After 16 months, the guy I was seeing called it off. His comments over the past month or so, and definitely in the last week were leading in the direction of wanting a fresh start, and I thought that he was telling me this because he wanted me to be part of this 'new chapter' of his life. Alas, it was the other way around. He was just having trouble saying the part about wanting me NOT to be a part of it. On Thursday I was a mess; I suspected what he was trying to say, but he was still being vague. I couldn't focus, I was shaking with a mixture of mental & emotional exhaustion and nervous energy. I got home and balled my eyes out, I needed the release. And I will admit, I haven't slept so well in a very long time.
Early this morning (Friday) he contacted me again and I forced him to give me a yes or a no: Does he want me in his life? When he answered with "I don't want anyone in my life right now" (pfft! Still not an answer!) it may not have been a yes or a no, but it clarified where I stood with him. But very surprisingly, my initial feeling was relief.
Here I was ready to fight for this guy, talk through all this and work it out but the second I heard him 'fess up and start being really clear, I knew he was right. Things had run their course. And you know what? For once I don't regret a single thing. He taught me a lot & he will always be special to me.
They say "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I have never believed that more than I do right now.
I wish him all the best, and for the first time ever, I really DO hope we can be friends at some point in the future. For the first time ever I do not want him to be 'Dead To Me'.
As for me and how I'm coping? Like I said, surprisingly relief is the majority of what I'm feeling. Also disappointment and missing him a little already but mostly I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Which is definitely a good thing. To me it means that it is mutual. And an even better thing: There is no ice cream in sight. Instead, the opposite. I feel like I can now focus entirely on me and my weight loss.
I am so happy that my reaction to this is to use the time I used to spend with him or think about him, I will now be using to focus on and think about me. This may just be a reaction and some sort of coping mechanism. But hey, if it keeps the running shoes on and keeps me out of the Ben & Jerry's aisle then I'm going to run with it! (pun intended)
And even better yet, I lost 2.2lbs this past week which is a great loss for me. Something may be coming to an end so that he start a brand new chapter in his life. But the heart of the matter is, it's time for me to start a whole new chapter as well. And that's a very exciting development. As much as I am feeling disappointed and a little blue, I am also feeling empowered and brave. It's an unexpected pleasant feeling out of what could have been a drama-filled, emotionally overloaded situation.
So a very emotionally exhausting week for me. I thought it was going to be all bad, and this week completely surprised me as did my emotions and reactions, and turned out to be all good!
“What's meant to be will always find a way.”
- Trisha Yearwood
PS. I realize I have put much more personal detail in this post than I usually would, and of course feel free to comment on it, but unless I really feel compelled to do otherwise, I will only respond to weight loss portions of the comments. Thanks for understanding!
PPS. I am thinking this is just a coincidence but I am noticing I lose more weight and am more focused on weight loss when I do not have a steady guy in my life. But that is a topic best left for another post.