then check in with them once a month or so and have them see where I'm at and adjust, increase, build upon... well basically to do what it is they do!

On the other hand, she also said that if I just need some ideas for how to fit it into my schedule and what kind of exercises to do, she'd be happy to sit down with me and discuss that for free over a coffee sometime. (Wow. I love her!)

Have I mentioned how much I love massage school?

The teachers and other students I've met are great (this includes the new bestie (who is still totally cute lol) who gave me some great guy advice the other day. Bless!) But mostly I love how conscious it makes me of my body both inside and out. It makes me want to put good things in, and makes me want to strengthen it even more than I did before. It makes me appreciate that we are all built differently and come in lots of different shapes and sizes and the most important thing is to be comfortable in the skin you're in. I'm not comfortable yet but I know I will be. I just need a little help and I'm slowly getting over my fear of asking for it.

It's also a great motivator to lose weight. Having to get almost completely naked at least once a week with nothing but a towel and have classmates massage you, pushing through those layers of fa... err, flesh... to get to the muscle below? Yep. Definitely a BIG motivator to drop the weight!

See You on the Other Side

This is just a little advanced warning that I will most likely be MIA for the next 1-2 weeks. I will be at least trying to keep up with my Factors for being Fat Free Fridays but I can't make any promises*.

School is getting crazy but I'm loving every minute of it. There are the 20 class hours a week, but quizzes and assignments are multiplying, not to mention finding practice time. If massage was something you could do alone I am sure I would have no problem finding the time to practice (although if it was done solo I am sure it's called something else) but scheduling time with a classmate or friend also eats up precious time. Then there's also the physical exhaustion that comes from massage. My abs are still tingling and my quads are still feeling the affects of holding those squats on Saturday. (Bright side? My abs & quads will be ripped in no time!)

Work is also crazy. Usually it's boring, uneventful, and monotomous (just the way I like it. Otherwise I'd never find the time to study!) But I am getting a pseudo promotion (it's a higher position, but in a different department, hence the 'pseudo' part of it) which means eventually replacing one of my current shifts with one of the new position shifts. No problem. BUT... in the meantime it means doing ALL my current shifts PLUS 2 shifts of training for the new job. Yikes. This all equates to a few 14-hour days, and me having to rely on being a perfect lil angel when it comes to eating right, and trying to get as many steps in as possible because there's no way I can keep my sanity (and get enough sleep!) if I add a full-blown workout to those 14-hour days.

I'm a little scared too because me + theatre + long hours = how I got fat in the first place! I am going to allow myself the extra piece of fruit and/or yogurt if I feel like I need it, because it's a way better choice than running to the 99c pizza slice place on the corner! So if I'm going to add extra calories, I promise they will be filled with nutritious values like protein, fiber, and organic items, and not full of fat & sugar!

So between work, school, studying, practicing, eating right, getting enough sleep (a big challenge for me!!), and doing the mundane things like cleaning, laundry, and keeping my sanity, I am thinking I might not have time to blog. Just sayin'.* I am going to try tweet when I can, and who knows? Maybe I will become WonderWoman and find the time to do it all afterall! Who says we can't have our healthy yogurt parfait and eat it too?

Wish me luck!... See you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter! (and not too exhausted!)


*No offense to my lovely readers or my blog that has been a great source of motivation for me (commitment to writing = commitment to staying on track & succeeding!), but if I can't find time to spend with my guy during the next 1-2 weeks, then I REALLY can't make any promises about how much time I'll spend on here! lol. But you guys know I love you :) Stay tuned, and in the meantime, kick the fitness & healthy diets up a notch, and kick some weigh-in ass!

Who Do You Worship?

What better day to talk about 'our bodies being our temples' than on a Sunday! So please turn the page* with the passage about how we are taking control of our bodies and fighting the fat!

I had an amazing day yesterday. If I haven't already mentioned I am studying massage therapy and should have my license by January 2011. Studying massage therapy and ultimately becoming a massage therapist for me means not only a more lucrative second career (although it may end up being my first and maybe one day even my only career... we shall see) but for completely selfish reasons I wanted to bring health, body, and wellness into my daily life. And let me tell you, it's working!

Not only do I have class 4 days a week (one of those days is a full day of hands on classes, both giving and receiving massage. And yes we have to get naked to receive massage - yikes! - but more on that later) but I am studying and/or reviewing everyday. There's a lot of science study/homework of course as well as the practical stuff like techniques and body mechanics, but essentially what ALL of this stuff points to is LOOK AFTER YOUR BODY.

We only get one. So why do I insist on abusing and torturing mine? (I say 'do' not 'did' because although I would love to refer to it in the past tense, I'm not quite perfect yet when it comes to healthy habits! Well, not yet!) Sigh! But that ugly, depressing thought aside, it doesn't actually make me dwell on the 'Why?', it makes me dwell on the 'Why don't I change it right now?' Awesomeness, right? I'll say! Crack that whip and let's get to it!

First of all, all my science classes make me want to be anatomically correct (I don't see any diagrams or dummies with bellies or jiggly thighs!) and all my practical classes.... well, it's twofold! One: it would be nice not to feel self-conscious when people are palpating or massaging you (Oh you can't feel it? yeah, you just need to push harder through that area of fat to feel it). And two: it would be nice to already have a lot of the strength and endurance that is required to massage!

Now I'm not talking strong arms or hands like most people think, especially in regards to Swedish massage. I'm talking core strength and lunges. Yep, lunges! And don't even get me started on the core strength needed in Shiatsu class so far...

But I am loving every minute of it. It is inspiring me to work harder, stay more focused, keep making healthy choices every single day, and keeping me so thrilled that I have chosen a second profession that will keep me fit. Not only fit but does so whilst reminding me how important it is to be relaxed and centred, and above all in balance. Amen to that!

PS. My practice partner is a totally cute STRAIGHT boy who when he asked me to be his practice partner I happily said yes seeing as he's quickly becoming my new bestie. It wasn't till later that the logistics set in... ah crap. This isn't sitting around the living room, buried in anatomy textbooks and comparing notes with my Cute Straight Boy (CSB). This is getting naked and rubbing oil all over each other! Eeek! I don't care that I'm seeing someone or that CSB has a girlfriend - it's still 'eeek!' But it turns out he was just as nervous as I was, and once we got going, it was so much fun! Both receiving the massage (he's really good!) and giving massage (he dozed off a little and the first thing he said to me afterwards was 'more... I want more!' so both of those things are a really good sign that I think I might just be good at what I do). But even though I had an amazing time both in and out of class yesterday, that doesn't mean I wasn't self-conscious. Having CSB massage me at least once a week is definitely another reason and incentive to drop the weight, and fast!

*I'm not sure what the page number is... try searching in the Book of Revelations ;)