Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

OK. Confession Time.

I don't understand why this has been so hard for me to admit because this blog is anonymous after all. I think I fear the failure as well as the judgment and pity party. But here goes....

You may remember I started this blog when my favourite JC consultant left JC for bigger and better things. At the time I also decided it would be the perfect time to take a little break from the food and gorge myself on summer fresh fruits, vegetables, and salads. I promised myself 4 weeks of eating what I wanted (without going overboard) and seeing if I could do it.

True to my word I returned to JC in September. And the biggest reason I did? I was clueless without it! Now, I know a lot of you will say that I have to learn eventually so you might as well learn now. But I disagree. That does not work for me. It's too much to handle and I know me well enough to know that I need to take baby steps or else I might thrown in the towel. So I need tackle one thing at a time: First I want to get the weight off, then I will work on how to eat to maintain (instead of learning how to eat to lose). In my mind, a slip when I'm already at my desired size is very different to a slip while I'm still trying to get there.

But there's another reason. You may notice my tickers have not been moving. That's because I'm scared to update them. In those 4 weeks away I GAINED 10LBS.

OMG I can barely believe I just admitted that. But it's true. I gained 9.8lbs to be exact. And I NEED to confess in order to progress :)

Because despite being sick and my crazy schedule now that I am back to JC, I am slowly but surely losing again. And I can't track it on here because I'm not being honest about my current weight. So like last Thursday when I was so happy that I lost 1.4lbs? I felt like I couldn't share it because losing 1.4lbs was still 7.4 UP from my original weight for this blog.

But enough of that! It's in the past! Breathe & reboot!

SO! OCTOBER GOAL: Back to 260 (or beyond).

It pains me to say that. But it must be done. It also pains me because it makes my ultimate goal a little harder to reach in the time frame I originally wanted; but like I said previously I still intend on making it eventually, even if it takes ANOTHER 365 days.

And it's more important that I am completely honest. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. After all, too much denial has taken place already. Because I know when I weighed 336lbs I told myself I didn't care and it didn't matter. How I believed that, I'll never know. But one thing's for sure: denial doesn't live here anymore and honesty must, must, MUST exist at all times.

I feel like I should say 5 Hail Marys and then go for a run. But seeing as I'm not overtly religious, I think I'll just go for the run instead.

Kicking Some Interval Butt!

Hey! c25k! Yeah, week 2! I'm talking to you!

I just want to say..... HA! Take that week 2 of c25k! I thought at times during that 30 minutes you were going to get the better of me, but I am stronger than you and I persevered and you were over before I knew it and guess what? I was still standing on the other side! So take that! Neener-neener-neener!

Look at me go! woot! woot! [insert happy dance here]

(although, I must admit you challenged me enough to make me think I might need/want to do 2 weeks of week 2 before moving onto week 3. But that's OK. It will just give me more time to build my strength so I can beat your sorry excuse for a cousin, week 3, into the ground as well!)

With sweaty determination,
Faithfully,
105 xx

I want to thank my fellow nominees...

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly believe this! I feel so lucky! And this award - it's so shiny and svelte! Oh, thank you again! It's just so unexpected! I didn't even have a speech prepared! I just want everyone to know that even in my wildest dreams of blogging, I never would have imagined that this could ever happen to me. And to the other super-amazing nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your jealousy makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a minute and think about how great my experiences have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special.

You know, there are so many inspiring poeple and losers to thank! First off though, I want to thank the Marie over at mtclosetowin.blogspot.com, who looked deep within her heart before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem, for being such powerful forces in my journey thus far. And to Mum and Dad, who inspire me and taught me to never give up on your dreams. And finally, to all my readers and twitter friends - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

(*Speech provided by Academy Award Acceptance Speech Generator and has been modified for this blog.)

Hahaha! But in all seriousness, thank you Marie for bestowing upon me this lovely award! Her blog has fast become one of my favourites in the short time I have been blogging. Go on, check it out if you haven't already... I know you're curious! Click here.... I'll wait for you to come back...

Amazing, right?

So now I need to list 15 brilliant blogs, and you should absolutely check these out too!


losewithlisa.blogspot.com
losinmythighs.blogspot.com
bookwormonamission.blogspot.com
chubbystubbykay.blogspot.com
notasfatrunner.blogspot.com
getpastthemoment.blogspot.com
amberisdroppingit.blogspot.com
hidethosecookies.blogspot.com
livinlarge09.blogspot.com
bevp63.blogspot.com
skinnydreaming.blogspot.com
katschisfitcetera.blogspot.com
282point5.blogspot.com
crankyfitness.com

and last but not least, some cakey goodness! cakewrecks.blogspot.com... oh, and don't worry, it's not a complete drool fest. In fact, some are such wrecks you'll think you're done with cakes forev.... well, for a while.

A Pound For Your Thoughts?

Dear Readers, Lurkers, Accidental Visitors, and the like,

While of course I have started this blog primarily for myself and a place to put my meager meanderings, I know that you are out there somewhere in the cyber universe. And the fact that you are reading this right now kind of makes my head spin. That you would take the time out of your day to see what this chubby little chickie is up to makes my day.

I'm sure in the short time I have had this blog, you are getting a little insight into me and where I'm coming from and where I'm trying to get to. But I'd love to hear from you. I know that by blogging it is my choice to throw myself out there, and you, the reader, also have that same choice. To reveal or not to reveal: that is the question. But if you feel the need to say something, have advice, a funny anecdote, whatever! anything at all... please feel free to share! I would love to hear from you!

Of course, as the saying goes 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'.

xox 105

PS. And my sincere apologies for not posting this morning's blog yet. It is patiently sitting in my iPod Touch for me to make a few corrections before I post it. Today has been much busier than I thought. It may have to wait for the train ride home (oh joy... if there's one thing worse than morning rush hour, it's afternoon rush hour. Sure, everyone's had their coffee but by then the buzz has definitely worn off)

Keeping the Faith

Dear Weight Loss Gods,

You have taught me a lot in the past two years. That I must stay strong and determined; I must find a constant source of motivation to keep me committed to seeing this through; that positive thinking more often than not leads to positive results. I am grateful to know these things and employ them whenever I feel down, lost, or falling off track. But perhaps the hardest lesson I have yet to learn is to keep my faith in you.

You see, sometimes, I really do get everything right. I eat the right portions every 2-4 hours. I get in at least 30 minutes of exercise daily. I drink 8 glasses of water a day, sometimes more. Yet my clothes do not feel different, and the scale does not change. Sometimes the scale even goes up! (Is that you testing my faith, or just wanting to see my reaction? Because it might seem amusing to watch me tear my hair out and pace around my apartment like a loony wondering what I did wrong, but I can tell you right now. It's no fun! Trust me, you will get more entertainment out of me if the scale goes down and you watch me scream and shout with glee and do a little happy dance)

And I try to stay positive. And have faith that eating right, exercising, and drinking lots of water is enough. It has to be enough. But time and time again this year you test my faith that this is all it takes. But I am confused because this is all I can do.

Perhaps you think my body needs a little rest. Maybe I overdid it and my muscles need to repair. It could be that you are working with Mother Nature and making me retain water and bloat this week. I am not sure of the answer. I just have to keep faith that you know what you're doing and will reward me soon with a smaller number on the scale and on the tags on my clothes.

Being the control freak that I am, I try to take matters into my own hands. I try to change it up. I try to mess around with it in the hopes that something will move. But it doesn't. (And in another of your cruel jokes, sometimes you even make the numbers go up! Is that your way of telling me I'm wrong? Because a simple slap on the hand would suffice) But truthfully, I am not sure of what I am doing. So I know deep down the best thing to do is to trust you. Calories in versus calories out is the most basic and essential rules of weight loss, so I am trying hard to keep faith in that and in you.

Because you of all people, dear Weight Loss Gods, the ones I pray to daily - sometimes even more than once a day - know that I am not done yet. I am grateful for all the progress we have made together thus far, but I KNOW that I am NOT being greedy when I say I still want more. And I deserve more. I will persevere. I will stay strong. I will find new motivation. I will think positive thoughts. I will stay committed. Why? Because I have faith.

Please don't let me down.

Amen.