Enabler Schmabler

Maybe it's because most of my friends are male...

Maybe it's because of the female friends I do have, they are all slim to average size...

Maybe it's because I'm a size 18 as opposed to my former size 24/26, so it's "easier" to find women who are a similar size to me...

Who knows? Either way, i am suddenly noticing there are more women who are a similar size to me in my day-to-day life these days. You would think I would enjoy finally being able to relate to people my size. I would have thought so too but I'm finding i'm having a very different problem.

Like most people, they take one look at me, and assume things. But this particular group is assuming a whole bunch of new assumptions that I don't particularly care for to say the least. Partly because i am probably the total opposite of what they are thinking, and second of all but most predominantly & my biggest gripe, they want me to be their ENABLER.

I hate enablers. I am guilty of it, and guilty of wanting them on occasion, but in general, it is a BAD THING.

There are quite a few "bigger girls" at massage school that I've met, and some I've got to know quite well. And they don't seem to care or seem interested in changing the fact that they are bigger. Unlike me, everything at that school makes me want to be smaller. That's their choice and I respect that. So why won't they respect my choice to not be complacent or comfortable with this size?

In our practical massage classes, I don't look at learning a new technique as 'wow, that's painful, I'm doing a minimal amount of that' instead i see it like a challenge. I'm going to need stronger abs? I'll add it to the To-Do list. I'm going to need more stamina and endurance? I'll add it to the To-Do list. None of this 'how can I avoid and/or minimize doing that technique' crap.

Or another perfect example, when we take a break or go on lunch: 'hey, let's get a burger!' No. no, I don't feel like stuffing my face with you just because we were just sweating up a storm and because I'm the same size as you, you assume things about my diet.

Why can't they embrace these healthy changes we are making for our chosen profession? Or at least the fact that Massage Therapists are all about promoting a healthy, balanced lifestyle? Don't they feel the need to practice what they preach? Sigh. But that's an uphill battle. Worse, it's like banging my head against the wall. And above all, they are entitled to their choices.

I of all people know that they will only change when THEY are ready to change.

But in the meantime, I really wish they would leave me out of their 'I hate exercise' and 'let's go eat fatty food' vicious downward spiral.

yep, that's right. I work out. I like to eat right. I will openly admit that I AM NOT HAPPY at this size. I won't shrug it off and look for an alternate solution. If my belly is in my way & is preventing me from doing something (c'mon think about it... how many physical things do you have to 'altar' because of belly fat preventing you from doing it the way healthy-sized people do it?) that's just another motivation for me to ensure the belly flab disappears forever. I will admit when something is just another reason to lose weight, or when something will be much easier when i lose weight. I think the big girls get scared by this. I guess cause I'm leaving them behind. And even though it seems they are in good company, I guess they don't like losing members of The Big Girl Club.

But perhaps formally returning my membership is the only way I will convince them to do the same. Well here it is! I'm officially turning in my 'fat girl for life' badge and RSVP NO to all future Big Girl Club type behavior!

Shake (Off) What Your Mama Gave You!

Does anyone else find it strange that amongst the list of things I want to do when I am at my goal size, there are quite a few... how shall we say, "risque" activities?

Things like:

-- I want to be a Hooters girl! (No really, I do!)
-- I want to pole dance & actually be really good at it (No really, I do!)
-- I want to dance in a cage or in a glass booth behind a bar, or something along those lines (No really, I do!)
-- I want to work in a Bikini Bar or Coyote Ugly type bar (no really, I do!)

Does this make me a whore??? LOL (yes, yes, I use the term loosely and in jest, and my apologies if I offend anyone)

And you can't forget about the flip side; all these jobs require some degree of talent. No, seriously, they do!

Pole dancing? Just go to youtube and search for a 'how to' video or look up 'Pole Dancing Championships' and you will see just how much strength, flexibility, agility, grace, and stage presence this highly skilled artform takes (yep, that's right, I called it an art form. C'mon... take away the pole and give those girls a few more feet of fabric covering their bodies and you're got professional gymnasts right there!

Dancing in a confined space? Again, skill, talent, and stage presence.

Bar work or a Hooters Girl? OK, technically the extent of their talents lie in don't spill the drinks or mix ups the orders. But think about it, do you have the mental ability and sparkling personality perseverance to deal with drunk oogling frat boys? or worse, drunk oogling businessmen? That takes skill (even if that 'skill' is just simple 'patience' and 'tolerance'!) And hey, some of those bar girls have mad mixing skills!

But yes, I will admit, at the end of the day all of these can be perceived as demeaning and/or shallow jobs. So why would I want to do them?

Because never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would not only have the body to do these jobs, but the confidence in myself that I could pull it off. I wouldn't even dare DREAM any of these things are possible.

But now I am daring to dream. Partly because I know I can shape, create, and mould the body *I* want. And my destiny is my chioce and my responsibility.

But mostly because I know I am creating and building the kind of confidence it will take for me to do one or any of these jobs with my head held high if I ever decide to do one or any of them.

And no matter how 'demeaning', or 'judged' I am by others, I will do these things with my head held high quite simply BECAUSE I CAN.

And I know for a fact that when I feel confident about something, I really don't give a **** what people think! (hey it's true, I'm blunt like that). All I know is I'm confident in my decision and you can judge me all you want without it affecting me in the slightest. How? Because at the end of the day you're not me or living my life so what do you care? Naturally of course you are entitled to your own opinion, but when i'm comfortable and confident in something your opinion doesn't matter to me at all. Not even a teensy bit. And besides being free of being overweight, being free of caring about other people's judgment of me will be the sweetest success of all.

No-one Said It Would Be Easy

I'm a little bit upset & teary right now but rather than just dive in I'm going to start this one from the top.

My NYC best friend (I have many best friends; sometimes classifying by region is easiest!) and we haven't really seen each other since the summer. He's had a (sort of) promotion, moved in with his partner, had to go home to KY to deal with family stuff, & probably had plenty more happening than I don't even know about. I've also been busy: school, a break (up), a get back together (sort of), work, and of course still trying to lose weight and exercise and take better care of myself. So between the two of us we've managed to only catch up once - once! - face to face since August.

It was pretty expected that I would be going to his place for Thanksgiving. But he still officially invited, and I still officially accepted. I guessed perhaps 2-3 more guests were also going.

But with the craziness of me desperately trying to get back on track and having some real emotional discoveries this week, I do not want to put myself in harm's way of temptation. There will be so much food and so much to drink and so much dessert... Why challenge myself unnecessarily?

Besides which I can be very much a loner, I very much value my alone time. As much as I am dying to see my friend, I prefer catching up with him one-on-one and not with a handful of other people listening to our every word. So I was thinking since I have an appointment Friday lunchtime, perhaps I could see him Friday night instead? Because Thursday will not only be alone time, I am hoping to make it a Nothing Day too. This is my time to do absolutely nothing and make no plans whatsoever. This includes no social plans; basically if I "have" to put on pants, then it's not a Nothing Day.

But I haven't had a Nothing Day since Vegas in August and I can feel how exhausted I am, how ready I am for Thanksgiving and a much needed break. So I decided (on Thursday I think?Perhaps it was Friday) that I wouldn't go to my friend's Thanksgiving dinner. Out of the whole Thanksgiving weekend I STILL have something happening on every single day. I need to make even just ONE of those 4 days a friggin' Nothing Day dammit! So I picked Thursday. Being I don't want to keep waiting for it. Plus cause I don't want to be faced with extra calories & alcohol. I'm strong enough to admit I'm not strong enough to face that yet.

So my friend gets back to me tonight. And he surprised me because he's actually kind of upset, and in a way, also offended (that I would consider dinner and drinks an obligation of sorts. Unfortunate, but true!). I explained that I really need the day off (to which I can hear him silently scoffing) and when that wasn't doing it I had to reach deep down for a whopper truth and admit that while I'm far from exploding like a hippo I am NOT doing well with my diet and exercise and I have to do what's best for me and not put that temptation in front of me.

And you know what? He STILL made me feel guilty. He even admitted it. Now I feel compelled to go there after dinner to at least say hi and hang out (so at least the food is gone and I can usually resist alcohol if I'm not eating), which of course is really not a good compromise at all because I can tell both of us were still upset by this conclusion.

I'm mostly upset right now because here I was making a good decision for myself and he made me feel guilty about it. How dare he! (On top of that, don't throw the 'thanksgiving is a time to spend with those you love' line cause I'm not American and he knows it!) And as for silently scoffing at the fact that I'm exhausted and I need the day off, yes I have no doubt he feels the same way. Well, GOOD FOR HIM that he still has the energy to entertain! Because you know what? I sure don't! But whatever, more power to him.

Yes, I realize I could have let him know sooner. However, I'm no cook but I think telling someone a week prior you won't make dinner is adequate enough notice. I think him being upset is more about him. He wants to see me (I don't blame him! It's been far too long and I want to see him too! But I NEED to look after me first!), and also it's his first Thanksgiving with his partner in their apartment which he just moved into; I am sure he was also just looking forward to playing House. Maybe this is TOO selfish, but I still say I cannot concern myself with that!

I cannot go to a dinner party knowing food will be in excess & the alcohol never-ending (they're both Italian too) when I am in a such a fragile state both physically (today was the first 100% food day though!) and emotionally (I deserve to stay in control of my choices dammit!). I cannot sacrifice my better judgment, my caution, and perhaps run the risk of also sacrificing my diet just to make my friend feel better. I'm not going to do that; I won't!

I think at this point we both just need to calm down (Oh, and I have no doubt after getting a little tearful earlier that my period must be on its way because there have been waaaaay too many tears in the last 5 days or so!) and accept that there is no happy conclusion here. He's only going to be happy if I go, I'm only going to be happy if I stay home. I do think the best solution is to show up later, after dinner, even if it's just to make an appearance and chat for a little while.

Well, that's if I decide I want to put my pants on that day.

Meet My Evil Twin

As I was perusing facebook last night, I came across some newly uploaded photos of one of my facebook friends. These photos made me delightfully happy and motivated me to no end, so one of my first reactions was that I simply must blog about this! But then I realized in order to blog about it, I'm going to have to knowingly be outright rude, mean, and basically a bitch. So, without further delay, please meet my evil twin...

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Don't deny it, you all have an evil twin. But everyone likes to be nice and pleasant all the time and I'm here to tell you it's a bunch of crap cause we all judge and think evil thoughts (some more often than others). Anyway, last night I stumbled upon some new photos posted on facebook. They were of a girl that I like to refer to as one of my frenemies. As the name implies, we used to be friends back in the day, and while we didn't have a huge fight or confrontation, I just choose to no longer associate myself with her. She has gossiped, bitched, exaggerated, and lied one too many times for me to trust her anymore. Oh, and I haven't just witnessed her do this to/about other people; I've caught her doing it about me too. We are still perfectly plesant to one another, but I wouldn't trust her with any real information even if my life depended on it.

But this isn't meant to be a bitch fest. This is about how new facebook photos of her have motivated me and make me smile. Why? Cause she got fat.

See, evil thoughts right? As someone who is struggling to lose weight you would think me of ALL people would understand her plight. But nope. I really don't care how she ended up gaining weight, and I'm not saying she deserves it either (because no-one deserves to be unhealthy in any way, shape or form) but it made me happy all the same. I can't explain it any better than that. It just made me smile. It made me want to lose more weight. It made me want to be the skinny bitch, so in case I ever run into her again, I can smile some more as I watch her pick her jaw up off the floor and be jealous. Yep, that's right, I said it. And all this boils down to is...

Success is the sweetest revenge.

I love that saying. It is so true. I would never like to think I am petty enough to 'seek revenge' on someone, far from it. But I am a very goal orientated, driven person, so I might as well use that to my advantage. Plus I have witnessed first hand how succeeding in something is all it takes to feel like the universe delivered someone their just desserts, and you didn't have to lift a finger regarding that other person. You don't get your hands dirty and you accomplish something for yourself. How sweet are those just desserts?!

I'm always very careful to pick goals and motivators that are for ME, and no-one else. Unfortunately, watching a frenemy turn green with jealousy falls more into the 'doing it for someone else' category than doing it solely for me. But one little making someone else jealous, or drool, or proud, or whatever, every once in a while can't hurt. It's good for the soul, and for the ego. Not to mention as I said previously, one of my initial reactions was IT MOTIVATED ME. And anything that motivates me these days, I have the urgent need to grab with both hands and milk it for every drop of sweet motivation it's worth!

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Sidenote: Meanwhile, on the business end of things, thanks to 5 days of antibiotics, being too busy to function, and now sore thighs from way too many lunges and squats on Saturday, I have not run for a week. I feel lazy, whale-like, and I am really start to miss my morning routine. Must catch up on my running - I am still determined to finish the c25k running program by/on Halloween!