Day 9

Sweet Success... I discovered I'm flexible enough to do a standing split again! Flexibility has been something I have been slowly but surely plugging away at. I didn't think I was even close to achieving a standing split until I decided to randomly try to tonight. And it wasn't even a real struggle either! (which makes me wonder how long have I probably been able to do this but hadn't tried to? lol) Next Challenge: get my raised leg higher and more vertical. Also to work on getting the other leg into a standing split otherwise I'll end up all wonky and lop-sided with my strength & flexibility!

Slowly Striving... a slice a pizza tonight. It fit into my calories but not into my food groups. FAIL. I haven't learned how to make healthy choices when I'm with my new friends. And I think the only healthy option there is when all my friends want pizza is to just bring my own healthy food with me! (& just buy a water or a Diet Coke so I don't feel like I'm not a customer!)

Thoughts... I'm stronger and more capable than I think. I've noticed my new bestie, CSB, will roll his eyes at me (in a loving way of course!) and shake his head when I'm shocked I got a good score, or a little too happy that I was able to do something (like give a 60 minute masage. It's harder than you think!) He says in a tone like it's a fact the world knows when he asks me why am I surprised*. So apparently it's obvious to someone that I have only known for a little over 2 months now that I possess the mental & physical strength to achieve so much more than I think I'm capable of. So why can't I see it? It's definitely something to work on. And I wouldn't be surprised if it's a mild case of what they always talk about on The Biggest Loser: you are always raising the bar on what you think you can and cannot do. The fact is that you can do anything. ANYTHING. All you have to do is try.

*CSB always tells me whether it be about school or not that 'it's written in the stars'. As cheesy as it is, I like it. Especially regarding this journey (which I have yet to fully share with him. Not sure if/when I will) I should deserve to believe that it's written in the stars that I will succeed in this journey as well.

Non-Scale Victories are SOOO Much Sweeter!

I'm just going to come straight out with it:

Today I popped into one of these!<<-----------------------------------------

I couldn't believe it! I don't remember when I stopped being able to do a Standing Split but I do remember the last time I was able to do one with no problems. It was around the time when I was still dancing: so around 18 years old. I'm now 27. While my friends tonight were happy for me, no-one could understand why I was SOO excited about this discovery. Because it meant so many things to me, & as much as I love my new friends dearly, that's just it: they're new. They don't know everything about me (yet).

So there I was in massage class, and I always tend to get a little restless in our practical classes. I think it's the yoga pants and t-shirt uniform and being so aware of my body and everyone elses' bodies, it makes me want to dance, jump around, stretch, and just basically be active!

Well tonight we were working on Range of Motion and of course everyone has different ranges and levels of flexibility. Totally understandable and normal; it's what makes you YOU & what trains us to be good Massage Therapists: Understanding that every BODY is different. I mentioned to CSB that I wish I was still flexible enough to do a standing split. He & another friend asked what I meant. So I grabbed my right instep of my foot with my right hand and said "It's when you grab your foot like this, and you try straighten your leg but I haven't been able to do it for years.... See..." I slowly started to demonstrate and it was clear that my right leg just didn't want to straighten while my right hand was holding it. Poop!

Then I had a "What if..." moment and I very slowly bent my left leg (that I was standing on) and tried to straighten my right leg again. All 3 of us were a little surprised when amazingly my right leg straightened! The final test? Could I hold my right leg straight in the air while straightening my left leg?..... YES! YES I CAN!

WOOT! WOOT! SUCCESS!!!

My gf was surprised & happy for me, I was elated, and CSB was surprised too until he rolled his eyes & turned away (I caught him blushing a little! haha... Why is it boys hear "splits" and their mind goes to one place: the gutter?). I released, I did a little happy dance, and then I did it again to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Nope, not a fluke! Did another standing split like it was nothing! It felt like I really achieved something today: for the first time in a while, I felt like I made real progress.

First off, this means I'm getting more flexible again. Working on getting back to doing the splits effortlessly is something I have been slowly working towards. There's something so liberating and almost empowering to be a "big girl" but show that your size has nothing to do with being flexible.

Secondly, I'd like to think I've lost some inches. Depending on what kind of stretch your doing, there are certain things you just can't do no matter how flexible you are because your rolls of fat get in the way! So either I lost a few inches or got uber flexible; possibly a combination of both. Either way, it's win/win.

Lastly, it's something I haven't been able to do since I was a small size 14 and was fit enough to dance in the World Championships. It was very nostalgic for me in a way. It was a big flashback to another time in my life when I was a size and of a fitness level that I was comfortable with and could do all kinds of things that I took for granted. And today, I earned one of those things back. It felt amazing.

I had forgotten how much more rewarding a non-scale achievement is. Sure, seeing certain numbers is enough to make anyone jump and shout, but those non-scale ones can't be forgotten. For me, they are twice as special. Perhaps because they don't seem to happen as frequently. Regardless, they are not just numbers measuring my progress. They are progress you can see & feel & really connect to. Not just a mind game, which the numbers on the scale can be for me at times. I'm not saying it's altogether a a bad thing though (hey there's nothing like walking around knowing you lost x amount of pounds this week!) but there's something about running an extra mile, fitting into a smaller size, or surviving a party and staying perfectly on plan that has more heart to it.

It inspired me that I'm inching closer to a life I used to have: of fitness, strength, flexibility, and body confidence. But more so it inspires my imagination of what those things will actually be in reality and what they will mean to me this time around. No doubt it will be very different. I am sure my body has changed a lot in 10 years, and not just because I put it under the stress of carrying around so much weight. It's exciting to feel like I took a big step towards that today. I took a big step into my past and into my future simultaneously and it felt incredible!

FFFF#5: When I was a Wee Lass...

... I was a competitive Scottish Highland Dancer. No, really! I was!

From 13 glorious years from ages 5-18 my life consisted of 2-3 dance classes a week, practicing in my living room after school, and travelling to many competitions both regionally, nationally, and on one occasion, internationally*.

I only bring this up because what I wouldn't give to do one last competition. To be that fit again. To be that toned and lean again. To have a 'natural' 4 pack again (natural as in I didn't work at it specifically. It just appeared through dancing so often! How cool is that?) To be able to fit back into my costumes (I still have them!) and say I'm back to my old self again.

I know you can't go back in time, and I also know it isn't good to dwell on what used to be. I completely understand that while I might end up back at that same size, this time round may end up being a case of 'same, same, but different.'

But that's OK. Just give me one more chance. One little comeback. Even if the only person in the world that knows and can take supreme pride and joy in the event of a comeback is me.

A huge Factor to be Fat-Free: to fit into my costumes again and dance!

*The World Championships in Cowal, Scotland in 1999 plus other various championships around Scotland for 5 weeks. Got to celebrate my 17th birthday over there too!

PS. As someone who doesn't have DVR or TiVo or a VCR, I am one week behind on my Biggest Loser episodes (but I'm grateful to see them at all! Thanks Hulu!) but I just realized after posting this, that this could totally fit into the 'Second Chances' category. The Biggest Loser always hit home, but maybe this season it might even hit home a little closer than usual.