My Favourite Kind of Reboot

I am a social loner. I love being social, but I can very easily go off and do my own thing. Sometimes I am defiant about it, most times though it comes very naturally to me. I think it's the latter that worries, scares, or confuses people. But when I'm confident about something people's opinions rarely matter to me.

I felt the need to blog today because it feels like forever since I have. Then I saw that my last post was Sunday - hardly 'forever' ago. But that tells me that much has happened, and indeed it has. Mentally and emotionally.

I am recharged. Refreshed. In control (oh, that last one has to be my favourite!). I spent Thursday and Friday completely alone in my little NYC apartment and absolutely adored every minute of it. Saturday and Sunday I worked, but I didn't mind. I was still in my own little world taking a little mental stay-cation.

I always talk about breathe and reboot. It's something that has always worked for me; it's my way of re-centering myself. But the only way I truly know how to do it is to strip back all the details of my life for at least 24 hours and get back to basics. No commitments, no obligations, no errands, nothing. However my life has been so crazy that I've been having to fudge my reboots and work with what I have given, which has been disappointing as well as frustrating.

By getting rid of all distractions, I can focus on me and what I want and what is important. This goal. Period. By reassessing my determination for this goal and the reasons I still want it so very much, I start crossing every T and doting every I, and I start to feel that feeling of control over my path again. I start really enjoying and getting truly excited about this journey again. Not from a novelty or fleeting moment; but from true inspiration that I am able to shape my own future and that control is truly within my grasp.

I'm babbling a bit but my point is I am so uber on track right now it's almost silly. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and I rarely say it, but also spiritually. But I'm not taking it for granted. It's still very fragile and I need to stay focused on it to turn in into a habit. If "It takes 21 days to create a habit" then I have a way to go yet. But I'm not deterred. With every decision, and every day, the healthy decisions get easier and the bad ones lose their weight and importance.

Damn it's nice to have control again.

PS. You should see my journal: scribbles over every inch of every page since Thursday and even spilling into the spaces from earlier in the week; Love it!

I hate realizations like this...

OK. Once again, here is something I realized a few days ago and it's so shameful it didn't even occur to me to blog about it. But here goes:

Deep breath....


One year ago (11/19/2008 to be exact) I was 20lbs lighter.

SAY WHAT?!

Yep, in the space of a year I've gained 20lbs. I know, that can't be right!!! Can it?! Wait, what? Can you please repeat that?! No wait, don't. I don't want to hear it again. I've been trying to LOSE, so how (THE F***) did I GAIN?!?!

Well, before I continue let me just say that I am the same size which is one of the huge factors in not realizing 20lbs "snuck up" on me. Which also means I probably gained some muscle in the last year in order to be the same size but weigh more.

But reasoning/excuses aside, yes, I got to 84lbs down. I almost got out of the 250's (when oh when will I be closer to 200 than 300???). Looking back at it like this makes me want to cry at the same time as throw my fist through a wall. I am angry and disappointed at myself and the situations life has thrown at me in the last 12 months. But then I just get even madder at myself. Because I am in control of it, or lost control more like. It is MY responsibility. MY choices. ME. Blaming circumstance is avoiding the real issue which is me. What the hell happened?!

That's why I started this blog. I had become a yo-yo weigher. I don't believe I am a yo-yo dieter in the traditional sense of the word. I'm not changing diets, I just seem to be a really slow learner & keep falling off the wagon (wow, denial much?) but regardless of what you want to call it, the proof is on the scale:

The end of July I was back down.
The end of August I was back up.
The end of September I was back down a little.
Mid-October I was down; by the end of the month I was back up.
November has been up & only started to go down this past week.

EW, GROSS!

Sometimes I need a cold hard dose of a reality check like this. To see it in writing. To confess. I think it scares me straight. I get so digusted I am propelled into action.

Hmph...

Wow, re-reading my weigh in numbers again. I am sick of losing and gaining the same friggin' 15lbs over and over AND OVER AND OVER!!! ARGH!

I would love to sit here & tell you that it's because I started school again. And because I quit smoking. And a million other perfectly acceptable, valid reasons but I refuse to state them because it's bulls**t. Yep, you heard me. I will not let myself get away with it that easily.

I made choices that I'm not proud of, and not being proud of my choices stops right here & now.

Never Ever

I have been feeling a little lost this last week or so. In the moment, things are fine, I'll probably even tell you that I'm happy. Which is true. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm playing catch up right now.

I am letting old habits creep back in. The way things become so 'important' to me that they get all my time and energy and focus and dedication, when really the ONLY thing in my life that should be receiving that type of attention from me constantly right now is ME. Me and my weight loss. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Physically speaking, I am relatively on track. Slips here and there, not quite 100% but far from completely off the wagon. I'm talking mentally. My head isn't in the game. I so desperately want this, but the confidence is lacking.

One of the best books I ever bought was The Sixty Second Motivator*. I pulled it out last night & had a quick flip through it & made some notes in my journal to think about today. It's such a quick read & really helps me understand what motivation is and how to 'easily' find it. But easy is relative. You need a cold, hard dose of reality sometimes in order to find the truth.

But I'm getting a little off track. The biggest thing on my mind this week has been a job interview I had on Monday. I so desperately want this job even though I run the risk of going back to my past life. But as much as I feel I'm lacking in confidence at the moment (I also think I'm standing in my own way right now but I think that's for another post) there is one thing that I, without a doubt, have total confidence in: That I will never go back to my starting weight.

I will never be that heavy again. Ever. That's not a promise. It's a fact.

First of all, it will never happen because I am learning to love myself and love looking after myself. There is some serious self-neglect going on when you get yourself up to 336lbs. But more importantly, the revelation I had this week is that I will never be that weight again because I am a happier person, and am much more honest with myself about what happiness is for me.

After watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu this week & after a few D&Ms with new found friends revealing how much I used to weigh, I have come to a simple conclusion: 15-20lbs overweight is life getting in the way. It's bad habits, it's 'not enough time', it's 'I'm too busy right now'. But 30-40+ lbs overweight? That's emotions.

I know I'm not saying anything new here. But it's a realization that not only is enjoying taking care of myself going to ensure I am never that heavy again, but the simple fact that I will never let myself be that unhappy again. That alone is going to ensure I never return. Will I slack off & let life get too busy on occasion and possibly gain up to 15-20lbs? Unfortunately yes I think so. I have accepted that weight & food will be a constant struggle for me throughout my life. I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, but it's a choice, and one I am willing to accept in exchange for letting life happen, and indulging in it every now and then.

But will I ever become so disconnected with myself, and stop giving myself what I need to feel happy and whole that I gain 30+, 40+, 50+? Never ever again. It's impossible. I am in a very different place these days mentally and especially emotionally. You can't undo being honest with yourself. You can't go back into denial. Or at least I can't. The cat's out of the bag. Emotionally speaking I now know what I want, and what I need. And those are things that are now impossible to ignore.

Which is why my greatest fear right now is not going backwards, but standing still. I suppose that in itself is a great achievement, and yet somehow not. Sure, it's not going backwards, but it's not going forwards either. Am I really so scared my life will change? Won't it change for all the amazing reasons that I dream about? Every time I think I put my finger on one of the major reasons I stand in my own way, it slips away again. But I'm working on it.

As for feeling in control again, it dawned on me late last night that in the past what I have done is taken 2-3 days to get religiously back on track. To cross every T and dot every I. It's just something I do. I block out the world for up to 72 hours (sometimes literally and I'll stay in my apartment the entire time. Yay for workout DVDs!) & I re-emerge completely refocused, remotivated, reenergized, 110% rebooted. it's like my own mini-Biggest-Loser-campus and I love it.

The only bad thing about this is when I have a schedule like I currently do and technically do not have a single day where I am able to do nothing. I have something happening on every single day right now. So I am giving thanks for Thanksgiving, because I will finally have at least 1 whole day of nothingness.

But I'm not sitting around and waiting until then. I need to learn how to do this come rain, hail, or shine. Life happens. So what? I need to learn how to roll with the punches and make it work.

*Here is another of his books that speaks to me a lot. If you like statistics and facts, this is the book for you! It really is no nonsense and makes perfect sense!

Try, Try Again

Wow. Things are so crazy. If I was just trying to exist I would be fine, but I am done with that portion of my life. I now want... no! I deserve...no! in fact I will settle for nothing less than... to try to excel at all that I do. (Overachieve much?) I used to think only my career was important. But now I know it's ALL important because it's ALL interdependent. Why? Because it's all connected by this crazy thing called MY LIFE.

So here I am, trying to lose weight & do better because I know I can. I KNOW I know how to pay more attention to my choices. I KNOW I know that it only takes just 10 minutes of activity 3 times a day to be satisfied that you did in fact exercise today. I am also trying to maintain my 3.97 GPA because quite frankly, I have never tried before. I believe I am one of the lucky few that always knew that "grades do not define me as a person" so I never focused on them nor let them get to me or become goals of mine. But I guess wanting the most for yourself in other areas of your life has a tendency to spill into different areas. And now I want to see just exactly what I can do! (I'll be honest, I knew I was smart, I just didn't know if I was 'smart on paper'... who knew?! Look what happens when you try).

And I'm not trying at work (cause honestly it's a paycheck job not a passion project like I am so used to) but work definitely is trying! Everything in my life is trying right now. Whether it be trying my patience or trying to make me a better (lighter!) person. But all I can do is keep trying.

When I set up this blog and wrote in the profile that "I am going to lose" it was because I firmly believe that I will. I was careful in my choice of words. But 'going to' begins with trying.

I am trying to focus solely on 20lbs/1-size-smaller for Christmas. No more bigger picture (for now). Time to micro-manage! Some people throw themselves into new diet and/or exercise plans to keep things fresh & rejuvenated. In my experience that only works as a quick fix for me and ultimately leaves me more frustrated than before. What usually works for me is a mini-goal. But I need to be focused. I need tunnel-vision. I need my blinkers on. That part I have been struggling with. Time to breathe & reboot & make this happen.

I know all the knowledge I need. And I have all the tools at my disposal. Now I just need to execute and follow through. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But tough titties cause it's time to s**t or get off the pot. Seriously!

The biggest thought on my mind today was how exhausted I am. Yes, it's the weather (rainy, darker, colder), and yes it's probably also PMS (I could double as a flotation device right now) but I think it's more than that. This is such a long journey. One that I will never give up on but it's so long and challenging and HARD all the same. I keep wondering why I've been bouncing around the same numbers on the scale for over a year, and I think the simple reason is I'm comfortable. I'm not longer squeezing into a size 25 jeans, I slip quite comfortably into a size 18, and on a good day, I'll squeeze into my size 16 Calvin Klein dark rinse slim bootcut jeans (oh how I love them!). I'm no longer hunting for clothes in the way I used to; yes, it's still difficult but nowhere NEAR how painful it used to be. I'm no longer the largest person I know and I can't remember the last time in my life I was able to say that (if I was ever able to say that before!) But as 'comfortable' as I MIGHT be, I am still unhappy. BINGO. There's the motivation factor.

It doesn't matter how comfortable I am, I'm still not happy so I must forge ahead. Head down, nose to the grindstone, keep pushing, keep trying, good God I am so determined to get there to my goal weight/size! But why must this journey get harder, not easier?

I want to welcome all my new followers and thank all you lovely people who posted comments. I have been so MIA but I have been noticing and I'm sending the love right back out there to you. But going MIA is something I do when times get tough. I go inward, I seek answers, a plan of action, a list of priorities, and it always comes from within. I have trouble asking for help, and I'm slowly working on that. But for right now and what I'm dealing with I don't think it has to do with asking for help. I think this is something I have to do for myself.

Because life happens. It's all interdependent. And I'M the one who has to make it work. It doesn't matter how much help I have, I am the one who has to make the choices and take the steps in the right direction. I am the one who has to make the healthy decisions. I am the one who has to do the work. No apologies about being busy, or at work, or studying, or needing to workout, or just being generally MIA; if that's what I need to do, then so be it (see? Selfishness! I'm learning!!) I guess in my very long-winded almost three in the morning post (yeah I know, getting back into a regular sleeping pattern is also one of those things I'm trying to do) all I am trying to say is I'm trying and praying that it is enough.

There is so much happening right now, and I feel like I'm struggling or sinking, but maybe I'm not. Maybe it's called trying. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am demanding a lot from myself & spreading myself a little thin right now so perhaps trying IS the best I can do. Possibly it's all I can give right now. But I know the more aware I become of it, the more I will try and fix it. And that's great too. Even if I slip. Because practice makes perfect. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

A Weight Lifted

I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted, and I am extremely surprised that I feel this way.

After 16 months, the guy I was seeing called it off. His comments over the past month or so, and definitely in the last week were leading in the direction of wanting a fresh start, and I thought that he was telling me this because he wanted me to be part of this 'new chapter' of his life. Alas, it was the other way around. He was just having trouble saying the part about wanting me NOT to be a part of it. On Thursday I was a mess; I suspected what he was trying to say, but he was still being vague. I couldn't focus, I was shaking with a mixture of mental & emotional exhaustion and nervous energy. I got home and balled my eyes out, I needed the release. And I will admit, I haven't slept so well in a very long time.

Early this morning (Friday) he contacted me again and I forced him to give me a yes or a no: Does he want me in his life? When he answered with "I don't want anyone in my life right now" (pfft! Still not an answer!) it may not have been a yes or a no, but it clarified where I stood with him. But very surprisingly, my initial feeling was relief.

Here I was ready to fight for this guy, talk through all this and work it out but the second I heard him 'fess up and start being really clear, I knew he was right. Things had run their course. And you know what? For once I don't regret a single thing. He taught me a lot & he will always be special to me.

They say "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I have never believed that more than I do right now.

I wish him all the best, and for the first time ever, I really DO hope we can be friends at some point in the future. For the first time ever I do not want him to be 'Dead To Me'.

As for me and how I'm coping? Like I said, surprisingly relief is the majority of what I'm feeling. Also disappointment and missing him a little already but mostly I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Which is definitely a good thing. To me it means that it is mutual. And an even better thing: There is no ice cream in sight. Instead, the opposite. I feel like I can now focus entirely on me and my weight loss.

I am so happy that my reaction to this is to use the time I used to spend with him or think about him, I will now be using to focus on and think about me. This may just be a reaction and some sort of coping mechanism. But hey, if it keeps the running shoes on and keeps me out of the Ben & Jerry's aisle then I'm going to run with it! (pun intended)

And even better yet, I lost 2.2lbs this past week which is a great loss for me. Something may be coming to an end so that he start a brand new chapter in his life. But the heart of the matter is, it's time for me to start a whole new chapter as well. And that's a very exciting development. As much as I am feeling disappointed and a little blue, I am also feeling empowered and brave. It's an unexpected pleasant feeling out of what could have been a drama-filled, emotionally overloaded situation.

So a very emotionally exhausting week for me. I thought it was going to be all bad, and this week completely surprised me as did my emotions and reactions, and turned out to be all good!

“What's meant to be will always find a way.”

- Trisha Yearwood

PS. I realize I have put much more personal detail in this post than I usually would, and of course feel free to comment on it, but unless I really feel compelled to do otherwise, I will only respond to weight loss portions of the comments. Thanks for understanding!

PPS. I am thinking this is just a coincidence but I am noticing I lose more weight and am more focused on weight loss when I do not have a steady guy in my life. But that is a topic best left for another post.

Back To It!

I'm not feeling quite ready to post, but I think that's even MORE of a reason I should!

Why Am I not ready to post? Because I'm not quite back into my healthy routine. But maybe blogging comes first, not last. Maybe this will help refocus me, get my butt to the grocery store and my hands back on those weights.

I had a lovely time in Las Vegas. I absolutely love it there and find myself searching the Vegas job ads and the real estate market each time I return home. I love New York but it's like I'm having a sordid love affair with Sin City on the side. It's OK though... the Big Apple knows about it and we're cool.

But now I'm back and that means now it's back to it! Up off your big butt, put down that mimosa and WORK IT!

Unfortunately what happens in Vegas doesn't quite stay in Vegas... I got sunburnt on my back quite badly and it's making working out - specifically interval running (my favourite!!!) - really difficult. I hear myself say that, I catch myself thinking it, and it sounds like it's just Fat Me talking so Real Me steps in: 'pfft! What a load of crap! You're making excuses! Get out there and run that a$$ off!'

Then I try put on my crossback sports bra (with or without the weight problem, my girls need the support! Especially while running!) and I yelp in pain! My back doesn't even want clothes on it let alone a regular bra, and most certainly not my sports bra! Humph. Fooey! I'm a little lost for alternatives right now, which isn't helping to get me uber back on track and back into the game.

On the bright side? My eating was pretty good while I was away. I didn't splurge or go nuts and watched my portions (could have used more veggie servings though) and despite my drinking and being surrounded by cigarette smoke at the casinos, at the pool, well basically everywhere(!), I did not feel the need to smoke. It didn't gross me out, it didn't give me cravings or make my mouth water. I was just indifferent; a little put off by the smoke (like most non-smokers are - woohoo! Does that make me closer to being one of them??) but other than that - nothing. It's both great and slightly eerie how easy this quit has been... it's really like my body AND my mind were both 100% ready to quit at the exact same time.

Down side? I drank. A lot. (you didn't think I was going to acknowledge that I just said that above, did ya?) Well there's all my extra calories right there! (and then some, probably!) And maybe it would have been ok if it was the occasional light beer or a smart glass of wine with dinner. But oh no! This is me in Vegas!! Come on now! Give me some credit. And hey, I was on vacation, right? For my birthday. Hmm...

(Had a quiet little birthday dinner with a few close friends when I got back. Again, watched the portions and only had 1 slice of cake, not 3)

But I gotta say, I love anywhere where I can order a long island iced tea before noon without judgement. (just please take my phone away from me. Drunk texting and/or dailing is never a pretty thing)

Inhale The Fresh Air!

As I was replying to a comment (Thank you again MizFit!) I noticed something when I listed off a little list of my history of quitting smoking...

quit: March-Sep 2008
back on the cancer sticks in Oct 2008
quit: Nov 2008 - March 2009
asking for lung cancer April-July 2009
quit: August 5, 2009... FOR GOOD! :)

Both times when I turned back to smoking, I was unemployed and job hunting (ahh, the joys of freelance, contractual work!). Turns out, I'm a stress smoker!

I'm rather pleased with this little discovery. Although it does mean I have a harder job than the boredom smokers out there. If you smoke out of boredom, you just need something to keep you busy, a quick little task, anything, until the craving subsides. But stress? How do you handle that? (Evidently I am better at curing the boredom blues than the stress jitters)

I think the best stress less/overcome a craving technique for me in general is 'breathe and reboot'. Take 5 deep breaths and clear your mind. Then do it again. Keep doing it until you've calmed down & can see the bigger picture (or at least have removed yourself one step back from the immediate picture)

Of course a one hour deep tissue massage never goes astray either.

What's your best stress buster technique?

Every Day is a Fresh Start!

Quitting smoking + PMS = BINGE HELL!!!!

I have had a lazy day or so. Quitting smoking has sucked the energy right out of me. All I have felt capable of doing is sleeping and eating and staring at the wall. I managed to pull it together a little more yesterday as I finally got to see my guy again (with both of us so crazy busy and opposite schedules in 'distant' locations (ie. different boroughs haha) it's like being in a long distance relationship in a way. Neither of us seem to mind though, in fact it actually works really well, but that's for another post) which put me in a much better mood in general. But the best part is it also kicked my butt back into gear! Can't get slack now! Gotta keep at it!

So! New day = New Start! Woke up a little later than I would have liked but still got 20 minutes of running in. Instead of the gym, I went to the park today which is actually nice at 7am on a Saturday. No screaming kids or dogs galore, just a whole bunch of runners and walkers and the occasional fattie also trying to shed some weight(*raises hand* ooh! ooh! right here! that'd be me!) I love that little knowing nod or smile you give each other; you both know why you're out there.



Haven't had breakfast yet but going to fix that right now... yogurt and fresh fruit... YUM!

Yep, today is off to a good start. Don't you just love how every day really can be a fresh new beginning!?! (OK, coffee + boy time + exercise = waaay too chipper! I'm even getting annoyed by me! haha)

NOTE TO SELF: I'm still learning to stay on track, but the good news is I'm dusting myself off and getting back on the weight loss wagon much sooner every time... and spending less time laying in the dirt whining that I fell off again.

Welcoming Withdrawals

The day has finally come for me to quit smoking.

Again.

I am a cold turkey believer. Once you get the the first 1-3 days out of the way the nicotine is out of your system and it really does get much easier after that. Besides, you're already AT your goal! How can you not love that?? You've already stopped smoking! You're not still feeding yourself with tiny doses of nicotine whether it be through the patch or gum or even gradually cutting back on cigarettes. YOU ARE KEEPING YOUR BODY IN A STATE OF WITHDRAWAL YOU CRAZY PEOPLE! YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF! YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF WITHDRAWALS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON HEALING!!!

Ahem, sorry about that. Flares in my temper are actually one of the smaller symptoms for me. Mostly I am just extremely tired (because nicotine is a stimulant) and really hungry (because I want the hand-to-mouth action as well as my blood sugar levels are probably dropping and/or going haywire). So I am a little concerned what this might to do my diet in the short term. Even though long term I know this is the best thing for me.

So this long-winded babble is an apology in advance. So I'm sorry. I don't know what I'll be like in the next 3 days. If I'm around at all (Inability to concentrate is another lovely withdrawal symptom of mine.)

THREE DAY PLAN OF ACTION:
1.) Do not smoke
2.) Lots of water, fresh fruit and veggies
3.) deep breaths, relax, I can do this!
4.) Sleep if I need to, my body is trying to heal afterall :)
5.) Replace cravings with exercise. Go for a walk and clear my head. Hell, it's the best '3 for the price of 1' deal:
              i.) Walking/exercise to distract me from the craving
              ii.) the exercise will help offset any quit smoking weight gain (from no longer having the stimulant to speed up your metabolism)
              iii.) more exercise might even equal more weight loss



OK. Deep breath. Here we go!!!



PS: This is my 4th quit in the last 18 months. Everyone's quit is different, and I can even vouch that even the same individual can have different experiences for different quits. The above are facts that pertain to ME. If you're looking for some cold turkey info though, please visit www.whyquit.com. In my opinion, it is the best site out there. (Although please feel free to recommend other cold turkey sites, I'd love to hear about them!)

SIDENOTE: Non-smokers giving quit smoking advice bugs the CRAP out of me. If you've never had a nicotine addiction, I do not want to hear your opinion nor advice on the matter. If you must get involved politely offer your support and leave it at that. You trying to offer advice or tell me about your friends' sister's husband's quit, just makes me want a cigarette more because you are pissing me off. I realize you're trying to help, but you can't. So just stop. Please. I beg you.

DID YOU KNOW? Studies have shown that nicotine just might be more addictive than cocaine or heroin.

Ice Cream Comes In A Package You Know...

I love being with Jenny Craig. Unlike my time with Nutrisystem, I enjoy the foods so much more and can still enjoy carbs in moderation. But after two years of frozen and/or pre-packaged foods, I think my body is screaming for me to take a little hiatus.

That, and it's summer! Who wants to eat hot meals and dig into mac and cheese or lasagne? Not me! It's the time of year that I actually CRAVE fruits and veggies. My wonderful JC consultant told me to go for it! Let's give it a go, see what happens. Write everything down and we'll assess next consult.

So the plan was this: no pre-packaged foods. Nothing Jenny Craig, nor any other diet/frozen/pre-packaged variety. Proteins in moderation (she knows I have a weakness for overdoing my meats! What can I say, I am truly a steak and mash girl at heart!) and assured me that I can graze on vegetables all day long if I want. Immediately, I was both excited and scared by this plan. Excited for something different; scared cause I felt so clueless! I know this was my suggestions, but wait, does this means I have to actually... gulp!.... cook?? I have to THINK and PREPARE meals now?? omg, what the hell was I thinking??.... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

She assured me I'd be fine. Our next appointment was less than a week away, and of course to contact her if I have any questions. Considering the possibilities, I mentioned now I actually get to peruse the grocery store again instead of just being on auto-pilot and picking up stock items. She told me to go wild, have fun with it, "Food is supposed to be fun", just to remember nothing packaged. I paused and thought about that for a second. Then she added "No ice cream. That comes in a package, you know..." HA!

Oh, I love her! She totally gets me and is completely there for me, as well as constantly offering sage advice AND making me laugh (wise words and lots of laughing? Score! She rocks! The only way she could score any higher with me is if she was a good-looking guy who was interested in me) [SIDENOTE: I should mention that the reason my next consult with her is less than a week in between consults is because she is leaving! Booo! She has a new job, and I will be so sad to see her go! I am not sure what I will do without her weekly inspiration but I will leave that potential problem for another post] So straight after my appointment I headed to the grocery store and came home with bags and bags of fresh food feeling armed with nutrition and a fresh perspective!

Only problem is, that was 3 days ago and I still haven't really learned how to cook anything! I seem to be just having a mish-mash of snack type foods, and not actually planning any "meals".

Or is that a problem? Maybe it's not. Maybe nibbling away on veggies, fruit, yogurt, and the occasional crispbread with avocado or tuna salad wrap is how it's supposed to be done? I don't know. For the first time in a long time I am feeling very clueless about my diet. And all because I don't have a daily menu planner written out for me! How silly is that??

Time will tell. My next appointment is on Tuesday evening. And the scale never lies...

Here We Go!

As I woke up this morning and went about my morning routine, I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed more accountability as I continue along this sometimes treacherous, but always rewarding, weight loss journey of mine.

When I was with Nutrisystem, I had my online friends and the message boards to keep me accountable. Currently at Jenny Craig, I have my ever-supportive consultant whom I love to pieces, but will be leaving the center for another job soon (that's for another post). While I plan on continuing on with Jenny Craig, I can't help feeling I need more accountability. I need to be held responsible. Hell, I need someone there 24/7 because let's face it, this journey IS a 24/7 commitment.

The only person who can be there for me that often is me. So here I am. Ready to throw my fears, accomplishments, successes, and faults into the deep, dark, cyber void.

I don't claim to know it all (even though after 10+ years of dieting it may seem on occasion like I think I do!), but I do know what works for ME. At least, I'm trying to ensure that I really DO know what works best for me. All I know is I have been fully committed to this goal for two years now, and ultimately have plateaued for the past year.

That needs to change...

Starting right now!