The Subway Just Got a Little Sweeter

... or unsweetened as the case may be.

I saw a story on NY1 this morning and I have to admit, I am in full support of this!

Not only does it make for more interesting reading on the subway for me (like the poster with a list of calories in certain beverages; I just know I am going to end up memorizing that list during my daily commute), but because it's totally true! New Yorkers, generally speaking, do not have the healthiest diet.

In fact, just the other day I was chatting with a girlfriend who commented how it would be easier to lose weight in New York because you have to walk everywhere (hell, with all the stairs in this city it's like New York has a built-in StairMaster). While this is also a case of 'grass is greener' (I would totally love to live in FL where she is and be surrounded by warm weather and beach bodies constantly!) I've also noticed how unhealthy the food choices are in New York.

We eat on the run, we buy a slice for 99c, and don't even get me started on the inexpensiveness and convenience of street meat vendors (I have never eaten street meat nor do I intend to, but damn their stuff smells good sometimes!).

I liken this to chain restaurants and bigger food companies that are now required to list calories next to their menu items. Horrifying? Sometimes. But helpful? You better believe it!

Now when I do go out to eat the numbers I'm scanning are calories, not prices. And I'm loving it.

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

Gimme a 1...!!!!

Gimme a 0...!!!
Gimme a 5...!!!
Gimme a I.N.3.6.5...!!!

Sometimes I wonder where this enthusiastic cheerleader comes from. My new-found twitter friends have noticed it. My good friends on the NS boards back in the day would always comment on it too. But why don't I feel like I am that cheerleader that everyone else seems to see?

Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel as though I'm treading water. Except my head is only just above the water, I'm spluttering a little as sometimes I bob under a little, and my muscles are exhausted from treading water for so long only there's no boat, no land, no help in sight. Nothing to do but keep treading. (wow, I really like that analogy... I just came up with that as my fingers typed my 'as they come to me' thoughts.. wow. tres impressed with myself if I do say so myself!)

I am reminded of when my mother gives me "helpful" reminders. 'Just remember you don't want to return to your former size' or 'be careful at that birthday party. Probably best if you skip the cake and wine'. I know she loves me and she's trying to help, but she just isn't helping.

The thing is I think those sorts of thoughts all on my own. I really do not need her help with those. What I need from her is support. And not fake support either since that really isn't her style, or I guess mine either for that matter. But I need her to dwell on the positive because I sure as hell am dwelling on the negative enough for the both of us.

Simple changes like 'Just keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up' or 'Enjoy catching up with all those friends you haven't seen in a while at the birthday party' is all it needs. But this post isn't about my mother (although don't worry, I have had a serious conversation with her about this example mentioned; and I am sure there will be many solely-mum reports in the future)

The point is I do not like to write frequently about how scared I am that this won't work. Or what happens if I don't lose 105lbs in the next year. Or how painfully aware I am how VERY easily I could take one slip (albeit one MASSIVE slip, but nonetheless ,still a slip) and end up back where I started at roughly 336lbs and a size 25 jeans.

So I psych myself up. I cheer myself on. I try get all Jillian Michaels on my a$$. I think about how amazing it will be WHEN I succeed - anything from resisting snacks at the movie theatre to wogging 5k again.

Besides, does Negative Nelly really help anyone (Actually, I'm serious! I would love to hear from anyone who uses Negative Nelly to motivivate them and how/why that works). I am sure remaining positive cheers other people up, and perhaps if I motivate others, then they will motivate me. (Why I can't just motivate myself in the first place I have no idea)

Essentially, I just find it very curious that this is the vibe I give off when it was not my conscious intention at all. Don't get me wrong, Enthusiasm is a great compliment, and I'm so happy to be getting that comment time and time again. I just wonder where it comes from when the majority of the time I'm treading water (refer back to awesome analogy earlier!)

Or maybe this is just a huge case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Because if experience is anything to go by, if I am patient and stick with it... if it talks like a cheerleader, sounds like a cheerleader, and acts like a cheerleader, then maybe eventually I'll actually believe I AM a cheerleader! Afterall, I am my own biggest fan.

And you should be your own biggest fan too!

SIDENOTE: And maybe one day, I'll be the size of a cheerleader too! OK, not of those freskishly teeny, still-hasn't-developed, throw 20ft in the air ones, but maybe one of the "base" ones would be nice.

positive thinking = positive results

...But not always in the way you might think.

Today I was running a little late for work (Bag dilemmas. I am still learning how to carry around all my food for the day plus everything else I need/usually carry without carting around two bags, or one bag the size of a baby hippo)

I'm waiting for the subway and I go into my usual train of thought (pun intended). Just then the subway pulls up and it is the typical NYC rush hour sardine situation. I couldn't do anything but rolls my eyes and smile. There was no way anyone else was fitting in that subway car (even if they were a size 0). Thinking 'great, now I have to catch the next one and be even later for work'. Then Real Me steps in: 'No! Chances are another one will come along any minute, it will be much less full, & you'll probably end up on the express platform waiting with all the people on the sardine train people anyway. So just enjoy the time & keep thinking about your Hope List'.

Since Real Me seems to be on a winning streak, I didn't argue and just did as I was told. And less than two minutes later, Real Me was proved right once again when a basically empty local train pulled up to the platform. Hurrah for being positive! It really does put you in a much better mood.

To all you pessimists or realists out there (I am a self-proclaimed realist. I really do believe there is a difference between realists and pessimists. I can't help it if we usually end up at the same conclusion though. Blame reality, not me) Give it a go. Throw some positive thoughts out there (and mean it when you do!) and see what the universe gives you back in return.

My other little observation for today is that I am much chirpier in the morning if I've worked out. First of all, I am fully awake before getting to work (rather than still working on finishing my cup of coffee), and because of that plus the workout, I am much more likely to say good morning and greet people and 1.) actually mean it, and 2.) with a big smile to match. I don't know if it brightens their day or not (if they haven't had their coffee or worked out that morning maybe it doesn't) but it sure as hell brightens mine.

And at the very least it makes you more likeable. And who doesn't want to be liked?

It's like Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."