Enabler Schmabler

Maybe it's because most of my friends are male...

Maybe it's because of the female friends I do have, they are all slim to average size...

Maybe it's because I'm a size 18 as opposed to my former size 24/26, so it's "easier" to find women who are a similar size to me...

Who knows? Either way, i am suddenly noticing there are more women who are a similar size to me in my day-to-day life these days. You would think I would enjoy finally being able to relate to people my size. I would have thought so too but I'm finding i'm having a very different problem.

Like most people, they take one look at me, and assume things. But this particular group is assuming a whole bunch of new assumptions that I don't particularly care for to say the least. Partly because i am probably the total opposite of what they are thinking, and second of all but most predominantly & my biggest gripe, they want me to be their ENABLER.

I hate enablers. I am guilty of it, and guilty of wanting them on occasion, but in general, it is a BAD THING.

There are quite a few "bigger girls" at massage school that I've met, and some I've got to know quite well. And they don't seem to care or seem interested in changing the fact that they are bigger. Unlike me, everything at that school makes me want to be smaller. That's their choice and I respect that. So why won't they respect my choice to not be complacent or comfortable with this size?

In our practical massage classes, I don't look at learning a new technique as 'wow, that's painful, I'm doing a minimal amount of that' instead i see it like a challenge. I'm going to need stronger abs? I'll add it to the To-Do list. I'm going to need more stamina and endurance? I'll add it to the To-Do list. None of this 'how can I avoid and/or minimize doing that technique' crap.

Or another perfect example, when we take a break or go on lunch: 'hey, let's get a burger!' No. no, I don't feel like stuffing my face with you just because we were just sweating up a storm and because I'm the same size as you, you assume things about my diet.

Why can't they embrace these healthy changes we are making for our chosen profession? Or at least the fact that Massage Therapists are all about promoting a healthy, balanced lifestyle? Don't they feel the need to practice what they preach? Sigh. But that's an uphill battle. Worse, it's like banging my head against the wall. And above all, they are entitled to their choices.

I of all people know that they will only change when THEY are ready to change.

But in the meantime, I really wish they would leave me out of their 'I hate exercise' and 'let's go eat fatty food' vicious downward spiral.

yep, that's right. I work out. I like to eat right. I will openly admit that I AM NOT HAPPY at this size. I won't shrug it off and look for an alternate solution. If my belly is in my way & is preventing me from doing something (c'mon think about it... how many physical things do you have to 'altar' because of belly fat preventing you from doing it the way healthy-sized people do it?) that's just another motivation for me to ensure the belly flab disappears forever. I will admit when something is just another reason to lose weight, or when something will be much easier when i lose weight. I think the big girls get scared by this. I guess cause I'm leaving them behind. And even though it seems they are in good company, I guess they don't like losing members of The Big Girl Club.

But perhaps formally returning my membership is the only way I will convince them to do the same. Well here it is! I'm officially turning in my 'fat girl for life' badge and RSVP NO to all future Big Girl Club type behavior!

Be Happier

I did a little comparison of some photos of me. It should come at no surprise that unless a photo was taken specifically as a "before" photo, finding photos of me before is actually quite difficult. And if you want to find a full body one from before? Forget it! I never let it happen!

I'm noticing I'm a little more willing to be in photos and a little more willing for it be more than just a head and shoulders shot. But the thing I'm noticing most is that I'm happier.

This is one of those times I wish I wasn't anonymous so I could post them and show you what I'm talking about. But instead I'm going to have to rely on my articulation skills (lucky you guys).

I'll find a 'before' photo and I'll remember the party, or event, etc. and I'm genuinely happy in that photo. I know I am. And there's no reason to suspect otherwise. My eyes are smiling, my teeth are showing, it's not a half smile or anything like that. I'm happy.

Compare that to a photo taken in the last 6 months. I'm HAPPIER. I can't believe it. Maybe it's just a case of facial features being more prominent. Because beside the obvious 60+lbs weight loss, the person in the newer photos is most definitely happier.

My eyes are smiling more. My dimples seem bigger (they probably are). It's like a smile that is beaming. Dare I say, there is even a sparkle (gag!... but it's true) In comparison, the 'before' pic looks dull and lifeless; as if the look is fake. But it's not. Well, perhaps in a sense it was fake because I was clearly unhappy at that size. But in that moment, I knew I was just as happy in the 'before' photo as in the 'progress' photo (it's not an 'after' photo until I'm done!) but yet when comparing the facial expressions they are miles apart. The newer photo looks alive, with a bigger smile, and definitely much happier.

And the camera, like the scale, never lies.

Shake What Your Mama Gave You!

This will be my last apology for not being more consistent with my blogging and tweeting. So: I'm sorry! Truly, I am! And I am apologizing to myself as much as each and every one of you who care to drop by (and who I really love for doing so!).

But I say last because I know I get bored of reading "I'm so sorry!" at the start of every post. I can't help thinking 'Yes, yes, we know, just get to the good stuff already...! I want to hear what's been happening, not how sorry you are!" (Unless you scoffed the remainder of that chocolate cake while standing in front of the fridge door. In which case, yes, be sorry! Shame on you! (Shame on me too. I am sure I have done that at some point too)lol)

Between full time school (yes, I am back at school again, but I'll save that for another post), full time work, and losing weight and getting healthy being a full time job and a half, I am just not finding the time to blog and tweet like I used to! But it's a small sacrifice to ensure I am staying on track. Would I prefer to blog about how I wish I had more time to run, or actually go for a run? You see my point :)

OK, business first. I completed day 1 of week 3 of c25k. WOW! I started out thinking I might not be ready for this but I'm going to give it my all and if I can't do it there is no harm in doing week 2 for another week. Well, I was doing pretty well... until my podcast said "OK, 3 minute run coming up" I'm sorry, WHAT?!? Oh hell... Up until this point runs have been 60-90 sec, and suddenly we're jumping to 3 minutes??? It was in that moment that I realized this might just be more mental then physical. And whaddya know? I was right! I got through it. I even got through the SECOND 3minute running interval. Oy. I am both proud and exhausted just thinking about it.

OK now the fun stuff... I broke in my new nike plus shoes by wearing them around for the day (LOVE!!! I cannot describe how happy I feel when I look down and see new Nikes. I would expect it's the same feeling Carrie Bradshaw feels when she looks down and sees new Manolos) and I decided to complete the look I'd go with some fitted bootleg yoga pants, stretchy cami, and cropped long-sleeve little cardigan sweater (can you believe it got cold so fast?) Anyway, I'm not feeling my hottest, depsite the new shoes. Feeling more sporty and perhaps cute, but definitely like all my lumps and jiggles were on display. But, running late I just had to like it or lump it (pun not intended) because there was no time for a quick costume change!

I get to work, and I got so many compliments that day on how good I looked! What the hell??! So.... let me get this straight: lycra and fitted clothes that expose every piece of blubber, fat, and imperfection make me look good?? But when I wear clothes that are still fitted but gracefully skim my rolls of fat and I think I look good in, no-one says anything. Hmm. Verrrrryy Innnnterrresttingg....

Lesson learned: sometimes you need to trust other people's judgement rather than your own. And sometimes, hiding really IS the worst thing you can do. Sometimes you just need to stand tall and proud, show off your body and be damn proud of it, jiggles and all!



PS. Heard a great story from a new friend about her friend who started doing c25k at 290lbs. She's completed that and now she's training for a half marathon. Oh, and she now weighs 190lbs. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!!! Bring it on! Talk about THINspiration!

Gimme a 1...!!!!

Gimme a 0...!!!
Gimme a 5...!!!
Gimme a I.N.3.6.5...!!!

Sometimes I wonder where this enthusiastic cheerleader comes from. My new-found twitter friends have noticed it. My good friends on the NS boards back in the day would always comment on it too. But why don't I feel like I am that cheerleader that everyone else seems to see?

Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel as though I'm treading water. Except my head is only just above the water, I'm spluttering a little as sometimes I bob under a little, and my muscles are exhausted from treading water for so long only there's no boat, no land, no help in sight. Nothing to do but keep treading. (wow, I really like that analogy... I just came up with that as my fingers typed my 'as they come to me' thoughts.. wow. tres impressed with myself if I do say so myself!)

I am reminded of when my mother gives me "helpful" reminders. 'Just remember you don't want to return to your former size' or 'be careful at that birthday party. Probably best if you skip the cake and wine'. I know she loves me and she's trying to help, but she just isn't helping.

The thing is I think those sorts of thoughts all on my own. I really do not need her help with those. What I need from her is support. And not fake support either since that really isn't her style, or I guess mine either for that matter. But I need her to dwell on the positive because I sure as hell am dwelling on the negative enough for the both of us.

Simple changes like 'Just keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up' or 'Enjoy catching up with all those friends you haven't seen in a while at the birthday party' is all it needs. But this post isn't about my mother (although don't worry, I have had a serious conversation with her about this example mentioned; and I am sure there will be many solely-mum reports in the future)

The point is I do not like to write frequently about how scared I am that this won't work. Or what happens if I don't lose 105lbs in the next year. Or how painfully aware I am how VERY easily I could take one slip (albeit one MASSIVE slip, but nonetheless ,still a slip) and end up back where I started at roughly 336lbs and a size 25 jeans.

So I psych myself up. I cheer myself on. I try get all Jillian Michaels on my a$$. I think about how amazing it will be WHEN I succeed - anything from resisting snacks at the movie theatre to wogging 5k again.

Besides, does Negative Nelly really help anyone (Actually, I'm serious! I would love to hear from anyone who uses Negative Nelly to motivivate them and how/why that works). I am sure remaining positive cheers other people up, and perhaps if I motivate others, then they will motivate me. (Why I can't just motivate myself in the first place I have no idea)

Essentially, I just find it very curious that this is the vibe I give off when it was not my conscious intention at all. Don't get me wrong, Enthusiasm is a great compliment, and I'm so happy to be getting that comment time and time again. I just wonder where it comes from when the majority of the time I'm treading water (refer back to awesome analogy earlier!)

Or maybe this is just a huge case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Because if experience is anything to go by, if I am patient and stick with it... if it talks like a cheerleader, sounds like a cheerleader, and acts like a cheerleader, then maybe eventually I'll actually believe I AM a cheerleader! Afterall, I am my own biggest fan.

And you should be your own biggest fan too!

SIDENOTE: And maybe one day, I'll be the size of a cheerleader too! OK, not of those freskishly teeny, still-hasn't-developed, throw 20ft in the air ones, but maybe one of the "base" ones would be nice.

Start Immediately. No Exceptions.

Why didn't I work out this morning??? Grr!! I am so mad at myself right now!!!

Although I did have a much needed sleep in. I haven't been getting much sleep these days. I'm not too sure what that's about.

Truth be told, I am feeling fat and sloth-like. I need to run! (damn sunburn) I also need to go back to Jenny Craig. This past month has been a refreshing break from it, but now I am ready to get back to the no-brainer diet.

Here's something interesting: when I follow Jenny Craig exactly, I lose weight. Sometimes a lot. If I fudge it, or skip it, or substitute it, etc, the results aren't as great, if there are even results at all! So why do I cheat? I'm not just cheating my diet, I'm cheating me. Am I weak? Am I scared? Why do something so stupid? Definitely all good questions and I don't have a solid answer for it yet. In the meantime, I am determined to follow the program down to the last lettuce leaf if it will in some way get me off this damn plateau!

Part of me wants to say tomorrow is a brand new day. A fresh start. Luckily I read something in my horoscope that I feel can be applied directly here. In fact, it was a quote:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

Well, I think Will is right. Why start tomorrow when I can start immediately? Unfortuantely I am at work until 11pm (Grr! Only adding to my frsutration!) So no brisk walk at dusk, but what I can do is drink this 1.5L bottle of water I have here and eat the yummy salad I just ordered for dinner, bypass the bar on the way home from work, get lots of Zzzz's, and get that walk in first thing tomorrow.

No excuses!

PS. One of the best things about Vegas is the extra incentive and motivation: when I go there next summer, I want to be wearing a bikini! No exceptions.

No Rest For the Wicked

Another week 1 of c25k this morning. It was much easier this time. I think it's because I KNOW I can do it (although you never know... maybe getting fitter might have something to do with it too)

I couldn't help noticing the number of dog owners/walkers and a lot less runners/walkers. I guess cause it's a Saturday. They're all giving themselves a little sleep in. Meanwhile I did the crime so I must do the time!

Yet another reason to stay away from fast food: If I stay away I will let myself sleep in!



PS. I found myself coughing a lot. At first I thought I was having a strange bout of allergies. Then I realized more likely it's my lungs cleaning themselves of gunk. Now that I've quit smoking (today is day 11) they're finally able to cleanse and heal. Both good and gross. But I'm pretty sure exercise is supposed to speed up that whole process too, so it's a good thing all round!

Healthy Decisions are like Rabbits

Once you get two of them, they multiply like crazy!! Haha!

Seriously though, one healthy decision leads to another. I have a looming 27th birthday coming up in less than two weeks and I'm just planning on going out to dinner with friends. Without even thinking, it was just assumed by all - including myself - that we would be having steak. Everyone knows I'm a steak and mash girl!

But with all this added commitment to exercise, and making effort to eat healthy and organic whenever possible, while I'm all about a splurge once in a while, this one just doesn't seem worth it.

Which is surprising cause you would think that a birthday of all things is the perfect excuse to say "It's my birthday and I'll pig out if I want to!"

But nope. Sorry, no, not interested. It will just make me feel fat, guilty, bloated, full, and regretful. And on my birthday no less. Who needs those sorts of feelings? Not me!

So I'm thinking Dim Sum (all steamed of course) or Sushi, or maybe go all class and just hit the Olive Garden in Times Square and go nuts on Soup, Salad, and Breeadsticks.

'Cause that's just the kind of classy girl I am :D

Run With It!

All these thoughts running through my head about running (no pun intended) Where to start?!

First off, I am in an excellent mood! Gotta love that endorphin rush post-workout! Like Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Secondly, my big news! This morning I finally actually ran every single interval to completion for week 1 of the c25k program!! YAY ME! I have been pseudo doing c25k for a while now. I told myself I do not need to complete the program in nine weeks, I can - and should - take my time; and only move up to the next level when I can confidently say that I can complete the level I'm on and still be standing at the end of it.



I say 'pseudo doing c25k' because I have been on week 1 on and off ever since I started which was back on January 1st as a New Years Resolution! (OK, so I did give myself a bit of a deadline: Even though I instructed myself to take my time, I was pretty sure it was feasible to finish by the program by Dec 31 2009!)

Besides starting then stopping then having to start all over again and again (and again), I think it took me so long to get the hang of it because I was running wrong! Which would totally make sense why i couldn't do it before even though it is a program designed for beginners! I think there were two main things I was doing wrong: 1.) going too fast, and 2.) Too much bounce.

I thought about this last night as I was really lamenting my missing workout yesterday. Why do I have so much trouble running? After a little googling and a little 'tortoise and the hare' inspiration, I came up with those two major issues. I was excited for this morning because I was eager to test them out. And sure enough, jogging and staying low to the ground equals completing all intervals successfully!

I won't lie, towards the end of some of the intervals I wanted to die. But I just kept telling myself "JUST KEEP JOGGING". Even if I can WALK faster than I'm jogging (!!!) it doesn't matter. "JUST KEEP JOGGING". I kept wanting to walk an interval, but I kept telling myself 'just one more... just one more...'. Finally, I gave in and actually had made the decision that I am walking the next 'running interval'. But then the little voiceover came on and said it was my second last interval. Oh hell no! There was no way I could walk it now! And throw the towel in? Not be able to say I officially completed it? The end was in sight! I KNEW I could do it! And voila... looks like I did!

The other source of my surge of determination to do this was because I was starting to really question the whole 'you should still be able to have a conversation while working out' thing. You know, how to know if your heart rate is in optimum 'fat burning' mode. But after my little googling session on running, I was presented with a new theory. Our bodies are designed to run.

When it comes down to it our bodies have not evolved that much since the caveman era (that topic is definitely for another post! I could go on and on!). I read somewhere that if you want to lose weight, burn fat, get lean, etc. then run, don't walk. A running body is a lean body. The body is forced to shed unwanted layers of fat. Because it's more "aerodynamic" (hmm, I think I just fell in love with a new word! Say it with me now: "aerodynamic". Lovely) I know this is a very simple concept, but phrasing it in this way has really clicked for me for some reason. 'Running makes you lean'. When really, that is so obvious: have you ever seen a fat runner?

So new new concept is JUST RUN. Screw the 'you should still be able to have a conversation' concept. Run for your life! Be out of breath! Push it hard then push it harder! Suck air in through your eyeballs if you could cause you need it so badly! As Jillian Michaels would say "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

PS. it's so nice to start the day with 'negative' calories. yay for running before breakfast!

SIDENOTE: just a little observation - I no longer need to frantically check the time during my commute. I will get there when I get there. No more 'will there be time for a cigarette before work?' wondering anymore!!!! Talk about liberating. How do smokers not realize they are walking around in their own mini-prison? Attached permanently to a ball and chain of their own making? Ahh... the joys of...

DAY 7 OF BEING SMOKEFREE!!!

Inhale The Fresh Air!

As I was replying to a comment (Thank you again MizFit!) I noticed something when I listed off a little list of my history of quitting smoking...

quit: March-Sep 2008
back on the cancer sticks in Oct 2008
quit: Nov 2008 - March 2009
asking for lung cancer April-July 2009
quit: August 5, 2009... FOR GOOD! :)

Both times when I turned back to smoking, I was unemployed and job hunting (ahh, the joys of freelance, contractual work!). Turns out, I'm a stress smoker!

I'm rather pleased with this little discovery. Although it does mean I have a harder job than the boredom smokers out there. If you smoke out of boredom, you just need something to keep you busy, a quick little task, anything, until the craving subsides. But stress? How do you handle that? (Evidently I am better at curing the boredom blues than the stress jitters)

I think the best stress less/overcome a craving technique for me in general is 'breathe and reboot'. Take 5 deep breaths and clear your mind. Then do it again. Keep doing it until you've calmed down & can see the bigger picture (or at least have removed yourself one step back from the immediate picture)

Of course a one hour deep tissue massage never goes astray either.

What's your best stress buster technique?

Why I Blog

I've noticed a few 'why I blog' posts floating around, and I think when it comes to weight loss it's a team effort. So move on over and make some space, I'm jumping on the bandwagon!

My Top 3 Reasons of Why I Blog (in no particular order):
-- One of the major differences between my mindset at the beginning (when I was losing a lot) and my mindset lately (losing and gaining the same 5lbs/basically maintaining) is that in the beginning my goal was constantly on the forefront of my mind each day. I am hoping a project such as this blog will help bring my focus back to my goals daily. And not just in a 'yeah, yeah... I'm on it...' kind of way. But in a real 'Dream. Believe. Create. Succeed.' kind of way.
-- I used to keep a scrapbook journal and would put things in it daily. They could be written entries, lists, clippings, images or words that inspire me, writing lessons learned and rewards earned, anything at all! Again, it kept me very focused but somewhere along the way it fell by the wayside. I am hoping this blog will turn into the tech-savvy version of the same thing.
-- A place to be accountable because it's out there for the world to see, and be completely honest about everything, because really I'm just cheating myself by not doing so. But you'd be surprised how much you don't want to admit you caved and had that cupcake... or how your 'workout' for the day was just walking from your apartment building to the subway, and from the subway to work, and back again. (I do realize with the anonymous factor, I'm not being "completely" honest. I know when I get more and more comfortable with this I will undoubtedly reveal more and more; perhaps even eventually removing the anonymity factor... we shall see)

Plus any weight loss success statistics will tell you writing things down has a proven success rate over those who don't. And who doesn't want to have the advantage?

positive thinking = positive results

...But not always in the way you might think.

Today I was running a little late for work (Bag dilemmas. I am still learning how to carry around all my food for the day plus everything else I need/usually carry without carting around two bags, or one bag the size of a baby hippo)

I'm waiting for the subway and I go into my usual train of thought (pun intended). Just then the subway pulls up and it is the typical NYC rush hour sardine situation. I couldn't do anything but rolls my eyes and smile. There was no way anyone else was fitting in that subway car (even if they were a size 0). Thinking 'great, now I have to catch the next one and be even later for work'. Then Real Me steps in: 'No! Chances are another one will come along any minute, it will be much less full, & you'll probably end up on the express platform waiting with all the people on the sardine train people anyway. So just enjoy the time & keep thinking about your Hope List'.

Since Real Me seems to be on a winning streak, I didn't argue and just did as I was told. And less than two minutes later, Real Me was proved right once again when a basically empty local train pulled up to the platform. Hurrah for being positive! It really does put you in a much better mood.

To all you pessimists or realists out there (I am a self-proclaimed realist. I really do believe there is a difference between realists and pessimists. I can't help it if we usually end up at the same conclusion though. Blame reality, not me) Give it a go. Throw some positive thoughts out there (and mean it when you do!) and see what the universe gives you back in return.

My other little observation for today is that I am much chirpier in the morning if I've worked out. First of all, I am fully awake before getting to work (rather than still working on finishing my cup of coffee), and because of that plus the workout, I am much more likely to say good morning and greet people and 1.) actually mean it, and 2.) with a big smile to match. I don't know if it brightens their day or not (if they haven't had their coffee or worked out that morning maybe it doesn't) but it sure as hell brightens mine.

And at the very least it makes you more likeable. And who doesn't want to be liked?

It's like Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."