Things That Go Bump In The Night

Confession time! I'm a midnight munchie eater.

And I don't mean the late night munchies in front of the TV kind. I mean the middle of the night kind. The kind where you wake up, eat, and go back to sleep. Talk about unhealthy!

It's almost scary how long I've been doing this and not really questioning it. That is to say, i do question it, and i know there's something up with that, but i'm surprised and a little shocked that i haven't mentioned it yet (because i KNOW I've done it more times than i care to remember since starting this blog). Wow, denial much?

In fact! There are times a couple of years back where it would feel like I WOKE UP in front of the refrigerator! No, not curled up on the floor in front of it, I mean standing in front of it with my hand on the door holding it open staring into it (as you do when you are searching for answers and not really searching for food). It was a little scary because I think I slept-walked or was half asleep when I would do it. On those occasions I remember either blinking a few times & realizing what I was doing or as if I was coming to after staring into space... only that the space I was staring into was the fridge!

But I digress, because that isn't the case at the moment. In the times I've done this in the past few months I say it's one of or a combination of the following things (and they are probably in this order too)

1.) aftermath of my diet from that day.
Whether I didn't eat all my food or whether I ate off plan & now my blood sugar is spiking/dropping, I think this is the major reason I usually wake up in the middle of the night craving food. Either I'm starving, or I'm looking for a quick hit to 'fix' the cravings.

2.) I'm thirsty.
I think if I kept more accurate records of when I had the midnight munchies (and I plan to from now on!) I bet they often happened the night of a day where I didn't have all my water. It's amazing how often my body, well it's me really, cannot tell the difference between hunger and thirst.

3.) Bad habits die hard.
This could just be a bad habit that was years in the making and now I have to undo it. What makes it even harder is apparently I'm half-asleep or maybe even asleep when I start to do it so how can you be "conscious" of your decisions if you're not even conscious! Good God, 'sleep-eating'... I think that's the worst scenario ever!

The Fix:
I am thinking that if I eat on plan (ie. healthy foods, & nothing that makes my energy spike and drop like crazy) and drink lots and lots of water then the only reason I should need to get up in the middle of the night will be to pee not to eat. Plus! if I get exercise back into my daily routine that should will make me sleep better & deeper and the chances of getting up are less likely. Hopefully all of the above will offset the bad habit and then I can conquer this nasty habit once and for all!

You know, it feels good (but shameful) to admit all of this, but this is what this journey is all about. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I promised myself when I started this blog as much as I am my own cheerleader it's important not to overlook the ugly. I'll just have to keep The Ugly Duckling in mind!

So,...
confession? Check!
Plan of Attack? Check!
Execution of plan? Hrm, here comes the tricky part...

But you have to be uncomfortable to grow. As much as this journey sometimes sucks, the results are ALWAYS worth it. I need to keep that in mind more often.

Never Ever

I have been feeling a little lost this last week or so. In the moment, things are fine, I'll probably even tell you that I'm happy. Which is true. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm playing catch up right now.

I am letting old habits creep back in. The way things become so 'important' to me that they get all my time and energy and focus and dedication, when really the ONLY thing in my life that should be receiving that type of attention from me constantly right now is ME. Me and my weight loss. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Physically speaking, I am relatively on track. Slips here and there, not quite 100% but far from completely off the wagon. I'm talking mentally. My head isn't in the game. I so desperately want this, but the confidence is lacking.

One of the best books I ever bought was The Sixty Second Motivator*. I pulled it out last night & had a quick flip through it & made some notes in my journal to think about today. It's such a quick read & really helps me understand what motivation is and how to 'easily' find it. But easy is relative. You need a cold, hard dose of reality sometimes in order to find the truth.

But I'm getting a little off track. The biggest thing on my mind this week has been a job interview I had on Monday. I so desperately want this job even though I run the risk of going back to my past life. But as much as I feel I'm lacking in confidence at the moment (I also think I'm standing in my own way right now but I think that's for another post) there is one thing that I, without a doubt, have total confidence in: That I will never go back to my starting weight.

I will never be that heavy again. Ever. That's not a promise. It's a fact.

First of all, it will never happen because I am learning to love myself and love looking after myself. There is some serious self-neglect going on when you get yourself up to 336lbs. But more importantly, the revelation I had this week is that I will never be that weight again because I am a happier person, and am much more honest with myself about what happiness is for me.

After watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu this week & after a few D&Ms with new found friends revealing how much I used to weigh, I have come to a simple conclusion: 15-20lbs overweight is life getting in the way. It's bad habits, it's 'not enough time', it's 'I'm too busy right now'. But 30-40+ lbs overweight? That's emotions.

I know I'm not saying anything new here. But it's a realization that not only is enjoying taking care of myself going to ensure I am never that heavy again, but the simple fact that I will never let myself be that unhappy again. That alone is going to ensure I never return. Will I slack off & let life get too busy on occasion and possibly gain up to 15-20lbs? Unfortunately yes I think so. I have accepted that weight & food will be a constant struggle for me throughout my life. I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, but it's a choice, and one I am willing to accept in exchange for letting life happen, and indulging in it every now and then.

But will I ever become so disconnected with myself, and stop giving myself what I need to feel happy and whole that I gain 30+, 40+, 50+? Never ever again. It's impossible. I am in a very different place these days mentally and especially emotionally. You can't undo being honest with yourself. You can't go back into denial. Or at least I can't. The cat's out of the bag. Emotionally speaking I now know what I want, and what I need. And those are things that are now impossible to ignore.

Which is why my greatest fear right now is not going backwards, but standing still. I suppose that in itself is a great achievement, and yet somehow not. Sure, it's not going backwards, but it's not going forwards either. Am I really so scared my life will change? Won't it change for all the amazing reasons that I dream about? Every time I think I put my finger on one of the major reasons I stand in my own way, it slips away again. But I'm working on it.

As for feeling in control again, it dawned on me late last night that in the past what I have done is taken 2-3 days to get religiously back on track. To cross every T and dot every I. It's just something I do. I block out the world for up to 72 hours (sometimes literally and I'll stay in my apartment the entire time. Yay for workout DVDs!) & I re-emerge completely refocused, remotivated, reenergized, 110% rebooted. it's like my own mini-Biggest-Loser-campus and I love it.

The only bad thing about this is when I have a schedule like I currently do and technically do not have a single day where I am able to do nothing. I have something happening on every single day right now. So I am giving thanks for Thanksgiving, because I will finally have at least 1 whole day of nothingness.

But I'm not sitting around and waiting until then. I need to learn how to do this come rain, hail, or shine. Life happens. So what? I need to learn how to roll with the punches and make it work.

*Here is another of his books that speaks to me a lot. If you like statistics and facts, this is the book for you! It really is no nonsense and makes perfect sense!

Oh Yeah? Make Me!

I didn't go for my run this morning, I got an extra hour of sleep instead.

And for once, I'm not beating myself up about it (well, not completely anyway). Evidently I needed the extra hour of sleep.

I'm tired, cranky, crabby, bloated, and defensive for no reason. I'm just thankful this isn't a 'lighting quick temper' month or a 'burst into tears over my pen falling off the desk' month.

Part of me is disappointed because I was going to move on to week 2 of c25k this morning. But Running-Me can suck it... er, um, I mean... 'But alas, it will have to wait until next workout'.

...It's just one of those days.

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

M.I.A. = B.A.D.

Yesterday was crazy. I ate well but felt like a bit of a slug because it was my day off between cardio days. I SHOULD have done some weights, but like I said, crazy! Plus my abs are sore from Tuesday's run.

Which reminds me, does anyone else get that? Sore abs from running I mean? Hey, I'm not complaining, it means they're getting a workout! I'm assuming my legs don't get sore from all those years of dancing but my core has become weak, and as we all know, your core/abs is your powerhouse. I just think it's a little odd that a run for most means sore legs (or just sore all over lol) and for me it means sore abs. Hmm.

Anyway, I remember yesterday missing being on twitter; it keeps me uber focused and almost anxious to go for a walk or eat a carrot or something of that nature.

Last night I ended up having a beer with friends after a long day (and it didn't lead to a cigarette! I am both pleased and very surprised how easy this quit has been!) but it did lead to a quick trip to MacDonald's on my way home! ARGH!!!! BAD!!!! B.A.D!!! As in Burger And Disaster!

I would hate to give this blog so much power (already!) as to say 'I didn't blog therefore I binged' because I think my bad habits and mistakes on this weight loss journey have always been for multiple reasons, and never solely one reason. But I am suspicious, if I blogged yesterday (or at least been on twitter), would the trip to the Golden Arches occured?

I am yet to work out if this is a drinking habit, a end of a long day habit, a 'too long since dinner' thing, it could even be a 'at least it's not a cigarette' type action... or maybe all of the above. At any rate, I am going to crack this nutty habit wide open, and in the meantime, I am staying away from McFATS!!!!


SIDENOTE: To help combat excess calories I have been for my workout in the park this morning and I'm thinking today needs to be a bit of a detox: fruit, veggies, and a few wholegrains.

PS: Eating better and less drinking = complete lightweight now! Seriously, I used to be able to drink most people under the table. now 1-2 beers and I'm all tipsy. What the hell?? That's no fun! Ha! Talk about a cheap date.

Being Broken

There's good news and there's bad news. I'm of the school of belief that you 'rip off the band-aid' straight away with the bad news, then soothe the pain with the good news.

So the bad news? I'm broken. Which is my guy's way of saying it's that girly time of the month (haha... Some find it offensive, I find it hilarious and very cute) So even though I woke up early (545am - look at me go! Take that old version of me who used to sleep till noon!) it was more because of cramps & the need to roll around in pain rather than my alarm going off and telling me it's time to hit the gym. Sigh. So no gym and a world of pain. This blows.

The good news? I'm broken. Haha, as any other weight loss chicka will agree, it's a double-edged sword. This means I finally finally de-bloat and as if magically drop pounds almost instantaneously. And there is a fingers crossed moment where I hope the de-bloating will not only reveal my actual weight, but a lovely weight loss that has been hiding for the past 7-10 days.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Habits to Create: I actually missed having my AM workout today! What a pleasant surprise!

Habits to Hate: That I might have used being broken as an little bit of an excuse not to workout. C'mon... I could have at least gone for a walk. Probably would have even helped with the cramps!


That's it for now. Someone please pass the Advil...