See You Next Year!

Time's up folks! By the time this post hits its pre-scheduled posting time, I will already be on a plane somewhere between New York City and Hawaii. Woohoo!!!

This is much more of a relaxation holiday; No itinerary necessary. The only thing on the agenda is walking (maybe some wogging), tanning, and relaxing. Rinse, repeat :)

I will be back in 2010 refreshed, rejuvenated, tanned, & hopefully a few pounds lighter too!

In the meantime I have scheduled some posts for your reading pleasure while I'm away (Remember that housekeeping I was talking about?).

I wish you all a happy holidays and a fantastic New Year! (got your New Year's resolutions figured out yet?) I want to say that I feel so incredibly humble & extremely lucky that you all choose to share my flawed, dramatic journey with me and cheer me on when I need it, congratulate me when I deserve it, and slap my hand or poke me when appropriate. I can never thank you enough. You guys & this blog keep me going and keep me (or get me back) on track!

Have a safe, healthy, gorgeous, & ridiculously successful New Years!

Cruise Control

Just checking in.... I believe I'm up to Day 29 of my mini-goal now...

Everything is cruising right now. It's not great, but it's far from bad either. But for the first time in a long time, I feel as though there's nothing to push. Everything in life right now, particularly weight loss, is going to take time and it will happen when it happens. Sure, I can push, I can fight harder, but ultimately it's not going to gain that much more ground considering how much extra effort and stress and pressure goes into it.

So here I am, feeling like I'm in cruise control. Cruising because I can't floor it, but there's no need to break. Everything is smooth sailing... quite uneventful. But at the same time I am feeling totally in control. Which, yes, THAT!... that is not just good, it's great!

Hm. Maybe that's where the calm comes from. The control. Maybe the driven pushing & fighting for it is sometimes propelled by fear of slipping and losing control rather than from a place of sheer want and determination.

So yep. Cruise control. No midnight snacking. Diet is in order. Steps are at 7000-11000 daily. Guzzling water. I'm broken right now so if anything I'm not particularly hungry and I'm feeling a little bloated. But other than that.... Everything is... well, fine :)

Day 12

Sweet Success... woke up and - get this! - I was actually EXCITED to make another day filled with good decisions! How awesome is that?! I woke up, got excited about having another perfect or near-perfect day, smiled, and thought 4.2. That's literally what went through my mind. I'm so thrilled that a switch somewhere in my head has been flipped. Now to nurture and take care of it! (Oh, and I did 10,039 steps today. Yay!)

Slowly Striving... had 2 beers tonight. I caught up with CSB because we both had to go to the Apple Store (I needed an extra sensor for my Nike+ shoes so I don't have to keep swapping the 1 sensor between the 2 pairs of shoes) plus I got to meet his friends and roomies. Great bunch of guys! Had so much fun that before I knew it I was ordering a second beer (and the first beer told me that it was OK to drink it anyway).

Thoughts... I am not AS disappointed about the beers as I would usually be because I had a great day despite those extra +/- 300 calories. Besides which, I hit a lot of steps today and fully intend on doing a little extra moving tomorrow to compensate for the extra calories. I did the crime, so I gotta do the time! And overall, nothing is bringing me down after waking up in such an amazing mood. I don't remember the last time I woke up excited about weight loss. And actually looking forward to the great feeling you get with each and every healthy decision you make. It's like that feeling is a drug, and overnight I had become an addict. I had to have more! Truthfully, some mornings I'd rather sleep cause I'm not consuming calories OR having to make decisions while I sleep! But not today, today I woke up ready to take on the world! There's no better feeling :)

Day 11

Sweet Success... A 100% diet day! WOOHOO!! Every food crossed off and accounted for! I feel great!

Slowly Striving... 6,491 steps. Not bad (in fact, quite good!) but I can do better!

Thoughts... "FEAR = Forced Experiences Appearing Real" <--- This is so true! I will not be afraid anymore. And I think "4.2" is really helping! Becaus the only way I will succeed at losing 4.2lbs in one week is to stay completely focused and continue making healthy choices. One slip this week may be just one slip too many!

Day 10

Sweet Success... Took some time after getting home for my JC appointment to sort out my food plan for the week. I've made it a no brainer. All I have to do is CROSS IT OFF. No adding & no substituting this week. Just crossing things off. No more. No less.

Slowly Striving... This should I deserve to make this today's success, but I believe I can push harder. I lost 0.8lbs this week. It's not much but I will take it.

Thoughts... But even though I'm taking the 0.8 and running with it, I'm not impressed. In order to stay on track with my 20lb goal, I need to lose 4.2 this week. Wow. It's a push, I won't lie. It will definitely be a challenge. But I KNOW I am capable of it. So the real question is: How much do I want it?




Above is my own copy of my JC graph for my mini-goal. The line is roughly where my weight loss should be in order to hit 20lbs in 8 weeks. That little pink bar? That would be my (measely) 0.8lbs. Yeah. Got my work cut out for me now! It's my very own Yellow Line and I'm determined to stay below it!

Day 9

Sweet Success... I discovered I'm flexible enough to do a standing split again! Flexibility has been something I have been slowly but surely plugging away at. I didn't think I was even close to achieving a standing split until I decided to randomly try to tonight. And it wasn't even a real struggle either! (which makes me wonder how long have I probably been able to do this but hadn't tried to? lol) Next Challenge: get my raised leg higher and more vertical. Also to work on getting the other leg into a standing split otherwise I'll end up all wonky and lop-sided with my strength & flexibility!

Slowly Striving... a slice a pizza tonight. It fit into my calories but not into my food groups. FAIL. I haven't learned how to make healthy choices when I'm with my new friends. And I think the only healthy option there is when all my friends want pizza is to just bring my own healthy food with me! (& just buy a water or a Diet Coke so I don't feel like I'm not a customer!)

Thoughts... I'm stronger and more capable than I think. I've noticed my new bestie, CSB, will roll his eyes at me (in a loving way of course!) and shake his head when I'm shocked I got a good score, or a little too happy that I was able to do something (like give a 60 minute masage. It's harder than you think!) He says in a tone like it's a fact the world knows when he asks me why am I surprised*. So apparently it's obvious to someone that I have only known for a little over 2 months now that I possess the mental & physical strength to achieve so much more than I think I'm capable of. So why can't I see it? It's definitely something to work on. And I wouldn't be surprised if it's a mild case of what they always talk about on The Biggest Loser: you are always raising the bar on what you think you can and cannot do. The fact is that you can do anything. ANYTHING. All you have to do is try.

*CSB always tells me whether it be about school or not that 'it's written in the stars'. As cheesy as it is, I like it. Especially regarding this journey (which I have yet to fully share with him. Not sure if/when I will) I should deserve to believe that it's written in the stars that I will succeed in this journey as well.

Day 8

Sweet Success... Thanks to the Final Exam last night, I got to take the day off from studying. So between work & class I walked. It was just round the neighborhood & I tried to keep a good pace despite the New York foot traffic; I don't know if it helped but I guess it helped my pedometer: 8,853 steps. I'm kinda loving how my number of steps are so much higher than I would have guessed they were!

Slowly Striving... Left home without packing any food. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". Bugger. I did what I could and had all my water, but I'm pretty sure calories and food groups were all wonky.

Thoughts... Open the curtains in the morning! I was in a much better mood today and while I think this has a lot to do with the Final Exam being over, I think it had something to do with letting a little sunlight filter in while I was getting ready for work. Usually I'm up & out and I don't bother opening the curtains (hey, it's still sort of dark out anyway!), and my logic is 'what's the point in opening them because I'm only home for another 30-45 minutes before running out the door & by the time I get home it will be dark, so the first thing I'll do when I get home is to close them'. Turns out, that 45 minutes or so is important! I think it really helped put some sunshine in my step today ;)

Day 7

Sweet Success... the first thing that jumps to mind is I scored 96% on my Anatomy & Physiology Final. I drank lots of water consistantly throughout the day too.

Slowly Striving... I didn't eat that much because I was so stressed out! When I was younger I had incredible test anxiety and apparently I didn't grow out of it, I just stopped taking tests! Hm, something to work on...

Thoughts... an interesting, although uneventful day. Interesting because obviously my priority for the day was my Final Exam; I am glad that my reaction to food was I didn't want it rather than to stuff my face with it, but it really isn't that much better of a choice. I also got in 7,286 steps; far from 10k, but definitely well over the 6000+ I am aiming for. I also feel frustrated with my work & class schedule; but there is nothing I can do about that! Just let it go, move on, and work WITH it. A whole 7 days gone, and maybe I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm not that impressed. Yes, I've got aggressive mentally, but I'm still waiting for the aches & pains of the 'getting aggressive physically' part to kick in.

Day 6

Sweet Success... 13,347 steps!

Slowly Striving... missing some fruit servings. I think I need to buy fruit juice again. It's better not to drink your calories & of course fruit is better cause you're getting some fiber, but juice is a better solution than nothing at all. Money & (lack of) time (to shop) are also two issues, but I am doing all that I can with those two right now. I'm trying to not let them get in my way too much and/or bring me down.

Thoughts... I was under the impression that you want to hit 10,000+ steps 3 times a week. Um, no: Apparently you should be hitting 10,000+ everyday! Yikes! I give myself a daily minimum of 5,000. But seeing as I consistant hit 6,000+ I think I should up it to 7,000+ a day. So if I increase it each week hopefully I should be hitting 10,000 steps daily by the end of November. Wow. OK, let's see what happens.... (cause I gotta say, a foot rub would go over sooo well right now, and that was only 1 day of 10,000+)

Get Aggressive

I'm posting a quote I've already posted because I need to be reminded:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

After my 4 beer disaster on the weekend, it's time to get aggressive. I used to say no to all social calories because I was *that* determined to succeed and you know what? It worked. I used to religiously cross everything off my food plan for the day and eat every single thing and you know what? It worked. It's time to get back to basics, get aggressive, and start wanting this more than anything else. Is that a reasonable attitude for the rest of this journey? I doubt it. But I think it's definitely doable for the next 7 weeks.

Social events come and go, life goes on. I am NOT missing out by saying no to alcohol or saying yes to healthy options only. I will admit, I've been known to say no to the social event altogether because I don't want to or I just don't have the strength to deal with a social situation, and for the next 7 weeks, I say that's OK too.

Something my JC consultant said really stuck (OK, a lot of things stick!) which was people who get angry or aggressive or frustrated usually make the most process. I agree. Because they are ready for change. They are ready to do what it takes. Even if this means making 'sacrifices'. I need to get 100% in that mindset again. I used to get there once upon a time. It felt great, empowering even. Now I want it back. I am going to fake it till I make it, but I will make it. I have to. I want this goal to work. It's been such a long time since I've made a good, solid mini-goal and I refuse to let this golden opportunity slip through my fingers.

Days 4 & 5

I was going to skip these days because I was just going to do daily postings when I can, but especially cause they weren't great, it's best that I remain accountable for them.

Day 4

Sweet Success... I drank all my water!!! This is an achievement for a Saturday! I am in class all day and I cannot be running in & out to go to the bathroom constantly (this is usually my issue when I don't drink all my water; it's that I didn't want to or couldn't be running to the bathroom all day long and disrupting the day's activities)

Slowly Striving... Not enough fruit & veg today. This is often an issue for me.

Thoughts... Got in 6,048 steps & drank all my water. It wasn't a great day but far from a disaster either.


Day 5

Sweet Success... Skipped dinner and dessert and had lots of water instead. I know this doesn't seem like a success but read on...

Slowly Striving... Had a non-date date today and told myself a maximum of 2 beers (300 calories. Already way too much) Um, 4 beers & 5 mozzarella sticks later (What's that- 4 beers x 150 calories + 5 mozzarella sticks x a trillion calories?)

Thoughts... CRAP! Well live and learn. Nobody said you can't drink and/or have a life when you're losing weight; but you need to be prepared for slower results. I have been fine with that for far too long. I didn't used to be. I need to get aggressive again. Especially for the next 8 weeks. I feel a blog coming on...

Frequent Flyer Loser Miles

I'm sharing from my New Bestie already! This list of mini-goal rewards is definitely a work in progress. I expect it to grow and change as I continue to shrink and change! But here's what I have so far...

note: Because I grew up in the metric system, kilograms have more meaning to me (they have more weight. haha.. sorry, I couldn't resist!) I like weighing in pounds because they are just numbers to me, they don't mean anything more than 3 digits used to measure my progress. So you'll notice as I get closer to goal the kg number has a meaning to me :)


254
lowest weight on this journey so far
Permission to sleep in and have a lazy morning. Skim latte (omg haven't had one in forever!!) and read a magazine from cover to cover.

249
closer to 200 than 300
mani/pedi time!

236
100lbs total lost
full body 90 minute massage. Mmm can't wait! It will be worth the splurge of $$$!

220
100kg and JC half-way point
Haven't quite decided for sure what this reward should be for what is quite a significant milestone. Except for the cost, I am thinking a bodybugg would be perfect!

199
under 200lbs. FOREVER!
Mama needs a brand new bag!

187
85kg & Re-evaluate
get the shoes to match the purse!
Even though I am partial to flats, I promise myself that these will be special party shoes (ie. heels) and not new Nikes.
***This is also my re-evaluate weight. Am I happy here with my size? Do I want to keep going? If so, how much more?

176
80kg. This is approximately the highest weight I was while I was still dancing.
Go out dancing till dawn! (Thinking Splash so that it just about the dancing and not about the boys (or at least, not about boys for me!))

165
75kg. WOW. This used to be my weight when I considered myself an average size.
Haven't quite decided on this reward either. So far am thinking a simple (but effective!) day of R&R and pampering: sleep in, hair done, mani/pedi massage, (window) shopping - whatever I feel like! But it must be work & study free!

155
70kg. GOAL!!!
NEW WARDROBE!
VEGAS VACATION!
BIKINI SHOPPING!
Margaritas with one of my girls
(there's a story here. She is my last JC consultant and we have become good friends. One week I had a weight gain and I mentioned I had margaritas. She understood the need to have a drink on occasion but insisted it NOT be margaritas! She said she would treat me to my next margarita & it will be at goal as a fun splurge. I'm really looking forward to it!)

Day 3

Sweet Success... Despite being busy and bloated and with cramps, I didn't cancel my JC appointment. It really is important to go every week, even when you don't want to! So I kept it. After all, one of the major reasons to go to a weight loss centre is the accountability! (I weighed in backwards though (ie. stepped on the scale backwards so I couldn't see the number) so that my consultant could still track it but without getting the emotional stress of getting upset about a number that doesn't reflect my efforts)


Slowly Striving... I didn't eat much today. Cramps always make me feel ill.


Thoughts... I was telling my consultant about how I am comfortable and yet unhappy and as I'm talking and we're discussing things I had a mini-breakthrough. Almost on a daily basis I allow myself exchanges. They are calorie equivalent but they are not always food group ratio equivalent. BINGO! A classic 'getting too comfortable' scenario! How did I not see that I was doing that??! It's so obvious!! I'm still in a little bit of shock from the weight of this discovery. I'm sure I'm not articulating very well at all. It's a combination of a) that I didn't even realize I was doing it, b)that some people can swap calories for calories but I am not one of those people; I have to watch the food groups as well, c)I knew that I had become comfortable but couldn't quite understand it &/or see it until now. It's upsetting and frustrating that I would cheat myself like this, and d) trying to comprehend how cutting out this behaviour will vastly affect my results no doubt! Well, I won't have to wait very long... just 7 days. A whole week of 100% for the next 7 days. Let's see what happens...

Day 2

Sweet Success... 8,124 steps today. I have been wearing my pedometer all week and I'm surprised by how much natural activity I get in every day.

Slowly Striving... Had a diet coke today. I know this isn't the worst thing in the world, but living without soda would be nice. I also need to plan my food better. I am going the majority of the afternoon without much food. I'm not hungry, but in an effort to be consistent I should deserve to find a way to fit more food in around 4pm.

Thoughts... Today felt kind of pedestrian; quite uneventful. Although in the world of weight loss I guess that's a good thing! No temptations or anything like that, just smooth sailing. I am keeping up with my water but am still so bloated and even have a pimple on my chin :( yep, that time of the month any day now... (I can't wait till I hit menopause!)

Day 1

Sweet Success... Could have hopped on the subway to go home at 8pm. But because 8pm is an early night for me, I decided to walk a few extra blocks first. Result? 9,656 steps today!

Slowly Striving... I will pay closer attention that I am eating every 4 hours. Also watch my water intake now that it's getting colder. Still have to keep it up to 2 liters or more!

Thoughts... Not too shabby at all I must say! Spent a great deal of the day mentally choosing and canning outfits for Hawaii. Premature? Yes. But did it keep me focused? You better believe it! Definitely a lot of room for improvement, but I am satisfied overall with today :)

80,640

OK, I'm going to try something crazy. It is exactly 8 weeks to the day that I will be getting on a plane to go to Hawaii. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 20lbs or 1 size. So!... Let's call this:

DAY 1.

Gulp. I can barely keep up with my blog as it is but somehow counting the days may actually help. I cannot promise I will blog everyday, but you can be sure I will be counting every one of those 56 days and making sure that I am doing all that I can to make the healthiest decisions for each and every one of those days.

I am going to keep up with my FFFF's and random ponderings but hopefully on top of that each night I can find just a few minutes to sum up each day: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Make myself accountable! Afterall, isn't that why I created this anonymous blog? (And yet I still fear it... Interesting...)

Here we go. Day 1. Wish me luck! I'll catch you on the flip side, hopefully filled with water, vegetables, and joy from a successful Day 1!

Try, Try Again

Wow. Things are so crazy. If I was just trying to exist I would be fine, but I am done with that portion of my life. I now want... no! I deserve...no! in fact I will settle for nothing less than... to try to excel at all that I do. (Overachieve much?) I used to think only my career was important. But now I know it's ALL important because it's ALL interdependent. Why? Because it's all connected by this crazy thing called MY LIFE.

So here I am, trying to lose weight & do better because I know I can. I KNOW I know how to pay more attention to my choices. I KNOW I know that it only takes just 10 minutes of activity 3 times a day to be satisfied that you did in fact exercise today. I am also trying to maintain my 3.97 GPA because quite frankly, I have never tried before. I believe I am one of the lucky few that always knew that "grades do not define me as a person" so I never focused on them nor let them get to me or become goals of mine. But I guess wanting the most for yourself in other areas of your life has a tendency to spill into different areas. And now I want to see just exactly what I can do! (I'll be honest, I knew I was smart, I just didn't know if I was 'smart on paper'... who knew?! Look what happens when you try).

And I'm not trying at work (cause honestly it's a paycheck job not a passion project like I am so used to) but work definitely is trying! Everything in my life is trying right now. Whether it be trying my patience or trying to make me a better (lighter!) person. But all I can do is keep trying.

When I set up this blog and wrote in the profile that "I am going to lose" it was because I firmly believe that I will. I was careful in my choice of words. But 'going to' begins with trying.

I am trying to focus solely on 20lbs/1-size-smaller for Christmas. No more bigger picture (for now). Time to micro-manage! Some people throw themselves into new diet and/or exercise plans to keep things fresh & rejuvenated. In my experience that only works as a quick fix for me and ultimately leaves me more frustrated than before. What usually works for me is a mini-goal. But I need to be focused. I need tunnel-vision. I need my blinkers on. That part I have been struggling with. Time to breathe & reboot & make this happen.

I know all the knowledge I need. And I have all the tools at my disposal. Now I just need to execute and follow through. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But tough titties cause it's time to s**t or get off the pot. Seriously!

The biggest thought on my mind today was how exhausted I am. Yes, it's the weather (rainy, darker, colder), and yes it's probably also PMS (I could double as a flotation device right now) but I think it's more than that. This is such a long journey. One that I will never give up on but it's so long and challenging and HARD all the same. I keep wondering why I've been bouncing around the same numbers on the scale for over a year, and I think the simple reason is I'm comfortable. I'm not longer squeezing into a size 25 jeans, I slip quite comfortably into a size 18, and on a good day, I'll squeeze into my size 16 Calvin Klein dark rinse slim bootcut jeans (oh how I love them!). I'm no longer hunting for clothes in the way I used to; yes, it's still difficult but nowhere NEAR how painful it used to be. I'm no longer the largest person I know and I can't remember the last time in my life I was able to say that (if I was ever able to say that before!) But as 'comfortable' as I MIGHT be, I am still unhappy. BINGO. There's the motivation factor.

It doesn't matter how comfortable I am, I'm still not happy so I must forge ahead. Head down, nose to the grindstone, keep pushing, keep trying, good God I am so determined to get there to my goal weight/size! But why must this journey get harder, not easier?

I want to welcome all my new followers and thank all you lovely people who posted comments. I have been so MIA but I have been noticing and I'm sending the love right back out there to you. But going MIA is something I do when times get tough. I go inward, I seek answers, a plan of action, a list of priorities, and it always comes from within. I have trouble asking for help, and I'm slowly working on that. But for right now and what I'm dealing with I don't think it has to do with asking for help. I think this is something I have to do for myself.

Because life happens. It's all interdependent. And I'M the one who has to make it work. It doesn't matter how much help I have, I am the one who has to make the choices and take the steps in the right direction. I am the one who has to make the healthy decisions. I am the one who has to do the work. No apologies about being busy, or at work, or studying, or needing to workout, or just being generally MIA; if that's what I need to do, then so be it (see? Selfishness! I'm learning!!) I guess in my very long-winded almost three in the morning post (yeah I know, getting back into a regular sleeping pattern is also one of those things I'm trying to do) all I am trying to say is I'm trying and praying that it is enough.

There is so much happening right now, and I feel like I'm struggling or sinking, but maybe I'm not. Maybe it's called trying. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am demanding a lot from myself & spreading myself a little thin right now so perhaps trying IS the best I can do. Possibly it's all I can give right now. But I know the more aware I become of it, the more I will try and fix it. And that's great too. Even if I slip. Because practice makes perfect. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Dead without Deadlines

I think it's time to start setting more mini-goals WITH dates attached.

I think I stopped when I was failing them more often than not and it was really starting to get me down.

But it's time to slap myself and snap out of it (did anyone else just picture Cher in Moonstruck?) Deadlines will push me to succeed. And if I fail the deadline it does not mean I failed myself!!! Quite the opposite! The only way I fail is without trying at all.

So! Another mini-goal: I am currently on week 2 of c25k. That means week 9 is the last week of October. So by October 31st I should be able to run 5k! No stopping, no walking, no cheating, just running!!!