No-one Said It Would Be Easy

I'm a little bit upset & teary right now but rather than just dive in I'm going to start this one from the top.

My NYC best friend (I have many best friends; sometimes classifying by region is easiest!) and we haven't really seen each other since the summer. He's had a (sort of) promotion, moved in with his partner, had to go home to KY to deal with family stuff, & probably had plenty more happening than I don't even know about. I've also been busy: school, a break (up), a get back together (sort of), work, and of course still trying to lose weight and exercise and take better care of myself. So between the two of us we've managed to only catch up once - once! - face to face since August.

It was pretty expected that I would be going to his place for Thanksgiving. But he still officially invited, and I still officially accepted. I guessed perhaps 2-3 more guests were also going.

But with the craziness of me desperately trying to get back on track and having some real emotional discoveries this week, I do not want to put myself in harm's way of temptation. There will be so much food and so much to drink and so much dessert... Why challenge myself unnecessarily?

Besides which I can be very much a loner, I very much value my alone time. As much as I am dying to see my friend, I prefer catching up with him one-on-one and not with a handful of other people listening to our every word. So I was thinking since I have an appointment Friday lunchtime, perhaps I could see him Friday night instead? Because Thursday will not only be alone time, I am hoping to make it a Nothing Day too. This is my time to do absolutely nothing and make no plans whatsoever. This includes no social plans; basically if I "have" to put on pants, then it's not a Nothing Day.

But I haven't had a Nothing Day since Vegas in August and I can feel how exhausted I am, how ready I am for Thanksgiving and a much needed break. So I decided (on Thursday I think?Perhaps it was Friday) that I wouldn't go to my friend's Thanksgiving dinner. Out of the whole Thanksgiving weekend I STILL have something happening on every single day. I need to make even just ONE of those 4 days a friggin' Nothing Day dammit! So I picked Thursday. Being I don't want to keep waiting for it. Plus cause I don't want to be faced with extra calories & alcohol. I'm strong enough to admit I'm not strong enough to face that yet.

So my friend gets back to me tonight. And he surprised me because he's actually kind of upset, and in a way, also offended (that I would consider dinner and drinks an obligation of sorts. Unfortunate, but true!). I explained that I really need the day off (to which I can hear him silently scoffing) and when that wasn't doing it I had to reach deep down for a whopper truth and admit that while I'm far from exploding like a hippo I am NOT doing well with my diet and exercise and I have to do what's best for me and not put that temptation in front of me.

And you know what? He STILL made me feel guilty. He even admitted it. Now I feel compelled to go there after dinner to at least say hi and hang out (so at least the food is gone and I can usually resist alcohol if I'm not eating), which of course is really not a good compromise at all because I can tell both of us were still upset by this conclusion.

I'm mostly upset right now because here I was making a good decision for myself and he made me feel guilty about it. How dare he! (On top of that, don't throw the 'thanksgiving is a time to spend with those you love' line cause I'm not American and he knows it!) And as for silently scoffing at the fact that I'm exhausted and I need the day off, yes I have no doubt he feels the same way. Well, GOOD FOR HIM that he still has the energy to entertain! Because you know what? I sure don't! But whatever, more power to him.

Yes, I realize I could have let him know sooner. However, I'm no cook but I think telling someone a week prior you won't make dinner is adequate enough notice. I think him being upset is more about him. He wants to see me (I don't blame him! It's been far too long and I want to see him too! But I NEED to look after me first!), and also it's his first Thanksgiving with his partner in their apartment which he just moved into; I am sure he was also just looking forward to playing House. Maybe this is TOO selfish, but I still say I cannot concern myself with that!

I cannot go to a dinner party knowing food will be in excess & the alcohol never-ending (they're both Italian too) when I am in a such a fragile state both physically (today was the first 100% food day though!) and emotionally (I deserve to stay in control of my choices dammit!). I cannot sacrifice my better judgment, my caution, and perhaps run the risk of also sacrificing my diet just to make my friend feel better. I'm not going to do that; I won't!

I think at this point we both just need to calm down (Oh, and I have no doubt after getting a little tearful earlier that my period must be on its way because there have been waaaaay too many tears in the last 5 days or so!) and accept that there is no happy conclusion here. He's only going to be happy if I go, I'm only going to be happy if I stay home. I do think the best solution is to show up later, after dinner, even if it's just to make an appearance and chat for a little while.

Well, that's if I decide I want to put my pants on that day.

Run With It!

All these thoughts running through my head about running (no pun intended) Where to start?!

First off, I am in an excellent mood! Gotta love that endorphin rush post-workout! Like Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Secondly, my big news! This morning I finally actually ran every single interval to completion for week 1 of the c25k program!! YAY ME! I have been pseudo doing c25k for a while now. I told myself I do not need to complete the program in nine weeks, I can - and should - take my time; and only move up to the next level when I can confidently say that I can complete the level I'm on and still be standing at the end of it.



I say 'pseudo doing c25k' because I have been on week 1 on and off ever since I started which was back on January 1st as a New Years Resolution! (OK, so I did give myself a bit of a deadline: Even though I instructed myself to take my time, I was pretty sure it was feasible to finish by the program by Dec 31 2009!)

Besides starting then stopping then having to start all over again and again (and again), I think it took me so long to get the hang of it because I was running wrong! Which would totally make sense why i couldn't do it before even though it is a program designed for beginners! I think there were two main things I was doing wrong: 1.) going too fast, and 2.) Too much bounce.

I thought about this last night as I was really lamenting my missing workout yesterday. Why do I have so much trouble running? After a little googling and a little 'tortoise and the hare' inspiration, I came up with those two major issues. I was excited for this morning because I was eager to test them out. And sure enough, jogging and staying low to the ground equals completing all intervals successfully!

I won't lie, towards the end of some of the intervals I wanted to die. But I just kept telling myself "JUST KEEP JOGGING". Even if I can WALK faster than I'm jogging (!!!) it doesn't matter. "JUST KEEP JOGGING". I kept wanting to walk an interval, but I kept telling myself 'just one more... just one more...'. Finally, I gave in and actually had made the decision that I am walking the next 'running interval'. But then the little voiceover came on and said it was my second last interval. Oh hell no! There was no way I could walk it now! And throw the towel in? Not be able to say I officially completed it? The end was in sight! I KNEW I could do it! And voila... looks like I did!

The other source of my surge of determination to do this was because I was starting to really question the whole 'you should still be able to have a conversation while working out' thing. You know, how to know if your heart rate is in optimum 'fat burning' mode. But after my little googling session on running, I was presented with a new theory. Our bodies are designed to run.

When it comes down to it our bodies have not evolved that much since the caveman era (that topic is definitely for another post! I could go on and on!). I read somewhere that if you want to lose weight, burn fat, get lean, etc. then run, don't walk. A running body is a lean body. The body is forced to shed unwanted layers of fat. Because it's more "aerodynamic" (hmm, I think I just fell in love with a new word! Say it with me now: "aerodynamic". Lovely) I know this is a very simple concept, but phrasing it in this way has really clicked for me for some reason. 'Running makes you lean'. When really, that is so obvious: have you ever seen a fat runner?

So new new concept is JUST RUN. Screw the 'you should still be able to have a conversation' concept. Run for your life! Be out of breath! Push it hard then push it harder! Suck air in through your eyeballs if you could cause you need it so badly! As Jillian Michaels would say "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

PS. it's so nice to start the day with 'negative' calories. yay for running before breakfast!

SIDENOTE: just a little observation - I no longer need to frantically check the time during my commute. I will get there when I get there. No more 'will there be time for a cigarette before work?' wondering anymore!!!! Talk about liberating. How do smokers not realize they are walking around in their own mini-prison? Attached permanently to a ball and chain of their own making? Ahh... the joys of...

DAY 7 OF BEING SMOKEFREE!!!