FFFF#19: Because we've all been there

Happy New Year!!!

I will go into my New Year's resolutions in detail more when I get back from Hawaii (yep, still on vacation!) but one resolution is for sure: At some point this year (hopefully by August of course, but I will settle for any point during 2010!) I will make my goal weight/size!

And there will be no more of the above illustration happening in 2010 or beyond. Period.

FFFF#18: Mrs Claus is a Wise Woman

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Be happy, be safe, and whatever choices you make (regardless of what they are), be PROUD of them!

FFFF#17: Don't Believe Everything You Read

Although as obvious as this is, I must remember that this is FALSE when I am lazing around on the beach next week...

4 more sleeps to go until Hawaii vacation!

FFFF#16: By Popular Demand

Well! You guys certainly are a pushy bunch! hahaha!

In truth, I put these pictures together when I first started this blog. But I hadn't decided whether or not to post them. My last post was specifically about how people, namely me, really do have that sparkle in their eye and truly look happier as their face gets thinner. But I wasn't about to plaster my face all over my anonymous blog. but I can understand that you guys want to see my progress & truthfully, I want to share it with you.

It's a mixture of pride and shame really. Gulp, but here it is!

*** images removed ***

Obviously, I'm not at 80lbs down anymore, I'm at 64lbs down (I created this just before I started this blog). But I'm the same size, those jeans still fit fine, so it stills paints you an accurate picture.

Factors for being Fat-Free: Because I want my 'After' photo already!

*** Edit To Add 01/04/10: I removed the photos. Sorry if you missed it. Better luck next time (you snooze, you lose!)

FFFF#15: The 3 P's

Something that has been prevalent for me this week is being proud of my choices. So naturally I started throwing around ideas of that nature for my Factors for being Fat-Free Friday this week. Here's what I came up with: The three P's...

Pride.
Power.
Personal Best.

Pride.
As you already know my mantra for this week (and probably beyond) is to be proud of my choices. To make whichever choices I want, but I must be proud of them. I will admit I am a prideful person and this really affected me seeing it from this perspective. It's about taking pride in all that you do. That 'any task worth doing is worth doing well'. Factor for being Fat-Free: So I can be proud of my body as well as my achievement in attaining it.

Power.
Knowledge is power. So is control. Knowledge & control are amazing things. They give you the power to affect the outcome. A reality of your own making. Pick the happy ever after you want. Now that definitely sounds worth it. Factor for being Fat-Free: To prove to myself that my future is within my own power to shape & change as I see fit.

Personal Best.
This is a big one for me. I firmly & almost fiercely believe in personal best. As a highly competitive person I find it challenging and rewarding to compete with myself. I've also found that competing with myself & not others upsets the least amount of people, including myself! Perfection doesn't exist; but there is no harm in striving for it anyway. To be the best you can be. No exceptions. Factor for being Fat-Free: because in order to truly be at my personal best, I have to be at my personal best physically as well. And when I achieve that, that will definitely be something to be proud of.

FFFF#14: Simply Irresistable

So as I mentioned two weeks ago the guy I'm seeing seems to have really meant it when he said he just needed a break. But my gut told me to treat a break as a break up & I'm glad I did. It made me reassess and reboot my life & direction, and made it a pleasant surprise when he started contacting me again, especially so soon.

These days I am acutely aware of anything that inspires me, motivates me, or sparks any thought or interest. So when on Wednesday night as he and I were texting back and forth, one text jumped out at me & I decided I need to use it!

He texted that I'm too tempting, basically implying he'd rather spend time with me than doing other work or social obligations this weekend. So my ego being stroked aside, it occurred to me that if I really want to make this guy swoon (& who doesn't want to exert all their womanly powers to make a man fall to their knees? Muahaha!) I need to lose weight. Now, don't get me wrong, this guy likes me the way I am, but who doesn't look better when they lose weight, and not to mention the obvious fact that that is exactly what I am trying to do anyway. So I'm thinking if I'm already too tempting then sexy, svelte, skinny Me will be ten times as tempting as Current Me, and he won't be able to resist!

Factor for being Fat Free: I want to be too tempting in every possible way. Simply put, to be simply irresistible! Even *I* won't be able to resist loving me and making sure I always get nothing less than what I deserve.

And because I love to laugh and enjoy being as cheesy as hell, on top of the fact that I'm a product of the 80's, here's a little 80's classic music video:

FFFF#13: Done!

I was watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu when one of the contestants said 'the next time you see me America I will be done with losing weight'(excuse me if I just butchered the quote; it's not verbatim).This one hit me like a slap in the face: A great factor for being fat free is to be DONE. I want to be done with losing weight.

Honestly, I'm tired. I'm sick of this. Why can't I just be at goal already? I just can't help but whine "Are we there yet???"

I want to be done. Forever. Finished.

Thankfully I have my JC appointment tonight... I am hoping she can help get me help myself back on track, mind, body, & spirit. I feel off... I want time I don't have. I want money to get things that make this easier which I also don't have. So I have to get creative. I'm tired of being creative, I want to be done with this already!

I can only remember rare instances in my life where weight loss wasn't an issue. Or rather, my weight wasn't an issue. And those were GREAT rare moments. Just imagining a time in the future where weight is no longer an issue on my mind is just boggling for me. It sounds so impossible and yet it can be done.

In fact, imagine how much more you can achieve when weight & weight loss isn't taking up that chunk of your (daily) thinking?? WOW. Just think of the possibilities. A whole new world of thoughts and goals and wants open up. Ones I've never/rarely comprehended much less wanted for myself....

Yep. That's it. I want to be done. I want to be fat free so I can think about other things and not have weight loss be constantly on my mind.

(Apparently fed up and frustrated are great motivators too!)

FFFF#12: Do You See What I See?

I almost missed Factors for being Fat Free Friday! This week has been crazy. Slipping but not quite. Succeeding but not really. Lots of ups & downs, lack of sleep, work, school, study, repeat. Not to mention the guy I was seeing for a year and a half has come back into the picture (wow, did he really mean it when he said he needed a break? Was I too cynical in assuming it was a break up?). I still don't know where he belongs, but I will say I am thinking things through carefully and I'm just glad to have him back in my life because I missed him. As a person in my life I mean. So we're talking. (I never quite understood what people meant by 'we're talking, we're feeling things out' until now. NOW I know!)

Anyway! This isn't about my crazy life, this is about why I want this more than anything. I want to like what I see the in the mirror. I want to be hungry for this again (no pun intended). I want to be ruthless, religious, and uncompromising about every decision I make. I used to be like that when I first started this journey back in 2007. Now I don't even see when I'm slacking off. Anyone who tells you this journey wasn't hard was lying. Throw in a crazy schedule and goings-ons and it's twice as hard.

But I can do it. I must. I want to like what I see looking back at me in the mirror. Every single inch of her I want to like. The assets & the flaws, I accept them all because overall I want to like what I see.

I don't yet. But I'm getting there.

FFFF#11: Angels

The last time I was in Victoria's Secret, I finally succumbed to their incessant badgering & signed up for an Angels Card. So now I am a fully fledged Angel (whatever that means). As I'm poking around the website wondering if there's anything that's going to make me want to take advantage of the free shipping coupon I have I realize that although I fit into SOME things at Victoria's Secret, I am still a far cry from fitting into EVERYTHING that they sell. There are certain items that they only make up to a size 16, and as a size 18 it is frustratingly sooo close & yet so far.

Factor for being Fat Free: Even just one more size and suddenly a whole lot more options when it comes to clothing & fashion open up. It's definitely worth the hard work & sacrifice knowing that!

FFFF#10: Have My Cake & Eat It Too

An oldie but a goodie :)

I don't even know if marriage is something I want, but regardless....

Factor for being Fat Free: For all major future events I want to be the me I am trying to be. The REAL Me. I want to take photos and not worry about bellies, angles, or double chins. I want to be able to pick a Halloween costume based on what I want to be, not on what will fit and/or flatter my fuller figure. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and not have to tread on eggshells for fear of the ground collapsing beneath me! (or the chair, or what have you...) I want to be the light, pretty sprinkles on top of my cake, not the fat ass who fell right into it! (Oh, and I want to have my cake and eat it too one day, slim and guilt-free!*)





*Although by then I will have learned the true value of 'indulge in moderation', not to mention will probably enjoy the extra workout just to make sure that cake remains a pleasure on the lips and doesn't get the chance to take up residency anywhere else!

FFFF#9: A Vacation Victory?

Another Factors for being Fat Free Friday, and this week, also a mini-goal!

So it seems Hawaii for Thanksgiving isn't happening, it's happening for Christmas & New Year instead! Awesomeness! Talk about motivation!

105lbs is so daunting. But setting 20lbs by mid-December seems much more doable!

Factor for being Fat Free for this week? To feel good about my body's progress and my achievements while on vacation which will mean enjoying Hawaii twice as much!

Dear Santa,

I would like to lose 20lbs in the next 2 months. Please bring me a swimsuit in a smaller size.

Lotsa Love,
105 xo

FFFF#8: The F Word

I have three F words that I'd like to share. The first is...

FAILURE.

It might sound cliche but failure is not an option. It just isn't. Now that I am actually trying I will never quit, I will never give up, all because that is how much I fear failure. Mistakes? fine. Slips? OK. But failure? Never. And my weight is the closest I have ever really come to really failing at something. And failing yourself is the worst kind of failure. I want to be Fat Free so I can say that I haven't failed anything yet (and hopefully I never will).
(And I know essentially that it was my fear of failure that prevented me from trying in the first place, but that is for another post.)

The second is...

FINISH.

I want to finish this. I have to. I may end up at a slightly different finish line than I imagined but know that it will be some sort of finish none the less. It doesn't matter WHEN, all that matters is that it happens. I want to be Fat Free so that I can finish this overweight portion of my life once and for all.

The third is...

FREEDOM.

Cause being Fat Free is freedom, right? It's so obvious that it's very easy for me to overlook. I am recently rediscovering this word and am falling in love with it all over again. I want freedom from plus size clothing, my fat rolls, and my Fat Girl Mentality that I am not good enough or pretty enough. When all is said and done, I want to inwardly scream 'Freedom' like a victory cry much like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (I will only do this in my head and not out loud; that may be a little too weird and a little too drama diva, even for me!) I want to be Fat FREE. Period.

FFFF#7: No More Double Stuffed Oreos!

I'm keeping it simple this week. Sometimes less is more.

This picture says to all really.

Factor for being Fat Free: I want to be regular sized, not double stuffed size.

And you know what? I'll still be just as sweet!

FFFF #6: It's the Little Things

In my busy week, I made little mental notes of little things I'd like to be different. And all of these things are possible if I stay strong, stay focused, and keep losing!

In no particular order...

1.) Being able to comfortably hook my my whole thumb into my back pocket of my jeans while hooking my whole forefinger into the front pocket at the same time. This can only be done when you're smaller and the pockets are closer together.

2.) Wrapping myself and being completely covered in a bath TOWEL, not a bath SHEET (and honestly, the bath sheet may fit but there's not a lot of room for error or slippage!)

3.) Uber sexual confidence in the bedroom because I am happy with my body. Any position, any lighting condition. Need I say more?

4.) When I sit at the end next to the doors on the subway, I want my elbow to want to 'tuck in' to the bar, not rest of top of it. Same goes for big chairs with big arm rests. I want my arms to naturally fit inside them, not naturally want to rest on them, or naturally rest my forearms on them (does this one make sense?) This would also save my elbow and shoulder a lot of grief on aeroplane rides when I'm stuck in the aisle seat.

5.) I don't want to be mistaken for other overweight people anymore. This is not new to me, but it's been a while since it's happened. I work in a building (an industry really) that is male dominated. In my building there are really only a handful of females, two of which are overweight (I am one of them). But this does not excuse you for mistaking her for me when you see me from behind. Or worse, because you only met her briefly (or haven't met her yet and someone just described her to you) and the only thing you remember about her is that she's overweight. So you say her name to me with a question mark. Lovely. I want my first describing feature to be my height, my hair, my skin tone, ANYTHING, but not 'you'll know her when you see her, she's the fat one'.

And something I read the other day...

“Smaller snacks means smaller slacks.”

- Unknown*

Amen to that!

*Unless you know who did say it, then please fill me in! I couldn't find the origin of it.

FFF#4: Keep Dreaming

Dream.


Believe.


Create.


Succeed.





I love each and every one of these words, especially when you put them together in this order. This is one of the first quotes I fell in love with and it continues to inspire me.

This is one of my Future-Me pics. What better way to list my Factors for being Fat Free Friday than to tell you exactly what it is about this picture that makes it so great.

- A flat belly. Need I say more? No, but I will anyway. I love the ab definition. I am not a fan of muscle-bound ladies - more power to them! - but that look is just not for me. However, my idea of hot 'n' steamy is definitely more fitness inspired than most others. I want tone and definition while still maintaining curves and femininity (think Beyonce not Madonna). So! Not only a washboard stomach from midriff to gut (what gut? haha) but I would love to have a nice little 4-pack to go along with it. As I may have mentioned previously, I used to have a 4-pack from dancing. Not from sit ups, or yoga, or pilates, just from when I used to dance competeively (it's all about the core strength!). Maybe back then if I had actually got on the floor and done some crunches I might have ended up with the whole 6 instead of just 4.

- Thighs that don't touch. What a novel concept. Is this even normal? Even at my fittest, my thighs still touched; even if it was just a little bit right at the top. I cannot imagine how amazing it must feel to have thighs that don't touch. Wow, I am in awe just thinking about it. Say it with me: 'Thighs that don't touch'... Mmm. What a lovely thought.

- Firm arms. Again, not Madonna arms, but just arms that are tight and don't jiggle would be enough to make me do the happy dance. Not to mention wave my arms like I just don't care! Cause you know what? For once I wouldn't care! I would be completely carefree in a sleeveless top and totally liberated of being self-conscious about my arms. Cause they will be firm and fabulous; just like my abs.

- Wearing a cute matching sports bra & shorts. OK, I have no idea where I would wear this, let alone work out in it, but just knowing I could wear this somewhere else than in my apartment when I am home alone would be enough for me. The idea of any outfit where I have absolutely nowhere to 'hide' is such a bewildering and awe-inspiring thought to me; I just can't shake it. So I might as well use it to my advantage!

I'll pass on the belly button piercing though. It's just not my style :)

FFFF#3: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing But The Truth

One of the ultimate reasons I want to be fat free is because I no longer want fat to be an excuse.

I didn't think I ever used fat as an excuse. When I realized I sometimes do, I realized that it was happening in many more cases than I care to admit.

And I'm not talking about the run-of-the-mill 'I chose not to go to a party because I feel fat', even though that is a very valid form of using fat as an excuse. I'm talking about the sneaky ways being unhealthy and being unhappy about it can really sneak up on you and bite you in the butt. HARD. And not let go either. through DOUBT.

Doubt to me can be worse than an excuse. At least with an excuse you have made up your mind. "I am fat and that is why xyz can't happen". But with doubt you'll never know. And for me, it always boils down to if an event happened because I am fat then that could have been prevented from happening because fat is something you can prevent. (Make sense?)

Things like knowing I gave a great job interview but didn't get the job. Knowing that perhaps things won't work out with a guy because maybe we're not completely compatible. Not getting the same customer service as other people (whether this work for you or against you). All of these are great examples of me asking myself 'is it because I'm fat?'

No sooner than I ask the question that the seed of doubt is planted. And it really sucks. Cause you'll never really know for sure.

I am looking forward to the day that I can tell myself with complete confidence that I didn't get the job solely because there was a better candidate. Or I stopped seeing someone because we just aren't compatible. Or I got crappy customer service because this Sales Associate sucks. Yep, that will be a great day indeed!

PS. Although, it could also go the other way. I could be fat free and it helps me get the job, get the guy, and get the great customer service. And any or all of those things wouldn't be bad either.

FFFF #2: Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I shouldn't "should" myself to death, but here's my list for Factors to be Fat Free Friday anyway!

Under the microscope...

1.) Collarbones. I should be able to see them clearly
2.) Chin. There should only be 1, regardless of angle
3.) When I wave at someone and then stop, my upper arm should not still be waving at them on its on accord
4.) My belly shouldn't need its own sports bra when I run
5.) Dimples belong on my FACE cheeks, not my butt cheeks
6.) Because buying clothes for your width when you are drowning in the height gets really old, really fast
7.) I believe that extra extra wide calf boots should be able to fit me
8.) I hate bony backs but my shoulder blades should be at least slightly prominent
9.) I shouldn't have a fat roll under each armpit like a 3rd & 4th boob respectively
10.) I should be tight and toned, not flabby and jiggly!

Off for a wog. If I run hard enough and my belly bounces enough, maybe it will bounce right off me!

FFFF #1

Welcome to the first edition of Factors for being Fat Free Friday!
("Reasons to be Fat Free Friday" or "RFFF" isn't quite the same as "FFFF" so groan at the title is you must, but then get over it and work with me here people!)

There are some vital habits you should create in order to make your goals are reality. Constantly reminding yourself of your goals is one of them. There are various lists you can do make to do this:

-- All the reasons you want to lose weight
-- All the things you look forward to when you are at your goal weight/size
-- All the things you look forward to leaving behind
-- Goals you have created for yourself, both big and small
-- the rewards you plan to indulge yourself in as you hit certain milestones

... to name a few. Some people prefer pictures and images and scrapbooking than words too (works for me except it's more effort. And this works just as well and I'm more likely to stick with it, so... "K.I.S.S." (Keep It Simple Stupid))

SO! I think every Friday I should list a few factors that keep me motivated, and remind me why I am doing this.

The beauty of this is also how endless this list can be. And how it is completely natural for your goals and ideas to shift over time. It will be interesting to see how these change.

This week's list...
THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO NO LONGER DOING:
1.) Not having to scan clothing racks for size and THEN choosing style.
2.) When looking at a booth, a airplane or theatre seat, trying to get on/off the subway during rush hour, crowd-weaving, etc. not looking at a space and wondering "will I fit in/through that space?"
3.) Constantly primping my clothes to ensure belly/butt/boobs, etc. are covered and look as flattering as they can at their size.
4.) Stemming off #3, I look forward to sitting down and not having to primp and pull my clothes out from being caught in between my rolls of fat.
5.) Having no choice but to wear pants/shorts on days that are warm or days when I know I will be doing a lot of walking because my thighs rub together.
6.) Being nervous about reaching for anything high up above my head because my flubber of a belly might be exposed during said reach.
7.) Getting my hair done at the salon and not spending any time studying how round my face is or how many chins at different angles I have
8.) Not having to subtly check the weight limit of items before getting on them (ladders, scooters, hammocks, etc.)
9.) Ordering or eating a dessert with no fear of judgment from anyone
10.) Having no fear of 'one size fits all' or 'one size fits most' or aprons or belts or those paper gowns at the doctor's office.

And my #1 motivating factor to be fat free this week is :
I WANT TO WEAR A BIKINI AND LOOK FIT AND TONED, AND THEREFORE HOT AND STEAMY!