Try, Try Again

Wow. Things are so crazy. If I was just trying to exist I would be fine, but I am done with that portion of my life. I now want... no! I deserve...no! in fact I will settle for nothing less than... to try to excel at all that I do. (Overachieve much?) I used to think only my career was important. But now I know it's ALL important because it's ALL interdependent. Why? Because it's all connected by this crazy thing called MY LIFE.

So here I am, trying to lose weight & do better because I know I can. I KNOW I know how to pay more attention to my choices. I KNOW I know that it only takes just 10 minutes of activity 3 times a day to be satisfied that you did in fact exercise today. I am also trying to maintain my 3.97 GPA because quite frankly, I have never tried before. I believe I am one of the lucky few that always knew that "grades do not define me as a person" so I never focused on them nor let them get to me or become goals of mine. But I guess wanting the most for yourself in other areas of your life has a tendency to spill into different areas. And now I want to see just exactly what I can do! (I'll be honest, I knew I was smart, I just didn't know if I was 'smart on paper'... who knew?! Look what happens when you try).

And I'm not trying at work (cause honestly it's a paycheck job not a passion project like I am so used to) but work definitely is trying! Everything in my life is trying right now. Whether it be trying my patience or trying to make me a better (lighter!) person. But all I can do is keep trying.

When I set up this blog and wrote in the profile that "I am going to lose" it was because I firmly believe that I will. I was careful in my choice of words. But 'going to' begins with trying.

I am trying to focus solely on 20lbs/1-size-smaller for Christmas. No more bigger picture (for now). Time to micro-manage! Some people throw themselves into new diet and/or exercise plans to keep things fresh & rejuvenated. In my experience that only works as a quick fix for me and ultimately leaves me more frustrated than before. What usually works for me is a mini-goal. But I need to be focused. I need tunnel-vision. I need my blinkers on. That part I have been struggling with. Time to breathe & reboot & make this happen.

I know all the knowledge I need. And I have all the tools at my disposal. Now I just need to execute and follow through. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But tough titties cause it's time to s**t or get off the pot. Seriously!

The biggest thought on my mind today was how exhausted I am. Yes, it's the weather (rainy, darker, colder), and yes it's probably also PMS (I could double as a flotation device right now) but I think it's more than that. This is such a long journey. One that I will never give up on but it's so long and challenging and HARD all the same. I keep wondering why I've been bouncing around the same numbers on the scale for over a year, and I think the simple reason is I'm comfortable. I'm not longer squeezing into a size 25 jeans, I slip quite comfortably into a size 18, and on a good day, I'll squeeze into my size 16 Calvin Klein dark rinse slim bootcut jeans (oh how I love them!). I'm no longer hunting for clothes in the way I used to; yes, it's still difficult but nowhere NEAR how painful it used to be. I'm no longer the largest person I know and I can't remember the last time in my life I was able to say that (if I was ever able to say that before!) But as 'comfortable' as I MIGHT be, I am still unhappy. BINGO. There's the motivation factor.

It doesn't matter how comfortable I am, I'm still not happy so I must forge ahead. Head down, nose to the grindstone, keep pushing, keep trying, good God I am so determined to get there to my goal weight/size! But why must this journey get harder, not easier?

I want to welcome all my new followers and thank all you lovely people who posted comments. I have been so MIA but I have been noticing and I'm sending the love right back out there to you. But going MIA is something I do when times get tough. I go inward, I seek answers, a plan of action, a list of priorities, and it always comes from within. I have trouble asking for help, and I'm slowly working on that. But for right now and what I'm dealing with I don't think it has to do with asking for help. I think this is something I have to do for myself.

Because life happens. It's all interdependent. And I'M the one who has to make it work. It doesn't matter how much help I have, I am the one who has to make the choices and take the steps in the right direction. I am the one who has to make the healthy decisions. I am the one who has to do the work. No apologies about being busy, or at work, or studying, or needing to workout, or just being generally MIA; if that's what I need to do, then so be it (see? Selfishness! I'm learning!!) I guess in my very long-winded almost three in the morning post (yeah I know, getting back into a regular sleeping pattern is also one of those things I'm trying to do) all I am trying to say is I'm trying and praying that it is enough.

There is so much happening right now, and I feel like I'm struggling or sinking, but maybe I'm not. Maybe it's called trying. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am demanding a lot from myself & spreading myself a little thin right now so perhaps trying IS the best I can do. Possibly it's all I can give right now. But I know the more aware I become of it, the more I will try and fix it. And that's great too. Even if I slip. Because practice makes perfect. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

OK. Confession Time.

I don't understand why this has been so hard for me to admit because this blog is anonymous after all. I think I fear the failure as well as the judgment and pity party. But here goes....

You may remember I started this blog when my favourite JC consultant left JC for bigger and better things. At the time I also decided it would be the perfect time to take a little break from the food and gorge myself on summer fresh fruits, vegetables, and salads. I promised myself 4 weeks of eating what I wanted (without going overboard) and seeing if I could do it.

True to my word I returned to JC in September. And the biggest reason I did? I was clueless without it! Now, I know a lot of you will say that I have to learn eventually so you might as well learn now. But I disagree. That does not work for me. It's too much to handle and I know me well enough to know that I need to take baby steps or else I might thrown in the towel. So I need tackle one thing at a time: First I want to get the weight off, then I will work on how to eat to maintain (instead of learning how to eat to lose). In my mind, a slip when I'm already at my desired size is very different to a slip while I'm still trying to get there.

But there's another reason. You may notice my tickers have not been moving. That's because I'm scared to update them. In those 4 weeks away I GAINED 10LBS.

OMG I can barely believe I just admitted that. But it's true. I gained 9.8lbs to be exact. And I NEED to confess in order to progress :)

Because despite being sick and my crazy schedule now that I am back to JC, I am slowly but surely losing again. And I can't track it on here because I'm not being honest about my current weight. So like last Thursday when I was so happy that I lost 1.4lbs? I felt like I couldn't share it because losing 1.4lbs was still 7.4 UP from my original weight for this blog.

But enough of that! It's in the past! Breathe & reboot!

SO! OCTOBER GOAL: Back to 260 (or beyond).

It pains me to say that. But it must be done. It also pains me because it makes my ultimate goal a little harder to reach in the time frame I originally wanted; but like I said previously I still intend on making it eventually, even if it takes ANOTHER 365 days.

And it's more important that I am completely honest. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. After all, too much denial has taken place already. Because I know when I weighed 336lbs I told myself I didn't care and it didn't matter. How I believed that, I'll never know. But one thing's for sure: denial doesn't live here anymore and honesty must, must, MUST exist at all times.

I feel like I should say 5 Hail Marys and then go for a run. But seeing as I'm not overtly religious, I think I'll just go for the run instead.

Is "Struggling" an Ugly Word?

Even though I have only been blogging for about a month now, I have been on this journey since July 2007. When I remind myself that I have been losing or trying to lose for over 2 years, I am a little more forgiving of myself when I see my inspiration and motivation wavering.

But I don't like to admit that I have trouble staying focused. Because in a sense, I don't. Am I happy where I am physically? No. Do I still want the same goals as I did in the beginning? Even more than ever. It's the daily grind, the small stuff that seems to be giving me in the most trouble. But I hate saying I'm struggling; perhaps because it's a form of saying "I need help".

So lately, I have been in search of things to keep me motivated. To stay inspired. Because every little choice is a step closer to my goal. At the moment, I am probably succeeding on about 50% of those tiny daily choices. I need to get that back up to 80% and up.

This blog is one of those things. And it is definitely helping keep my mind on track. And you, lovely readers, were my surprise bonus; you and your blogs inspire me more than I ever could inspire myself on my own.

Typically, I am a very visual person. I think there's a reason I used to scrapbook and journal. Writing entries one day, cutting out images that move and inspire me the next. In one of my random google searches I came across these female athletes:

T-Nation: Figure Athletes

Now, I'll be the first to admit that some of these women have a few too many muscles and veins showing than I would like! But some of them don't. Some are just lean and firm with slight muscle definition. I find images like this so inspiring. To know it really IS possible to look like that.

I know I won't ever look exactly like that. I will look like MY version of that. And you know what? That version will be even better than any of those pics combined!

So I am very excited about aiming for Hawaii for Thanksgiving! I am hoping for a brand new swim suit for then. It may not be a bikini but if it doesn't include a swim skirt or the words "Miraclesuit"* then I'll be one happy camper!

(Failing Hawaii, then I'm going somewhere warm and tropical for Christmas, so either way, I've GOT to get my jiggly big butt in gear!!)

*Not that I don't love MiracleSuits! I would just prefer to be wearing them in a size 8 or 10, not a size 16 or 18!

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

Do I Need to Get All Jillian Michaels On My Ass?

Question:

I currently workout 30 minutes a day 6 times a week. That's 3 cardio sessions and 3 weights session on alternating days with one day off a week to rest.

But! I have been doing this for 2 weeks religiously now, and while my muscles are a little sore and are definitely getting a workout, I am not seeing a result on the sclae.

Now, I am the FIRST to say 'Good God girl! Only 2 weeks??? Patience petal, it will happen!!!... Sheesh" however, it got me thinking...

Firstly that usually embarking on a new routine is a shock to the system and therefore some sort of immediate signs of progress while not expected are always nice. But i'm thinking thanks to my typical 5lb weight gain before that time of the month PLUS that I'm quitting smoking is going to make my efforts through exercising take a little longer to show.

Secondly, I am wondering that even if I wasn't bloated up and feeling like a floatation device, and even if I wasn't a recovering nicotine junkie, is 30 minutes 6 times a week enough to see substantial weight loss?

Part of me says yes, because it's always worked in the past. But maybe that's the problem. Whenever I stick with a workout regime it's always been 30min 6x/wk. Do I need to be pushing myself harder?

Especially if my weight is not really going down, could upping the amount of exercise help kick me out of maintainence-meanderings and back into some losing-lovin'?? Or would it do more harm than good?

I remember reading somewhere that Jillian Michaels said if you are serious about losing you need a make a commitment to 60 minutes a day (obviously if you have to break that up, that's fine too) I think it was in her first book , Winning By Losing, that I read that but I'm not positive.

I'm not sure what the right answer is even if there is a 'right' answer. Maybe I just need to push myself harder in general? Maybe just increase the cardio to 45 or 60 minutes a session? Maybe wait till I debloat and see if there's a difference? Hmm... Questions, questions...

Any advice?

Ice Cream Comes In A Package You Know...

I love being with Jenny Craig. Unlike my time with Nutrisystem, I enjoy the foods so much more and can still enjoy carbs in moderation. But after two years of frozen and/or pre-packaged foods, I think my body is screaming for me to take a little hiatus.

That, and it's summer! Who wants to eat hot meals and dig into mac and cheese or lasagne? Not me! It's the time of year that I actually CRAVE fruits and veggies. My wonderful JC consultant told me to go for it! Let's give it a go, see what happens. Write everything down and we'll assess next consult.

So the plan was this: no pre-packaged foods. Nothing Jenny Craig, nor any other diet/frozen/pre-packaged variety. Proteins in moderation (she knows I have a weakness for overdoing my meats! What can I say, I am truly a steak and mash girl at heart!) and assured me that I can graze on vegetables all day long if I want. Immediately, I was both excited and scared by this plan. Excited for something different; scared cause I felt so clueless! I know this was my suggestions, but wait, does this means I have to actually... gulp!.... cook?? I have to THINK and PREPARE meals now?? omg, what the hell was I thinking??.... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

She assured me I'd be fine. Our next appointment was less than a week away, and of course to contact her if I have any questions. Considering the possibilities, I mentioned now I actually get to peruse the grocery store again instead of just being on auto-pilot and picking up stock items. She told me to go wild, have fun with it, "Food is supposed to be fun", just to remember nothing packaged. I paused and thought about that for a second. Then she added "No ice cream. That comes in a package, you know..." HA!

Oh, I love her! She totally gets me and is completely there for me, as well as constantly offering sage advice AND making me laugh (wise words and lots of laughing? Score! She rocks! The only way she could score any higher with me is if she was a good-looking guy who was interested in me) [SIDENOTE: I should mention that the reason my next consult with her is less than a week in between consults is because she is leaving! Booo! She has a new job, and I will be so sad to see her go! I am not sure what I will do without her weekly inspiration but I will leave that potential problem for another post] So straight after my appointment I headed to the grocery store and came home with bags and bags of fresh food feeling armed with nutrition and a fresh perspective!

Only problem is, that was 3 days ago and I still haven't really learned how to cook anything! I seem to be just having a mish-mash of snack type foods, and not actually planning any "meals".

Or is that a problem? Maybe it's not. Maybe nibbling away on veggies, fruit, yogurt, and the occasional crispbread with avocado or tuna salad wrap is how it's supposed to be done? I don't know. For the first time in a long time I am feeling very clueless about my diet. And all because I don't have a daily menu planner written out for me! How silly is that??

Time will tell. My next appointment is on Tuesday evening. And the scale never lies...