Never Ever

I have been feeling a little lost this last week or so. In the moment, things are fine, I'll probably even tell you that I'm happy. Which is true. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm playing catch up right now.

I am letting old habits creep back in. The way things become so 'important' to me that they get all my time and energy and focus and dedication, when really the ONLY thing in my life that should be receiving that type of attention from me constantly right now is ME. Me and my weight loss. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Physically speaking, I am relatively on track. Slips here and there, not quite 100% but far from completely off the wagon. I'm talking mentally. My head isn't in the game. I so desperately want this, but the confidence is lacking.

One of the best books I ever bought was The Sixty Second Motivator*. I pulled it out last night & had a quick flip through it & made some notes in my journal to think about today. It's such a quick read & really helps me understand what motivation is and how to 'easily' find it. But easy is relative. You need a cold, hard dose of reality sometimes in order to find the truth.

But I'm getting a little off track. The biggest thing on my mind this week has been a job interview I had on Monday. I so desperately want this job even though I run the risk of going back to my past life. But as much as I feel I'm lacking in confidence at the moment (I also think I'm standing in my own way right now but I think that's for another post) there is one thing that I, without a doubt, have total confidence in: That I will never go back to my starting weight.

I will never be that heavy again. Ever. That's not a promise. It's a fact.

First of all, it will never happen because I am learning to love myself and love looking after myself. There is some serious self-neglect going on when you get yourself up to 336lbs. But more importantly, the revelation I had this week is that I will never be that weight again because I am a happier person, and am much more honest with myself about what happiness is for me.

After watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu this week & after a few D&Ms with new found friends revealing how much I used to weigh, I have come to a simple conclusion: 15-20lbs overweight is life getting in the way. It's bad habits, it's 'not enough time', it's 'I'm too busy right now'. But 30-40+ lbs overweight? That's emotions.

I know I'm not saying anything new here. But it's a realization that not only is enjoying taking care of myself going to ensure I am never that heavy again, but the simple fact that I will never let myself be that unhappy again. That alone is going to ensure I never return. Will I slack off & let life get too busy on occasion and possibly gain up to 15-20lbs? Unfortunately yes I think so. I have accepted that weight & food will be a constant struggle for me throughout my life. I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, but it's a choice, and one I am willing to accept in exchange for letting life happen, and indulging in it every now and then.

But will I ever become so disconnected with myself, and stop giving myself what I need to feel happy and whole that I gain 30+, 40+, 50+? Never ever again. It's impossible. I am in a very different place these days mentally and especially emotionally. You can't undo being honest with yourself. You can't go back into denial. Or at least I can't. The cat's out of the bag. Emotionally speaking I now know what I want, and what I need. And those are things that are now impossible to ignore.

Which is why my greatest fear right now is not going backwards, but standing still. I suppose that in itself is a great achievement, and yet somehow not. Sure, it's not going backwards, but it's not going forwards either. Am I really so scared my life will change? Won't it change for all the amazing reasons that I dream about? Every time I think I put my finger on one of the major reasons I stand in my own way, it slips away again. But I'm working on it.

As for feeling in control again, it dawned on me late last night that in the past what I have done is taken 2-3 days to get religiously back on track. To cross every T and dot every I. It's just something I do. I block out the world for up to 72 hours (sometimes literally and I'll stay in my apartment the entire time. Yay for workout DVDs!) & I re-emerge completely refocused, remotivated, reenergized, 110% rebooted. it's like my own mini-Biggest-Loser-campus and I love it.

The only bad thing about this is when I have a schedule like I currently do and technically do not have a single day where I am able to do nothing. I have something happening on every single day right now. So I am giving thanks for Thanksgiving, because I will finally have at least 1 whole day of nothingness.

But I'm not sitting around and waiting until then. I need to learn how to do this come rain, hail, or shine. Life happens. So what? I need to learn how to roll with the punches and make it work.

*Here is another of his books that speaks to me a lot. If you like statistics and facts, this is the book for you! It really is no nonsense and makes perfect sense!

Start Immediately. No Exceptions.

Why didn't I work out this morning??? Grr!! I am so mad at myself right now!!!

Although I did have a much needed sleep in. I haven't been getting much sleep these days. I'm not too sure what that's about.

Truth be told, I am feeling fat and sloth-like. I need to run! (damn sunburn) I also need to go back to Jenny Craig. This past month has been a refreshing break from it, but now I am ready to get back to the no-brainer diet.

Here's something interesting: when I follow Jenny Craig exactly, I lose weight. Sometimes a lot. If I fudge it, or skip it, or substitute it, etc, the results aren't as great, if there are even results at all! So why do I cheat? I'm not just cheating my diet, I'm cheating me. Am I weak? Am I scared? Why do something so stupid? Definitely all good questions and I don't have a solid answer for it yet. In the meantime, I am determined to follow the program down to the last lettuce leaf if it will in some way get me off this damn plateau!

Part of me wants to say tomorrow is a brand new day. A fresh start. Luckily I read something in my horoscope that I feel can be applied directly here. In fact, it was a quote:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

Well, I think Will is right. Why start tomorrow when I can start immediately? Unfortuantely I am at work until 11pm (Grr! Only adding to my frsutration!) So no brisk walk at dusk, but what I can do is drink this 1.5L bottle of water I have here and eat the yummy salad I just ordered for dinner, bypass the bar on the way home from work, get lots of Zzzz's, and get that walk in first thing tomorrow.

No excuses!

PS. One of the best things about Vegas is the extra incentive and motivation: when I go there next summer, I want to be wearing a bikini! No exceptions.

Do I Need to Get All Jillian Michaels On My Ass?

Question:

I currently workout 30 minutes a day 6 times a week. That's 3 cardio sessions and 3 weights session on alternating days with one day off a week to rest.

But! I have been doing this for 2 weeks religiously now, and while my muscles are a little sore and are definitely getting a workout, I am not seeing a result on the sclae.

Now, I am the FIRST to say 'Good God girl! Only 2 weeks??? Patience petal, it will happen!!!... Sheesh" however, it got me thinking...

Firstly that usually embarking on a new routine is a shock to the system and therefore some sort of immediate signs of progress while not expected are always nice. But i'm thinking thanks to my typical 5lb weight gain before that time of the month PLUS that I'm quitting smoking is going to make my efforts through exercising take a little longer to show.

Secondly, I am wondering that even if I wasn't bloated up and feeling like a floatation device, and even if I wasn't a recovering nicotine junkie, is 30 minutes 6 times a week enough to see substantial weight loss?

Part of me says yes, because it's always worked in the past. But maybe that's the problem. Whenever I stick with a workout regime it's always been 30min 6x/wk. Do I need to be pushing myself harder?

Especially if my weight is not really going down, could upping the amount of exercise help kick me out of maintainence-meanderings and back into some losing-lovin'?? Or would it do more harm than good?

I remember reading somewhere that Jillian Michaels said if you are serious about losing you need a make a commitment to 60 minutes a day (obviously if you have to break that up, that's fine too) I think it was in her first book , Winning By Losing, that I read that but I'm not positive.

I'm not sure what the right answer is even if there is a 'right' answer. Maybe I just need to push myself harder in general? Maybe just increase the cardio to 45 or 60 minutes a session? Maybe wait till I debloat and see if there's a difference? Hmm... Questions, questions...

Any advice?

Ice Cream Comes In A Package You Know...

I love being with Jenny Craig. Unlike my time with Nutrisystem, I enjoy the foods so much more and can still enjoy carbs in moderation. But after two years of frozen and/or pre-packaged foods, I think my body is screaming for me to take a little hiatus.

That, and it's summer! Who wants to eat hot meals and dig into mac and cheese or lasagne? Not me! It's the time of year that I actually CRAVE fruits and veggies. My wonderful JC consultant told me to go for it! Let's give it a go, see what happens. Write everything down and we'll assess next consult.

So the plan was this: no pre-packaged foods. Nothing Jenny Craig, nor any other diet/frozen/pre-packaged variety. Proteins in moderation (she knows I have a weakness for overdoing my meats! What can I say, I am truly a steak and mash girl at heart!) and assured me that I can graze on vegetables all day long if I want. Immediately, I was both excited and scared by this plan. Excited for something different; scared cause I felt so clueless! I know this was my suggestions, but wait, does this means I have to actually... gulp!.... cook?? I have to THINK and PREPARE meals now?? omg, what the hell was I thinking??.... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

She assured me I'd be fine. Our next appointment was less than a week away, and of course to contact her if I have any questions. Considering the possibilities, I mentioned now I actually get to peruse the grocery store again instead of just being on auto-pilot and picking up stock items. She told me to go wild, have fun with it, "Food is supposed to be fun", just to remember nothing packaged. I paused and thought about that for a second. Then she added "No ice cream. That comes in a package, you know..." HA!

Oh, I love her! She totally gets me and is completely there for me, as well as constantly offering sage advice AND making me laugh (wise words and lots of laughing? Score! She rocks! The only way she could score any higher with me is if she was a good-looking guy who was interested in me) [SIDENOTE: I should mention that the reason my next consult with her is less than a week in between consults is because she is leaving! Booo! She has a new job, and I will be so sad to see her go! I am not sure what I will do without her weekly inspiration but I will leave that potential problem for another post] So straight after my appointment I headed to the grocery store and came home with bags and bags of fresh food feeling armed with nutrition and a fresh perspective!

Only problem is, that was 3 days ago and I still haven't really learned how to cook anything! I seem to be just having a mish-mash of snack type foods, and not actually planning any "meals".

Or is that a problem? Maybe it's not. Maybe nibbling away on veggies, fruit, yogurt, and the occasional crispbread with avocado or tuna salad wrap is how it's supposed to be done? I don't know. For the first time in a long time I am feeling very clueless about my diet. And all because I don't have a daily menu planner written out for me! How silly is that??

Time will tell. My next appointment is on Tuesday evening. And the scale never lies...

Keeping the Faith

Dear Weight Loss Gods,

You have taught me a lot in the past two years. That I must stay strong and determined; I must find a constant source of motivation to keep me committed to seeing this through; that positive thinking more often than not leads to positive results. I am grateful to know these things and employ them whenever I feel down, lost, or falling off track. But perhaps the hardest lesson I have yet to learn is to keep my faith in you.

You see, sometimes, I really do get everything right. I eat the right portions every 2-4 hours. I get in at least 30 minutes of exercise daily. I drink 8 glasses of water a day, sometimes more. Yet my clothes do not feel different, and the scale does not change. Sometimes the scale even goes up! (Is that you testing my faith, or just wanting to see my reaction? Because it might seem amusing to watch me tear my hair out and pace around my apartment like a loony wondering what I did wrong, but I can tell you right now. It's no fun! Trust me, you will get more entertainment out of me if the scale goes down and you watch me scream and shout with glee and do a little happy dance)

And I try to stay positive. And have faith that eating right, exercising, and drinking lots of water is enough. It has to be enough. But time and time again this year you test my faith that this is all it takes. But I am confused because this is all I can do.

Perhaps you think my body needs a little rest. Maybe I overdid it and my muscles need to repair. It could be that you are working with Mother Nature and making me retain water and bloat this week. I am not sure of the answer. I just have to keep faith that you know what you're doing and will reward me soon with a smaller number on the scale and on the tags on my clothes.

Being the control freak that I am, I try to take matters into my own hands. I try to change it up. I try to mess around with it in the hopes that something will move. But it doesn't. (And in another of your cruel jokes, sometimes you even make the numbers go up! Is that your way of telling me I'm wrong? Because a simple slap on the hand would suffice) But truthfully, I am not sure of what I am doing. So I know deep down the best thing to do is to trust you. Calories in versus calories out is the most basic and essential rules of weight loss, so I am trying hard to keep faith in that and in you.

Because you of all people, dear Weight Loss Gods, the ones I pray to daily - sometimes even more than once a day - know that I am not done yet. I am grateful for all the progress we have made together thus far, but I KNOW that I am NOT being greedy when I say I still want more. And I deserve more. I will persevere. I will stay strong. I will find new motivation. I will think positive thoughts. I will stay committed. Why? Because I have faith.

Please don't let me down.

Amen.