Meet My Evil Twin

As I was perusing facebook last night, I came across some newly uploaded photos of one of my facebook friends. These photos made me delightfully happy and motivated me to no end, so one of my first reactions was that I simply must blog about this! But then I realized in order to blog about it, I'm going to have to knowingly be outright rude, mean, and basically a bitch. So, without further delay, please meet my evil twin...

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Don't deny it, you all have an evil twin. But everyone likes to be nice and pleasant all the time and I'm here to tell you it's a bunch of crap cause we all judge and think evil thoughts (some more often than others). Anyway, last night I stumbled upon some new photos posted on facebook. They were of a girl that I like to refer to as one of my frenemies. As the name implies, we used to be friends back in the day, and while we didn't have a huge fight or confrontation, I just choose to no longer associate myself with her. She has gossiped, bitched, exaggerated, and lied one too many times for me to trust her anymore. Oh, and I haven't just witnessed her do this to/about other people; I've caught her doing it about me too. We are still perfectly plesant to one another, but I wouldn't trust her with any real information even if my life depended on it.

But this isn't meant to be a bitch fest. This is about how new facebook photos of her have motivated me and make me smile. Why? Cause she got fat.

See, evil thoughts right? As someone who is struggling to lose weight you would think me of ALL people would understand her plight. But nope. I really don't care how she ended up gaining weight, and I'm not saying she deserves it either (because no-one deserves to be unhealthy in any way, shape or form) but it made me happy all the same. I can't explain it any better than that. It just made me smile. It made me want to lose more weight. It made me want to be the skinny bitch, so in case I ever run into her again, I can smile some more as I watch her pick her jaw up off the floor and be jealous. Yep, that's right, I said it. And all this boils down to is...

Success is the sweetest revenge.

I love that saying. It is so true. I would never like to think I am petty enough to 'seek revenge' on someone, far from it. But I am a very goal orientated, driven person, so I might as well use that to my advantage. Plus I have witnessed first hand how succeeding in something is all it takes to feel like the universe delivered someone their just desserts, and you didn't have to lift a finger regarding that other person. You don't get your hands dirty and you accomplish something for yourself. How sweet are those just desserts?!

I'm always very careful to pick goals and motivators that are for ME, and no-one else. Unfortunately, watching a frenemy turn green with jealousy falls more into the 'doing it for someone else' category than doing it solely for me. But one little making someone else jealous, or drool, or proud, or whatever, every once in a while can't hurt. It's good for the soul, and for the ego. Not to mention as I said previously, one of my initial reactions was IT MOTIVATED ME. And anything that motivates me these days, I have the urgent need to grab with both hands and milk it for every drop of sweet motivation it's worth!

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Sidenote: Meanwhile, on the business end of things, thanks to 5 days of antibiotics, being too busy to function, and now sore thighs from way too many lunges and squats on Saturday, I have not run for a week. I feel lazy, whale-like, and I am really start to miss my morning routine. Must catch up on my running - I am still determined to finish the c25k running program by/on Halloween!

Shake What Your Mama Gave You!

This will be my last apology for not being more consistent with my blogging and tweeting. So: I'm sorry! Truly, I am! And I am apologizing to myself as much as each and every one of you who care to drop by (and who I really love for doing so!).

But I say last because I know I get bored of reading "I'm so sorry!" at the start of every post. I can't help thinking 'Yes, yes, we know, just get to the good stuff already...! I want to hear what's been happening, not how sorry you are!" (Unless you scoffed the remainder of that chocolate cake while standing in front of the fridge door. In which case, yes, be sorry! Shame on you! (Shame on me too. I am sure I have done that at some point too)lol)

Between full time school (yes, I am back at school again, but I'll save that for another post), full time work, and losing weight and getting healthy being a full time job and a half, I am just not finding the time to blog and tweet like I used to! But it's a small sacrifice to ensure I am staying on track. Would I prefer to blog about how I wish I had more time to run, or actually go for a run? You see my point :)

OK, business first. I completed day 1 of week 3 of c25k. WOW! I started out thinking I might not be ready for this but I'm going to give it my all and if I can't do it there is no harm in doing week 2 for another week. Well, I was doing pretty well... until my podcast said "OK, 3 minute run coming up" I'm sorry, WHAT?!? Oh hell... Up until this point runs have been 60-90 sec, and suddenly we're jumping to 3 minutes??? It was in that moment that I realized this might just be more mental then physical. And whaddya know? I was right! I got through it. I even got through the SECOND 3minute running interval. Oy. I am both proud and exhausted just thinking about it.

OK now the fun stuff... I broke in my new nike plus shoes by wearing them around for the day (LOVE!!! I cannot describe how happy I feel when I look down and see new Nikes. I would expect it's the same feeling Carrie Bradshaw feels when she looks down and sees new Manolos) and I decided to complete the look I'd go with some fitted bootleg yoga pants, stretchy cami, and cropped long-sleeve little cardigan sweater (can you believe it got cold so fast?) Anyway, I'm not feeling my hottest, depsite the new shoes. Feeling more sporty and perhaps cute, but definitely like all my lumps and jiggles were on display. But, running late I just had to like it or lump it (pun not intended) because there was no time for a quick costume change!

I get to work, and I got so many compliments that day on how good I looked! What the hell??! So.... let me get this straight: lycra and fitted clothes that expose every piece of blubber, fat, and imperfection make me look good?? But when I wear clothes that are still fitted but gracefully skim my rolls of fat and I think I look good in, no-one says anything. Hmm. Verrrrryy Innnnterrresttingg....

Lesson learned: sometimes you need to trust other people's judgement rather than your own. And sometimes, hiding really IS the worst thing you can do. Sometimes you just need to stand tall and proud, show off your body and be damn proud of it, jiggles and all!



PS. Heard a great story from a new friend about her friend who started doing c25k at 290lbs. She's completed that and now she's training for a half marathon. Oh, and she now weighs 190lbs. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!!! Bring it on! Talk about THINspiration!

You Can Take the Girl Out of the Blog...

Oh my! Ever since classes started I am one busy, busy girl! But don't worry, I have stayed faithfully on track. If anything, that's the reason I wasn't blogging - every spare second was taken up being as healthy as possible in the given circumstances!

Hopefully more to come on my busy little bumblebee happenings later... right now I just really wanted to post some runs! I think I'm ready for week 3 of c25k. I kind of want to do week 2 one last time; I'm not sure if that's because I want to make certain I'm ready to move on, or because perhaps I'm scared to. So far c25k is surprisingly, almost eerily!, easy!

PS. After mentioning to a friend that I just improved on my fastest mile time, he challenged me to run a mile in under 8 minutes. Now, I'm a long way off from that, not to mention it's a little unfair seeing as he's uber buff, fit, and a bit of a gym junkie and he can only do a mile in about 10 minutes. (OK he's a little lazy on the cardio, but I still see him as a gym junkie. And yes, he's a little bit yummy as well! All the deliciousness with none of those messy calories!) Plus he's 6'1 and I'm only 5'3! Hello?! I have shorter legs! But he doesn't seem to care. And honestly? Neither do I. I'm still up for the challenge!

I am not sure what I get if I meet this challenge because we are still working out the details, and to be perfectly honest I am not sure exactly why he is challenging me to do this. Part of me thinks it's the wannabe Personal Trainer and lover of all things fitness in him wanting to see me excel, part of me thinks he's just being a ass (because boys can be dumb!) and throwing it out there half as a joke and half thinking I can't do it (and if that's even remotely true, I'll show him!!!), and part of me thinks (& I'm not afraid to admit that this is my favourite reason!) I know he thinks I'm hot now so he can hardly imagine how smokin' hot I'll be if I'm fit enough (and light enough!) to run a mile in 8 minutes or under :)

It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen!

Dead without Deadlines

I think it's time to start setting more mini-goals WITH dates attached.

I think I stopped when I was failing them more often than not and it was really starting to get me down.

But it's time to slap myself and snap out of it (did anyone else just picture Cher in Moonstruck?) Deadlines will push me to succeed. And if I fail the deadline it does not mean I failed myself!!! Quite the opposite! The only way I fail is without trying at all.

So! Another mini-goal: I am currently on week 2 of c25k. That means week 9 is the last week of October. So by October 31st I should be able to run 5k! No stopping, no walking, no cheating, just running!!!

Labor & Labor Pains

Happy Labor Day everyone!

I'm feeling much, much better now that the ibuprofen has kicked in. And I have to say, I am off to a stellar start for the day! Got the laboring part in (Day 2 of week 2 of c25k can kiss my big jiggly butt!), & unfortunately you can put a big check next to the labor pains too (good god someone please just remove my uterus! It would be so much less painful than enduring these cataclysmic cramps!)

I am not sure how I got myself out the door this morning, nor in the shower and somewhat dressed for work; I should be in bed crouched over a hot water bottle in the fetal position & moaning like a dying cow while watching daytime television (I say 'somewhat dressed' because I am wearing sweats in public. Hey, it's a holiday and I'm at work and in muted pain, I'm allowed to look like a hot mess*). Actually, the only time I wasn't in pain today was during my run (well, I was I guess. But it's a different kind of pain)

I think I can thank my stellar start to the day to the bikini I purchased yesterday. Yep, a string bikini too. Yikes! I decided I should get one while they're on sale and so I can watch myself shrink into it over the comeing months. Not to mention those before pictures are going to be PRICELESS in motivating me!

I definitely wasn't wrong. I got home, put on the bikini (I felt like a hippo dressed in dental floss) was a little disappointed that the bottoms felt like they sort of fit already (I'm supposed to shrink into it, so I wanted it a little small). I took 4 photos: the front, the back, and each side view. I felt my breath catch in my throat as I reviewed them. Um, no! The bottom's most certainly do NOT fit!! There isn't just muffin top in this photo, it's the whole muffin and then some! And in the photo of my back, where did the string go? Oh I see - or rather I don't see - because it disappeared into that roll of fat! And are those dimples on my BELLY?? Oh good God, someone just shoot me now...

Well, after taking the "What's Your Motivation?" quiz over at Self Magazine, it turns out they were right & vanity IS my #1 motivator. I think I knew that and I've been avoiding it. After all, narcissism is not one of my favourite personality traits. But as the saying goes 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' You have to work with what you have and turn it around to your advantage.

So vanity motivates me, huh? Well instead of wistfully picturing Future Me in a bikini, how about the stone cold reality of me NOW in a bikini? ACK! Just the sight of it makes me want to do a month's worth of interval running in the next 24 hours! Or just run.... run away as fast as I can from looking and daring to even imagine living another day looking like that. Either way, it's got me moving so I guess it's working!!

I may or may not post the dreaded bikini pics here. I haven't quite decided. Taking the photos for my own eyes only was a big enough slice of humble pie; posting them here would be like gorging on the whole pie and asking for seconds. I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of humilation.

Then again, in the spirit of turning thing around to my advantage, I guess I should see it not as shameful and embarassing but rather as a way of showing my commitment. My commitment to NOT look like this, and to never look like this ever again!



*Wearing sweats and/or looking like a hot mess in public is just asking to run into someone you know, or someone cute, or a combination of both. Wish me luck that today I am the exception to this rule!

PS. I am working on some progress pics though. Stay tuned...

STOOPID!!!

I ruined my own run this morning! I could kill myself! I felt so angry and disappointed at the same time. In fact, I still am feeling disappointed. Let me start at the beginning and take you on the whole journey...

Got up at 6am. I was at the park by 630am. I was feeling great. Early mornings do that to me. Partly cause there's something so exhilarating yet peaceful about early mornings and partly cause I'm still impressed when not only do I get up early, but I get up and run. Call it 'Fat Girl Mentality' but sometimes I still can't quite believe that I do that.

After a 5 minute warm up walk I'm off for my first interval run. Dodge the dog walker with 5 dogs. Overtake a runner - woohoo (OK, so he was about 80 years old but I still overtook him!) Oh dammit, should have worn my other sports bra (yes, I play favorites, especially with my workout clothes). Then I start having this weird feeling. It kinds hurts. I'm not sure what it is. I put it down to my body just waking up and keep going.

As I'm walking off my first interval I can't help feeling that this doesn't feel right. The paranoid fat girl in me is worried I'm having a heart attack. But that's not quite it. It feels lower. It's time to start interval #2 and decide to push on. I'm sure it will go away...

Well I barely made it through the second interval. Something was wrong and it was ruining my run. The first emotion was surprisingly anger. I was annoyed i couldn't run. I had no idea what was wrong. It was almost like I felt like throwing up. Oh bugger is that it?? Crap, am I... pregnant? Oh shit shit shit! But how?? We were careful... We always are... Do I need to swing by the drugstore on the way home?? But I didn't bring any money... Argh! What to do... What to do...

Then I realized. Wait, didn't I have cup of coffee before my run? Usually I have nothing but a few sips of water. But today for some reason I chugged 3 cups of water and had a coffee. What was I thinking?? I think that's just it: I WASN'T thinking. So does that mean...? Could it be? Is this just... Indigestion??

Thank Jebus, Mary Kate, and Ashley Olsen I am not pregnant. But that doesn't bring my run back!

I walked the rest of the way and was feeling much better by the end. So I got in a 30 minute walk instead. Not a complete loss. But definitely a lesson learned!

PS. I know I will look back at this and laugh. "is it a Heart attack?? Is it Pregnancy?? Nope, just indigestion". Sigh! But right now all I want is a do-over!

Sidenote: sometimes celibacy seems like a really good alternative to having a minor freak out every other month!

Kicking Some Interval Butt!

Hey! c25k! Yeah, week 2! I'm talking to you!

I just want to say..... HA! Take that week 2 of c25k! I thought at times during that 30 minutes you were going to get the better of me, but I am stronger than you and I persevered and you were over before I knew it and guess what? I was still standing on the other side! So take that! Neener-neener-neener!

Look at me go! woot! woot! [insert happy dance here]

(although, I must admit you challenged me enough to make me think I might need/want to do 2 weeks of week 2 before moving onto week 3. But that's OK. It will just give me more time to build my strength so I can beat your sorry excuse for a cousin, week 3, into the ground as well!)

With sweaty determination,
Faithfully,
105 xx

Oh Yeah? Make Me!

I didn't go for my run this morning, I got an extra hour of sleep instead.

And for once, I'm not beating myself up about it (well, not completely anyway). Evidently I needed the extra hour of sleep.

I'm tired, cranky, crabby, bloated, and defensive for no reason. I'm just thankful this isn't a 'lighting quick temper' month or a 'burst into tears over my pen falling off the desk' month.

Part of me is disappointed because I was going to move on to week 2 of c25k this morning. But Running-Me can suck it... er, um, I mean... 'But alas, it will have to wait until next workout'.

...It's just one of those days.

Back in the Game!

Alarm goes off.
I turn it off.
I contemplate going back to sleep.
Wait, I am experiencing déjà vu.
This happened yesterday morning, & I remember how mad and upset I was at myself.
Not again.
Not today.

Success! Up and out the door at 630am to get my wog on! I feel great!
Most of all, I'm excited about my next workout. I finally feel ready to move on to week 2 of c25k. Watch this space...

No Rest For the Wicked

Another week 1 of c25k this morning. It was much easier this time. I think it's because I KNOW I can do it (although you never know... maybe getting fitter might have something to do with it too)

I couldn't help noticing the number of dog owners/walkers and a lot less runners/walkers. I guess cause it's a Saturday. They're all giving themselves a little sleep in. Meanwhile I did the crime so I must do the time!

Yet another reason to stay away from fast food: If I stay away I will let myself sleep in!



PS. I found myself coughing a lot. At first I thought I was having a strange bout of allergies. Then I realized more likely it's my lungs cleaning themselves of gunk. Now that I've quit smoking (today is day 11) they're finally able to cleanse and heal. Both good and gross. But I'm pretty sure exercise is supposed to speed up that whole process too, so it's a good thing all round!

Run With It!

All these thoughts running through my head about running (no pun intended) Where to start?!

First off, I am in an excellent mood! Gotta love that endorphin rush post-workout! Like Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Secondly, my big news! This morning I finally actually ran every single interval to completion for week 1 of the c25k program!! YAY ME! I have been pseudo doing c25k for a while now. I told myself I do not need to complete the program in nine weeks, I can - and should - take my time; and only move up to the next level when I can confidently say that I can complete the level I'm on and still be standing at the end of it.



I say 'pseudo doing c25k' because I have been on week 1 on and off ever since I started which was back on January 1st as a New Years Resolution! (OK, so I did give myself a bit of a deadline: Even though I instructed myself to take my time, I was pretty sure it was feasible to finish by the program by Dec 31 2009!)

Besides starting then stopping then having to start all over again and again (and again), I think it took me so long to get the hang of it because I was running wrong! Which would totally make sense why i couldn't do it before even though it is a program designed for beginners! I think there were two main things I was doing wrong: 1.) going too fast, and 2.) Too much bounce.

I thought about this last night as I was really lamenting my missing workout yesterday. Why do I have so much trouble running? After a little googling and a little 'tortoise and the hare' inspiration, I came up with those two major issues. I was excited for this morning because I was eager to test them out. And sure enough, jogging and staying low to the ground equals completing all intervals successfully!

I won't lie, towards the end of some of the intervals I wanted to die. But I just kept telling myself "JUST KEEP JOGGING". Even if I can WALK faster than I'm jogging (!!!) it doesn't matter. "JUST KEEP JOGGING". I kept wanting to walk an interval, but I kept telling myself 'just one more... just one more...'. Finally, I gave in and actually had made the decision that I am walking the next 'running interval'. But then the little voiceover came on and said it was my second last interval. Oh hell no! There was no way I could walk it now! And throw the towel in? Not be able to say I officially completed it? The end was in sight! I KNEW I could do it! And voila... looks like I did!

The other source of my surge of determination to do this was because I was starting to really question the whole 'you should still be able to have a conversation while working out' thing. You know, how to know if your heart rate is in optimum 'fat burning' mode. But after my little googling session on running, I was presented with a new theory. Our bodies are designed to run.

When it comes down to it our bodies have not evolved that much since the caveman era (that topic is definitely for another post! I could go on and on!). I read somewhere that if you want to lose weight, burn fat, get lean, etc. then run, don't walk. A running body is a lean body. The body is forced to shed unwanted layers of fat. Because it's more "aerodynamic" (hmm, I think I just fell in love with a new word! Say it with me now: "aerodynamic". Lovely) I know this is a very simple concept, but phrasing it in this way has really clicked for me for some reason. 'Running makes you lean'. When really, that is so obvious: have you ever seen a fat runner?

So new new concept is JUST RUN. Screw the 'you should still be able to have a conversation' concept. Run for your life! Be out of breath! Push it hard then push it harder! Suck air in through your eyeballs if you could cause you need it so badly! As Jillian Michaels would say "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

PS. it's so nice to start the day with 'negative' calories. yay for running before breakfast!

SIDENOTE: just a little observation - I no longer need to frantically check the time during my commute. I will get there when I get there. No more 'will there be time for a cigarette before work?' wondering anymore!!!! Talk about liberating. How do smokers not realize they are walking around in their own mini-prison? Attached permanently to a ball and chain of their own making? Ahh... the joys of...

DAY 7 OF BEING SMOKEFREE!!!