My Favourite Kind of Reboot

I am a social loner. I love being social, but I can very easily go off and do my own thing. Sometimes I am defiant about it, most times though it comes very naturally to me. I think it's the latter that worries, scares, or confuses people. But when I'm confident about something people's opinions rarely matter to me.

I felt the need to blog today because it feels like forever since I have. Then I saw that my last post was Sunday - hardly 'forever' ago. But that tells me that much has happened, and indeed it has. Mentally and emotionally.

I am recharged. Refreshed. In control (oh, that last one has to be my favourite!). I spent Thursday and Friday completely alone in my little NYC apartment and absolutely adored every minute of it. Saturday and Sunday I worked, but I didn't mind. I was still in my own little world taking a little mental stay-cation.

I always talk about breathe and reboot. It's something that has always worked for me; it's my way of re-centering myself. But the only way I truly know how to do it is to strip back all the details of my life for at least 24 hours and get back to basics. No commitments, no obligations, no errands, nothing. However my life has been so crazy that I've been having to fudge my reboots and work with what I have given, which has been disappointing as well as frustrating.

By getting rid of all distractions, I can focus on me and what I want and what is important. This goal. Period. By reassessing my determination for this goal and the reasons I still want it so very much, I start crossing every T and doting every I, and I start to feel that feeling of control over my path again. I start really enjoying and getting truly excited about this journey again. Not from a novelty or fleeting moment; but from true inspiration that I am able to shape my own future and that control is truly within my grasp.

I'm babbling a bit but my point is I am so uber on track right now it's almost silly. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and I rarely say it, but also spiritually. But I'm not taking it for granted. It's still very fragile and I need to stay focused on it to turn in into a habit. If "It takes 21 days to create a habit" then I have a way to go yet. But I'm not deterred. With every decision, and every day, the healthy decisions get easier and the bad ones lose their weight and importance.

Damn it's nice to have control again.

PS. You should see my journal: scribbles over every inch of every page since Thursday and even spilling into the spaces from earlier in the week; Love it!

FFFF#13: Done!

I was watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu when one of the contestants said 'the next time you see me America I will be done with losing weight'(excuse me if I just butchered the quote; it's not verbatim).This one hit me like a slap in the face: A great factor for being fat free is to be DONE. I want to be done with losing weight.

Honestly, I'm tired. I'm sick of this. Why can't I just be at goal already? I just can't help but whine "Are we there yet???"

I want to be done. Forever. Finished.

Thankfully I have my JC appointment tonight... I am hoping she can help get me help myself back on track, mind, body, & spirit. I feel off... I want time I don't have. I want money to get things that make this easier which I also don't have. So I have to get creative. I'm tired of being creative, I want to be done with this already!

I can only remember rare instances in my life where weight loss wasn't an issue. Or rather, my weight wasn't an issue. And those were GREAT rare moments. Just imagining a time in the future where weight is no longer an issue on my mind is just boggling for me. It sounds so impossible and yet it can be done.

In fact, imagine how much more you can achieve when weight & weight loss isn't taking up that chunk of your (daily) thinking?? WOW. Just think of the possibilities. A whole new world of thoughts and goals and wants open up. Ones I've never/rarely comprehended much less wanted for myself....

Yep. That's it. I want to be done. I want to be fat free so I can think about other things and not have weight loss be constantly on my mind.

(Apparently fed up and frustrated are great motivators too!)

Get Aggressive

I'm posting a quote I've already posted because I need to be reminded:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

After my 4 beer disaster on the weekend, it's time to get aggressive. I used to say no to all social calories because I was *that* determined to succeed and you know what? It worked. I used to religiously cross everything off my food plan for the day and eat every single thing and you know what? It worked. It's time to get back to basics, get aggressive, and start wanting this more than anything else. Is that a reasonable attitude for the rest of this journey? I doubt it. But I think it's definitely doable for the next 7 weeks.

Social events come and go, life goes on. I am NOT missing out by saying no to alcohol or saying yes to healthy options only. I will admit, I've been known to say no to the social event altogether because I don't want to or I just don't have the strength to deal with a social situation, and for the next 7 weeks, I say that's OK too.

Something my JC consultant said really stuck (OK, a lot of things stick!) which was people who get angry or aggressive or frustrated usually make the most process. I agree. Because they are ready for change. They are ready to do what it takes. Even if this means making 'sacrifices'. I need to get 100% in that mindset again. I used to get there once upon a time. It felt great, empowering even. Now I want it back. I am going to fake it till I make it, but I will make it. I have to. I want this goal to work. It's been such a long time since I've made a good, solid mini-goal and I refuse to let this golden opportunity slip through my fingers.

Frequent Flyer Loser Miles

I'm sharing from my New Bestie already! This list of mini-goal rewards is definitely a work in progress. I expect it to grow and change as I continue to shrink and change! But here's what I have so far...

note: Because I grew up in the metric system, kilograms have more meaning to me (they have more weight. haha.. sorry, I couldn't resist!) I like weighing in pounds because they are just numbers to me, they don't mean anything more than 3 digits used to measure my progress. So you'll notice as I get closer to goal the kg number has a meaning to me :)


254
lowest weight on this journey so far
Permission to sleep in and have a lazy morning. Skim latte (omg haven't had one in forever!!) and read a magazine from cover to cover.

249
closer to 200 than 300
mani/pedi time!

236
100lbs total lost
full body 90 minute massage. Mmm can't wait! It will be worth the splurge of $$$!

220
100kg and JC half-way point
Haven't quite decided for sure what this reward should be for what is quite a significant milestone. Except for the cost, I am thinking a bodybugg would be perfect!

199
under 200lbs. FOREVER!
Mama needs a brand new bag!

187
85kg & Re-evaluate
get the shoes to match the purse!
Even though I am partial to flats, I promise myself that these will be special party shoes (ie. heels) and not new Nikes.
***This is also my re-evaluate weight. Am I happy here with my size? Do I want to keep going? If so, how much more?

176
80kg. This is approximately the highest weight I was while I was still dancing.
Go out dancing till dawn! (Thinking Splash so that it just about the dancing and not about the boys (or at least, not about boys for me!))

165
75kg. WOW. This used to be my weight when I considered myself an average size.
Haven't quite decided on this reward either. So far am thinking a simple (but effective!) day of R&R and pampering: sleep in, hair done, mani/pedi massage, (window) shopping - whatever I feel like! But it must be work & study free!

155
70kg. GOAL!!!
NEW WARDROBE!
VEGAS VACATION!
BIKINI SHOPPING!
Margaritas with one of my girls
(there's a story here. She is my last JC consultant and we have become good friends. One week I had a weight gain and I mentioned I had margaritas. She understood the need to have a drink on occasion but insisted it NOT be margaritas! She said she would treat me to my next margarita & it will be at goal as a fun splurge. I'm really looking forward to it!)

FFFF#8: The F Word

I have three F words that I'd like to share. The first is...

FAILURE.

It might sound cliche but failure is not an option. It just isn't. Now that I am actually trying I will never quit, I will never give up, all because that is how much I fear failure. Mistakes? fine. Slips? OK. But failure? Never. And my weight is the closest I have ever really come to really failing at something. And failing yourself is the worst kind of failure. I want to be Fat Free so I can say that I haven't failed anything yet (and hopefully I never will).
(And I know essentially that it was my fear of failure that prevented me from trying in the first place, but that is for another post.)

The second is...

FINISH.

I want to finish this. I have to. I may end up at a slightly different finish line than I imagined but know that it will be some sort of finish none the less. It doesn't matter WHEN, all that matters is that it happens. I want to be Fat Free so that I can finish this overweight portion of my life once and for all.

The third is...

FREEDOM.

Cause being Fat Free is freedom, right? It's so obvious that it's very easy for me to overlook. I am recently rediscovering this word and am falling in love with it all over again. I want freedom from plus size clothing, my fat rolls, and my Fat Girl Mentality that I am not good enough or pretty enough. When all is said and done, I want to inwardly scream 'Freedom' like a victory cry much like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (I will only do this in my head and not out loud; that may be a little too weird and a little too drama diva, even for me!) I want to be Fat FREE. Period.

Meet My Evil Twin

As I was perusing facebook last night, I came across some newly uploaded photos of one of my facebook friends. These photos made me delightfully happy and motivated me to no end, so one of my first reactions was that I simply must blog about this! But then I realized in order to blog about it, I'm going to have to knowingly be outright rude, mean, and basically a bitch. So, without further delay, please meet my evil twin...

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Don't deny it, you all have an evil twin. But everyone likes to be nice and pleasant all the time and I'm here to tell you it's a bunch of crap cause we all judge and think evil thoughts (some more often than others). Anyway, last night I stumbled upon some new photos posted on facebook. They were of a girl that I like to refer to as one of my frenemies. As the name implies, we used to be friends back in the day, and while we didn't have a huge fight or confrontation, I just choose to no longer associate myself with her. She has gossiped, bitched, exaggerated, and lied one too many times for me to trust her anymore. Oh, and I haven't just witnessed her do this to/about other people; I've caught her doing it about me too. We are still perfectly plesant to one another, but I wouldn't trust her with any real information even if my life depended on it.

But this isn't meant to be a bitch fest. This is about how new facebook photos of her have motivated me and make me smile. Why? Cause she got fat.

See, evil thoughts right? As someone who is struggling to lose weight you would think me of ALL people would understand her plight. But nope. I really don't care how she ended up gaining weight, and I'm not saying she deserves it either (because no-one deserves to be unhealthy in any way, shape or form) but it made me happy all the same. I can't explain it any better than that. It just made me smile. It made me want to lose more weight. It made me want to be the skinny bitch, so in case I ever run into her again, I can smile some more as I watch her pick her jaw up off the floor and be jealous. Yep, that's right, I said it. And all this boils down to is...

Success is the sweetest revenge.

I love that saying. It is so true. I would never like to think I am petty enough to 'seek revenge' on someone, far from it. But I am a very goal orientated, driven person, so I might as well use that to my advantage. Plus I have witnessed first hand how succeeding in something is all it takes to feel like the universe delivered someone their just desserts, and you didn't have to lift a finger regarding that other person. You don't get your hands dirty and you accomplish something for yourself. How sweet are those just desserts?!

I'm always very careful to pick goals and motivators that are for ME, and no-one else. Unfortunately, watching a frenemy turn green with jealousy falls more into the 'doing it for someone else' category than doing it solely for me. But one little making someone else jealous, or drool, or proud, or whatever, every once in a while can't hurt. It's good for the soul, and for the ego. Not to mention as I said previously, one of my initial reactions was IT MOTIVATED ME. And anything that motivates me these days, I have the urgent need to grab with both hands and milk it for every drop of sweet motivation it's worth!

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Sidenote: Meanwhile, on the business end of things, thanks to 5 days of antibiotics, being too busy to function, and now sore thighs from way too many lunges and squats on Saturday, I have not run for a week. I feel lazy, whale-like, and I am really start to miss my morning routine. Must catch up on my running - I am still determined to finish the c25k running program by/on Halloween!

Labor & Labor Pains

Happy Labor Day everyone!

I'm feeling much, much better now that the ibuprofen has kicked in. And I have to say, I am off to a stellar start for the day! Got the laboring part in (Day 2 of week 2 of c25k can kiss my big jiggly butt!), & unfortunately you can put a big check next to the labor pains too (good god someone please just remove my uterus! It would be so much less painful than enduring these cataclysmic cramps!)

I am not sure how I got myself out the door this morning, nor in the shower and somewhat dressed for work; I should be in bed crouched over a hot water bottle in the fetal position & moaning like a dying cow while watching daytime television (I say 'somewhat dressed' because I am wearing sweats in public. Hey, it's a holiday and I'm at work and in muted pain, I'm allowed to look like a hot mess*). Actually, the only time I wasn't in pain today was during my run (well, I was I guess. But it's a different kind of pain)

I think I can thank my stellar start to the day to the bikini I purchased yesterday. Yep, a string bikini too. Yikes! I decided I should get one while they're on sale and so I can watch myself shrink into it over the comeing months. Not to mention those before pictures are going to be PRICELESS in motivating me!

I definitely wasn't wrong. I got home, put on the bikini (I felt like a hippo dressed in dental floss) was a little disappointed that the bottoms felt like they sort of fit already (I'm supposed to shrink into it, so I wanted it a little small). I took 4 photos: the front, the back, and each side view. I felt my breath catch in my throat as I reviewed them. Um, no! The bottom's most certainly do NOT fit!! There isn't just muffin top in this photo, it's the whole muffin and then some! And in the photo of my back, where did the string go? Oh I see - or rather I don't see - because it disappeared into that roll of fat! And are those dimples on my BELLY?? Oh good God, someone just shoot me now...

Well, after taking the "What's Your Motivation?" quiz over at Self Magazine, it turns out they were right & vanity IS my #1 motivator. I think I knew that and I've been avoiding it. After all, narcissism is not one of my favourite personality traits. But as the saying goes 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' You have to work with what you have and turn it around to your advantage.

So vanity motivates me, huh? Well instead of wistfully picturing Future Me in a bikini, how about the stone cold reality of me NOW in a bikini? ACK! Just the sight of it makes me want to do a month's worth of interval running in the next 24 hours! Or just run.... run away as fast as I can from looking and daring to even imagine living another day looking like that. Either way, it's got me moving so I guess it's working!!

I may or may not post the dreaded bikini pics here. I haven't quite decided. Taking the photos for my own eyes only was a big enough slice of humble pie; posting them here would be like gorging on the whole pie and asking for seconds. I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of humilation.

Then again, in the spirit of turning thing around to my advantage, I guess I should see it not as shameful and embarassing but rather as a way of showing my commitment. My commitment to NOT look like this, and to never look like this ever again!



*Wearing sweats and/or looking like a hot mess in public is just asking to run into someone you know, or someone cute, or a combination of both. Wish me luck that today I am the exception to this rule!

PS. I am working on some progress pics though. Stay tuned...

Is "Struggling" an Ugly Word?

Even though I have only been blogging for about a month now, I have been on this journey since July 2007. When I remind myself that I have been losing or trying to lose for over 2 years, I am a little more forgiving of myself when I see my inspiration and motivation wavering.

But I don't like to admit that I have trouble staying focused. Because in a sense, I don't. Am I happy where I am physically? No. Do I still want the same goals as I did in the beginning? Even more than ever. It's the daily grind, the small stuff that seems to be giving me in the most trouble. But I hate saying I'm struggling; perhaps because it's a form of saying "I need help".

So lately, I have been in search of things to keep me motivated. To stay inspired. Because every little choice is a step closer to my goal. At the moment, I am probably succeeding on about 50% of those tiny daily choices. I need to get that back up to 80% and up.

This blog is one of those things. And it is definitely helping keep my mind on track. And you, lovely readers, were my surprise bonus; you and your blogs inspire me more than I ever could inspire myself on my own.

Typically, I am a very visual person. I think there's a reason I used to scrapbook and journal. Writing entries one day, cutting out images that move and inspire me the next. In one of my random google searches I came across these female athletes:

T-Nation: Figure Athletes

Now, I'll be the first to admit that some of these women have a few too many muscles and veins showing than I would like! But some of them don't. Some are just lean and firm with slight muscle definition. I find images like this so inspiring. To know it really IS possible to look like that.

I know I won't ever look exactly like that. I will look like MY version of that. And you know what? That version will be even better than any of those pics combined!

So I am very excited about aiming for Hawaii for Thanksgiving! I am hoping for a brand new swim suit for then. It may not be a bikini but if it doesn't include a swim skirt or the words "Miraclesuit"* then I'll be one happy camper!

(Failing Hawaii, then I'm going somewhere warm and tropical for Christmas, so either way, I've GOT to get my jiggly big butt in gear!!)

*Not that I don't love MiracleSuits! I would just prefer to be wearing them in a size 8 or 10, not a size 16 or 18!

It's just like I imagined, only better!

I almost didn't post today. My new work schedule has meant that Wednesday is typically my lazy day. My 'do whatever I want' day.

Now this doesn't mean a hiatus from my diet or exercise plans, but it does mean a little vacation from responsibility for a day. No bill paying, no money-worrying, no meetings, no phone calls to make, no errands to run. Nothing but whatever I FEEL like doing. However, blogging felt like the one "responsibility" that it feels wrong to take a break from. So here I am.

I have been throwing around ideas about Hawaii for Thanksgiving. It's the next time I'll be able to get away if I so choose, and to be honest, it probably won't happen. But I think I'll keep that little fact a secret from myself. Why? Because the moment I started to really picture it, I suddenly found myself a) wishing I could be swimsuit ready by then, and b) calculating exactly how much time there is between now and then and thinking of realistic yet challenging goals to fit the time frame.

The point is I haven't felt that kind of motivation in a while. I am not sure when I stopped setting mini-goals like that for myself, but it's definitely time to start again!

Sure, there are the post-event motivators ("that was fun but next time, I'm going to be THIS size!"), and there are rewards ("only 4 more workouts till my mani/pedi!") but there is nothing quite like focusing on a future event.

Deciding on a future event, picturing it, imagining it, how much fun it will be, how exciting it is. Then picture it 20lbs lighter. Or in a smaller dress size. WOW! Makes a huge difference doesn't it? Suddenly everything gets brighter, happier, and more hopeful. Suddenly skipping the cheese in your salad or getting in an extra walk is so effortless because that future goal is so real and so beautiful, you'll do what you have to to make it a reality.

So here I am. A little under 3 months from Thanksgiving, and I want to see what I can do! Because my weight is being such a little b**ch right now, I'm going to focus on size.

At LEAST one size smaller by November 26 2009.

I would love to say 2 sizes, but seeing as my weight and size don't move much these days I want to keep it realistic. So one size smaller is my red velvet cake. Two sizes smaller is the creamy rich icing on top. (three sizes is the sprinkles, the whipped cream, some vanilla ice cream, chocolate fudge drizzled on top along with some fresh cut strawberries; and taking a photo of the whole damned cake instead of eating it in fear of undoing all the hard work of losing three dress sizes in the first place!)

Maybe the reason I stopped picking future events to focus on is that my social life isn't as happening these days (by choice), so there aren't as many events to plan on and look forward to, but the why/what/how's of that are for another post.

PS. I just downloaded the Lose Weight with Andrew Johnson app onto my iPod Touch. Now, I know this guy is good to relax to because I've used his free Relaxation app and every single time I fall asleep within 10 minutes! And as someone who usually lies awake for 30-60minutes, that's really saying something! (Plus you gotta love that sexy Scottish accent of his... Mmmm...) I hate paying for apps but I figured if he doesn't help me lose weight, he'll definitely help me get to sleep! Only done it once so far, but gotta say I haven't had any cravings today and of all things, I had the incredible urge to cook. ME! Cook! HA!!! (The only thing I make successfully in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires) So I don't know whether to attribute that to the Sexy Scottish Hypnosis Relaxation sounds I drifted to sleep to, or if the stars were aligned, or if it was just some random occurrence. Time will tell. I've always been a little curious about hypnosis and the subconscious when it comes to dealing with addictions, fears, and the like. I'll definitely keep you posted!

The Subway Just Got a Little Sweeter

... or unsweetened as the case may be.

I saw a story on NY1 this morning and I have to admit, I am in full support of this!

Not only does it make for more interesting reading on the subway for me (like the poster with a list of calories in certain beverages; I just know I am going to end up memorizing that list during my daily commute), but because it's totally true! New Yorkers, generally speaking, do not have the healthiest diet.

In fact, just the other day I was chatting with a girlfriend who commented how it would be easier to lose weight in New York because you have to walk everywhere (hell, with all the stairs in this city it's like New York has a built-in StairMaster). While this is also a case of 'grass is greener' (I would totally love to live in FL where she is and be surrounded by warm weather and beach bodies constantly!) I've also noticed how unhealthy the food choices are in New York.

We eat on the run, we buy a slice for 99c, and don't even get me started on the inexpensiveness and convenience of street meat vendors (I have never eaten street meat nor do I intend to, but damn their stuff smells good sometimes!).

I liken this to chain restaurants and bigger food companies that are now required to list calories next to their menu items. Horrifying? Sometimes. But helpful? You better believe it!

Now when I do go out to eat the numbers I'm scanning are calories, not prices. And I'm loving it.

Back in the Game!

Alarm goes off.
I turn it off.
I contemplate going back to sleep.
Wait, I am experiencing déjà vu.
This happened yesterday morning, & I remember how mad and upset I was at myself.
Not again.
Not today.

Success! Up and out the door at 630am to get my wog on! I feel great!
Most of all, I'm excited about my next workout. I finally feel ready to move on to week 2 of c25k. Watch this space...

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

Gimme a 1...!!!!

Gimme a 0...!!!
Gimme a 5...!!!
Gimme a I.N.3.6.5...!!!

Sometimes I wonder where this enthusiastic cheerleader comes from. My new-found twitter friends have noticed it. My good friends on the NS boards back in the day would always comment on it too. But why don't I feel like I am that cheerleader that everyone else seems to see?

Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel as though I'm treading water. Except my head is only just above the water, I'm spluttering a little as sometimes I bob under a little, and my muscles are exhausted from treading water for so long only there's no boat, no land, no help in sight. Nothing to do but keep treading. (wow, I really like that analogy... I just came up with that as my fingers typed my 'as they come to me' thoughts.. wow. tres impressed with myself if I do say so myself!)

I am reminded of when my mother gives me "helpful" reminders. 'Just remember you don't want to return to your former size' or 'be careful at that birthday party. Probably best if you skip the cake and wine'. I know she loves me and she's trying to help, but she just isn't helping.

The thing is I think those sorts of thoughts all on my own. I really do not need her help with those. What I need from her is support. And not fake support either since that really isn't her style, or I guess mine either for that matter. But I need her to dwell on the positive because I sure as hell am dwelling on the negative enough for the both of us.

Simple changes like 'Just keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up' or 'Enjoy catching up with all those friends you haven't seen in a while at the birthday party' is all it needs. But this post isn't about my mother (although don't worry, I have had a serious conversation with her about this example mentioned; and I am sure there will be many solely-mum reports in the future)

The point is I do not like to write frequently about how scared I am that this won't work. Or what happens if I don't lose 105lbs in the next year. Or how painfully aware I am how VERY easily I could take one slip (albeit one MASSIVE slip, but nonetheless ,still a slip) and end up back where I started at roughly 336lbs and a size 25 jeans.

So I psych myself up. I cheer myself on. I try get all Jillian Michaels on my a$$. I think about how amazing it will be WHEN I succeed - anything from resisting snacks at the movie theatre to wogging 5k again.

Besides, does Negative Nelly really help anyone (Actually, I'm serious! I would love to hear from anyone who uses Negative Nelly to motivivate them and how/why that works). I am sure remaining positive cheers other people up, and perhaps if I motivate others, then they will motivate me. (Why I can't just motivate myself in the first place I have no idea)

Essentially, I just find it very curious that this is the vibe I give off when it was not my conscious intention at all. Don't get me wrong, Enthusiasm is a great compliment, and I'm so happy to be getting that comment time and time again. I just wonder where it comes from when the majority of the time I'm treading water (refer back to awesome analogy earlier!)

Or maybe this is just a huge case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Because if experience is anything to go by, if I am patient and stick with it... if it talks like a cheerleader, sounds like a cheerleader, and acts like a cheerleader, then maybe eventually I'll actually believe I AM a cheerleader! Afterall, I am my own biggest fan.

And you should be your own biggest fan too!

SIDENOTE: And maybe one day, I'll be the size of a cheerleader too! OK, not of those freskishly teeny, still-hasn't-developed, throw 20ft in the air ones, but maybe one of the "base" ones would be nice.

The tweet that made my day

I just received the nicest tweet. Of course all my new found twitter friends are fabulous, but this tweet was extra special.

It was from a girl with roughly the same weight stats as me saying I am already motivating her. Wow! This makes me feel amazing!

I set out with this blog and twitter account to act like jumper cables to a car battery that has run out of juice. I was the car battery. I needed a jolt. I needed something to motivate myself and to keep me
accountable.

Although i know ive collected a lot of knowledge on this weight loss journey (and from throughout the years), i am still learning. By no means am i yet surpassing the teacher and am eons away from becoming a master (but i will one day. Just watch!) So I feel honored and humbled that already someone can look at me and say 'that motivates me'.

Plus it made me realize another great reason to "keep on bloggin' to keep on losin'". That just as much as I like finding information and/or people so I can see that I'm not alone on this crazy life-altering journey, I just might be one of those people to someone else.

Talk about warm fuzzies. It's like paying it forward only I'm not done yet! Isn't it cool how with this kind of stuff you don't have to wait to pay it forward?

PS. Just watch this space! Cause eventually I'll be the girl who can proudly say I lost a total of 181lbs and will be fully armed with knowledge, love, and the confidence to pay it forward!

Gone Running

I heart the Nike 'Gone Running' ads. (Actually I love Nike in general but that's for another post)

Just wanted to share one with you.

PS. I haven't actually left and 'gone running' because I'm at work, but it's definitely inspiring me to put on my running shoes instead of my slippers when I get home!