Pride

I remember the mantra I used when I started on this journey: 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.' and wow did it work!

But as you progress along your journey, you change much more than you realize. You need to constantly reassess and check-in with yourself. Are you motivated by the same reasons? Do you want the same things? Quite often the things that used to give you trouble and challenge you no longer do, and you are faced with a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.

It's been a while since I've found a good mantra or some sort of succinct saying that will inspire me or help me in a time of need or both. Or maybe I got too over-confident and thought I didn't need one. It's hard to know you need to get back to basics when you KNOW the basics; it's difficult to really feel them for the first time again.

I like the idea of every day being filled with choices and every choice is an opportunity to take a step closer to your goal. Just like when I quit smoking and you're supposed to break it down as much as possible. 'One day at a time' is common however sometimes that's even too much, and you need to take it one moment at a time. Every moment when you choose not to smoke is another step closer to your goal. I realized I should see what happens if I apply the same strategy to my weight loss.

Flipping back through my journal, I noticed a pattern. I love giving myself kudos for good decisions. Sure, I write down the bad and reprimand myself also, but the ones that pop are my successes. It occured to me: I'm proud of those decisions. So on Monday in big bold letters I wrote across the top of the page of my journal:

BE PROUD OF YOUR CHOICES.

I didn't limit myself. I told myself that if I must eat chocolate, go for it, but be proud of it. Honestly? Eating chocolate at this point wouldn't make me proud so I didn't. On Monday I had a great day because I was mindful of every choice. I won't lie, I had cravings or little evil thoughts about how great a soda would be or what if I grabbed that cookie with my coffee but I wouldn't be proud of it so I found myself quite calmly deciding no. I didn't pout or feel deprived (like I sometimes do!) Quite simply by keeping in mind every decision counts, making the unhealthy choice just didn't seem worth it.

When I look at the bigger picture and maybe I have a 14-hour day planned and meetings and homework and social obligations.... OF COURSE a cookie seems like a good idea! A little comfort, a little incentive to get through the day (don't laugh, I'm sure I have used something to this extent to validate an unhealthy choice all the time).

But when you just look at the moment: to cookie or not to cookie? That is the question. Will it make me happy? Will I regret it after? Will I be proud of that decision? Um, no. The answers to those questions are no, yes, no. Suddenly, making the healthier decision is actually quite easy. So I decided to use it again on Tuesday. And again, it worked wonders. And I plan on using it again today.

So I think I finally found a mantra that works for me again. And it feels great.

Dare I say, I'm quite proud of myself for having found it ;)

No-one Said It Would Be Easy

I'm a little bit upset & teary right now but rather than just dive in I'm going to start this one from the top.

My NYC best friend (I have many best friends; sometimes classifying by region is easiest!) and we haven't really seen each other since the summer. He's had a (sort of) promotion, moved in with his partner, had to go home to KY to deal with family stuff, & probably had plenty more happening than I don't even know about. I've also been busy: school, a break (up), a get back together (sort of), work, and of course still trying to lose weight and exercise and take better care of myself. So between the two of us we've managed to only catch up once - once! - face to face since August.

It was pretty expected that I would be going to his place for Thanksgiving. But he still officially invited, and I still officially accepted. I guessed perhaps 2-3 more guests were also going.

But with the craziness of me desperately trying to get back on track and having some real emotional discoveries this week, I do not want to put myself in harm's way of temptation. There will be so much food and so much to drink and so much dessert... Why challenge myself unnecessarily?

Besides which I can be very much a loner, I very much value my alone time. As much as I am dying to see my friend, I prefer catching up with him one-on-one and not with a handful of other people listening to our every word. So I was thinking since I have an appointment Friday lunchtime, perhaps I could see him Friday night instead? Because Thursday will not only be alone time, I am hoping to make it a Nothing Day too. This is my time to do absolutely nothing and make no plans whatsoever. This includes no social plans; basically if I "have" to put on pants, then it's not a Nothing Day.

But I haven't had a Nothing Day since Vegas in August and I can feel how exhausted I am, how ready I am for Thanksgiving and a much needed break. So I decided (on Thursday I think?Perhaps it was Friday) that I wouldn't go to my friend's Thanksgiving dinner. Out of the whole Thanksgiving weekend I STILL have something happening on every single day. I need to make even just ONE of those 4 days a friggin' Nothing Day dammit! So I picked Thursday. Being I don't want to keep waiting for it. Plus cause I don't want to be faced with extra calories & alcohol. I'm strong enough to admit I'm not strong enough to face that yet.

So my friend gets back to me tonight. And he surprised me because he's actually kind of upset, and in a way, also offended (that I would consider dinner and drinks an obligation of sorts. Unfortunate, but true!). I explained that I really need the day off (to which I can hear him silently scoffing) and when that wasn't doing it I had to reach deep down for a whopper truth and admit that while I'm far from exploding like a hippo I am NOT doing well with my diet and exercise and I have to do what's best for me and not put that temptation in front of me.

And you know what? He STILL made me feel guilty. He even admitted it. Now I feel compelled to go there after dinner to at least say hi and hang out (so at least the food is gone and I can usually resist alcohol if I'm not eating), which of course is really not a good compromise at all because I can tell both of us were still upset by this conclusion.

I'm mostly upset right now because here I was making a good decision for myself and he made me feel guilty about it. How dare he! (On top of that, don't throw the 'thanksgiving is a time to spend with those you love' line cause I'm not American and he knows it!) And as for silently scoffing at the fact that I'm exhausted and I need the day off, yes I have no doubt he feels the same way. Well, GOOD FOR HIM that he still has the energy to entertain! Because you know what? I sure don't! But whatever, more power to him.

Yes, I realize I could have let him know sooner. However, I'm no cook but I think telling someone a week prior you won't make dinner is adequate enough notice. I think him being upset is more about him. He wants to see me (I don't blame him! It's been far too long and I want to see him too! But I NEED to look after me first!), and also it's his first Thanksgiving with his partner in their apartment which he just moved into; I am sure he was also just looking forward to playing House. Maybe this is TOO selfish, but I still say I cannot concern myself with that!

I cannot go to a dinner party knowing food will be in excess & the alcohol never-ending (they're both Italian too) when I am in a such a fragile state both physically (today was the first 100% food day though!) and emotionally (I deserve to stay in control of my choices dammit!). I cannot sacrifice my better judgment, my caution, and perhaps run the risk of also sacrificing my diet just to make my friend feel better. I'm not going to do that; I won't!

I think at this point we both just need to calm down (Oh, and I have no doubt after getting a little tearful earlier that my period must be on its way because there have been waaaaay too many tears in the last 5 days or so!) and accept that there is no happy conclusion here. He's only going to be happy if I go, I'm only going to be happy if I stay home. I do think the best solution is to show up later, after dinner, even if it's just to make an appearance and chat for a little while.

Well, that's if I decide I want to put my pants on that day.

Day 11

Sweet Success... A 100% diet day! WOOHOO!! Every food crossed off and accounted for! I feel great!

Slowly Striving... 6,491 steps. Not bad (in fact, quite good!) but I can do better!

Thoughts... "FEAR = Forced Experiences Appearing Real" <--- This is so true! I will not be afraid anymore. And I think "4.2" is really helping! Becaus the only way I will succeed at losing 4.2lbs in one week is to stay completely focused and continue making healthy choices. One slip this week may be just one slip too many!

Does this mean I get a detention?

I have a very long day today, or at least longer than I'm used to: 9am-10pm. So when my alarm went off at 5:55am for my morning workout, I reset it and opted for an extra hour of sleep. Was that bad?

I am only supposed to run on alternate days with the c25k program and I know I was planning on a cardio session, so that's not a bad thing. But I really should have got in some resistance and strength work, which I am terrible at keeping up with. Hmm.

Meanwhile sleeping in on a work day felt very strange indeed. Skipping my workout felt like I was doing something 'naughty'... like ditching class or eating the last cookie. So I definitely feel more rested, but a little strange nonetheless. Almost like I should feel grateful for not getting caught. Or perhaps I didn't get away with it... we shall see.

So perhaps I need to find another solution. This is the first of many 13hour days ahead for me as I attempt something I've never done before: go to school full time AND work full time. And I plan on still eating right, getting enough exercise in, AND still trying to get enough sleep (that one might actually be the toughest come to think of it)

Looks like I have some scheduling and planning to do...

SIDENOTE: Woke up again last night in the middle of the night and found myself at the refrigerator. At first I thought it was not eating enough during the day but I am eating all the food on my plan, so perhaps it's a bad habit I need to break afterall...?

PS. Although if my food plan is 1700 calories and I'm burning about 400 in a workout doesn't that mean I'm only consuming around 1300 calories? Is that a good deficit or is 1700 already a deficit? Definitely a good question for my JC consultant on Thursday.

The Subway Just Got a Little Sweeter

... or unsweetened as the case may be.

I saw a story on NY1 this morning and I have to admit, I am in full support of this!

Not only does it make for more interesting reading on the subway for me (like the poster with a list of calories in certain beverages; I just know I am going to end up memorizing that list during my daily commute), but because it's totally true! New Yorkers, generally speaking, do not have the healthiest diet.

In fact, just the other day I was chatting with a girlfriend who commented how it would be easier to lose weight in New York because you have to walk everywhere (hell, with all the stairs in this city it's like New York has a built-in StairMaster). While this is also a case of 'grass is greener' (I would totally love to live in FL where she is and be surrounded by warm weather and beach bodies constantly!) I've also noticed how unhealthy the food choices are in New York.

We eat on the run, we buy a slice for 99c, and don't even get me started on the inexpensiveness and convenience of street meat vendors (I have never eaten street meat nor do I intend to, but damn their stuff smells good sometimes!).

I liken this to chain restaurants and bigger food companies that are now required to list calories next to their menu items. Horrifying? Sometimes. But helpful? You better believe it!

Now when I do go out to eat the numbers I'm scanning are calories, not prices. And I'm loving it.

Start Immediately. No Exceptions.

Why didn't I work out this morning??? Grr!! I am so mad at myself right now!!!

Although I did have a much needed sleep in. I haven't been getting much sleep these days. I'm not too sure what that's about.

Truth be told, I am feeling fat and sloth-like. I need to run! (damn sunburn) I also need to go back to Jenny Craig. This past month has been a refreshing break from it, but now I am ready to get back to the no-brainer diet.

Here's something interesting: when I follow Jenny Craig exactly, I lose weight. Sometimes a lot. If I fudge it, or skip it, or substitute it, etc, the results aren't as great, if there are even results at all! So why do I cheat? I'm not just cheating my diet, I'm cheating me. Am I weak? Am I scared? Why do something so stupid? Definitely all good questions and I don't have a solid answer for it yet. In the meantime, I am determined to follow the program down to the last lettuce leaf if it will in some way get me off this damn plateau!

Part of me wants to say tomorrow is a brand new day. A fresh start. Luckily I read something in my horoscope that I feel can be applied directly here. In fact, it was a quote:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

Well, I think Will is right. Why start tomorrow when I can start immediately? Unfortuantely I am at work until 11pm (Grr! Only adding to my frsutration!) So no brisk walk at dusk, but what I can do is drink this 1.5L bottle of water I have here and eat the yummy salad I just ordered for dinner, bypass the bar on the way home from work, get lots of Zzzz's, and get that walk in first thing tomorrow.

No excuses!

PS. One of the best things about Vegas is the extra incentive and motivation: when I go there next summer, I want to be wearing a bikini! No exceptions.

Back To It!

I'm not feeling quite ready to post, but I think that's even MORE of a reason I should!

Why Am I not ready to post? Because I'm not quite back into my healthy routine. But maybe blogging comes first, not last. Maybe this will help refocus me, get my butt to the grocery store and my hands back on those weights.

I had a lovely time in Las Vegas. I absolutely love it there and find myself searching the Vegas job ads and the real estate market each time I return home. I love New York but it's like I'm having a sordid love affair with Sin City on the side. It's OK though... the Big Apple knows about it and we're cool.

But now I'm back and that means now it's back to it! Up off your big butt, put down that mimosa and WORK IT!

Unfortunately what happens in Vegas doesn't quite stay in Vegas... I got sunburnt on my back quite badly and it's making working out - specifically interval running (my favourite!!!) - really difficult. I hear myself say that, I catch myself thinking it, and it sounds like it's just Fat Me talking so Real Me steps in: 'pfft! What a load of crap! You're making excuses! Get out there and run that a$$ off!'

Then I try put on my crossback sports bra (with or without the weight problem, my girls need the support! Especially while running!) and I yelp in pain! My back doesn't even want clothes on it let alone a regular bra, and most certainly not my sports bra! Humph. Fooey! I'm a little lost for alternatives right now, which isn't helping to get me uber back on track and back into the game.

On the bright side? My eating was pretty good while I was away. I didn't splurge or go nuts and watched my portions (could have used more veggie servings though) and despite my drinking and being surrounded by cigarette smoke at the casinos, at the pool, well basically everywhere(!), I did not feel the need to smoke. It didn't gross me out, it didn't give me cravings or make my mouth water. I was just indifferent; a little put off by the smoke (like most non-smokers are - woohoo! Does that make me closer to being one of them??) but other than that - nothing. It's both great and slightly eerie how easy this quit has been... it's really like my body AND my mind were both 100% ready to quit at the exact same time.

Down side? I drank. A lot. (you didn't think I was going to acknowledge that I just said that above, did ya?) Well there's all my extra calories right there! (and then some, probably!) And maybe it would have been ok if it was the occasional light beer or a smart glass of wine with dinner. But oh no! This is me in Vegas!! Come on now! Give me some credit. And hey, I was on vacation, right? For my birthday. Hmm...

(Had a quiet little birthday dinner with a few close friends when I got back. Again, watched the portions and only had 1 slice of cake, not 3)

But I gotta say, I love anywhere where I can order a long island iced tea before noon without judgement. (just please take my phone away from me. Drunk texting and/or dailing is never a pretty thing)

A Quickie For Friday

I seem to be wavering at the moment. Or at least it feels like it now that I have gone back to exercise only every second day (my muscles are telling me that they need a little rest, or is that a sign that I should push them harder?)

This is just a little note to say today I vow to only put things in my mouth of nutritional value. I will gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and I will drink all my water. I will make sure that by the end of today my pedometer reads at least 8000.

Hanging in there. I think those rehearsals through me off a bit. I didn't so much binge as just eat at all the wrong times. But now I am back to my normal schedule, which is comforting. Comforting and a relief, and a little bit scary too.

Cause it means the only thing standing in my way is ME.

Healthy Decisions are like Rabbits

Once you get two of them, they multiply like crazy!! Haha!

Seriously though, one healthy decision leads to another. I have a looming 27th birthday coming up in less than two weeks and I'm just planning on going out to dinner with friends. Without even thinking, it was just assumed by all - including myself - that we would be having steak. Everyone knows I'm a steak and mash girl!

But with all this added commitment to exercise, and making effort to eat healthy and organic whenever possible, while I'm all about a splurge once in a while, this one just doesn't seem worth it.

Which is surprising cause you would think that a birthday of all things is the perfect excuse to say "It's my birthday and I'll pig out if I want to!"

But nope. Sorry, no, not interested. It will just make me feel fat, guilty, bloated, full, and regretful. And on my birthday no less. Who needs those sorts of feelings? Not me!

So I'm thinking Dim Sum (all steamed of course) or Sushi, or maybe go all class and just hit the Olive Garden in Times Square and go nuts on Soup, Salad, and Breeadsticks.

'Cause that's just the kind of classy girl I am :D