Days 4 & 5

I was going to skip these days because I was just going to do daily postings when I can, but especially cause they weren't great, it's best that I remain accountable for them.

Day 4

Sweet Success... I drank all my water!!! This is an achievement for a Saturday! I am in class all day and I cannot be running in & out to go to the bathroom constantly (this is usually my issue when I don't drink all my water; it's that I didn't want to or couldn't be running to the bathroom all day long and disrupting the day's activities)

Slowly Striving... Not enough fruit & veg today. This is often an issue for me.

Thoughts... Got in 6,048 steps & drank all my water. It wasn't a great day but far from a disaster either.


Day 5

Sweet Success... Skipped dinner and dessert and had lots of water instead. I know this doesn't seem like a success but read on...

Slowly Striving... Had a non-date date today and told myself a maximum of 2 beers (300 calories. Already way too much) Um, 4 beers & 5 mozzarella sticks later (What's that- 4 beers x 150 calories + 5 mozzarella sticks x a trillion calories?)

Thoughts... CRAP! Well live and learn. Nobody said you can't drink and/or have a life when you're losing weight; but you need to be prepared for slower results. I have been fine with that for far too long. I didn't used to be. I need to get aggressive again. Especially for the next 8 weeks. I feel a blog coming on...

Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

OK. Confession Time.

I don't understand why this has been so hard for me to admit because this blog is anonymous after all. I think I fear the failure as well as the judgment and pity party. But here goes....

You may remember I started this blog when my favourite JC consultant left JC for bigger and better things. At the time I also decided it would be the perfect time to take a little break from the food and gorge myself on summer fresh fruits, vegetables, and salads. I promised myself 4 weeks of eating what I wanted (without going overboard) and seeing if I could do it.

True to my word I returned to JC in September. And the biggest reason I did? I was clueless without it! Now, I know a lot of you will say that I have to learn eventually so you might as well learn now. But I disagree. That does not work for me. It's too much to handle and I know me well enough to know that I need to take baby steps or else I might thrown in the towel. So I need tackle one thing at a time: First I want to get the weight off, then I will work on how to eat to maintain (instead of learning how to eat to lose). In my mind, a slip when I'm already at my desired size is very different to a slip while I'm still trying to get there.

But there's another reason. You may notice my tickers have not been moving. That's because I'm scared to update them. In those 4 weeks away I GAINED 10LBS.

OMG I can barely believe I just admitted that. But it's true. I gained 9.8lbs to be exact. And I NEED to confess in order to progress :)

Because despite being sick and my crazy schedule now that I am back to JC, I am slowly but surely losing again. And I can't track it on here because I'm not being honest about my current weight. So like last Thursday when I was so happy that I lost 1.4lbs? I felt like I couldn't share it because losing 1.4lbs was still 7.4 UP from my original weight for this blog.

But enough of that! It's in the past! Breathe & reboot!

SO! OCTOBER GOAL: Back to 260 (or beyond).

It pains me to say that. But it must be done. It also pains me because it makes my ultimate goal a little harder to reach in the time frame I originally wanted; but like I said previously I still intend on making it eventually, even if it takes ANOTHER 365 days.

And it's more important that I am completely honest. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. After all, too much denial has taken place already. Because I know when I weighed 336lbs I told myself I didn't care and it didn't matter. How I believed that, I'll never know. But one thing's for sure: denial doesn't live here anymore and honesty must, must, MUST exist at all times.

I feel like I should say 5 Hail Marys and then go for a run. But seeing as I'm not overtly religious, I think I'll just go for the run instead.

Start Immediately. No Exceptions.

Why didn't I work out this morning??? Grr!! I am so mad at myself right now!!!

Although I did have a much needed sleep in. I haven't been getting much sleep these days. I'm not too sure what that's about.

Truth be told, I am feeling fat and sloth-like. I need to run! (damn sunburn) I also need to go back to Jenny Craig. This past month has been a refreshing break from it, but now I am ready to get back to the no-brainer diet.

Here's something interesting: when I follow Jenny Craig exactly, I lose weight. Sometimes a lot. If I fudge it, or skip it, or substitute it, etc, the results aren't as great, if there are even results at all! So why do I cheat? I'm not just cheating my diet, I'm cheating me. Am I weak? Am I scared? Why do something so stupid? Definitely all good questions and I don't have a solid answer for it yet. In the meantime, I am determined to follow the program down to the last lettuce leaf if it will in some way get me off this damn plateau!

Part of me wants to say tomorrow is a brand new day. A fresh start. Luckily I read something in my horoscope that I feel can be applied directly here. In fact, it was a quote:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

Well, I think Will is right. Why start tomorrow when I can start immediately? Unfortuantely I am at work until 11pm (Grr! Only adding to my frsutration!) So no brisk walk at dusk, but what I can do is drink this 1.5L bottle of water I have here and eat the yummy salad I just ordered for dinner, bypass the bar on the way home from work, get lots of Zzzz's, and get that walk in first thing tomorrow.

No excuses!

PS. One of the best things about Vegas is the extra incentive and motivation: when I go there next summer, I want to be wearing a bikini! No exceptions.

No Rest For the Wicked

Another week 1 of c25k this morning. It was much easier this time. I think it's because I KNOW I can do it (although you never know... maybe getting fitter might have something to do with it too)

I couldn't help noticing the number of dog owners/walkers and a lot less runners/walkers. I guess cause it's a Saturday. They're all giving themselves a little sleep in. Meanwhile I did the crime so I must do the time!

Yet another reason to stay away from fast food: If I stay away I will let myself sleep in!



PS. I found myself coughing a lot. At first I thought I was having a strange bout of allergies. Then I realized more likely it's my lungs cleaning themselves of gunk. Now that I've quit smoking (today is day 11) they're finally able to cleanse and heal. Both good and gross. But I'm pretty sure exercise is supposed to speed up that whole process too, so it's a good thing all round!

M.I.A. = B.A.D.

Yesterday was crazy. I ate well but felt like a bit of a slug because it was my day off between cardio days. I SHOULD have done some weights, but like I said, crazy! Plus my abs are sore from Tuesday's run.

Which reminds me, does anyone else get that? Sore abs from running I mean? Hey, I'm not complaining, it means they're getting a workout! I'm assuming my legs don't get sore from all those years of dancing but my core has become weak, and as we all know, your core/abs is your powerhouse. I just think it's a little odd that a run for most means sore legs (or just sore all over lol) and for me it means sore abs. Hmm.

Anyway, I remember yesterday missing being on twitter; it keeps me uber focused and almost anxious to go for a walk or eat a carrot or something of that nature.

Last night I ended up having a beer with friends after a long day (and it didn't lead to a cigarette! I am both pleased and very surprised how easy this quit has been!) but it did lead to a quick trip to MacDonald's on my way home! ARGH!!!! BAD!!!! B.A.D!!! As in Burger And Disaster!

I would hate to give this blog so much power (already!) as to say 'I didn't blog therefore I binged' because I think my bad habits and mistakes on this weight loss journey have always been for multiple reasons, and never solely one reason. But I am suspicious, if I blogged yesterday (or at least been on twitter), would the trip to the Golden Arches occured?

I am yet to work out if this is a drinking habit, a end of a long day habit, a 'too long since dinner' thing, it could even be a 'at least it's not a cigarette' type action... or maybe all of the above. At any rate, I am going to crack this nutty habit wide open, and in the meantime, I am staying away from McFATS!!!!


SIDENOTE: To help combat excess calories I have been for my workout in the park this morning and I'm thinking today needs to be a bit of a detox: fruit, veggies, and a few wholegrains.

PS: Eating better and less drinking = complete lightweight now! Seriously, I used to be able to drink most people under the table. now 1-2 beers and I'm all tipsy. What the hell?? That's no fun! Ha! Talk about a cheap date.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The good? I have survived Day 1 of not smoking! Plus I still went to the gym and got in some cardio.

The bad? I am a mess. I need a distraction yet I can't focus on anything long enough for it to really distract me. The nap helped. But I can't nap the whole time!

The ugly? I decided it was OK to have some m&m's because it is better than smoking. Very, Very, VERY bad decision! Now, not only do I feel guilty as hell (they didn't even taste that good!) but I feel a little ill, and I can't even have a cigarette to take away the icky feeling (it usually helps). ARGH!


The solution? I am going for a walk around the block to clear my head. Maybe it will help.

Hanging in there. I know from experience the second 24hours is much worse than the first (Oh Jebus help me!)