Never Ever

I have been feeling a little lost this last week or so. In the moment, things are fine, I'll probably even tell you that I'm happy. Which is true. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm playing catch up right now.

I am letting old habits creep back in. The way things become so 'important' to me that they get all my time and energy and focus and dedication, when really the ONLY thing in my life that should be receiving that type of attention from me constantly right now is ME. Me and my weight loss. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Physically speaking, I am relatively on track. Slips here and there, not quite 100% but far from completely off the wagon. I'm talking mentally. My head isn't in the game. I so desperately want this, but the confidence is lacking.

One of the best books I ever bought was The Sixty Second Motivator*. I pulled it out last night & had a quick flip through it & made some notes in my journal to think about today. It's such a quick read & really helps me understand what motivation is and how to 'easily' find it. But easy is relative. You need a cold, hard dose of reality sometimes in order to find the truth.

But I'm getting a little off track. The biggest thing on my mind this week has been a job interview I had on Monday. I so desperately want this job even though I run the risk of going back to my past life. But as much as I feel I'm lacking in confidence at the moment (I also think I'm standing in my own way right now but I think that's for another post) there is one thing that I, without a doubt, have total confidence in: That I will never go back to my starting weight.

I will never be that heavy again. Ever. That's not a promise. It's a fact.

First of all, it will never happen because I am learning to love myself and love looking after myself. There is some serious self-neglect going on when you get yourself up to 336lbs. But more importantly, the revelation I had this week is that I will never be that weight again because I am a happier person, and am much more honest with myself about what happiness is for me.

After watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu this week & after a few D&Ms with new found friends revealing how much I used to weigh, I have come to a simple conclusion: 15-20lbs overweight is life getting in the way. It's bad habits, it's 'not enough time', it's 'I'm too busy right now'. But 30-40+ lbs overweight? That's emotions.

I know I'm not saying anything new here. But it's a realization that not only is enjoying taking care of myself going to ensure I am never that heavy again, but the simple fact that I will never let myself be that unhappy again. That alone is going to ensure I never return. Will I slack off & let life get too busy on occasion and possibly gain up to 15-20lbs? Unfortunately yes I think so. I have accepted that weight & food will be a constant struggle for me throughout my life. I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, but it's a choice, and one I am willing to accept in exchange for letting life happen, and indulging in it every now and then.

But will I ever become so disconnected with myself, and stop giving myself what I need to feel happy and whole that I gain 30+, 40+, 50+? Never ever again. It's impossible. I am in a very different place these days mentally and especially emotionally. You can't undo being honest with yourself. You can't go back into denial. Or at least I can't. The cat's out of the bag. Emotionally speaking I now know what I want, and what I need. And those are things that are now impossible to ignore.

Which is why my greatest fear right now is not going backwards, but standing still. I suppose that in itself is a great achievement, and yet somehow not. Sure, it's not going backwards, but it's not going forwards either. Am I really so scared my life will change? Won't it change for all the amazing reasons that I dream about? Every time I think I put my finger on one of the major reasons I stand in my own way, it slips away again. But I'm working on it.

As for feeling in control again, it dawned on me late last night that in the past what I have done is taken 2-3 days to get religiously back on track. To cross every T and dot every I. It's just something I do. I block out the world for up to 72 hours (sometimes literally and I'll stay in my apartment the entire time. Yay for workout DVDs!) & I re-emerge completely refocused, remotivated, reenergized, 110% rebooted. it's like my own mini-Biggest-Loser-campus and I love it.

The only bad thing about this is when I have a schedule like I currently do and technically do not have a single day where I am able to do nothing. I have something happening on every single day right now. So I am giving thanks for Thanksgiving, because I will finally have at least 1 whole day of nothingness.

But I'm not sitting around and waiting until then. I need to learn how to do this come rain, hail, or shine. Life happens. So what? I need to learn how to roll with the punches and make it work.

*Here is another of his books that speaks to me a lot. If you like statistics and facts, this is the book for you! It really is no nonsense and makes perfect sense!

Fat Girls Are Pretty Too

I am always proud to declare that I am a jeans and sneakers girl. In fact, as I've lost more weight I can't help noticing I am buying more cute tees with prints and more fun sneakers (oh Nike, you know just what i like and the way i like it!). But i have to wonder... is this part of Fat Girl Mentality and I'm just having trouble breaking out of it, or am I truly a jeans and sneakers gal?

Because the truth is, I don't like dressing up. Pretty dresses, high heels (ICK!), the whole notion makes my heart sink (did you see that right there? an 'ick' to high heels? what the hell is that??). I feel uncomfortable, and in my experience I spend most of the night fidgeting or primping. By the end of the night I'm tired and quiet, or worse, cranky because my feet hurt, and ultimately I didn't have a great time because I spent most of it concerned or distracted by my outfit.

Now is that just the Fat Girl talking or is that the Jeans and Sneakers girl talking?

Part of me thinks it's just cause I'm not used to it and I don't do it that often, and hey, jeans and sneakers ARE more comfortable than a revealing LBD and stilettos (double ick!)

But another part of me thinks it's the Fat Girl screaming 'I look like a whale! Take me home!' I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to look beautiful because I can't possibly be... I am a hippo. In fact, I am usually feeling just shy of the image of lipstick on a pig. Except in this case it's 'the LBD on the fat chick'.

Isn't that horrible?! But it's these types of thoughts and emotions that I KNOW (and hate admitting) that I have to deal with if I even hope to keep this weight off for good.

Take the guy I'm seeing for instance. He'll talk about wanting to take me somewhere and how I'll be dressed in heels and a flirty dress and I feel myself inwardly sigh. I want him to accept the girl in jeans and sneakers, not try to change me into something I'm not. But maybe I'm so determined to be stubborn in my ways (which would not surprise me!), I think I might be blind to the bigger picture: he wants to see me dressed up cause he thinks I look great (that's it right? Not that he's trying to change me? That he actually thinks I look pretty, and not lipstick on a pig pretty, but actually pretty...??)

Or like how I notice he'll compliment me when I do wear a skirt or on the rare occasion I wear heels (they're probably just wedges. And wedges hardly count as heels now, do they?). Or I'll notice how sometimes if I am wearing a dress it's almost like he can't keep his hands off me! So why do I resist so hard when evidently most of it, maybe even almost all of it, is in my head???

OK, so maybe this all might just be him just liking his girls girly. And as much as I love my jeans and sneakers I will admit I am a girly girl at heart. I like cute stuffed animals, I giggle, and I scream at spiders and bugs. But I have a sneaking suspicion that that's beside the point anyway. I think the point is why do I insist on feeling ugly when I am even one of the lucky ones who gets compliments telling me that I'm not!?!

I am on a journey to shed weight, but I think I also need to shed some of my attitude as well. OK a lot; I need to shed a LOT of my attitudes and beliefs. I am NOT a cow dressed in a mumu. I am a pretty, 20-something girl who looks fabulous in a LBD and sexy heels (ugh, do I have to?). I don't quite believe that yet, but I'm trying...

I think this is a HUGE case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Back in the Game!

Alarm goes off.
I turn it off.
I contemplate going back to sleep.
Wait, I am experiencing déjà vu.
This happened yesterday morning, & I remember how mad and upset I was at myself.
Not again.
Not today.

Success! Up and out the door at 630am to get my wog on! I feel great!
Most of all, I'm excited about my next workout. I finally feel ready to move on to week 2 of c25k. Watch this space...

Start Immediately. No Exceptions.

Why didn't I work out this morning??? Grr!! I am so mad at myself right now!!!

Although I did have a much needed sleep in. I haven't been getting much sleep these days. I'm not too sure what that's about.

Truth be told, I am feeling fat and sloth-like. I need to run! (damn sunburn) I also need to go back to Jenny Craig. This past month has been a refreshing break from it, but now I am ready to get back to the no-brainer diet.

Here's something interesting: when I follow Jenny Craig exactly, I lose weight. Sometimes a lot. If I fudge it, or skip it, or substitute it, etc, the results aren't as great, if there are even results at all! So why do I cheat? I'm not just cheating my diet, I'm cheating me. Am I weak? Am I scared? Why do something so stupid? Definitely all good questions and I don't have a solid answer for it yet. In the meantime, I am determined to follow the program down to the last lettuce leaf if it will in some way get me off this damn plateau!

Part of me wants to say tomorrow is a brand new day. A fresh start. Luckily I read something in my horoscope that I feel can be applied directly here. In fact, it was a quote:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

Well, I think Will is right. Why start tomorrow when I can start immediately? Unfortuantely I am at work until 11pm (Grr! Only adding to my frsutration!) So no brisk walk at dusk, but what I can do is drink this 1.5L bottle of water I have here and eat the yummy salad I just ordered for dinner, bypass the bar on the way home from work, get lots of Zzzz's, and get that walk in first thing tomorrow.

No excuses!

PS. One of the best things about Vegas is the extra incentive and motivation: when I go there next summer, I want to be wearing a bikini! No exceptions.

Back To It!

I'm not feeling quite ready to post, but I think that's even MORE of a reason I should!

Why Am I not ready to post? Because I'm not quite back into my healthy routine. But maybe blogging comes first, not last. Maybe this will help refocus me, get my butt to the grocery store and my hands back on those weights.

I had a lovely time in Las Vegas. I absolutely love it there and find myself searching the Vegas job ads and the real estate market each time I return home. I love New York but it's like I'm having a sordid love affair with Sin City on the side. It's OK though... the Big Apple knows about it and we're cool.

But now I'm back and that means now it's back to it! Up off your big butt, put down that mimosa and WORK IT!

Unfortunately what happens in Vegas doesn't quite stay in Vegas... I got sunburnt on my back quite badly and it's making working out - specifically interval running (my favourite!!!) - really difficult. I hear myself say that, I catch myself thinking it, and it sounds like it's just Fat Me talking so Real Me steps in: 'pfft! What a load of crap! You're making excuses! Get out there and run that a$$ off!'

Then I try put on my crossback sports bra (with or without the weight problem, my girls need the support! Especially while running!) and I yelp in pain! My back doesn't even want clothes on it let alone a regular bra, and most certainly not my sports bra! Humph. Fooey! I'm a little lost for alternatives right now, which isn't helping to get me uber back on track and back into the game.

On the bright side? My eating was pretty good while I was away. I didn't splurge or go nuts and watched my portions (could have used more veggie servings though) and despite my drinking and being surrounded by cigarette smoke at the casinos, at the pool, well basically everywhere(!), I did not feel the need to smoke. It didn't gross me out, it didn't give me cravings or make my mouth water. I was just indifferent; a little put off by the smoke (like most non-smokers are - woohoo! Does that make me closer to being one of them??) but other than that - nothing. It's both great and slightly eerie how easy this quit has been... it's really like my body AND my mind were both 100% ready to quit at the exact same time.

Down side? I drank. A lot. (you didn't think I was going to acknowledge that I just said that above, did ya?) Well there's all my extra calories right there! (and then some, probably!) And maybe it would have been ok if it was the occasional light beer or a smart glass of wine with dinner. But oh no! This is me in Vegas!! Come on now! Give me some credit. And hey, I was on vacation, right? For my birthday. Hmm...

(Had a quiet little birthday dinner with a few close friends when I got back. Again, watched the portions and only had 1 slice of cake, not 3)

But I gotta say, I love anywhere where I can order a long island iced tea before noon without judgement. (just please take my phone away from me. Drunk texting and/or dailing is never a pretty thing)

M.I.A. = B.A.D.

Yesterday was crazy. I ate well but felt like a bit of a slug because it was my day off between cardio days. I SHOULD have done some weights, but like I said, crazy! Plus my abs are sore from Tuesday's run.

Which reminds me, does anyone else get that? Sore abs from running I mean? Hey, I'm not complaining, it means they're getting a workout! I'm assuming my legs don't get sore from all those years of dancing but my core has become weak, and as we all know, your core/abs is your powerhouse. I just think it's a little odd that a run for most means sore legs (or just sore all over lol) and for me it means sore abs. Hmm.

Anyway, I remember yesterday missing being on twitter; it keeps me uber focused and almost anxious to go for a walk or eat a carrot or something of that nature.

Last night I ended up having a beer with friends after a long day (and it didn't lead to a cigarette! I am both pleased and very surprised how easy this quit has been!) but it did lead to a quick trip to MacDonald's on my way home! ARGH!!!! BAD!!!! B.A.D!!! As in Burger And Disaster!

I would hate to give this blog so much power (already!) as to say 'I didn't blog therefore I binged' because I think my bad habits and mistakes on this weight loss journey have always been for multiple reasons, and never solely one reason. But I am suspicious, if I blogged yesterday (or at least been on twitter), would the trip to the Golden Arches occured?

I am yet to work out if this is a drinking habit, a end of a long day habit, a 'too long since dinner' thing, it could even be a 'at least it's not a cigarette' type action... or maybe all of the above. At any rate, I am going to crack this nutty habit wide open, and in the meantime, I am staying away from McFATS!!!!


SIDENOTE: To help combat excess calories I have been for my workout in the park this morning and I'm thinking today needs to be a bit of a detox: fruit, veggies, and a few wholegrains.

PS: Eating better and less drinking = complete lightweight now! Seriously, I used to be able to drink most people under the table. now 1-2 beers and I'm all tipsy. What the hell?? That's no fun! Ha! Talk about a cheap date.

Inhale The Fresh Air!

As I was replying to a comment (Thank you again MizFit!) I noticed something when I listed off a little list of my history of quitting smoking...

quit: March-Sep 2008
back on the cancer sticks in Oct 2008
quit: Nov 2008 - March 2009
asking for lung cancer April-July 2009
quit: August 5, 2009... FOR GOOD! :)

Both times when I turned back to smoking, I was unemployed and job hunting (ahh, the joys of freelance, contractual work!). Turns out, I'm a stress smoker!

I'm rather pleased with this little discovery. Although it does mean I have a harder job than the boredom smokers out there. If you smoke out of boredom, you just need something to keep you busy, a quick little task, anything, until the craving subsides. But stress? How do you handle that? (Evidently I am better at curing the boredom blues than the stress jitters)

I think the best stress less/overcome a craving technique for me in general is 'breathe and reboot'. Take 5 deep breaths and clear your mind. Then do it again. Keep doing it until you've calmed down & can see the bigger picture (or at least have removed yourself one step back from the immediate picture)

Of course a one hour deep tissue massage never goes astray either.

What's your best stress buster technique?

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The good? I have survived Day 1 of not smoking! Plus I still went to the gym and got in some cardio.

The bad? I am a mess. I need a distraction yet I can't focus on anything long enough for it to really distract me. The nap helped. But I can't nap the whole time!

The ugly? I decided it was OK to have some m&m's because it is better than smoking. Very, Very, VERY bad decision! Now, not only do I feel guilty as hell (they didn't even taste that good!) but I feel a little ill, and I can't even have a cigarette to take away the icky feeling (it usually helps). ARGH!


The solution? I am going for a walk around the block to clear my head. Maybe it will help.

Hanging in there. I know from experience the second 24hours is much worse than the first (Oh Jebus help me!)

Nice People Finish Fat

I am trying to leave behind my freelance career in theatre and live events for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons being it was a big contributor to making me fat!

Any job that consumes your life is bound is make your health take a little tumble. But long hours, combined with late/"non-traditional hours, combined with your JOB is to put everyone else's needs before your own.... well, that's not a tumble. It's a freaking avalanche of a weight gain waiting to happen! But ultimately, the problem is being too NICE. Case in point:

"Oh sure, I'll do that for you (during my dinner break meaning that all I will have time for is to 'grab something' especially since by that point I will be starving and pressed for time)"

OR...

"I can work on that tonight at home (which will keep me up way too late which will inevitably lead to Forth Meal, which leads to no breakfast (or working out), which leads to... my fat ass!)"

You get the idea. I'm not saying I have to learn how to be a bitch, but OMG would it pay off to learn how to not be so NICE!

One of my closest friends and someone I have worked with before called me tonight. He desperately needs a stage manager just for 3 nights next week to fill in. I look at my schedule. Clear as day. I could totally fit it in around 'work' and 'gym' which were the only things on the agenda for those days.

But fear gripped me. This is how I got fat in the first place! Taking on too much, working late, being too tired to exercise or eat right, not to mention it is an industry that is filled with way too many landmines of bad habits for me. My instant reaction was to say no. Why tempt fate?

But then I reconsidered. I cannot spend my life running away from my fears and old habits. I know in advance therefore I have an advantage and can plan around this. Plus, he is a very good friend, and I would love to work with him again (even if it is only 3 days). So I accepted.

Luckily, he is also a good friend, so like any good eat-a-holic, I enlisted his help. I told him my concern is that working late might mean not going to the gym in the morning because I'm tired, or that working all day and heading straight to rehearsal will mean fast food, or worse, both could happen. But I told him that I cannot let that happen. I am not sure what help I wanted from him other than for him to listen, and for me to say it out loud.

It worked. I felt a surge of confidence that I can do this. It's only three little days. Take it one step at a time and above all else, especially for those three days, take care of myself.

PS. If you see less of me during those three days next week, it's because I'm prioritizing ;) As much as this blog ranks right up there, sleep and working out are more important (the way it should be!)

NOTE TO SELF: Come up with strong a fail-safe, loophole-proof, three day plan.

SIDENOTE: I should totally be in bed, but creating this blog and today starting my twitter page, has given me so much motivation. The people I've discovered and met so far, and the idea that this time next year I could be a weight that I haven't been for nine years is all so inspirational. I couldn't bear the thought of going to bed without sharing my little 'I stared Fear in the face and said "You're on. Bring it!"' moment.

Sweet dreams gorgeous guys and girls! xox