FFFF#8: The F Word

I have three F words that I'd like to share. The first is...

FAILURE.

It might sound cliche but failure is not an option. It just isn't. Now that I am actually trying I will never quit, I will never give up, all because that is how much I fear failure. Mistakes? fine. Slips? OK. But failure? Never. And my weight is the closest I have ever really come to really failing at something. And failing yourself is the worst kind of failure. I want to be Fat Free so I can say that I haven't failed anything yet (and hopefully I never will).
(And I know essentially that it was my fear of failure that prevented me from trying in the first place, but that is for another post.)

The second is...

FINISH.

I want to finish this. I have to. I may end up at a slightly different finish line than I imagined but know that it will be some sort of finish none the less. It doesn't matter WHEN, all that matters is that it happens. I want to be Fat Free so that I can finish this overweight portion of my life once and for all.

The third is...

FREEDOM.

Cause being Fat Free is freedom, right? It's so obvious that it's very easy for me to overlook. I am recently rediscovering this word and am falling in love with it all over again. I want freedom from plus size clothing, my fat rolls, and my Fat Girl Mentality that I am not good enough or pretty enough. When all is said and done, I want to inwardly scream 'Freedom' like a victory cry much like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (I will only do this in my head and not out loud; that may be a little too weird and a little too drama diva, even for me!) I want to be Fat FREE. Period.

It's Just A Number

I feel like I should explain something. 105lbs is just a number to me.

I would love to lose 105lbs and weigh 155lbs at the end of all this. In fact, according to all those height/weight proportion charts, 155lbs is even heavy for my height (I'm 5'3). But I call bullshit on those charts cause I have been a size 8 both at 135lbs & 175lbs; I consider myself one of the lucky few learning first hand how muscle really does weigh more than fat (and I was definitely healthier and fitter at 175lbs than at 135lbs!)

I know I must have lost a lot of muscle mass since those uber fit days, but I also know that I am consistently around 50lbs heavier than other women the same dress size as me. I have even had it confirmed by two different (very honest!) parties who informed me I looked like I weigh 170-180, maybe 190 tops, but "definitely under 200lbs". Hmm. Such a compliment (hey, I'll take it!) but I find it curious all the same.

But the days of weighing between 135-175lbs was a long time ago. And I've been overweight for so long that I'm not sure what to expect on when this is all over. So losing 105lbs is more of an idea - a goal SIZE rather than a goal weight. I wanted to clarify that before we head into this journey any further. For my own sanity and to ease the pressure.

What pressure you may ask? The pressure that I am so scared I won't make this goal. It very unnerving to declare to the world this monstrous goal and not follow through. Well, I guess the term I'm looking for is not succeeding at this goal. Because I AM following through. I just don't know if I'll make it in the time given.

But that's usually when I want to slap myself up the back side of my head. Because it's not about WHEN it happens, it's about THAT it happens. And it is happening. Slowly, but surely, one choice and one day at a time.

Besides which, when I imagine and daydream about my goal (which I try do at least once daily because it keeps me focused), I don't ever imagine the day I step on the scale and seeing a number. I picture the way I feel and look doing the daily mundane things as well as picturing a special event or two. But never a scale.

I'd use clothing sizes exclusively to measure instead except that it's a more general, obtuse way to measure. A scale is more accurate and measures in smaller increments. It's just a number. A device I use to measure my progress. That's all there is to it.

So here's to losing "105lbs" in however long it takes!*


*don't worry, I'm still aiming for next August! ;)

FFFF#5: When I was a Wee Lass...

... I was a competitive Scottish Highland Dancer. No, really! I was!

From 13 glorious years from ages 5-18 my life consisted of 2-3 dance classes a week, practicing in my living room after school, and travelling to many competitions both regionally, nationally, and on one occasion, internationally*.

I only bring this up because what I wouldn't give to do one last competition. To be that fit again. To be that toned and lean again. To have a 'natural' 4 pack again (natural as in I didn't work at it specifically. It just appeared through dancing so often! How cool is that?) To be able to fit back into my costumes (I still have them!) and say I'm back to my old self again.

I know you can't go back in time, and I also know it isn't good to dwell on what used to be. I completely understand that while I might end up back at that same size, this time round may end up being a case of 'same, same, but different.'

But that's OK. Just give me one more chance. One little comeback. Even if the only person in the world that knows and can take supreme pride and joy in the event of a comeback is me.

A huge Factor to be Fat-Free: to fit into my costumes again and dance!

*The World Championships in Cowal, Scotland in 1999 plus other various championships around Scotland for 5 weeks. Got to celebrate my 17th birthday over there too!

PS. As someone who doesn't have DVR or TiVo or a VCR, I am one week behind on my Biggest Loser episodes (but I'm grateful to see them at all! Thanks Hulu!) but I just realized after posting this, that this could totally fit into the 'Second Chances' category. The Biggest Loser always hit home, but maybe this season it might even hit home a little closer than usual.

FFFF#3: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing But The Truth

One of the ultimate reasons I want to be fat free is because I no longer want fat to be an excuse.

I didn't think I ever used fat as an excuse. When I realized I sometimes do, I realized that it was happening in many more cases than I care to admit.

And I'm not talking about the run-of-the-mill 'I chose not to go to a party because I feel fat', even though that is a very valid form of using fat as an excuse. I'm talking about the sneaky ways being unhealthy and being unhappy about it can really sneak up on you and bite you in the butt. HARD. And not let go either. through DOUBT.

Doubt to me can be worse than an excuse. At least with an excuse you have made up your mind. "I am fat and that is why xyz can't happen". But with doubt you'll never know. And for me, it always boils down to if an event happened because I am fat then that could have been prevented from happening because fat is something you can prevent. (Make sense?)

Things like knowing I gave a great job interview but didn't get the job. Knowing that perhaps things won't work out with a guy because maybe we're not completely compatible. Not getting the same customer service as other people (whether this work for you or against you). All of these are great examples of me asking myself 'is it because I'm fat?'

No sooner than I ask the question that the seed of doubt is planted. And it really sucks. Cause you'll never really know for sure.

I am looking forward to the day that I can tell myself with complete confidence that I didn't get the job solely because there was a better candidate. Or I stopped seeing someone because we just aren't compatible. Or I got crappy customer service because this Sales Associate sucks. Yep, that will be a great day indeed!

PS. Although, it could also go the other way. I could be fat free and it helps me get the job, get the guy, and get the great customer service. And any or all of those things wouldn't be bad either.

Does this mean I get a detention?

I have a very long day today, or at least longer than I'm used to: 9am-10pm. So when my alarm went off at 5:55am for my morning workout, I reset it and opted for an extra hour of sleep. Was that bad?

I am only supposed to run on alternate days with the c25k program and I know I was planning on a cardio session, so that's not a bad thing. But I really should have got in some resistance and strength work, which I am terrible at keeping up with. Hmm.

Meanwhile sleeping in on a work day felt very strange indeed. Skipping my workout felt like I was doing something 'naughty'... like ditching class or eating the last cookie. So I definitely feel more rested, but a little strange nonetheless. Almost like I should feel grateful for not getting caught. Or perhaps I didn't get away with it... we shall see.

So perhaps I need to find another solution. This is the first of many 13hour days ahead for me as I attempt something I've never done before: go to school full time AND work full time. And I plan on still eating right, getting enough exercise in, AND still trying to get enough sleep (that one might actually be the toughest come to think of it)

Looks like I have some scheduling and planning to do...

SIDENOTE: Woke up again last night in the middle of the night and found myself at the refrigerator. At first I thought it was not eating enough during the day but I am eating all the food on my plan, so perhaps it's a bad habit I need to break afterall...?

PS. Although if my food plan is 1700 calories and I'm burning about 400 in a workout doesn't that mean I'm only consuming around 1300 calories? Is that a good deficit or is 1700 already a deficit? Definitely a good question for my JC consultant on Thursday.

Crunching the Numbers

I usually hate math, but when it comes to weight loss there's nothing I love more than punching all those numbers into a calculator!

I am aiming to lose a total of 53.8% of me. WOW!

Failing that, my other goal weight (my "let's get to this point and reassess" weight) is 180. Which would still be a total loss of 46.4%. Definitely not too shabby at all, huh? :)

I'm currently at 22.6% of my original weight gone (gone forever I might add). So I am veerrry close to finally being half way!

I am sure the best is yet to come...

Why I Blog

I've noticed a few 'why I blog' posts floating around, and I think when it comes to weight loss it's a team effort. So move on over and make some space, I'm jumping on the bandwagon!

My Top 3 Reasons of Why I Blog (in no particular order):
-- One of the major differences between my mindset at the beginning (when I was losing a lot) and my mindset lately (losing and gaining the same 5lbs/basically maintaining) is that in the beginning my goal was constantly on the forefront of my mind each day. I am hoping a project such as this blog will help bring my focus back to my goals daily. And not just in a 'yeah, yeah... I'm on it...' kind of way. But in a real 'Dream. Believe. Create. Succeed.' kind of way.
-- I used to keep a scrapbook journal and would put things in it daily. They could be written entries, lists, clippings, images or words that inspire me, writing lessons learned and rewards earned, anything at all! Again, it kept me very focused but somewhere along the way it fell by the wayside. I am hoping this blog will turn into the tech-savvy version of the same thing.
-- A place to be accountable because it's out there for the world to see, and be completely honest about everything, because really I'm just cheating myself by not doing so. But you'd be surprised how much you don't want to admit you caved and had that cupcake... or how your 'workout' for the day was just walking from your apartment building to the subway, and from the subway to work, and back again. (I do realize with the anonymous factor, I'm not being "completely" honest. I know when I get more and more comfortable with this I will undoubtedly reveal more and more; perhaps even eventually removing the anonymity factor... we shall see)

Plus any weight loss success statistics will tell you writing things down has a proven success rate over those who don't. And who doesn't want to have the advantage?

These are a few of my favorite things

.... and it doesn't involve raindrops on roses, or whiskers on kittens. (Even though I have nothing against either of those things. Or musicals for that matter)

Anyway, it's Terrific Tuesday! Already completed my workout for today (yay for strength training! They may be hidden under layers of fat for now but I know I have some fabulous lean muscles building!). As I was gulping down some water I thought about what I wanted to share today. Most immediate thoughts were those of things I can no longer tolerate and that's why I am focused on losing weight. But feeling so good (as one naturally does post-workout) it doesn't feel right to dwell on the negative nor does it feel right to use fear as a motivator today. Instead I am going to use hope (I'm sure I'll share my fear motivation list soon enough!). Here is a list of things I am hoping for and looking forward to in no particular order:

-- walking into ANY store and knowing they have my size. I don't care what number it is, just so long as it fits.
-- a flat stomach. 'Nough said.
-- not giving a second thought about if I can fit into that chair/ seatbelt/ booth because I know I can.
-- the millions of stairs in New York City NOT taking my breath away. Namely all the subways and my forth floor walkup.
-- looking in the mirror and liking what I see.
-- my thighs no longer touching or rubbing together.
-- saying 'I'm going for a run' and actually being able to run non-stop for the entire workout.
-- wearing a bikini again and looking even better in it now than I did ten years ago (just like Valerie Bertinelli. Don't try to tell me that Jenny Craig bikini ad she did didn't make your jaw drop!)
-- Being able to see my '4-pack' again. Hell, maybe this time I'll get the whole 6!
-- knowing I am happy and healthy.

...just to name a few.

So what's on your list?