It's Just A Number

I feel like I should explain something. 105lbs is just a number to me.

I would love to lose 105lbs and weigh 155lbs at the end of all this. In fact, according to all those height/weight proportion charts, 155lbs is even heavy for my height (I'm 5'3). But I call bullshit on those charts cause I have been a size 8 both at 135lbs & 175lbs; I consider myself one of the lucky few learning first hand how muscle really does weigh more than fat (and I was definitely healthier and fitter at 175lbs than at 135lbs!)

I know I must have lost a lot of muscle mass since those uber fit days, but I also know that I am consistently around 50lbs heavier than other women the same dress size as me. I have even had it confirmed by two different (very honest!) parties who informed me I looked like I weigh 170-180, maybe 190 tops, but "definitely under 200lbs". Hmm. Such a compliment (hey, I'll take it!) but I find it curious all the same.

But the days of weighing between 135-175lbs was a long time ago. And I've been overweight for so long that I'm not sure what to expect on when this is all over. So losing 105lbs is more of an idea - a goal SIZE rather than a goal weight. I wanted to clarify that before we head into this journey any further. For my own sanity and to ease the pressure.

What pressure you may ask? The pressure that I am so scared I won't make this goal. It very unnerving to declare to the world this monstrous goal and not follow through. Well, I guess the term I'm looking for is not succeeding at this goal. Because I AM following through. I just don't know if I'll make it in the time given.

But that's usually when I want to slap myself up the back side of my head. Because it's not about WHEN it happens, it's about THAT it happens. And it is happening. Slowly, but surely, one choice and one day at a time.

Besides which, when I imagine and daydream about my goal (which I try do at least once daily because it keeps me focused), I don't ever imagine the day I step on the scale and seeing a number. I picture the way I feel and look doing the daily mundane things as well as picturing a special event or two. But never a scale.

I'd use clothing sizes exclusively to measure instead except that it's a more general, obtuse way to measure. A scale is more accurate and measures in smaller increments. It's just a number. A device I use to measure my progress. That's all there is to it.

So here's to losing "105lbs" in however long it takes!*


*don't worry, I'm still aiming for next August! ;)