Is It Really So Unbelieveable?

Why is it so hard to believe that I deserve this?

After a tearful conversation with my mother explaining to her how much it hurts that she even entertains the notion that she might need to caution me every now & then about regaining (all) the weight, I went into great detail about how I am a very different person emotionally now. This is a difficult subject for us, or more specifically for me to talk about with her, because as close as we are we never talk about "deep dark feelings", and I believe this is the problem. Sometimes I don't even care if she wants to hear it, because I know I need to say it to her.

This is one of those things. I needed to explain to her that for whatever reason, somewhere along the line I decided I didn't deserve the body and lifestyle I wanted. That it was almost like I needed to be punished via ignoring and neglect. However, life is a balance, so without all that care and attention going into me and my health, where did it go? Into my studies and my career. This spoke worlds to her, and she really understood it. I was putting double the effort, care, and attention into my career, and you know what? It sort of paid off. I excelled quickly and I constantly have the problem of having the experience but being too young.

But this over-achievement was a distraction from the truth that I knew half of this attention should be going into me. Or perhaps I thought if my career was successful enough it would compensate to the point of not even mattering that I didn't take care of myself. Both are good theories; at the end of the day I think it's six of one & half a dozen of the other because both boil down to a lack of balance.

I do not think it's a coincidence that I started re-evaluating my career and backing off substantially and trying new things (Hello! Massage school!) around the same time that I realized I needed to live a more balanced life. As they say 'the first step is admitting you have a problem'. Which I couldn't agree more with. It's the next step that is trickier.

For some reason I am still blocking myself from wanting what it is I truly know I want. Why is it so hard to believe I deserve this?! When my mother was agreeing with me and she went on to say that I've been doing very well, even just to still be committed to seeing this through after 2+ years, and that I do deserve to be healthy and happy with the way I look.... you know what I did? In my head I agreed with everything she said until she said 'You deserve to be healthy and happy with the way you look' to that, in my head I called 'bullshit'.

Wait, WHAT?!

Yep, seriously. I called bullshit. I called bullshit to me deserving the healthy, happy body I want. There is something very wrong with that. I don't understand why I don't believe I deserve it. Because I do. I KNOW I do. So why do I think I don't? Why am I punishing myself? It is really so scary to let all that go? Wow....


I am judging myself for getting so in my head in the last few weeks, and I know I shouldn't be judging. I need to not sensor, or edit, I need to let it all out. Everyone's process is different and I need to keep doing what's right for me. I really don't want to obsess on this, but maybe this is one thing that I AM allowed to over-analyse. I think I need an answer. Or perhaps the answer is irrelvent. I think I NEED TO BELIEVE that I deserve this before I move on.

I have been trying to replace the word 'should have' with 'deserve to'; it usually manages to turn a negative, guilt-ridden statement into a positive one. But there's that word again: "Deserve". It's like my Word of the Moment. it's making me really think about things...

I deserve this. I do dammit! Why is that so hard for me to believe?

It's All About The Trust

I need to trust the process. I don't know if I'm having trouble putting trust in something or if it's self-sabotage, or maybe I haven't made a real connection as to WHY I need to put trust in the process... WHATEVER. The point is I need to trust it. Plain and simple. I may need to fake this one till I get the hang of it! Write everything down, cross everything off, and just trust that eating ALL your food and doing a little exercise everyday is all it takes! No calculations, substitutions, or guessing needed!

(My new notebook is helping, but I'm still not crossing off foods. I'm writing down off-plan foods & substitions, exercise, water, questions, & little thoughts, but not crossing foods off... not sure what that's about...)

“Believe in yourself, trust the process, change forever.”

- Bob Harper

I am a Force to be Reckoned With

Jillian Michaels said somewhere to acknowledge that you are a force to be reckoned with. And within the last week I came across the quote below talking about being the force.

Today I will be a force of strength. I will believe that I am strong enough and able enough to make the best decisions for me and my goals and will not blame it on situation, emotions, or circumstance. Not all things are within our control but making the healthiest decisions always is.

Here's to a Terrific Tuesday!

“I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.”

- Og Mandino

Get Aggressive

I'm posting a quote I've already posted because I need to be reminded:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

After my 4 beer disaster on the weekend, it's time to get aggressive. I used to say no to all social calories because I was *that* determined to succeed and you know what? It worked. I used to religiously cross everything off my food plan for the day and eat every single thing and you know what? It worked. It's time to get back to basics, get aggressive, and start wanting this more than anything else. Is that a reasonable attitude for the rest of this journey? I doubt it. But I think it's definitely doable for the next 7 weeks.

Social events come and go, life goes on. I am NOT missing out by saying no to alcohol or saying yes to healthy options only. I will admit, I've been known to say no to the social event altogether because I don't want to or I just don't have the strength to deal with a social situation, and for the next 7 weeks, I say that's OK too.

Something my JC consultant said really stuck (OK, a lot of things stick!) which was people who get angry or aggressive or frustrated usually make the most process. I agree. Because they are ready for change. They are ready to do what it takes. Even if this means making 'sacrifices'. I need to get 100% in that mindset again. I used to get there once upon a time. It felt great, empowering even. Now I want it back. I am going to fake it till I make it, but I will make it. I have to. I want this goal to work. It's been such a long time since I've made a good, solid mini-goal and I refuse to let this golden opportunity slip through my fingers.

Fat Girls Are Pretty Too

I am always proud to declare that I am a jeans and sneakers girl. In fact, as I've lost more weight I can't help noticing I am buying more cute tees with prints and more fun sneakers (oh Nike, you know just what i like and the way i like it!). But i have to wonder... is this part of Fat Girl Mentality and I'm just having trouble breaking out of it, or am I truly a jeans and sneakers gal?

Because the truth is, I don't like dressing up. Pretty dresses, high heels (ICK!), the whole notion makes my heart sink (did you see that right there? an 'ick' to high heels? what the hell is that??). I feel uncomfortable, and in my experience I spend most of the night fidgeting or primping. By the end of the night I'm tired and quiet, or worse, cranky because my feet hurt, and ultimately I didn't have a great time because I spent most of it concerned or distracted by my outfit.

Now is that just the Fat Girl talking or is that the Jeans and Sneakers girl talking?

Part of me thinks it's just cause I'm not used to it and I don't do it that often, and hey, jeans and sneakers ARE more comfortable than a revealing LBD and stilettos (double ick!)

But another part of me thinks it's the Fat Girl screaming 'I look like a whale! Take me home!' I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to look beautiful because I can't possibly be... I am a hippo. In fact, I am usually feeling just shy of the image of lipstick on a pig. Except in this case it's 'the LBD on the fat chick'.

Isn't that horrible?! But it's these types of thoughts and emotions that I KNOW (and hate admitting) that I have to deal with if I even hope to keep this weight off for good.

Take the guy I'm seeing for instance. He'll talk about wanting to take me somewhere and how I'll be dressed in heels and a flirty dress and I feel myself inwardly sigh. I want him to accept the girl in jeans and sneakers, not try to change me into something I'm not. But maybe I'm so determined to be stubborn in my ways (which would not surprise me!), I think I might be blind to the bigger picture: he wants to see me dressed up cause he thinks I look great (that's it right? Not that he's trying to change me? That he actually thinks I look pretty, and not lipstick on a pig pretty, but actually pretty...??)

Or like how I notice he'll compliment me when I do wear a skirt or on the rare occasion I wear heels (they're probably just wedges. And wedges hardly count as heels now, do they?). Or I'll notice how sometimes if I am wearing a dress it's almost like he can't keep his hands off me! So why do I resist so hard when evidently most of it, maybe even almost all of it, is in my head???

OK, so maybe this all might just be him just liking his girls girly. And as much as I love my jeans and sneakers I will admit I am a girly girl at heart. I like cute stuffed animals, I giggle, and I scream at spiders and bugs. But I have a sneaking suspicion that that's beside the point anyway. I think the point is why do I insist on feeling ugly when I am even one of the lucky ones who gets compliments telling me that I'm not!?!

I am on a journey to shed weight, but I think I also need to shed some of my attitude as well. OK a lot; I need to shed a LOT of my attitudes and beliefs. I am NOT a cow dressed in a mumu. I am a pretty, 20-something girl who looks fabulous in a LBD and sexy heels (ugh, do I have to?). I don't quite believe that yet, but I'm trying...

I think this is a HUGE case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Gimme a 1...!!!!

Gimme a 0...!!!
Gimme a 5...!!!
Gimme a I.N.3.6.5...!!!

Sometimes I wonder where this enthusiastic cheerleader comes from. My new-found twitter friends have noticed it. My good friends on the NS boards back in the day would always comment on it too. But why don't I feel like I am that cheerleader that everyone else seems to see?

Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel as though I'm treading water. Except my head is only just above the water, I'm spluttering a little as sometimes I bob under a little, and my muscles are exhausted from treading water for so long only there's no boat, no land, no help in sight. Nothing to do but keep treading. (wow, I really like that analogy... I just came up with that as my fingers typed my 'as they come to me' thoughts.. wow. tres impressed with myself if I do say so myself!)

I am reminded of when my mother gives me "helpful" reminders. 'Just remember you don't want to return to your former size' or 'be careful at that birthday party. Probably best if you skip the cake and wine'. I know she loves me and she's trying to help, but she just isn't helping.

The thing is I think those sorts of thoughts all on my own. I really do not need her help with those. What I need from her is support. And not fake support either since that really isn't her style, or I guess mine either for that matter. But I need her to dwell on the positive because I sure as hell am dwelling on the negative enough for the both of us.

Simple changes like 'Just keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up' or 'Enjoy catching up with all those friends you haven't seen in a while at the birthday party' is all it needs. But this post isn't about my mother (although don't worry, I have had a serious conversation with her about this example mentioned; and I am sure there will be many solely-mum reports in the future)

The point is I do not like to write frequently about how scared I am that this won't work. Or what happens if I don't lose 105lbs in the next year. Or how painfully aware I am how VERY easily I could take one slip (albeit one MASSIVE slip, but nonetheless ,still a slip) and end up back where I started at roughly 336lbs and a size 25 jeans.

So I psych myself up. I cheer myself on. I try get all Jillian Michaels on my a$$. I think about how amazing it will be WHEN I succeed - anything from resisting snacks at the movie theatre to wogging 5k again.

Besides, does Negative Nelly really help anyone (Actually, I'm serious! I would love to hear from anyone who uses Negative Nelly to motivivate them and how/why that works). I am sure remaining positive cheers other people up, and perhaps if I motivate others, then they will motivate me. (Why I can't just motivate myself in the first place I have no idea)

Essentially, I just find it very curious that this is the vibe I give off when it was not my conscious intention at all. Don't get me wrong, Enthusiasm is a great compliment, and I'm so happy to be getting that comment time and time again. I just wonder where it comes from when the majority of the time I'm treading water (refer back to awesome analogy earlier!)

Or maybe this is just a huge case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Because if experience is anything to go by, if I am patient and stick with it... if it talks like a cheerleader, sounds like a cheerleader, and acts like a cheerleader, then maybe eventually I'll actually believe I AM a cheerleader! Afterall, I am my own biggest fan.

And you should be your own biggest fan too!

SIDENOTE: And maybe one day, I'll be the size of a cheerleader too! OK, not of those freskishly teeny, still-hasn't-developed, throw 20ft in the air ones, but maybe one of the "base" ones would be nice.