No-one Said It Would Be Easy

I'm a little bit upset & teary right now but rather than just dive in I'm going to start this one from the top.

My NYC best friend (I have many best friends; sometimes classifying by region is easiest!) and we haven't really seen each other since the summer. He's had a (sort of) promotion, moved in with his partner, had to go home to KY to deal with family stuff, & probably had plenty more happening than I don't even know about. I've also been busy: school, a break (up), a get back together (sort of), work, and of course still trying to lose weight and exercise and take better care of myself. So between the two of us we've managed to only catch up once - once! - face to face since August.

It was pretty expected that I would be going to his place for Thanksgiving. But he still officially invited, and I still officially accepted. I guessed perhaps 2-3 more guests were also going.

But with the craziness of me desperately trying to get back on track and having some real emotional discoveries this week, I do not want to put myself in harm's way of temptation. There will be so much food and so much to drink and so much dessert... Why challenge myself unnecessarily?

Besides which I can be very much a loner, I very much value my alone time. As much as I am dying to see my friend, I prefer catching up with him one-on-one and not with a handful of other people listening to our every word. So I was thinking since I have an appointment Friday lunchtime, perhaps I could see him Friday night instead? Because Thursday will not only be alone time, I am hoping to make it a Nothing Day too. This is my time to do absolutely nothing and make no plans whatsoever. This includes no social plans; basically if I "have" to put on pants, then it's not a Nothing Day.

But I haven't had a Nothing Day since Vegas in August and I can feel how exhausted I am, how ready I am for Thanksgiving and a much needed break. So I decided (on Thursday I think?Perhaps it was Friday) that I wouldn't go to my friend's Thanksgiving dinner. Out of the whole Thanksgiving weekend I STILL have something happening on every single day. I need to make even just ONE of those 4 days a friggin' Nothing Day dammit! So I picked Thursday. Being I don't want to keep waiting for it. Plus cause I don't want to be faced with extra calories & alcohol. I'm strong enough to admit I'm not strong enough to face that yet.

So my friend gets back to me tonight. And he surprised me because he's actually kind of upset, and in a way, also offended (that I would consider dinner and drinks an obligation of sorts. Unfortunate, but true!). I explained that I really need the day off (to which I can hear him silently scoffing) and when that wasn't doing it I had to reach deep down for a whopper truth and admit that while I'm far from exploding like a hippo I am NOT doing well with my diet and exercise and I have to do what's best for me and not put that temptation in front of me.

And you know what? He STILL made me feel guilty. He even admitted it. Now I feel compelled to go there after dinner to at least say hi and hang out (so at least the food is gone and I can usually resist alcohol if I'm not eating), which of course is really not a good compromise at all because I can tell both of us were still upset by this conclusion.

I'm mostly upset right now because here I was making a good decision for myself and he made me feel guilty about it. How dare he! (On top of that, don't throw the 'thanksgiving is a time to spend with those you love' line cause I'm not American and he knows it!) And as for silently scoffing at the fact that I'm exhausted and I need the day off, yes I have no doubt he feels the same way. Well, GOOD FOR HIM that he still has the energy to entertain! Because you know what? I sure don't! But whatever, more power to him.

Yes, I realize I could have let him know sooner. However, I'm no cook but I think telling someone a week prior you won't make dinner is adequate enough notice. I think him being upset is more about him. He wants to see me (I don't blame him! It's been far too long and I want to see him too! But I NEED to look after me first!), and also it's his first Thanksgiving with his partner in their apartment which he just moved into; I am sure he was also just looking forward to playing House. Maybe this is TOO selfish, but I still say I cannot concern myself with that!

I cannot go to a dinner party knowing food will be in excess & the alcohol never-ending (they're both Italian too) when I am in a such a fragile state both physically (today was the first 100% food day though!) and emotionally (I deserve to stay in control of my choices dammit!). I cannot sacrifice my better judgment, my caution, and perhaps run the risk of also sacrificing my diet just to make my friend feel better. I'm not going to do that; I won't!

I think at this point we both just need to calm down (Oh, and I have no doubt after getting a little tearful earlier that my period must be on its way because there have been waaaaay too many tears in the last 5 days or so!) and accept that there is no happy conclusion here. He's only going to be happy if I go, I'm only going to be happy if I stay home. I do think the best solution is to show up later, after dinner, even if it's just to make an appearance and chat for a little while.

Well, that's if I decide I want to put my pants on that day.

See You on the Other Side

This is just a little advanced warning that I will most likely be MIA for the next 1-2 weeks. I will be at least trying to keep up with my Factors for being Fat Free Fridays but I can't make any promises*.

School is getting crazy but I'm loving every minute of it. There are the 20 class hours a week, but quizzes and assignments are multiplying, not to mention finding practice time. If massage was something you could do alone I am sure I would have no problem finding the time to practice (although if it was done solo I am sure it's called something else) but scheduling time with a classmate or friend also eats up precious time. Then there's also the physical exhaustion that comes from massage. My abs are still tingling and my quads are still feeling the affects of holding those squats on Saturday. (Bright side? My abs & quads will be ripped in no time!)

Work is also crazy. Usually it's boring, uneventful, and monotomous (just the way I like it. Otherwise I'd never find the time to study!) But I am getting a pseudo promotion (it's a higher position, but in a different department, hence the 'pseudo' part of it) which means eventually replacing one of my current shifts with one of the new position shifts. No problem. BUT... in the meantime it means doing ALL my current shifts PLUS 2 shifts of training for the new job. Yikes. This all equates to a few 14-hour days, and me having to rely on being a perfect lil angel when it comes to eating right, and trying to get as many steps in as possible because there's no way I can keep my sanity (and get enough sleep!) if I add a full-blown workout to those 14-hour days.

I'm a little scared too because me + theatre + long hours = how I got fat in the first place! I am going to allow myself the extra piece of fruit and/or yogurt if I feel like I need it, because it's a way better choice than running to the 99c pizza slice place on the corner! So if I'm going to add extra calories, I promise they will be filled with nutritious values like protein, fiber, and organic items, and not full of fat & sugar!

So between work, school, studying, practicing, eating right, getting enough sleep (a big challenge for me!!), and doing the mundane things like cleaning, laundry, and keeping my sanity, I am thinking I might not have time to blog. Just sayin'.* I am going to try tweet when I can, and who knows? Maybe I will become WonderWoman and find the time to do it all afterall! Who says we can't have our healthy yogurt parfait and eat it too?

Wish me luck!... See you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter! (and not too exhausted!)


*No offense to my lovely readers or my blog that has been a great source of motivation for me (commitment to writing = commitment to staying on track & succeeding!), but if I can't find time to spend with my guy during the next 1-2 weeks, then I REALLY can't make any promises about how much time I'll spend on here! lol. But you guys know I love you :) Stay tuned, and in the meantime, kick the fitness & healthy diets up a notch, and kick some weigh-in ass!

FFFF#5: When I was a Wee Lass...

... I was a competitive Scottish Highland Dancer. No, really! I was!

From 13 glorious years from ages 5-18 my life consisted of 2-3 dance classes a week, practicing in my living room after school, and travelling to many competitions both regionally, nationally, and on one occasion, internationally*.

I only bring this up because what I wouldn't give to do one last competition. To be that fit again. To be that toned and lean again. To have a 'natural' 4 pack again (natural as in I didn't work at it specifically. It just appeared through dancing so often! How cool is that?) To be able to fit back into my costumes (I still have them!) and say I'm back to my old self again.

I know you can't go back in time, and I also know it isn't good to dwell on what used to be. I completely understand that while I might end up back at that same size, this time round may end up being a case of 'same, same, but different.'

But that's OK. Just give me one more chance. One little comeback. Even if the only person in the world that knows and can take supreme pride and joy in the event of a comeback is me.

A huge Factor to be Fat-Free: to fit into my costumes again and dance!

*The World Championships in Cowal, Scotland in 1999 plus other various championships around Scotland for 5 weeks. Got to celebrate my 17th birthday over there too!

PS. As someone who doesn't have DVR or TiVo or a VCR, I am one week behind on my Biggest Loser episodes (but I'm grateful to see them at all! Thanks Hulu!) but I just realized after posting this, that this could totally fit into the 'Second Chances' category. The Biggest Loser always hit home, but maybe this season it might even hit home a little closer than usual.

You Can Take the Girl Out of the Blog...

Oh my! Ever since classes started I am one busy, busy girl! But don't worry, I have stayed faithfully on track. If anything, that's the reason I wasn't blogging - every spare second was taken up being as healthy as possible in the given circumstances!

Hopefully more to come on my busy little bumblebee happenings later... right now I just really wanted to post some runs! I think I'm ready for week 3 of c25k. I kind of want to do week 2 one last time; I'm not sure if that's because I want to make certain I'm ready to move on, or because perhaps I'm scared to. So far c25k is surprisingly, almost eerily!, easy!

PS. After mentioning to a friend that I just improved on my fastest mile time, he challenged me to run a mile in under 8 minutes. Now, I'm a long way off from that, not to mention it's a little unfair seeing as he's uber buff, fit, and a bit of a gym junkie and he can only do a mile in about 10 minutes. (OK he's a little lazy on the cardio, but I still see him as a gym junkie. And yes, he's a little bit yummy as well! All the deliciousness with none of those messy calories!) Plus he's 6'1 and I'm only 5'3! Hello?! I have shorter legs! But he doesn't seem to care. And honestly? Neither do I. I'm still up for the challenge!

I am not sure what I get if I meet this challenge because we are still working out the details, and to be perfectly honest I am not sure exactly why he is challenging me to do this. Part of me thinks it's the wannabe Personal Trainer and lover of all things fitness in him wanting to see me excel, part of me thinks he's just being a ass (because boys can be dumb!) and throwing it out there half as a joke and half thinking I can't do it (and if that's even remotely true, I'll show him!!!), and part of me thinks (& I'm not afraid to admit that this is my favourite reason!) I know he thinks I'm hot now so he can hardly imagine how smokin' hot I'll be if I'm fit enough (and light enough!) to run a mile in 8 minutes or under :)

It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen!

Dead without Deadlines

I think it's time to start setting more mini-goals WITH dates attached.

I think I stopped when I was failing them more often than not and it was really starting to get me down.

But it's time to slap myself and snap out of it (did anyone else just picture Cher in Moonstruck?) Deadlines will push me to succeed. And if I fail the deadline it does not mean I failed myself!!! Quite the opposite! The only way I fail is without trying at all.

So! Another mini-goal: I am currently on week 2 of c25k. That means week 9 is the last week of October. So by October 31st I should be able to run 5k! No stopping, no walking, no cheating, just running!!!

Kicking Some Interval Butt!

Hey! c25k! Yeah, week 2! I'm talking to you!

I just want to say..... HA! Take that week 2 of c25k! I thought at times during that 30 minutes you were going to get the better of me, but I am stronger than you and I persevered and you were over before I knew it and guess what? I was still standing on the other side! So take that! Neener-neener-neener!

Look at me go! woot! woot! [insert happy dance here]

(although, I must admit you challenged me enough to make me think I might need/want to do 2 weeks of week 2 before moving onto week 3. But that's OK. It will just give me more time to build my strength so I can beat your sorry excuse for a cousin, week 3, into the ground as well!)

With sweaty determination,
Faithfully,
105 xx

Run With It!

All these thoughts running through my head about running (no pun intended) Where to start?!

First off, I am in an excellent mood! Gotta love that endorphin rush post-workout! Like Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Secondly, my big news! This morning I finally actually ran every single interval to completion for week 1 of the c25k program!! YAY ME! I have been pseudo doing c25k for a while now. I told myself I do not need to complete the program in nine weeks, I can - and should - take my time; and only move up to the next level when I can confidently say that I can complete the level I'm on and still be standing at the end of it.



I say 'pseudo doing c25k' because I have been on week 1 on and off ever since I started which was back on January 1st as a New Years Resolution! (OK, so I did give myself a bit of a deadline: Even though I instructed myself to take my time, I was pretty sure it was feasible to finish by the program by Dec 31 2009!)

Besides starting then stopping then having to start all over again and again (and again), I think it took me so long to get the hang of it because I was running wrong! Which would totally make sense why i couldn't do it before even though it is a program designed for beginners! I think there were two main things I was doing wrong: 1.) going too fast, and 2.) Too much bounce.

I thought about this last night as I was really lamenting my missing workout yesterday. Why do I have so much trouble running? After a little googling and a little 'tortoise and the hare' inspiration, I came up with those two major issues. I was excited for this morning because I was eager to test them out. And sure enough, jogging and staying low to the ground equals completing all intervals successfully!

I won't lie, towards the end of some of the intervals I wanted to die. But I just kept telling myself "JUST KEEP JOGGING". Even if I can WALK faster than I'm jogging (!!!) it doesn't matter. "JUST KEEP JOGGING". I kept wanting to walk an interval, but I kept telling myself 'just one more... just one more...'. Finally, I gave in and actually had made the decision that I am walking the next 'running interval'. But then the little voiceover came on and said it was my second last interval. Oh hell no! There was no way I could walk it now! And throw the towel in? Not be able to say I officially completed it? The end was in sight! I KNEW I could do it! And voila... looks like I did!

The other source of my surge of determination to do this was because I was starting to really question the whole 'you should still be able to have a conversation while working out' thing. You know, how to know if your heart rate is in optimum 'fat burning' mode. But after my little googling session on running, I was presented with a new theory. Our bodies are designed to run.

When it comes down to it our bodies have not evolved that much since the caveman era (that topic is definitely for another post! I could go on and on!). I read somewhere that if you want to lose weight, burn fat, get lean, etc. then run, don't walk. A running body is a lean body. The body is forced to shed unwanted layers of fat. Because it's more "aerodynamic" (hmm, I think I just fell in love with a new word! Say it with me now: "aerodynamic". Lovely) I know this is a very simple concept, but phrasing it in this way has really clicked for me for some reason. 'Running makes you lean'. When really, that is so obvious: have you ever seen a fat runner?

So new new concept is JUST RUN. Screw the 'you should still be able to have a conversation' concept. Run for your life! Be out of breath! Push it hard then push it harder! Suck air in through your eyeballs if you could cause you need it so badly! As Jillian Michaels would say "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

PS. it's so nice to start the day with 'negative' calories. yay for running before breakfast!

SIDENOTE: just a little observation - I no longer need to frantically check the time during my commute. I will get there when I get there. No more 'will there be time for a cigarette before work?' wondering anymore!!!! Talk about liberating. How do smokers not realize they are walking around in their own mini-prison? Attached permanently to a ball and chain of their own making? Ahh... the joys of...

DAY 7 OF BEING SMOKEFREE!!!

5k The Sequel

Before I continue babbling on whilst still under the influence of my post-workout high, I should tell you that I love interval training on the treadmill. It is by far my favourite form of cardio. Part of the reason I love it so much is that no matter what size I was in the past - fat, thin, fit, pudgy - I have always hated running. Loathed it in fact. Wouldn't even run to catch the bus, just on principle (Yeah, I'm stubborn like that).

Fast forward to the present: suddenly, I want to run. I WANT to be a runner. Why? Because I've never wanted that before. Because I thought it was impossible. Because I had convinced myself that running is great for some but I wasn't one of them. Because accomplishing it will prove to myself that the sky is the limit. Because becoming a runner will in some small way in my quirky little world mean that I made the impossible possible.

So as someone who enjoys walking away the pounds, I figured my best bet was wogging or interval training. I got really into it too. But usually, like most things, it's a case of 'use it or lose it'. But after this morning's surprisingly successful workout, I think it's time to consider doing another 5k.

I have done 5k once before. It was on April 29 of this year, and the only reason I did it was because I was determined to have a time listed under 5k on my nike+. Having a blank 10k I can handle (for now), but a blank 5k just wasn't cutting it.

In those days I would usually bargain with myself. I would be allowed to stop once I hit 2 miles, or 40 minutes, or whatever the goal was I felt like setting that day. But that day was different. Even though I was exhausted, even though I wanted to stop, I would not let myself. I was on a mission. I didn't care if I had to walk the whole thing, or if it took 3 hours, I was going to get it done.

Turns out I managed to complete it in under an hour. And I remember feeling like I had really accomplished something. But I also know I felt like I could have pushed a little harder. Now that I knew I could do it, I needed to know if I could improve on it.

I think that time to improve has finally come! I want to see if I can beat my last time. And if I don't, well at least I can say I did another 5k!


A run from my past...

Nice People Finish Fat

I am trying to leave behind my freelance career in theatre and live events for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons being it was a big contributor to making me fat!

Any job that consumes your life is bound is make your health take a little tumble. But long hours, combined with late/"non-traditional hours, combined with your JOB is to put everyone else's needs before your own.... well, that's not a tumble. It's a freaking avalanche of a weight gain waiting to happen! But ultimately, the problem is being too NICE. Case in point:

"Oh sure, I'll do that for you (during my dinner break meaning that all I will have time for is to 'grab something' especially since by that point I will be starving and pressed for time)"

OR...

"I can work on that tonight at home (which will keep me up way too late which will inevitably lead to Forth Meal, which leads to no breakfast (or working out), which leads to... my fat ass!)"

You get the idea. I'm not saying I have to learn how to be a bitch, but OMG would it pay off to learn how to not be so NICE!

One of my closest friends and someone I have worked with before called me tonight. He desperately needs a stage manager just for 3 nights next week to fill in. I look at my schedule. Clear as day. I could totally fit it in around 'work' and 'gym' which were the only things on the agenda for those days.

But fear gripped me. This is how I got fat in the first place! Taking on too much, working late, being too tired to exercise or eat right, not to mention it is an industry that is filled with way too many landmines of bad habits for me. My instant reaction was to say no. Why tempt fate?

But then I reconsidered. I cannot spend my life running away from my fears and old habits. I know in advance therefore I have an advantage and can plan around this. Plus, he is a very good friend, and I would love to work with him again (even if it is only 3 days). So I accepted.

Luckily, he is also a good friend, so like any good eat-a-holic, I enlisted his help. I told him my concern is that working late might mean not going to the gym in the morning because I'm tired, or that working all day and heading straight to rehearsal will mean fast food, or worse, both could happen. But I told him that I cannot let that happen. I am not sure what help I wanted from him other than for him to listen, and for me to say it out loud.

It worked. I felt a surge of confidence that I can do this. It's only three little days. Take it one step at a time and above all else, especially for those three days, take care of myself.

PS. If you see less of me during those three days next week, it's because I'm prioritizing ;) As much as this blog ranks right up there, sleep and working out are more important (the way it should be!)

NOTE TO SELF: Come up with strong a fail-safe, loophole-proof, three day plan.

SIDENOTE: I should totally be in bed, but creating this blog and today starting my twitter page, has given me so much motivation. The people I've discovered and met so far, and the idea that this time next year I could be a weight that I haven't been for nine years is all so inspirational. I couldn't bear the thought of going to bed without sharing my little 'I stared Fear in the face and said "You're on. Bring it!"' moment.

Sweet dreams gorgeous guys and girls! xox