Pride

I remember the mantra I used when I started on this journey: 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.' and wow did it work!

But as you progress along your journey, you change much more than you realize. You need to constantly reassess and check-in with yourself. Are you motivated by the same reasons? Do you want the same things? Quite often the things that used to give you trouble and challenge you no longer do, and you are faced with a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.

It's been a while since I've found a good mantra or some sort of succinct saying that will inspire me or help me in a time of need or both. Or maybe I got too over-confident and thought I didn't need one. It's hard to know you need to get back to basics when you KNOW the basics; it's difficult to really feel them for the first time again.

I like the idea of every day being filled with choices and every choice is an opportunity to take a step closer to your goal. Just like when I quit smoking and you're supposed to break it down as much as possible. 'One day at a time' is common however sometimes that's even too much, and you need to take it one moment at a time. Every moment when you choose not to smoke is another step closer to your goal. I realized I should see what happens if I apply the same strategy to my weight loss.

Flipping back through my journal, I noticed a pattern. I love giving myself kudos for good decisions. Sure, I write down the bad and reprimand myself also, but the ones that pop are my successes. It occured to me: I'm proud of those decisions. So on Monday in big bold letters I wrote across the top of the page of my journal:

BE PROUD OF YOUR CHOICES.

I didn't limit myself. I told myself that if I must eat chocolate, go for it, but be proud of it. Honestly? Eating chocolate at this point wouldn't make me proud so I didn't. On Monday I had a great day because I was mindful of every choice. I won't lie, I had cravings or little evil thoughts about how great a soda would be or what if I grabbed that cookie with my coffee but I wouldn't be proud of it so I found myself quite calmly deciding no. I didn't pout or feel deprived (like I sometimes do!) Quite simply by keeping in mind every decision counts, making the unhealthy choice just didn't seem worth it.

When I look at the bigger picture and maybe I have a 14-hour day planned and meetings and homework and social obligations.... OF COURSE a cookie seems like a good idea! A little comfort, a little incentive to get through the day (don't laugh, I'm sure I have used something to this extent to validate an unhealthy choice all the time).

But when you just look at the moment: to cookie or not to cookie? That is the question. Will it make me happy? Will I regret it after? Will I be proud of that decision? Um, no. The answers to those questions are no, yes, no. Suddenly, making the healthier decision is actually quite easy. So I decided to use it again on Tuesday. And again, it worked wonders. And I plan on using it again today.

So I think I finally found a mantra that works for me again. And it feels great.

Dare I say, I'm quite proud of myself for having found it ;)

My Favourite Kind of Reboot

I am a social loner. I love being social, but I can very easily go off and do my own thing. Sometimes I am defiant about it, most times though it comes very naturally to me. I think it's the latter that worries, scares, or confuses people. But when I'm confident about something people's opinions rarely matter to me.

I felt the need to blog today because it feels like forever since I have. Then I saw that my last post was Sunday - hardly 'forever' ago. But that tells me that much has happened, and indeed it has. Mentally and emotionally.

I am recharged. Refreshed. In control (oh, that last one has to be my favourite!). I spent Thursday and Friday completely alone in my little NYC apartment and absolutely adored every minute of it. Saturday and Sunday I worked, but I didn't mind. I was still in my own little world taking a little mental stay-cation.

I always talk about breathe and reboot. It's something that has always worked for me; it's my way of re-centering myself. But the only way I truly know how to do it is to strip back all the details of my life for at least 24 hours and get back to basics. No commitments, no obligations, no errands, nothing. However my life has been so crazy that I've been having to fudge my reboots and work with what I have given, which has been disappointing as well as frustrating.

By getting rid of all distractions, I can focus on me and what I want and what is important. This goal. Period. By reassessing my determination for this goal and the reasons I still want it so very much, I start crossing every T and doting every I, and I start to feel that feeling of control over my path again. I start really enjoying and getting truly excited about this journey again. Not from a novelty or fleeting moment; but from true inspiration that I am able to shape my own future and that control is truly within my grasp.

I'm babbling a bit but my point is I am so uber on track right now it's almost silly. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and I rarely say it, but also spiritually. But I'm not taking it for granted. It's still very fragile and I need to stay focused on it to turn in into a habit. If "It takes 21 days to create a habit" then I have a way to go yet. But I'm not deterred. With every decision, and every day, the healthy decisions get easier and the bad ones lose their weight and importance.

Damn it's nice to have control again.

PS. You should see my journal: scribbles over every inch of every page since Thursday and even spilling into the spaces from earlier in the week; Love it!

I'm Walking Away

My Leslie Sansone DVDs have arrived!

I finally saved up the cash & remembered to hit amazon.com and ordered 3 of them. Free shipping too! (Because who pays for shipping these days, really!)

So here we go! No more excuses...

Daylight Savings ended & it's dark out all the time? Solved!
No space in teeny NYC apartment? Solved!
No exercise equipment? Solved!

Even the time crunch is solved because even just a mile will do wonders. Especially if it's in the morning. It will fire up my metabolism at the start of the day and as long as I eat consistantly and in small portions, and drink lots of water, I'm able to keep it burning at maximum rate. And hey, just a mile at whatever point in the day is better than nothing!

I only have 1 Leslie Sansone walking DVD and that I got as a freebie when I was still with Nutrisystem. But I knew that if this was truly the best solution for me then I was going to need options. Lots and lots of variety options!

I got the Walk At Home* series; they seemed to be the latest (because I can't stand out of date aerobic music) and the cheapest too (I'm a student again, cheaper is better!). I got:

-- 5 Mile Fat Burning Walk: Because 5 miles gives me the most options for if I want to do 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 miles plus who doesn't want to burn fat?!

-- 5 Day Slim Down: This is 5 separate 1-mile workouts. I'm a realist; chances are most mornings I'm only going to have time for 1 mile. So the more options, the better!

-- Walk Your Belly Flat: This one is only 3 miles but it includes ab work and you all know how much I obsess over not only wanting a flat belly but strong abs! (the only other DVD workout series I've invested in is Hip Hop Abs which I LOVE, but unfortunately no longer have the space since I moved into this apartment. Unless I tip my bed on it's side & push it against the wall. While yes, this would also be a good workout in itself, it's just a pain in the friggin' butt and I don't love hip hop abs THAT much as to massacre my bedroom on a daily basis)

So now I'm all set!

Oh, and I did one mile this morning. So can I just say... YAY!!! After weeks of setting my alarm only to hit snooze, this morning I FINALLY got up when the alarm went off AND worked out (I say "AND worked out" because the number of times I did get up without hitting snooze but instead of working out had an extra cup of coffee is ridiculous). GO ME! :D

But now that my new DVDs have arrived, I am anxious to get home & try them out!

Warning: I may be sore tomorrow so brace yourself for some potential whining about it. But I promise it will only be sprinkled in between how great I feel and how on track I am.

PS. I'm at work right now & every hour I am doing 20 modified push ups up against the wall behind me. I'm so proud of me right now. It's rare that I'm feeling so motivated - gotta run with it!

*I feel like I've heard a lot about her Walk Away the Pounds series. Is there a major difference? I'm guessing not, but if there is, anyone care to fill me in? I'm sure I will end up buying all her DVDs anyway, but any comments or advice on any of her DVDs or something similar would be really appreciated. Thanks muchly!

Admit It, You Love It

I am "borrowing" (aka totally ripping off) an idea from 100in12. I think I am long overdue for a little self-love! Which works out perfectly for today! (which I'll tell you all about when I do my 'Day 12' post tonight)

Things I love about my body
in no particular order

1.) I actually love that I have hips. Sometimes this translates to a big butt, which I don't particularly mind but it's not completely true. I have big hips, not a big butt (I actually have this bizarre layer of fat right above my butt which makes it seem like I have a booty when I don't. I'm able to admit this because I know I'm not alone - a gf of mine once whined about hers - so I don't feel like such a freak for telling you that I have this bizarre deposit of fat)

2.) When my body fat percentage is under control I actually have a very tiny waist for my size*. I am definitely an hourglass shape and I love that. My small waist is only emphasized by my big hips; I love this too :) (*Once upon a time I was around 38-30-40. And I can't believe I considered myself fat at that time! I WILL get back there again. And who knows, maybe even a lil smaller!) I wouldn't say I'm as hourglass as Marilyn Monroe, but there is a look that will always be sexy. I don't care what the models on the catwalks say, curves will always be in style. Personally, I'd like to aim a little more Beyonce, than Marilyn: thick, curvacious, but lean & fit. if I can accomplish this, that would be amazing!

3.) my eyes and my smile. I'm a typical SPF girl ("Such a Pretty Face!"). And as I'm being more open & public about my weight loss goals with people that have only known me at this size, they are telling me "You're cute & pretty now, if you lose as much as you're planning, you'll still be cute & pretty, but definitely hot and sexy as well!" I choose to take this as a huge compliment, as well as a huge source of motivation.

4.) my hair. I have thick, long dark hair. Emphasis on the word thick. I constantly wear it up in a ponytail not just because I'm lazy (but there is that too) but because the back of my neck gets so hot when I wear it down! Great in winter, it's like a built-in scarf. Not so great in summer though! It's naturally wavy/curly too, but that part I don't like as much even though I know people are envious of it. I like to straighten it. And I'm also 'blonde' at the moment (ie. as blonde as I should go: light brown base with 2 shades of blonde highlights) and I love that too. And when I get it professionally blow-dried straight: watch out! Talk about confidence overload! My hair has good memory too, which I love. Tell it to do something, it needs minimal product & my hair will still 'remember' to keep on going 12+ hours later.

5.) my skin tone. Thanks to my father I have white/very fair skin for my ethnicity. But thanks to my Filipina mother, I tan in half the time & I tan into a nice olive/brown. Living in New York is enough to bring out the white in me; and just a few days in Sunny Las Vegas (or anywhere with heat and sun but Vegas is a personal fave. I love me some Sin City!) is enough to get my tan on.

My New Best Friend

I can't believe I forgot to mention this sooner! I have a new best friend. I'm not sure what its name is yet, and I'm not even sure if it's a he or a she (leaning towards a she) but it's a new notebook/planner/dairy that I bought specifically for weight loss. (And yes, I fully intend on naming it eventually!)

I tried a few different iPod apps for recording everything. There are some amazing apps out there and they work great! But they can't replace the organic feel of writing by putting pen to paper. And as much as they are more convenient for me, I cannot connect to it & feel it in the way that I should.

I love writing down plans and thoughts and ideas in pretty colours with fun pens. Depending on my mood and what I'm writing reflects in my penmanship and for me that's important. Whether I like it or not, this is an emotional journey so it's not just about writing everything down; it's writing it all down and feeling it and understanding it too.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I used to keep a scrapbook. A big letter-sized sketchbook that I would write in, doodle in, clip pictures that caught my eye, or print articles that I read. I would vent into it ("Why oh why did I have those cocktails?!?!") and I would rejoice as well ("I lost 10lbs in a month! Goal weight here I come!!") Obviously being as big as it was it was only something I did at night or when I was home, and somewhere in the midst of moving, graduating (from my last degree), it was a habit that fell by the wayside.

I've been hesitant to start a mini-version of this for two main reasons: 1.) because I don't want the hassle of constantly carrying something around with me (hence why the iPod Touch apps are so incredibly efficient) and 2.) I don't want to create extra work for myself. I'm scared it will turn into work, not fun.

Thankfully, both of these are solvable! It's not a hassle to carry it around because as a student (again), I am constantly carrying around books. One extra book that's only 5"x7" isn't a problem (in fact, should I switch to a purse for the day it still wouldn't be an issue. I used to be a minimalist but these days my purse is much more 'everything but the kitchen sink'). Secondly, to keep it fun I need a fun notebook (I have a thing for nice stationary. Nice notebooks, pens, post its, etc. It's my thing! It makes me happy) If I like the book, I'll want to write in it and read it. So my mission last Friday was to find the perfect notebook.

As a stationary fanatic, I know that finding the perfect notebook is a tricky business. I'm extremely picky about the cover, binding, the layout, everything! I braced myself knowing I might not find what I'm looking for straight away. But I guess it was meant to be. I found it! The perfect size, spiral bound, lots of room to write as well as keeping everything in order. It's actually a planner (I was prepared to just buy a regular blank notebook) and the layout of the pages works so well for my purposes, and the cover is fun and colorful and makes me want to write in it with my pretty pink pen! You probably all think I'm a bit nuts right now but I don't care! :D

So far, I have written in it every day since I got it, sometimes more than others but nonetheless I'm determined to make it a daily habit. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit so 1 week down, 2 to go!

Besides daily events and ponderings it's already filled with a new list a mini-goal rewards, quotes, important thoughts that I should be thinking, and inspiring pictures I've stuck in. I'm sure I'll be sharing more of it with you!

So between my new best friend and my blog, I think my creative & emotional side has a great outlet to help me work through things and succeed on this journey. And I can't forget my lovely readers who post comments that always brighten my day and make me feel so humble that you took the time to stop by!

Sidenote: I am in cramp hell and yet writing and getting excited about my new bestie is making me feel better! I am not stepping on the scale this week though; I don't want to know the number. Besides, bloated weights don't count! I don't need to feel depressed about it when it's all going to go back to normal in 4-5 days time.

PS. In case you're wondering what notebook I got, it's a Quo Vadis TextAgenda Diary (the student version because it runs Sep'09-Aug'10. Perfect because a) I can't wait till Jan 2010 to start if I got a regular planner and b) *technically* I should be at goal or near it by Aug 2010!). I got the day to a page which is perfect. There's a section at the top for 'priorities' and I like using that for my 'goal of the day'. then a matching section at the bottom for notes which I like to use for whether or not I achieved my goal for the day. All the space in between is perfect for random notes, questions, off-plan foods, thoughts that pop up throughout the day.

It's just like I imagined, only better!

I almost didn't post today. My new work schedule has meant that Wednesday is typically my lazy day. My 'do whatever I want' day.

Now this doesn't mean a hiatus from my diet or exercise plans, but it does mean a little vacation from responsibility for a day. No bill paying, no money-worrying, no meetings, no phone calls to make, no errands to run. Nothing but whatever I FEEL like doing. However, blogging felt like the one "responsibility" that it feels wrong to take a break from. So here I am.

I have been throwing around ideas about Hawaii for Thanksgiving. It's the next time I'll be able to get away if I so choose, and to be honest, it probably won't happen. But I think I'll keep that little fact a secret from myself. Why? Because the moment I started to really picture it, I suddenly found myself a) wishing I could be swimsuit ready by then, and b) calculating exactly how much time there is between now and then and thinking of realistic yet challenging goals to fit the time frame.

The point is I haven't felt that kind of motivation in a while. I am not sure when I stopped setting mini-goals like that for myself, but it's definitely time to start again!

Sure, there are the post-event motivators ("that was fun but next time, I'm going to be THIS size!"), and there are rewards ("only 4 more workouts till my mani/pedi!") but there is nothing quite like focusing on a future event.

Deciding on a future event, picturing it, imagining it, how much fun it will be, how exciting it is. Then picture it 20lbs lighter. Or in a smaller dress size. WOW! Makes a huge difference doesn't it? Suddenly everything gets brighter, happier, and more hopeful. Suddenly skipping the cheese in your salad or getting in an extra walk is so effortless because that future goal is so real and so beautiful, you'll do what you have to to make it a reality.

So here I am. A little under 3 months from Thanksgiving, and I want to see what I can do! Because my weight is being such a little b**ch right now, I'm going to focus on size.

At LEAST one size smaller by November 26 2009.

I would love to say 2 sizes, but seeing as my weight and size don't move much these days I want to keep it realistic. So one size smaller is my red velvet cake. Two sizes smaller is the creamy rich icing on top. (three sizes is the sprinkles, the whipped cream, some vanilla ice cream, chocolate fudge drizzled on top along with some fresh cut strawberries; and taking a photo of the whole damned cake instead of eating it in fear of undoing all the hard work of losing three dress sizes in the first place!)

Maybe the reason I stopped picking future events to focus on is that my social life isn't as happening these days (by choice), so there aren't as many events to plan on and look forward to, but the why/what/how's of that are for another post.

PS. I just downloaded the Lose Weight with Andrew Johnson app onto my iPod Touch. Now, I know this guy is good to relax to because I've used his free Relaxation app and every single time I fall asleep within 10 minutes! And as someone who usually lies awake for 30-60minutes, that's really saying something! (Plus you gotta love that sexy Scottish accent of his... Mmmm...) I hate paying for apps but I figured if he doesn't help me lose weight, he'll definitely help me get to sleep! Only done it once so far, but gotta say I haven't had any cravings today and of all things, I had the incredible urge to cook. ME! Cook! HA!!! (The only thing I make successfully in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires) So I don't know whether to attribute that to the Sexy Scottish Hypnosis Relaxation sounds I drifted to sleep to, or if the stars were aligned, or if it was just some random occurrence. Time will tell. I've always been a little curious about hypnosis and the subconscious when it comes to dealing with addictions, fears, and the like. I'll definitely keep you posted!

Strong Like Donkey Kong!

Today is Day 11 of being cigarette free! It's actually quite unbelievable how few cravings I've had this time round. Plus I recall the weeks leading up to my quit I wasn't enjoying smoking anymore. I was lighting up because of my addiction and not because I actually wanted the cigarette and hating every puff yet I couldn't help it. It's a good thing. I'm pretty sure that means I was finally completely ready to quit!

none the less, I will continue on with my timeline...

5 - 8 days ✔ Check!
The "average" ex-smoker will encounter an "average" of three cue induced crave episodes per day. Although we may not be "average" and although serious cessation time distortion can make minutes feel like hours, it is unlikely that any single episode will last longer than 3 minutes. Keep a clock handy and time them.
10 days ✔ Check!
The "average ex-user is down to encountering less than two crave episodes per day, each less than 3 minutes.
10 days to 2 weeks Stand By...
Recovery has likely progressed to the point where your addiction is no longer doing the talking. Blood circulation in our gums and teeth are now similar to that of a non-user.

For full list and the link, click here.

Healthy Decisions are like Rabbits

Once you get two of them, they multiply like crazy!! Haha!

Seriously though, one healthy decision leads to another. I have a looming 27th birthday coming up in less than two weeks and I'm just planning on going out to dinner with friends. Without even thinking, it was just assumed by all - including myself - that we would be having steak. Everyone knows I'm a steak and mash girl!

But with all this added commitment to exercise, and making effort to eat healthy and organic whenever possible, while I'm all about a splurge once in a while, this one just doesn't seem worth it.

Which is surprising cause you would think that a birthday of all things is the perfect excuse to say "It's my birthday and I'll pig out if I want to!"

But nope. Sorry, no, not interested. It will just make me feel fat, guilty, bloated, full, and regretful. And on my birthday no less. Who needs those sorts of feelings? Not me!

So I'm thinking Dim Sum (all steamed of course) or Sushi, or maybe go all class and just hit the Olive Garden in Times Square and go nuts on Soup, Salad, and Breeadsticks.

'Cause that's just the kind of classy girl I am :D

Being Broken

There's good news and there's bad news. I'm of the school of belief that you 'rip off the band-aid' straight away with the bad news, then soothe the pain with the good news.

So the bad news? I'm broken. Which is my guy's way of saying it's that girly time of the month (haha... Some find it offensive, I find it hilarious and very cute) So even though I woke up early (545am - look at me go! Take that old version of me who used to sleep till noon!) it was more because of cramps & the need to roll around in pain rather than my alarm going off and telling me it's time to hit the gym. Sigh. So no gym and a world of pain. This blows.

The good news? I'm broken. Haha, as any other weight loss chicka will agree, it's a double-edged sword. This means I finally finally de-bloat and as if magically drop pounds almost instantaneously. And there is a fingers crossed moment where I hope the de-bloating will not only reveal my actual weight, but a lovely weight loss that has been hiding for the past 7-10 days.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Habits to Create: I actually missed having my AM workout today! What a pleasant surprise!

Habits to Hate: That I might have used being broken as an little bit of an excuse not to workout. C'mon... I could have at least gone for a walk. Probably would have even helped with the cramps!


That's it for now. Someone please pass the Advil...