Shake (Off) What Your Mama Gave You!

Does anyone else find it strange that amongst the list of things I want to do when I am at my goal size, there are quite a few... how shall we say, "risque" activities?

Things like:

-- I want to be a Hooters girl! (No really, I do!)
-- I want to pole dance & actually be really good at it (No really, I do!)
-- I want to dance in a cage or in a glass booth behind a bar, or something along those lines (No really, I do!)
-- I want to work in a Bikini Bar or Coyote Ugly type bar (no really, I do!)

Does this make me a whore??? LOL (yes, yes, I use the term loosely and in jest, and my apologies if I offend anyone)

And you can't forget about the flip side; all these jobs require some degree of talent. No, seriously, they do!

Pole dancing? Just go to youtube and search for a 'how to' video or look up 'Pole Dancing Championships' and you will see just how much strength, flexibility, agility, grace, and stage presence this highly skilled artform takes (yep, that's right, I called it an art form. C'mon... take away the pole and give those girls a few more feet of fabric covering their bodies and you're got professional gymnasts right there!

Dancing in a confined space? Again, skill, talent, and stage presence.

Bar work or a Hooters Girl? OK, technically the extent of their talents lie in don't spill the drinks or mix ups the orders. But think about it, do you have the mental ability and sparkling personality perseverance to deal with drunk oogling frat boys? or worse, drunk oogling businessmen? That takes skill (even if that 'skill' is just simple 'patience' and 'tolerance'!) And hey, some of those bar girls have mad mixing skills!

But yes, I will admit, at the end of the day all of these can be perceived as demeaning and/or shallow jobs. So why would I want to do them?

Because never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would not only have the body to do these jobs, but the confidence in myself that I could pull it off. I wouldn't even dare DREAM any of these things are possible.

But now I am daring to dream. Partly because I know I can shape, create, and mould the body *I* want. And my destiny is my chioce and my responsibility.

But mostly because I know I am creating and building the kind of confidence it will take for me to do one or any of these jobs with my head held high if I ever decide to do one or any of them.

And no matter how 'demeaning', or 'judged' I am by others, I will do these things with my head held high quite simply BECAUSE I CAN.

And I know for a fact that when I feel confident about something, I really don't give a **** what people think! (hey it's true, I'm blunt like that). All I know is I'm confident in my decision and you can judge me all you want without it affecting me in the slightest. How? Because at the end of the day you're not me or living my life so what do you care? Naturally of course you are entitled to your own opinion, but when i'm comfortable and confident in something your opinion doesn't matter to me at all. Not even a teensy bit. And besides being free of being overweight, being free of caring about other people's judgment of me will be the sweetest success of all.

My Favourite Kind of Reboot

I am a social loner. I love being social, but I can very easily go off and do my own thing. Sometimes I am defiant about it, most times though it comes very naturally to me. I think it's the latter that worries, scares, or confuses people. But when I'm confident about something people's opinions rarely matter to me.

I felt the need to blog today because it feels like forever since I have. Then I saw that my last post was Sunday - hardly 'forever' ago. But that tells me that much has happened, and indeed it has. Mentally and emotionally.

I am recharged. Refreshed. In control (oh, that last one has to be my favourite!). I spent Thursday and Friday completely alone in my little NYC apartment and absolutely adored every minute of it. Saturday and Sunday I worked, but I didn't mind. I was still in my own little world taking a little mental stay-cation.

I always talk about breathe and reboot. It's something that has always worked for me; it's my way of re-centering myself. But the only way I truly know how to do it is to strip back all the details of my life for at least 24 hours and get back to basics. No commitments, no obligations, no errands, nothing. However my life has been so crazy that I've been having to fudge my reboots and work with what I have given, which has been disappointing as well as frustrating.

By getting rid of all distractions, I can focus on me and what I want and what is important. This goal. Period. By reassessing my determination for this goal and the reasons I still want it so very much, I start crossing every T and doting every I, and I start to feel that feeling of control over my path again. I start really enjoying and getting truly excited about this journey again. Not from a novelty or fleeting moment; but from true inspiration that I am able to shape my own future and that control is truly within my grasp.

I'm babbling a bit but my point is I am so uber on track right now it's almost silly. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and I rarely say it, but also spiritually. But I'm not taking it for granted. It's still very fragile and I need to stay focused on it to turn in into a habit. If "It takes 21 days to create a habit" then I have a way to go yet. But I'm not deterred. With every decision, and every day, the healthy decisions get easier and the bad ones lose their weight and importance.

Damn it's nice to have control again.

PS. You should see my journal: scribbles over every inch of every page since Thursday and even spilling into the spaces from earlier in the week; Love it!

My New Best Friend

I can't believe I forgot to mention this sooner! I have a new best friend. I'm not sure what its name is yet, and I'm not even sure if it's a he or a she (leaning towards a she) but it's a new notebook/planner/dairy that I bought specifically for weight loss. (And yes, I fully intend on naming it eventually!)

I tried a few different iPod apps for recording everything. There are some amazing apps out there and they work great! But they can't replace the organic feel of writing by putting pen to paper. And as much as they are more convenient for me, I cannot connect to it & feel it in the way that I should.

I love writing down plans and thoughts and ideas in pretty colours with fun pens. Depending on my mood and what I'm writing reflects in my penmanship and for me that's important. Whether I like it or not, this is an emotional journey so it's not just about writing everything down; it's writing it all down and feeling it and understanding it too.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I used to keep a scrapbook. A big letter-sized sketchbook that I would write in, doodle in, clip pictures that caught my eye, or print articles that I read. I would vent into it ("Why oh why did I have those cocktails?!?!") and I would rejoice as well ("I lost 10lbs in a month! Goal weight here I come!!") Obviously being as big as it was it was only something I did at night or when I was home, and somewhere in the midst of moving, graduating (from my last degree), it was a habit that fell by the wayside.

I've been hesitant to start a mini-version of this for two main reasons: 1.) because I don't want the hassle of constantly carrying something around with me (hence why the iPod Touch apps are so incredibly efficient) and 2.) I don't want to create extra work for myself. I'm scared it will turn into work, not fun.

Thankfully, both of these are solvable! It's not a hassle to carry it around because as a student (again), I am constantly carrying around books. One extra book that's only 5"x7" isn't a problem (in fact, should I switch to a purse for the day it still wouldn't be an issue. I used to be a minimalist but these days my purse is much more 'everything but the kitchen sink'). Secondly, to keep it fun I need a fun notebook (I have a thing for nice stationary. Nice notebooks, pens, post its, etc. It's my thing! It makes me happy) If I like the book, I'll want to write in it and read it. So my mission last Friday was to find the perfect notebook.

As a stationary fanatic, I know that finding the perfect notebook is a tricky business. I'm extremely picky about the cover, binding, the layout, everything! I braced myself knowing I might not find what I'm looking for straight away. But I guess it was meant to be. I found it! The perfect size, spiral bound, lots of room to write as well as keeping everything in order. It's actually a planner (I was prepared to just buy a regular blank notebook) and the layout of the pages works so well for my purposes, and the cover is fun and colorful and makes me want to write in it with my pretty pink pen! You probably all think I'm a bit nuts right now but I don't care! :D

So far, I have written in it every day since I got it, sometimes more than others but nonetheless I'm determined to make it a daily habit. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit so 1 week down, 2 to go!

Besides daily events and ponderings it's already filled with a new list a mini-goal rewards, quotes, important thoughts that I should be thinking, and inspiring pictures I've stuck in. I'm sure I'll be sharing more of it with you!

So between my new best friend and my blog, I think my creative & emotional side has a great outlet to help me work through things and succeed on this journey. And I can't forget my lovely readers who post comments that always brighten my day and make me feel so humble that you took the time to stop by!

Sidenote: I am in cramp hell and yet writing and getting excited about my new bestie is making me feel better! I am not stepping on the scale this week though; I don't want to know the number. Besides, bloated weights don't count! I don't need to feel depressed about it when it's all going to go back to normal in 4-5 days time.

PS. In case you're wondering what notebook I got, it's a Quo Vadis TextAgenda Diary (the student version because it runs Sep'09-Aug'10. Perfect because a) I can't wait till Jan 2010 to start if I got a regular planner and b) *technically* I should be at goal or near it by Aug 2010!). I got the day to a page which is perfect. There's a section at the top for 'priorities' and I like using that for my 'goal of the day'. then a matching section at the bottom for notes which I like to use for whether or not I achieved my goal for the day. All the space in between is perfect for random notes, questions, off-plan foods, thoughts that pop up throughout the day.

Crunching the Numbers

I usually hate math, but when it comes to weight loss there's nothing I love more than punching all those numbers into a calculator!

I am aiming to lose a total of 53.8% of me. WOW!

Failing that, my other goal weight (my "let's get to this point and reassess" weight) is 180. Which would still be a total loss of 46.4%. Definitely not too shabby at all, huh? :)

I'm currently at 22.6% of my original weight gone (gone forever I might add). So I am veerrry close to finally being half way!

I am sure the best is yet to come...

Inhale The Fresh Air!

As I was replying to a comment (Thank you again MizFit!) I noticed something when I listed off a little list of my history of quitting smoking...

quit: March-Sep 2008
back on the cancer sticks in Oct 2008
quit: Nov 2008 - March 2009
asking for lung cancer April-July 2009
quit: August 5, 2009... FOR GOOD! :)

Both times when I turned back to smoking, I was unemployed and job hunting (ahh, the joys of freelance, contractual work!). Turns out, I'm a stress smoker!

I'm rather pleased with this little discovery. Although it does mean I have a harder job than the boredom smokers out there. If you smoke out of boredom, you just need something to keep you busy, a quick little task, anything, until the craving subsides. But stress? How do you handle that? (Evidently I am better at curing the boredom blues than the stress jitters)

I think the best stress less/overcome a craving technique for me in general is 'breathe and reboot'. Take 5 deep breaths and clear your mind. Then do it again. Keep doing it until you've calmed down & can see the bigger picture (or at least have removed yourself one step back from the immediate picture)

Of course a one hour deep tissue massage never goes astray either.

What's your best stress buster technique?

Why I Blog

I've noticed a few 'why I blog' posts floating around, and I think when it comes to weight loss it's a team effort. So move on over and make some space, I'm jumping on the bandwagon!

My Top 3 Reasons of Why I Blog (in no particular order):
-- One of the major differences between my mindset at the beginning (when I was losing a lot) and my mindset lately (losing and gaining the same 5lbs/basically maintaining) is that in the beginning my goal was constantly on the forefront of my mind each day. I am hoping a project such as this blog will help bring my focus back to my goals daily. And not just in a 'yeah, yeah... I'm on it...' kind of way. But in a real 'Dream. Believe. Create. Succeed.' kind of way.
-- I used to keep a scrapbook journal and would put things in it daily. They could be written entries, lists, clippings, images or words that inspire me, writing lessons learned and rewards earned, anything at all! Again, it kept me very focused but somewhere along the way it fell by the wayside. I am hoping this blog will turn into the tech-savvy version of the same thing.
-- A place to be accountable because it's out there for the world to see, and be completely honest about everything, because really I'm just cheating myself by not doing so. But you'd be surprised how much you don't want to admit you caved and had that cupcake... or how your 'workout' for the day was just walking from your apartment building to the subway, and from the subway to work, and back again. (I do realize with the anonymous factor, I'm not being "completely" honest. I know when I get more and more comfortable with this I will undoubtedly reveal more and more; perhaps even eventually removing the anonymity factor... we shall see)

Plus any weight loss success statistics will tell you writing things down has a proven success rate over those who don't. And who doesn't want to have the advantage?

Welcoming Withdrawals

The day has finally come for me to quit smoking.

Again.

I am a cold turkey believer. Once you get the the first 1-3 days out of the way the nicotine is out of your system and it really does get much easier after that. Besides, you're already AT your goal! How can you not love that?? You've already stopped smoking! You're not still feeding yourself with tiny doses of nicotine whether it be through the patch or gum or even gradually cutting back on cigarettes. YOU ARE KEEPING YOUR BODY IN A STATE OF WITHDRAWAL YOU CRAZY PEOPLE! YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF! YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF WITHDRAWALS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON HEALING!!!

Ahem, sorry about that. Flares in my temper are actually one of the smaller symptoms for me. Mostly I am just extremely tired (because nicotine is a stimulant) and really hungry (because I want the hand-to-mouth action as well as my blood sugar levels are probably dropping and/or going haywire). So I am a little concerned what this might to do my diet in the short term. Even though long term I know this is the best thing for me.

So this long-winded babble is an apology in advance. So I'm sorry. I don't know what I'll be like in the next 3 days. If I'm around at all (Inability to concentrate is another lovely withdrawal symptom of mine.)

THREE DAY PLAN OF ACTION:
1.) Do not smoke
2.) Lots of water, fresh fruit and veggies
3.) deep breaths, relax, I can do this!
4.) Sleep if I need to, my body is trying to heal afterall :)
5.) Replace cravings with exercise. Go for a walk and clear my head. Hell, it's the best '3 for the price of 1' deal:
              i.) Walking/exercise to distract me from the craving
              ii.) the exercise will help offset any quit smoking weight gain (from no longer having the stimulant to speed up your metabolism)
              iii.) more exercise might even equal more weight loss



OK. Deep breath. Here we go!!!



PS: This is my 4th quit in the last 18 months. Everyone's quit is different, and I can even vouch that even the same individual can have different experiences for different quits. The above are facts that pertain to ME. If you're looking for some cold turkey info though, please visit www.whyquit.com. In my opinion, it is the best site out there. (Although please feel free to recommend other cold turkey sites, I'd love to hear about them!)

SIDENOTE: Non-smokers giving quit smoking advice bugs the CRAP out of me. If you've never had a nicotine addiction, I do not want to hear your opinion nor advice on the matter. If you must get involved politely offer your support and leave it at that. You trying to offer advice or tell me about your friends' sister's husband's quit, just makes me want a cigarette more because you are pissing me off. I realize you're trying to help, but you can't. So just stop. Please. I beg you.

DID YOU KNOW? Studies have shown that nicotine just might be more addictive than cocaine or heroin.

A Pound For Your Thoughts?

Dear Readers, Lurkers, Accidental Visitors, and the like,

While of course I have started this blog primarily for myself and a place to put my meager meanderings, I know that you are out there somewhere in the cyber universe. And the fact that you are reading this right now kind of makes my head spin. That you would take the time out of your day to see what this chubby little chickie is up to makes my day.

I'm sure in the short time I have had this blog, you are getting a little insight into me and where I'm coming from and where I'm trying to get to. But I'd love to hear from you. I know that by blogging it is my choice to throw myself out there, and you, the reader, also have that same choice. To reveal or not to reveal: that is the question. But if you feel the need to say something, have advice, a funny anecdote, whatever! anything at all... please feel free to share! I would love to hear from you!

Of course, as the saying goes 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'.

xox 105

PS. And my sincere apologies for not posting this morning's blog yet. It is patiently sitting in my iPod Touch for me to make a few corrections before I post it. Today has been much busier than I thought. It may have to wait for the train ride home (oh joy... if there's one thing worse than morning rush hour, it's afternoon rush hour. Sure, everyone's had their coffee but by then the buzz has definitely worn off)

These are a few of my favorite things

.... and it doesn't involve raindrops on roses, or whiskers on kittens. (Even though I have nothing against either of those things. Or musicals for that matter)

Anyway, it's Terrific Tuesday! Already completed my workout for today (yay for strength training! They may be hidden under layers of fat for now but I know I have some fabulous lean muscles building!). As I was gulping down some water I thought about what I wanted to share today. Most immediate thoughts were those of things I can no longer tolerate and that's why I am focused on losing weight. But feeling so good (as one naturally does post-workout) it doesn't feel right to dwell on the negative nor does it feel right to use fear as a motivator today. Instead I am going to use hope (I'm sure I'll share my fear motivation list soon enough!). Here is a list of things I am hoping for and looking forward to in no particular order:

-- walking into ANY store and knowing they have my size. I don't care what number it is, just so long as it fits.
-- a flat stomach. 'Nough said.
-- not giving a second thought about if I can fit into that chair/ seatbelt/ booth because I know I can.
-- the millions of stairs in New York City NOT taking my breath away. Namely all the subways and my forth floor walkup.
-- looking in the mirror and liking what I see.
-- my thighs no longer touching or rubbing together.
-- saying 'I'm going for a run' and actually being able to run non-stop for the entire workout.
-- wearing a bikini again and looking even better in it now than I did ten years ago (just like Valerie Bertinelli. Don't try to tell me that Jenny Craig bikini ad she did didn't make your jaw drop!)
-- Being able to see my '4-pack' again. Hell, maybe this time I'll get the whole 6!
-- knowing I am happy and healthy.

...just to name a few.

So what's on your list?

It's All About Me (deal with it!)

For once in my life, I am trying to be totally selfish and put ME first.

This is a type of selfishness I have never known. To stand up and say 'No! Me and my health is more important than your favor/deadline/whatever!' It's a surprisingly hard type of selfish to learn. To constantly make yourself a priority; to make time for yourself to do what needs to be done.

As a soon-to-be-former workaholic, it's very easy to put your health at the bottom of your to-do list. Fast food, no sleep, stress, pressure... it can really weigh you down. Literally! But I don't want to bore you with every minuscule detail of who I am and how I got here (you gotta keep a little mystery at first you know? ) so here's the (rather large!) Cliff Notes version of how I got here:

• 2000: retired from dancing at 18 years old. Gained the typical weight a retired dancer gains and then some!
• 2001-2003: Attended a prestigious (and life-consuming!) drama conservatory for my Bachelor's degree. With a minimum schedule of 40 hours p/wk that could escalate to 70, sometimes even 80 hours p/wk, my health and my size were put on the backburner.
• 2003-2005: After graduating I learned that the only way to get ahead was to absolutely commit to my career. And get ahead I did, however by then my weight was so low on the list of priorities it had pretty much fallen off the list altogether.
• 2005-2008: Moved to New York to pursue my career and attain my Master's degree. So completely removed from anyone or anything I have ever known, I didn't know whether I wanted to rejoice or cry. Turns out I did both. Rejoiced for my career. And cried for my size and weight.
• 2006: "Lose Weight" had crept back on to the bottom of the to-do list. Next to it was a firm "when you're ready" label.
  
• 2007: In July 2007 I got sick and tired of waiting for "when you're ready" to happen, so I made it happen - whether I liked it or not!
• 2007: Joined Nutrisystem and lost 50lbs in 4 months!
• 2008: Plateaued HARD and decided I needed more accountability, and food that actually tasted half decent. Switched (back) to Jenny Craig (I had been before when I was much younger) and lost 30lbs almost instantly.
• 2008-2009: Work, the contraceptive pill, visa issues... the obstacles never cease! Seem to keep losing/gaining/maintaining the same 5-10lbs.
• Today: after about 10 months of not seeing any solid, continuous weight loss, again I am sick and tired of waiting for the problem to solve itself. Self, you're about to get your butt kicked back into losin' mode whether you like it or not!

Just like a race, it's the sprint to the finish that is the most important but also the hardest part. This is by no means a race, but in terms of where I am in this journey I am definitely at least half way through, if not more. Fantastic, right? Absolutely! But if I thought the first part was hard, it's about to get harder. Much, MUCH harder...

But I am determined to be strong enough to take on the challenge. I need the refreshed energy and enthusiasm and eagerness to succeed that I had two years ago when I was just starting out with this goal. I am hoping this blog will give me a new outlet to keep me motivated, and be a source of inspiration and a sign of my unwavering commitment to myself and this decision I have made.

I KNOW I can do this. Why? Because the ONLY thing that is standing in my way is ME.

And I refuse to let my fat ass get in my way any more!