I hate realizations like this...

OK. Once again, here is something I realized a few days ago and it's so shameful it didn't even occur to me to blog about it. But here goes:

Deep breath....


One year ago (11/19/2008 to be exact) I was 20lbs lighter.

SAY WHAT?!

Yep, in the space of a year I've gained 20lbs. I know, that can't be right!!! Can it?! Wait, what? Can you please repeat that?! No wait, don't. I don't want to hear it again. I've been trying to LOSE, so how (THE F***) did I GAIN?!?!

Well, before I continue let me just say that I am the same size which is one of the huge factors in not realizing 20lbs "snuck up" on me. Which also means I probably gained some muscle in the last year in order to be the same size but weigh more.

But reasoning/excuses aside, yes, I got to 84lbs down. I almost got out of the 250's (when oh when will I be closer to 200 than 300???). Looking back at it like this makes me want to cry at the same time as throw my fist through a wall. I am angry and disappointed at myself and the situations life has thrown at me in the last 12 months. But then I just get even madder at myself. Because I am in control of it, or lost control more like. It is MY responsibility. MY choices. ME. Blaming circumstance is avoiding the real issue which is me. What the hell happened?!

That's why I started this blog. I had become a yo-yo weigher. I don't believe I am a yo-yo dieter in the traditional sense of the word. I'm not changing diets, I just seem to be a really slow learner & keep falling off the wagon (wow, denial much?) but regardless of what you want to call it, the proof is on the scale:

The end of July I was back down.
The end of August I was back up.
The end of September I was back down a little.
Mid-October I was down; by the end of the month I was back up.
November has been up & only started to go down this past week.

EW, GROSS!

Sometimes I need a cold hard dose of a reality check like this. To see it in writing. To confess. I think it scares me straight. I get so digusted I am propelled into action.

Hmph...

Wow, re-reading my weigh in numbers again. I am sick of losing and gaining the same friggin' 15lbs over and over AND OVER AND OVER!!! ARGH!

I would love to sit here & tell you that it's because I started school again. And because I quit smoking. And a million other perfectly acceptable, valid reasons but I refuse to state them because it's bulls**t. Yep, you heard me. I will not let myself get away with it that easily.

I made choices that I'm not proud of, and not being proud of my choices stops right here & now.

Is It Really So Unbelieveable?

Why is it so hard to believe that I deserve this?

After a tearful conversation with my mother explaining to her how much it hurts that she even entertains the notion that she might need to caution me every now & then about regaining (all) the weight, I went into great detail about how I am a very different person emotionally now. This is a difficult subject for us, or more specifically for me to talk about with her, because as close as we are we never talk about "deep dark feelings", and I believe this is the problem. Sometimes I don't even care if she wants to hear it, because I know I need to say it to her.

This is one of those things. I needed to explain to her that for whatever reason, somewhere along the line I decided I didn't deserve the body and lifestyle I wanted. That it was almost like I needed to be punished via ignoring and neglect. However, life is a balance, so without all that care and attention going into me and my health, where did it go? Into my studies and my career. This spoke worlds to her, and she really understood it. I was putting double the effort, care, and attention into my career, and you know what? It sort of paid off. I excelled quickly and I constantly have the problem of having the experience but being too young.

But this over-achievement was a distraction from the truth that I knew half of this attention should be going into me. Or perhaps I thought if my career was successful enough it would compensate to the point of not even mattering that I didn't take care of myself. Both are good theories; at the end of the day I think it's six of one & half a dozen of the other because both boil down to a lack of balance.

I do not think it's a coincidence that I started re-evaluating my career and backing off substantially and trying new things (Hello! Massage school!) around the same time that I realized I needed to live a more balanced life. As they say 'the first step is admitting you have a problem'. Which I couldn't agree more with. It's the next step that is trickier.

For some reason I am still blocking myself from wanting what it is I truly know I want. Why is it so hard to believe I deserve this?! When my mother was agreeing with me and she went on to say that I've been doing very well, even just to still be committed to seeing this through after 2+ years, and that I do deserve to be healthy and happy with the way I look.... you know what I did? In my head I agreed with everything she said until she said 'You deserve to be healthy and happy with the way you look' to that, in my head I called 'bullshit'.

Wait, WHAT?!

Yep, seriously. I called bullshit. I called bullshit to me deserving the healthy, happy body I want. There is something very wrong with that. I don't understand why I don't believe I deserve it. Because I do. I KNOW I do. So why do I think I don't? Why am I punishing myself? It is really so scary to let all that go? Wow....


I am judging myself for getting so in my head in the last few weeks, and I know I shouldn't be judging. I need to not sensor, or edit, I need to let it all out. Everyone's process is different and I need to keep doing what's right for me. I really don't want to obsess on this, but maybe this is one thing that I AM allowed to over-analyse. I think I need an answer. Or perhaps the answer is irrelvent. I think I NEED TO BELIEVE that I deserve this before I move on.

I have been trying to replace the word 'should have' with 'deserve to'; it usually manages to turn a negative, guilt-ridden statement into a positive one. But there's that word again: "Deserve". It's like my Word of the Moment. it's making me really think about things...

I deserve this. I do dammit! Why is that so hard for me to believe?

Never Ever

I have been feeling a little lost this last week or so. In the moment, things are fine, I'll probably even tell you that I'm happy. Which is true. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm playing catch up right now.

I am letting old habits creep back in. The way things become so 'important' to me that they get all my time and energy and focus and dedication, when really the ONLY thing in my life that should be receiving that type of attention from me constantly right now is ME. Me and my weight loss. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Physically speaking, I am relatively on track. Slips here and there, not quite 100% but far from completely off the wagon. I'm talking mentally. My head isn't in the game. I so desperately want this, but the confidence is lacking.

One of the best books I ever bought was The Sixty Second Motivator*. I pulled it out last night & had a quick flip through it & made some notes in my journal to think about today. It's such a quick read & really helps me understand what motivation is and how to 'easily' find it. But easy is relative. You need a cold, hard dose of reality sometimes in order to find the truth.

But I'm getting a little off track. The biggest thing on my mind this week has been a job interview I had on Monday. I so desperately want this job even though I run the risk of going back to my past life. But as much as I feel I'm lacking in confidence at the moment (I also think I'm standing in my own way right now but I think that's for another post) there is one thing that I, without a doubt, have total confidence in: That I will never go back to my starting weight.

I will never be that heavy again. Ever. That's not a promise. It's a fact.

First of all, it will never happen because I am learning to love myself and love looking after myself. There is some serious self-neglect going on when you get yourself up to 336lbs. But more importantly, the revelation I had this week is that I will never be that weight again because I am a happier person, and am much more honest with myself about what happiness is for me.

After watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu this week & after a few D&Ms with new found friends revealing how much I used to weigh, I have come to a simple conclusion: 15-20lbs overweight is life getting in the way. It's bad habits, it's 'not enough time', it's 'I'm too busy right now'. But 30-40+ lbs overweight? That's emotions.

I know I'm not saying anything new here. But it's a realization that not only is enjoying taking care of myself going to ensure I am never that heavy again, but the simple fact that I will never let myself be that unhappy again. That alone is going to ensure I never return. Will I slack off & let life get too busy on occasion and possibly gain up to 15-20lbs? Unfortunately yes I think so. I have accepted that weight & food will be a constant struggle for me throughout my life. I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, but it's a choice, and one I am willing to accept in exchange for letting life happen, and indulging in it every now and then.

But will I ever become so disconnected with myself, and stop giving myself what I need to feel happy and whole that I gain 30+, 40+, 50+? Never ever again. It's impossible. I am in a very different place these days mentally and especially emotionally. You can't undo being honest with yourself. You can't go back into denial. Or at least I can't. The cat's out of the bag. Emotionally speaking I now know what I want, and what I need. And those are things that are now impossible to ignore.

Which is why my greatest fear right now is not going backwards, but standing still. I suppose that in itself is a great achievement, and yet somehow not. Sure, it's not going backwards, but it's not going forwards either. Am I really so scared my life will change? Won't it change for all the amazing reasons that I dream about? Every time I think I put my finger on one of the major reasons I stand in my own way, it slips away again. But I'm working on it.

As for feeling in control again, it dawned on me late last night that in the past what I have done is taken 2-3 days to get religiously back on track. To cross every T and dot every I. It's just something I do. I block out the world for up to 72 hours (sometimes literally and I'll stay in my apartment the entire time. Yay for workout DVDs!) & I re-emerge completely refocused, remotivated, reenergized, 110% rebooted. it's like my own mini-Biggest-Loser-campus and I love it.

The only bad thing about this is when I have a schedule like I currently do and technically do not have a single day where I am able to do nothing. I have something happening on every single day right now. So I am giving thanks for Thanksgiving, because I will finally have at least 1 whole day of nothingness.

But I'm not sitting around and waiting until then. I need to learn how to do this come rain, hail, or shine. Life happens. So what? I need to learn how to roll with the punches and make it work.

*Here is another of his books that speaks to me a lot. If you like statistics and facts, this is the book for you! It really is no nonsense and makes perfect sense!

F.E.A.R.

Sometimes learning Shiatsu massage annoys the crap out of me. It can be completely backwards compared to typical Western Medicine & learning both in tandem can be confusing. But then there are days like today where I love Shiatsu. Because after all, it is about the Mind, the Body, and the Soul all being both independent & interdependent.

Without going into the whole "Introduction to Eastern 101" we were talking about elements & one of the components of one of the elements is fear. And it's when my teacher said 'it's not procrastination, that's different. We're talking a real fear of even getting something started' that I really sat up & started paying attention.

Imagine being so afraid of something that you don't even want to get started? That sounds so tragic to me. Something that I would expect to be written by Shakespeare & have it be one of the great all-time tales of tragedy! But I suspect it happens far more often than we care to admit. We're even terrified to admit that we are afraid sometimes! Afraid that we will fail, afraid that it will absolutely change our world, afraid that maybe our world won't change at all.

And then sometimes it's not YOU has has the fear. Maybe you're ready & enthusiastic. But what if other people project their fears onto you? 'You can't do that, you'll never get there'... 'even if you can do it, what happens if you gain it all back?'... 'wow, that's a lot of weight you're planning to lose! that's going to be so hard, glad I'm not you!'

OK, first off, if your friends are saying statements exactly like those above, I recommend you get new friends ASAP. Those are the only extreme examples I could think of, but I'm sure you get my point. People doubt, or put their own fears and insecurities into you. And before you know it, that hopeful, eager part of you that was ready to overcome any obstacle is suddenly consumed with thinking thoughts that only encourage doubt and/or fear.

So! My point is I learned something today. Fear is F.E.A.R. That stands for:

Forced

Experiences

Appearing

Real

Regardless of whether someone forces a hypothetical experience on us or whether we force it upon ourselves at the end of the day they only appear to be real. But they're not.

I would like to think that I'm not scared to losing weight. But maybe I am. Maybe I'm so terrified I can't even see that maybe it's fear that holds me back. It seems so strange though. Because I want to be fit and happy with my body more than anything. There is never a day that goes by that I wish I didn't have this belly, or the side-of-boob/underarm fat roll, or that my butt didn't jiggle uncontrollably. But maybe I've had these things for so long I'm terrified of what will change. What if my world is turned upside-down. Or perhaps worse, what is nothing change? Nothing at all?

These are all very scary thoughts. I just need to remember that Forced Experiences Appearing Real are NOT real. They are not going to come true. Not even close! I promise myself to keep an eye on this, if I am indeed afraid of something. Because that's no way to live. And it's definitely not a way to succeed. In fact, it's a way to ensure you fail. But I'm not going to fail. I'm going to persevere; I'm going to survive. I'm going to slip and fall and pick myself right back up & learn from those experiences and keep on going. Never stop until I reach the end. Why? Because fear doesn't live here anymore!

Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

OK. Confession Time.

I don't understand why this has been so hard for me to admit because this blog is anonymous after all. I think I fear the failure as well as the judgment and pity party. But here goes....

You may remember I started this blog when my favourite JC consultant left JC for bigger and better things. At the time I also decided it would be the perfect time to take a little break from the food and gorge myself on summer fresh fruits, vegetables, and salads. I promised myself 4 weeks of eating what I wanted (without going overboard) and seeing if I could do it.

True to my word I returned to JC in September. And the biggest reason I did? I was clueless without it! Now, I know a lot of you will say that I have to learn eventually so you might as well learn now. But I disagree. That does not work for me. It's too much to handle and I know me well enough to know that I need to take baby steps or else I might thrown in the towel. So I need tackle one thing at a time: First I want to get the weight off, then I will work on how to eat to maintain (instead of learning how to eat to lose). In my mind, a slip when I'm already at my desired size is very different to a slip while I'm still trying to get there.

But there's another reason. You may notice my tickers have not been moving. That's because I'm scared to update them. In those 4 weeks away I GAINED 10LBS.

OMG I can barely believe I just admitted that. But it's true. I gained 9.8lbs to be exact. And I NEED to confess in order to progress :)

Because despite being sick and my crazy schedule now that I am back to JC, I am slowly but surely losing again. And I can't track it on here because I'm not being honest about my current weight. So like last Thursday when I was so happy that I lost 1.4lbs? I felt like I couldn't share it because losing 1.4lbs was still 7.4 UP from my original weight for this blog.

But enough of that! It's in the past! Breathe & reboot!

SO! OCTOBER GOAL: Back to 260 (or beyond).

It pains me to say that. But it must be done. It also pains me because it makes my ultimate goal a little harder to reach in the time frame I originally wanted; but like I said previously I still intend on making it eventually, even if it takes ANOTHER 365 days.

And it's more important that I am completely honest. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. After all, too much denial has taken place already. Because I know when I weighed 336lbs I told myself I didn't care and it didn't matter. How I believed that, I'll never know. But one thing's for sure: denial doesn't live here anymore and honesty must, must, MUST exist at all times.

I feel like I should say 5 Hail Marys and then go for a run. But seeing as I'm not overtly religious, I think I'll just go for the run instead.

Fat Girls Are Pretty Too

I am always proud to declare that I am a jeans and sneakers girl. In fact, as I've lost more weight I can't help noticing I am buying more cute tees with prints and more fun sneakers (oh Nike, you know just what i like and the way i like it!). But i have to wonder... is this part of Fat Girl Mentality and I'm just having trouble breaking out of it, or am I truly a jeans and sneakers gal?

Because the truth is, I don't like dressing up. Pretty dresses, high heels (ICK!), the whole notion makes my heart sink (did you see that right there? an 'ick' to high heels? what the hell is that??). I feel uncomfortable, and in my experience I spend most of the night fidgeting or primping. By the end of the night I'm tired and quiet, or worse, cranky because my feet hurt, and ultimately I didn't have a great time because I spent most of it concerned or distracted by my outfit.

Now is that just the Fat Girl talking or is that the Jeans and Sneakers girl talking?

Part of me thinks it's just cause I'm not used to it and I don't do it that often, and hey, jeans and sneakers ARE more comfortable than a revealing LBD and stilettos (double ick!)

But another part of me thinks it's the Fat Girl screaming 'I look like a whale! Take me home!' I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to look beautiful because I can't possibly be... I am a hippo. In fact, I am usually feeling just shy of the image of lipstick on a pig. Except in this case it's 'the LBD on the fat chick'.

Isn't that horrible?! But it's these types of thoughts and emotions that I KNOW (and hate admitting) that I have to deal with if I even hope to keep this weight off for good.

Take the guy I'm seeing for instance. He'll talk about wanting to take me somewhere and how I'll be dressed in heels and a flirty dress and I feel myself inwardly sigh. I want him to accept the girl in jeans and sneakers, not try to change me into something I'm not. But maybe I'm so determined to be stubborn in my ways (which would not surprise me!), I think I might be blind to the bigger picture: he wants to see me dressed up cause he thinks I look great (that's it right? Not that he's trying to change me? That he actually thinks I look pretty, and not lipstick on a pig pretty, but actually pretty...??)

Or like how I notice he'll compliment me when I do wear a skirt or on the rare occasion I wear heels (they're probably just wedges. And wedges hardly count as heels now, do they?). Or I'll notice how sometimes if I am wearing a dress it's almost like he can't keep his hands off me! So why do I resist so hard when evidently most of it, maybe even almost all of it, is in my head???

OK, so maybe this all might just be him just liking his girls girly. And as much as I love my jeans and sneakers I will admit I am a girly girl at heart. I like cute stuffed animals, I giggle, and I scream at spiders and bugs. But I have a sneaking suspicion that that's beside the point anyway. I think the point is why do I insist on feeling ugly when I am even one of the lucky ones who gets compliments telling me that I'm not!?!

I am on a journey to shed weight, but I think I also need to shed some of my attitude as well. OK a lot; I need to shed a LOT of my attitudes and beliefs. I am NOT a cow dressed in a mumu. I am a pretty, 20-something girl who looks fabulous in a LBD and sexy heels (ugh, do I have to?). I don't quite believe that yet, but I'm trying...

I think this is a HUGE case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Is "Struggling" an Ugly Word?

Even though I have only been blogging for about a month now, I have been on this journey since July 2007. When I remind myself that I have been losing or trying to lose for over 2 years, I am a little more forgiving of myself when I see my inspiration and motivation wavering.

But I don't like to admit that I have trouble staying focused. Because in a sense, I don't. Am I happy where I am physically? No. Do I still want the same goals as I did in the beginning? Even more than ever. It's the daily grind, the small stuff that seems to be giving me in the most trouble. But I hate saying I'm struggling; perhaps because it's a form of saying "I need help".

So lately, I have been in search of things to keep me motivated. To stay inspired. Because every little choice is a step closer to my goal. At the moment, I am probably succeeding on about 50% of those tiny daily choices. I need to get that back up to 80% and up.

This blog is one of those things. And it is definitely helping keep my mind on track. And you, lovely readers, were my surprise bonus; you and your blogs inspire me more than I ever could inspire myself on my own.

Typically, I am a very visual person. I think there's a reason I used to scrapbook and journal. Writing entries one day, cutting out images that move and inspire me the next. In one of my random google searches I came across these female athletes:

T-Nation: Figure Athletes

Now, I'll be the first to admit that some of these women have a few too many muscles and veins showing than I would like! But some of them don't. Some are just lean and firm with slight muscle definition. I find images like this so inspiring. To know it really IS possible to look like that.

I know I won't ever look exactly like that. I will look like MY version of that. And you know what? That version will be even better than any of those pics combined!

So I am very excited about aiming for Hawaii for Thanksgiving! I am hoping for a brand new swim suit for then. It may not be a bikini but if it doesn't include a swim skirt or the words "Miraclesuit"* then I'll be one happy camper!

(Failing Hawaii, then I'm going somewhere warm and tropical for Christmas, so either way, I've GOT to get my jiggly big butt in gear!!)

*Not that I don't love MiracleSuits! I would just prefer to be wearing them in a size 8 or 10, not a size 16 or 18!

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

Gimme a 1...!!!!

Gimme a 0...!!!
Gimme a 5...!!!
Gimme a I.N.3.6.5...!!!

Sometimes I wonder where this enthusiastic cheerleader comes from. My new-found twitter friends have noticed it. My good friends on the NS boards back in the day would always comment on it too. But why don't I feel like I am that cheerleader that everyone else seems to see?

Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel as though I'm treading water. Except my head is only just above the water, I'm spluttering a little as sometimes I bob under a little, and my muscles are exhausted from treading water for so long only there's no boat, no land, no help in sight. Nothing to do but keep treading. (wow, I really like that analogy... I just came up with that as my fingers typed my 'as they come to me' thoughts.. wow. tres impressed with myself if I do say so myself!)

I am reminded of when my mother gives me "helpful" reminders. 'Just remember you don't want to return to your former size' or 'be careful at that birthday party. Probably best if you skip the cake and wine'. I know she loves me and she's trying to help, but she just isn't helping.

The thing is I think those sorts of thoughts all on my own. I really do not need her help with those. What I need from her is support. And not fake support either since that really isn't her style, or I guess mine either for that matter. But I need her to dwell on the positive because I sure as hell am dwelling on the negative enough for the both of us.

Simple changes like 'Just keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up' or 'Enjoy catching up with all those friends you haven't seen in a while at the birthday party' is all it needs. But this post isn't about my mother (although don't worry, I have had a serious conversation with her about this example mentioned; and I am sure there will be many solely-mum reports in the future)

The point is I do not like to write frequently about how scared I am that this won't work. Or what happens if I don't lose 105lbs in the next year. Or how painfully aware I am how VERY easily I could take one slip (albeit one MASSIVE slip, but nonetheless ,still a slip) and end up back where I started at roughly 336lbs and a size 25 jeans.

So I psych myself up. I cheer myself on. I try get all Jillian Michaels on my a$$. I think about how amazing it will be WHEN I succeed - anything from resisting snacks at the movie theatre to wogging 5k again.

Besides, does Negative Nelly really help anyone (Actually, I'm serious! I would love to hear from anyone who uses Negative Nelly to motivivate them and how/why that works). I am sure remaining positive cheers other people up, and perhaps if I motivate others, then they will motivate me. (Why I can't just motivate myself in the first place I have no idea)

Essentially, I just find it very curious that this is the vibe I give off when it was not my conscious intention at all. Don't get me wrong, Enthusiasm is a great compliment, and I'm so happy to be getting that comment time and time again. I just wonder where it comes from when the majority of the time I'm treading water (refer back to awesome analogy earlier!)

Or maybe this is just a huge case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Because if experience is anything to go by, if I am patient and stick with it... if it talks like a cheerleader, sounds like a cheerleader, and acts like a cheerleader, then maybe eventually I'll actually believe I AM a cheerleader! Afterall, I am my own biggest fan.

And you should be your own biggest fan too!

SIDENOTE: And maybe one day, I'll be the size of a cheerleader too! OK, not of those freskishly teeny, still-hasn't-developed, throw 20ft in the air ones, but maybe one of the "base" ones would be nice.