FFFF#12: Do You See What I See?

I almost missed Factors for being Fat Free Friday! This week has been crazy. Slipping but not quite. Succeeding but not really. Lots of ups & downs, lack of sleep, work, school, study, repeat. Not to mention the guy I was seeing for a year and a half has come back into the picture (wow, did he really mean it when he said he needed a break? Was I too cynical in assuming it was a break up?). I still don't know where he belongs, but I will say I am thinking things through carefully and I'm just glad to have him back in my life because I missed him. As a person in my life I mean. So we're talking. (I never quite understood what people meant by 'we're talking, we're feeling things out' until now. NOW I know!)

Anyway! This isn't about my crazy life, this is about why I want this more than anything. I want to like what I see the in the mirror. I want to be hungry for this again (no pun intended). I want to be ruthless, religious, and uncompromising about every decision I make. I used to be like that when I first started this journey back in 2007. Now I don't even see when I'm slacking off. Anyone who tells you this journey wasn't hard was lying. Throw in a crazy schedule and goings-ons and it's twice as hard.

But I can do it. I must. I want to like what I see looking back at me in the mirror. Every single inch of her I want to like. The assets & the flaws, I accept them all because overall I want to like what I see.

I don't yet. But I'm getting there.

Try, Try Again

Wow. Things are so crazy. If I was just trying to exist I would be fine, but I am done with that portion of my life. I now want... no! I deserve...no! in fact I will settle for nothing less than... to try to excel at all that I do. (Overachieve much?) I used to think only my career was important. But now I know it's ALL important because it's ALL interdependent. Why? Because it's all connected by this crazy thing called MY LIFE.

So here I am, trying to lose weight & do better because I know I can. I KNOW I know how to pay more attention to my choices. I KNOW I know that it only takes just 10 minutes of activity 3 times a day to be satisfied that you did in fact exercise today. I am also trying to maintain my 3.97 GPA because quite frankly, I have never tried before. I believe I am one of the lucky few that always knew that "grades do not define me as a person" so I never focused on them nor let them get to me or become goals of mine. But I guess wanting the most for yourself in other areas of your life has a tendency to spill into different areas. And now I want to see just exactly what I can do! (I'll be honest, I knew I was smart, I just didn't know if I was 'smart on paper'... who knew?! Look what happens when you try).

And I'm not trying at work (cause honestly it's a paycheck job not a passion project like I am so used to) but work definitely is trying! Everything in my life is trying right now. Whether it be trying my patience or trying to make me a better (lighter!) person. But all I can do is keep trying.

When I set up this blog and wrote in the profile that "I am going to lose" it was because I firmly believe that I will. I was careful in my choice of words. But 'going to' begins with trying.

I am trying to focus solely on 20lbs/1-size-smaller for Christmas. No more bigger picture (for now). Time to micro-manage! Some people throw themselves into new diet and/or exercise plans to keep things fresh & rejuvenated. In my experience that only works as a quick fix for me and ultimately leaves me more frustrated than before. What usually works for me is a mini-goal. But I need to be focused. I need tunnel-vision. I need my blinkers on. That part I have been struggling with. Time to breathe & reboot & make this happen.

I know all the knowledge I need. And I have all the tools at my disposal. Now I just need to execute and follow through. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But tough titties cause it's time to s**t or get off the pot. Seriously!

The biggest thought on my mind today was how exhausted I am. Yes, it's the weather (rainy, darker, colder), and yes it's probably also PMS (I could double as a flotation device right now) but I think it's more than that. This is such a long journey. One that I will never give up on but it's so long and challenging and HARD all the same. I keep wondering why I've been bouncing around the same numbers on the scale for over a year, and I think the simple reason is I'm comfortable. I'm not longer squeezing into a size 25 jeans, I slip quite comfortably into a size 18, and on a good day, I'll squeeze into my size 16 Calvin Klein dark rinse slim bootcut jeans (oh how I love them!). I'm no longer hunting for clothes in the way I used to; yes, it's still difficult but nowhere NEAR how painful it used to be. I'm no longer the largest person I know and I can't remember the last time in my life I was able to say that (if I was ever able to say that before!) But as 'comfortable' as I MIGHT be, I am still unhappy. BINGO. There's the motivation factor.

It doesn't matter how comfortable I am, I'm still not happy so I must forge ahead. Head down, nose to the grindstone, keep pushing, keep trying, good God I am so determined to get there to my goal weight/size! But why must this journey get harder, not easier?

I want to welcome all my new followers and thank all you lovely people who posted comments. I have been so MIA but I have been noticing and I'm sending the love right back out there to you. But going MIA is something I do when times get tough. I go inward, I seek answers, a plan of action, a list of priorities, and it always comes from within. I have trouble asking for help, and I'm slowly working on that. But for right now and what I'm dealing with I don't think it has to do with asking for help. I think this is something I have to do for myself.

Because life happens. It's all interdependent. And I'M the one who has to make it work. It doesn't matter how much help I have, I am the one who has to make the choices and take the steps in the right direction. I am the one who has to make the healthy decisions. I am the one who has to do the work. No apologies about being busy, or at work, or studying, or needing to workout, or just being generally MIA; if that's what I need to do, then so be it (see? Selfishness! I'm learning!!) I guess in my very long-winded almost three in the morning post (yeah I know, getting back into a regular sleeping pattern is also one of those things I'm trying to do) all I am trying to say is I'm trying and praying that it is enough.

There is so much happening right now, and I feel like I'm struggling or sinking, but maybe I'm not. Maybe it's called trying. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am demanding a lot from myself & spreading myself a little thin right now so perhaps trying IS the best I can do. Possibly it's all I can give right now. But I know the more aware I become of it, the more I will try and fix it. And that's great too. Even if I slip. Because practice makes perfect. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

See You on the Other Side

This is just a little advanced warning that I will most likely be MIA for the next 1-2 weeks. I will be at least trying to keep up with my Factors for being Fat Free Fridays but I can't make any promises*.

School is getting crazy but I'm loving every minute of it. There are the 20 class hours a week, but quizzes and assignments are multiplying, not to mention finding practice time. If massage was something you could do alone I am sure I would have no problem finding the time to practice (although if it was done solo I am sure it's called something else) but scheduling time with a classmate or friend also eats up precious time. Then there's also the physical exhaustion that comes from massage. My abs are still tingling and my quads are still feeling the affects of holding those squats on Saturday. (Bright side? My abs & quads will be ripped in no time!)

Work is also crazy. Usually it's boring, uneventful, and monotomous (just the way I like it. Otherwise I'd never find the time to study!) But I am getting a pseudo promotion (it's a higher position, but in a different department, hence the 'pseudo' part of it) which means eventually replacing one of my current shifts with one of the new position shifts. No problem. BUT... in the meantime it means doing ALL my current shifts PLUS 2 shifts of training for the new job. Yikes. This all equates to a few 14-hour days, and me having to rely on being a perfect lil angel when it comes to eating right, and trying to get as many steps in as possible because there's no way I can keep my sanity (and get enough sleep!) if I add a full-blown workout to those 14-hour days.

I'm a little scared too because me + theatre + long hours = how I got fat in the first place! I am going to allow myself the extra piece of fruit and/or yogurt if I feel like I need it, because it's a way better choice than running to the 99c pizza slice place on the corner! So if I'm going to add extra calories, I promise they will be filled with nutritious values like protein, fiber, and organic items, and not full of fat & sugar!

So between work, school, studying, practicing, eating right, getting enough sleep (a big challenge for me!!), and doing the mundane things like cleaning, laundry, and keeping my sanity, I am thinking I might not have time to blog. Just sayin'.* I am going to try tweet when I can, and who knows? Maybe I will become WonderWoman and find the time to do it all afterall! Who says we can't have our healthy yogurt parfait and eat it too?

Wish me luck!... See you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter! (and not too exhausted!)


*No offense to my lovely readers or my blog that has been a great source of motivation for me (commitment to writing = commitment to staying on track & succeeding!), but if I can't find time to spend with my guy during the next 1-2 weeks, then I REALLY can't make any promises about how much time I'll spend on here! lol. But you guys know I love you :) Stay tuned, and in the meantime, kick the fitness & healthy diets up a notch, and kick some weigh-in ass!