Sunday, August 30, 2009

I want to thank my fellow nominees...

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly believe this! I feel so lucky! And this award - it's so shiny and svelte! Oh, thank you again! It's just so unexpected! I didn't even have a speech prepared! I just want everyone to know that even in my wildest dreams of blogging, I never would have imagined that this could ever happen to me. And to the other super-amazing nominees, I want each of you to know how totally wonderful your jealousy makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take a minute and think about how great my experiences have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special.

You know, there are so many inspiring poeple and losers to thank! First off though, I want to thank the Marie over at, who looked deep within her heart before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem, for being such powerful forces in my journey thus far. And to Mum and Dad, who inspire me and taught me to never give up on your dreams. And finally, to all my readers and twitter friends - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

(*Speech provided by Academy Award Acceptance Speech Generator and has been modified for this blog.)

Hahaha! But in all seriousness, thank you Marie for bestowing upon me this lovely award! Her blog has fast become one of my favourites in the short time I have been blogging. Go on, check it out if you haven't already... I know you're curious! Click here.... I'll wait for you to come back...

Amazing, right?

So now I need to list 15 brilliant blogs, and you should absolutely check these out too!

and last but not least, some cakey goodness! oh, and don't worry, it's not a complete drool fest. In fact, some are such wrecks you'll think you're done with cakes forev.... well, for a while.

Quote It

Like most people, I love a good quote.

The ones I treasure most are the ones that provoke an instant 'Yes!' response when I finish reading them.

Some are complex, some are simple. But what they all have in common is they hit something deep in me that make me believe I can do anything.

This one is definitely 'less is more' but I love it anyway.

“Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”

- Anonymous

Back in the Game!

Alarm goes off.
I turn it off.
I contemplate going back to sleep.
Wait, I am experiencing déjà vu.
This happened yesterday morning, & I remember how mad and upset I was at myself.
Not again.
Not today.

Success! Up and out the door at 630am to get my wog on! I feel great!
Most of all, I'm excited about my next workout. I finally feel ready to move on to week 2 of c25k. Watch this space...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I want my discipline back!

There isn't go to be much structure to this post, but I have a lot running through my mind and feel the need to throw it out there...

Please note: I highly suspect PMS is the driving force behind the need to write this post. Read into that what you will. Just please consider yourself warned!

-- Where has my resolve gone? i seem to be weakening diet-wise. Where once upon a time I would say absolutely no to alcohol (extra calories plus can lead to intoxicated decisions) and wouldn't dream of sugary desserts, I now find myself negotiating, compromising... giving in...

-- Why is it much easier to jump on the diet band wagon for me than the exercise one? The crazy thing is, it's the EXERCISE habit for me that really lines up everything else. I can be 100% with my diet and all other things potter along. When I get into the exercising zone, I eat better because my metabolism is working faster plus I don't WANT to put junk in my body even if I am craving it, I sleep better, I ultimately FEEL better and happier. Or maybe that's why it's the hardest wagon to jump on and stay there (for me anyway). Maybe for me, it's the ultimate key to unlocking the "mystery" of how I will succeed on this journey.

-- I really want a flat belly. Flat bellies and bikinis seems to be ruling my wants for this journey at the moment. It used to be to be healthier and to just not have as hard a time finding clothes (and not having to spend as much on them either). But now I am obsessed with my belly. My gut. I want it gone. Removed. Non-existent. Banished. I almost wouldn't even care if the rest of me stayed the same size but if I had a flat stomach, life would be pretty sweet.

-- I seem to be much more critical, and much more repulsed for that matter, by my body now than I was 76lbs ago. While everything is definitely smaller, it all seems to hang, or jiggle, or not sit where it should, or have dimples where it shouldn't.

-- On a personal note (and I don't generally like going there!) I have been seeing someone for over a year now (don't get excited, he's not my boyfriend... maybe one day he will be. Or maybe not. But giving you the full 411 on that takes time and explaining, so if you don't mind I'll save that for another day!) and it's obvious this guy is into me and chances are he's not going anywhere. Hell, he'll even tell me how hot I am, or how sexy I am.... So then why do I not believe him??? Why do doubts and my 'fat fears' come at the strangest times? And the silliest thing is, if things were going to end because I'm a fattie, wouldn't they have ended by now?! Yes, yes they would have! But they haven't! So man up girl, the guy likes ya!

-- today is Day 25 without cigarettes. I am still shocked how little I crave or think about them. Am feeling confident but still with caution. No need to get too cocky when cancer sticks are involved.

-- I am amused that on this journey everything has shrunk except my boobs. Sure they were the first thing to shrink... but only a little. Now everything else is shrinking and they seem to be staying the same! What gives?? I'm sort of pleased... but not if I end up at my goal size and they still haven't shrunk at all! Talk about a pain in the butt having to walk around as a living breathing barbie doll (pick those jaws up from the floor boys, it's not polite to stare). Not to mention a pain in the back from all that extra weight!

-- I hate being poor. Poor means compromising on some things when it comes to eating healthy (eating healthy is actually quite expensive comparatively to eating junk!). It also means no gym membership. While these days I do actually prefer to run in the park, it means the weather can dictate my workout schedule. And isn't this journey meant to be all about seizing control (I know, I know, I can't go up against the weather LOL. I'm just sayin'...)

DISCLAIMER: Due to suspected PMS, I cannot be held responsible for any comments just stated.

Gimme a 1...!!!!

Gimme a 0...!!!
Gimme a 5...!!!
Gimme a I.N.3.6.5...!!!

Sometimes I wonder where this enthusiastic cheerleader comes from. My new-found twitter friends have noticed it. My good friends on the NS boards back in the day would always comment on it too. But why don't I feel like I am that cheerleader that everyone else seems to see?

Truthfully, most of the time these days I feel as though I'm treading water. Except my head is only just above the water, I'm spluttering a little as sometimes I bob under a little, and my muscles are exhausted from treading water for so long only there's no boat, no land, no help in sight. Nothing to do but keep treading. (wow, I really like that analogy... I just came up with that as my fingers typed my 'as they come to me' thoughts.. wow. tres impressed with myself if I do say so myself!)

I am reminded of when my mother gives me "helpful" reminders. 'Just remember you don't want to return to your former size' or 'be careful at that birthday party. Probably best if you skip the cake and wine'. I know she loves me and she's trying to help, but she just isn't helping.

The thing is I think those sorts of thoughts all on my own. I really do not need her help with those. What I need from her is support. And not fake support either since that really isn't her style, or I guess mine either for that matter. But I need her to dwell on the positive because I sure as hell am dwelling on the negative enough for the both of us.

Simple changes like 'Just keep doing what you're doing. The scale will catch up' or 'Enjoy catching up with all those friends you haven't seen in a while at the birthday party' is all it needs. But this post isn't about my mother (although don't worry, I have had a serious conversation with her about this example mentioned; and I am sure there will be many solely-mum reports in the future)

The point is I do not like to write frequently about how scared I am that this won't work. Or what happens if I don't lose 105lbs in the next year. Or how painfully aware I am how VERY easily I could take one slip (albeit one MASSIVE slip, but nonetheless ,still a slip) and end up back where I started at roughly 336lbs and a size 25 jeans.

So I psych myself up. I cheer myself on. I try get all Jillian Michaels on my a$$. I think about how amazing it will be WHEN I succeed - anything from resisting snacks at the movie theatre to wogging 5k again.

Besides, does Negative Nelly really help anyone (Actually, I'm serious! I would love to hear from anyone who uses Negative Nelly to motivivate them and how/why that works). I am sure remaining positive cheers other people up, and perhaps if I motivate others, then they will motivate me. (Why I can't just motivate myself in the first place I have no idea)

Essentially, I just find it very curious that this is the vibe I give off when it was not my conscious intention at all. Don't get me wrong, Enthusiasm is a great compliment, and I'm so happy to be getting that comment time and time again. I just wonder where it comes from when the majority of the time I'm treading water (refer back to awesome analogy earlier!)

Or maybe this is just a huge case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

Because if experience is anything to go by, if I am patient and stick with it... if it talks like a cheerleader, sounds like a cheerleader, and acts like a cheerleader, then maybe eventually I'll actually believe I AM a cheerleader! Afterall, I am my own biggest fan.

And you should be your own biggest fan too!

SIDENOTE: And maybe one day, I'll be the size of a cheerleader too! OK, not of those freskishly teeny, still-hasn't-developed, throw 20ft in the air ones, but maybe one of the "base" ones would be nice.

Friday, August 28, 2009


Welcome to the first edition of Factors for being Fat Free Friday!
("Reasons to be Fat Free Friday" or "RFFF" isn't quite the same as "FFFF" so groan at the title is you must, but then get over it and work with me here people!)

There are some vital habits you should create in order to make your goals are reality. Constantly reminding yourself of your goals is one of them. There are various lists you can do make to do this:

-- All the reasons you want to lose weight
-- All the things you look forward to when you are at your goal weight/size
-- All the things you look forward to leaving behind
-- Goals you have created for yourself, both big and small
-- the rewards you plan to indulge yourself in as you hit certain milestones

... to name a few. Some people prefer pictures and images and scrapbooking than words too (works for me except it's more effort. And this works just as well and I'm more likely to stick with it, so... "K.I.S.S." (Keep It Simple Stupid))

SO! I think every Friday I should list a few factors that keep me motivated, and remind me why I am doing this.

The beauty of this is also how endless this list can be. And how it is completely natural for your goals and ideas to shift over time. It will be interesting to see how these change.

This week's list...
1.) Not having to scan clothing racks for size and THEN choosing style.
2.) When looking at a booth, a airplane or theatre seat, trying to get on/off the subway during rush hour, crowd-weaving, etc. not looking at a space and wondering "will I fit in/through that space?"
3.) Constantly primping my clothes to ensure belly/butt/boobs, etc. are covered and look as flattering as they can at their size.
4.) Stemming off #3, I look forward to sitting down and not having to primp and pull my clothes out from being caught in between my rolls of fat.
5.) Having no choice but to wear pants/shorts on days that are warm or days when I know I will be doing a lot of walking because my thighs rub together.
6.) Being nervous about reaching for anything high up above my head because my flubber of a belly might be exposed during said reach.
7.) Getting my hair done at the salon and not spending any time studying how round my face is or how many chins at different angles I have
8.) Not having to subtly check the weight limit of items before getting on them (ladders, scooters, hammocks, etc.)
9.) Ordering or eating a dessert with no fear of judgment from anyone
10.) Having no fear of 'one size fits all' or 'one size fits most' or aprons or belts or those paper gowns at the doctor's office.

And my #1 motivating factor to be fat free this week is :

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Start Immediately. No Exceptions.

Why didn't I work out this morning??? Grr!! I am so mad at myself right now!!!

Although I did have a much needed sleep in. I haven't been getting much sleep these days. I'm not too sure what that's about.

Truth be told, I am feeling fat and sloth-like. I need to run! (damn sunburn) I also need to go back to Jenny Craig. This past month has been a refreshing break from it, but now I am ready to get back to the no-brainer diet.

Here's something interesting: when I follow Jenny Craig exactly, I lose weight. Sometimes a lot. If I fudge it, or skip it, or substitute it, etc, the results aren't as great, if there are even results at all! So why do I cheat? I'm not just cheating my diet, I'm cheating me. Am I weak? Am I scared? Why do something so stupid? Definitely all good questions and I don't have a solid answer for it yet. In the meantime, I am determined to follow the program down to the last lettuce leaf if it will in some way get me off this damn plateau!

Part of me wants to say tomorrow is a brand new day. A fresh start. Luckily I read something in my horoscope that I feel can be applied directly here. In fact, it was a quote:

“To change one's life: start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.”

- William James

Well, I think Will is right. Why start tomorrow when I can start immediately? Unfortuantely I am at work until 11pm (Grr! Only adding to my frsutration!) So no brisk walk at dusk, but what I can do is drink this 1.5L bottle of water I have here and eat the yummy salad I just ordered for dinner, bypass the bar on the way home from work, get lots of Zzzz's, and get that walk in first thing tomorrow.

No excuses!

PS. One of the best things about Vegas is the extra incentive and motivation: when I go there next summer, I want to be wearing a bikini! No exceptions.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Back To It!

I'm not feeling quite ready to post, but I think that's even MORE of a reason I should!

Why Am I not ready to post? Because I'm not quite back into my healthy routine. But maybe blogging comes first, not last. Maybe this will help refocus me, get my butt to the grocery store and my hands back on those weights.

I had a lovely time in Las Vegas. I absolutely love it there and find myself searching the Vegas job ads and the real estate market each time I return home. I love New York but it's like I'm having a sordid love affair with Sin City on the side. It's OK though... the Big Apple knows about it and we're cool.

But now I'm back and that means now it's back to it! Up off your big butt, put down that mimosa and WORK IT!

Unfortunately what happens in Vegas doesn't quite stay in Vegas... I got sunburnt on my back quite badly and it's making working out - specifically interval running (my favourite!!!) - really difficult. I hear myself say that, I catch myself thinking it, and it sounds like it's just Fat Me talking so Real Me steps in: 'pfft! What a load of crap! You're making excuses! Get out there and run that a$$ off!'

Then I try put on my crossback sports bra (with or without the weight problem, my girls need the support! Especially while running!) and I yelp in pain! My back doesn't even want clothes on it let alone a regular bra, and most certainly not my sports bra! Humph. Fooey! I'm a little lost for alternatives right now, which isn't helping to get me uber back on track and back into the game.

On the bright side? My eating was pretty good while I was away. I didn't splurge or go nuts and watched my portions (could have used more veggie servings though) and despite my drinking and being surrounded by cigarette smoke at the casinos, at the pool, well basically everywhere(!), I did not feel the need to smoke. It didn't gross me out, it didn't give me cravings or make my mouth water. I was just indifferent; a little put off by the smoke (like most non-smokers are - woohoo! Does that make me closer to being one of them??) but other than that - nothing. It's both great and slightly eerie how easy this quit has been... it's really like my body AND my mind were both 100% ready to quit at the exact same time.

Down side? I drank. A lot. (you didn't think I was going to acknowledge that I just said that above, did ya?) Well there's all my extra calories right there! (and then some, probably!) And maybe it would have been ok if it was the occasional light beer or a smart glass of wine with dinner. But oh no! This is me in Vegas!! Come on now! Give me some credit. And hey, I was on vacation, right? For my birthday. Hmm...

(Had a quiet little birthday dinner with a few close friends when I got back. Again, watched the portions and only had 1 slice of cake, not 3)

But I gotta say, I love anywhere where I can order a long island iced tea before noon without judgement. (just please take my phone away from me. Drunk texting and/or dailing is never a pretty thing)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The tweet that made my day

I just received the nicest tweet. Of course all my new found twitter friends are fabulous, but this tweet was extra special.

It was from a girl with roughly the same weight stats as me saying I am already motivating her. Wow! This makes me feel amazing!

I set out with this blog and twitter account to act like jumper cables to a car battery that has run out of juice. I was the car battery. I needed a jolt. I needed something to motivate myself and to keep me

Although i know ive collected a lot of knowledge on this weight loss journey (and from throughout the years), i am still learning. By no means am i yet surpassing the teacher and am eons away from becoming a master (but i will one day. Just watch!) So I feel honored and humbled that already someone can look at me and say 'that motivates me'.

Plus it made me realize another great reason to "keep on bloggin' to keep on losin'". That just as much as I like finding information and/or people so I can see that I'm not alone on this crazy life-altering journey, I just might be one of those people to someone else.

Talk about warm fuzzies. It's like paying it forward only I'm not done yet! Isn't it cool how with this kind of stuff you don't have to wait to pay it forward?

PS. Just watch this space! Cause eventually I'll be the girl who can proudly say I lost a total of 181lbs and will be fully armed with knowledge, love, and the confidence to pay it forward!

Crunching the Numbers

I usually hate math, but when it comes to weight loss there's nothing I love more than punching all those numbers into a calculator!

I am aiming to lose a total of 53.8% of me. WOW!

Failing that, my other goal weight (my "let's get to this point and reassess" weight) is 180. Which would still be a total loss of 46.4%. Definitely not too shabby at all, huh? :)

I'm currently at 22.6% of my original weight gone (gone forever I might add). So I am veerrry close to finally being half way!

I am sure the best is yet to come...

Strong Like Donkey Kong!

Today is Day 11 of being cigarette free! It's actually quite unbelievable how few cravings I've had this time round. Plus I recall the weeks leading up to my quit I wasn't enjoying smoking anymore. I was lighting up because of my addiction and not because I actually wanted the cigarette and hating every puff yet I couldn't help it. It's a good thing. I'm pretty sure that means I was finally completely ready to quit!

none the less, I will continue on with my timeline...

5 - 8 days ✔ Check!
The "average" ex-smoker will encounter an "average" of three cue induced crave episodes per day. Although we may not be "average" and although serious cessation time distortion can make minutes feel like hours, it is unlikely that any single episode will last longer than 3 minutes. Keep a clock handy and time them.
10 days ✔ Check!
The "average ex-user is down to encountering less than two crave episodes per day, each less than 3 minutes.
10 days to 2 weeks Stand By...
Recovery has likely progressed to the point where your addiction is no longer doing the talking. Blood circulation in our gums and teeth are now similar to that of a non-user.

For full list and the link, click here.

No Rest For the Wicked

Another week 1 of c25k this morning. It was much easier this time. I think it's because I KNOW I can do it (although you never know... maybe getting fitter might have something to do with it too)

I couldn't help noticing the number of dog owners/walkers and a lot less runners/walkers. I guess cause it's a Saturday. They're all giving themselves a little sleep in. Meanwhile I did the crime so I must do the time!

Yet another reason to stay away from fast food: If I stay away I will let myself sleep in!

PS. I found myself coughing a lot. At first I thought I was having a strange bout of allergies. Then I realized more likely it's my lungs cleaning themselves of gunk. Now that I've quit smoking (today is day 11) they're finally able to cleanse and heal. Both good and gross. But I'm pretty sure exercise is supposed to speed up that whole process too, so it's a good thing all round!

Friday, August 14, 2009

A Quickie For Friday

I seem to be wavering at the moment. Or at least it feels like it now that I have gone back to exercise only every second day (my muscles are telling me that they need a little rest, or is that a sign that I should push them harder?)

This is just a little note to say today I vow to only put things in my mouth of nutritional value. I will gorge myself on fruit and vegetables, and I will drink all my water. I will make sure that by the end of today my pedometer reads at least 8000.

Hanging in there. I think those rehearsals through me off a bit. I didn't so much binge as just eat at all the wrong times. But now I am back to my normal schedule, which is comforting. Comforting and a relief, and a little bit scary too.

Cause it means the only thing standing in my way is ME.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

M.I.A. = B.A.D.

Yesterday was crazy. I ate well but felt like a bit of a slug because it was my day off between cardio days. I SHOULD have done some weights, but like I said, crazy! Plus my abs are sore from Tuesday's run.

Which reminds me, does anyone else get that? Sore abs from running I mean? Hey, I'm not complaining, it means they're getting a workout! I'm assuming my legs don't get sore from all those years of dancing but my core has become weak, and as we all know, your core/abs is your powerhouse. I just think it's a little odd that a run for most means sore legs (or just sore all over lol) and for me it means sore abs. Hmm.

Anyway, I remember yesterday missing being on twitter; it keeps me uber focused and almost anxious to go for a walk or eat a carrot or something of that nature.

Last night I ended up having a beer with friends after a long day (and it didn't lead to a cigarette! I am both pleased and very surprised how easy this quit has been!) but it did lead to a quick trip to MacDonald's on my way home! ARGH!!!! BAD!!!! B.A.D!!! As in Burger And Disaster!

I would hate to give this blog so much power (already!) as to say 'I didn't blog therefore I binged' because I think my bad habits and mistakes on this weight loss journey have always been for multiple reasons, and never solely one reason. But I am suspicious, if I blogged yesterday (or at least been on twitter), would the trip to the Golden Arches occured?

I am yet to work out if this is a drinking habit, a end of a long day habit, a 'too long since dinner' thing, it could even be a 'at least it's not a cigarette' type action... or maybe all of the above. At any rate, I am going to crack this nutty habit wide open, and in the meantime, I am staying away from McFATS!!!!

SIDENOTE: To help combat excess calories I have been for my workout in the park this morning and I'm thinking today needs to be a bit of a detox: fruit, veggies, and a few wholegrains.

PS: Eating better and less drinking = complete lightweight now! Seriously, I used to be able to drink most people under the table. now 1-2 beers and I'm all tipsy. What the hell?? That's no fun! Ha! Talk about a cheap date.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Healthy Decisions are like Rabbits

Once you get two of them, they multiply like crazy!! Haha!

Seriously though, one healthy decision leads to another. I have a looming 27th birthday coming up in less than two weeks and I'm just planning on going out to dinner with friends. Without even thinking, it was just assumed by all - including myself - that we would be having steak. Everyone knows I'm a steak and mash girl!

But with all this added commitment to exercise, and making effort to eat healthy and organic whenever possible, while I'm all about a splurge once in a while, this one just doesn't seem worth it.

Which is surprising cause you would think that a birthday of all things is the perfect excuse to say "It's my birthday and I'll pig out if I want to!"

But nope. Sorry, no, not interested. It will just make me feel fat, guilty, bloated, full, and regretful. And on my birthday no less. Who needs those sorts of feelings? Not me!

So I'm thinking Dim Sum (all steamed of course) or Sushi, or maybe go all class and just hit the Olive Garden in Times Square and go nuts on Soup, Salad, and Breeadsticks.

'Cause that's just the kind of classy girl I am :D

Run With It!

All these thoughts running through my head about running (no pun intended) Where to start?!

First off, I am in an excellent mood! Gotta love that endorphin rush post-workout! Like Elle Woods said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Secondly, my big news! This morning I finally actually ran every single interval to completion for week 1 of the c25k program!! YAY ME! I have been pseudo doing c25k for a while now. I told myself I do not need to complete the program in nine weeks, I can - and should - take my time; and only move up to the next level when I can confidently say that I can complete the level I'm on and still be standing at the end of it.

I say 'pseudo doing c25k' because I have been on week 1 on and off ever since I started which was back on January 1st as a New Years Resolution! (OK, so I did give myself a bit of a deadline: Even though I instructed myself to take my time, I was pretty sure it was feasible to finish by the program by Dec 31 2009!)

Besides starting then stopping then having to start all over again and again (and again), I think it took me so long to get the hang of it because I was running wrong! Which would totally make sense why i couldn't do it before even though it is a program designed for beginners! I think there were two main things I was doing wrong: 1.) going too fast, and 2.) Too much bounce.

I thought about this last night as I was really lamenting my missing workout yesterday. Why do I have so much trouble running? After a little googling and a little 'tortoise and the hare' inspiration, I came up with those two major issues. I was excited for this morning because I was eager to test them out. And sure enough, jogging and staying low to the ground equals completing all intervals successfully!

I won't lie, towards the end of some of the intervals I wanted to die. But I just kept telling myself "JUST KEEP JOGGING". Even if I can WALK faster than I'm jogging (!!!) it doesn't matter. "JUST KEEP JOGGING". I kept wanting to walk an interval, but I kept telling myself 'just one more... just one more...'. Finally, I gave in and actually had made the decision that I am walking the next 'running interval'. But then the little voiceover came on and said it was my second last interval. Oh hell no! There was no way I could walk it now! And throw the towel in? Not be able to say I officially completed it? The end was in sight! I KNEW I could do it! And voila... looks like I did!

The other source of my surge of determination to do this was because I was starting to really question the whole 'you should still be able to have a conversation while working out' thing. You know, how to know if your heart rate is in optimum 'fat burning' mode. But after my little googling session on running, I was presented with a new theory. Our bodies are designed to run.

When it comes down to it our bodies have not evolved that much since the caveman era (that topic is definitely for another post! I could go on and on!). I read somewhere that if you want to lose weight, burn fat, get lean, etc. then run, don't walk. A running body is a lean body. The body is forced to shed unwanted layers of fat. Because it's more "aerodynamic" (hmm, I think I just fell in love with a new word! Say it with me now: "aerodynamic". Lovely) I know this is a very simple concept, but phrasing it in this way has really clicked for me for some reason. 'Running makes you lean'. When really, that is so obvious: have you ever seen a fat runner?

So new new concept is JUST RUN. Screw the 'you should still be able to have a conversation' concept. Run for your life! Be out of breath! Push it hard then push it harder! Suck air in through your eyeballs if you could cause you need it so badly! As Jillian Michaels would say "Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!"

PS. it's so nice to start the day with 'negative' calories. yay for running before breakfast!

SIDENOTE: just a little observation - I no longer need to frantically check the time during my commute. I will get there when I get there. No more 'will there be time for a cigarette before work?' wondering anymore!!!! Talk about liberating. How do smokers not realize they are walking around in their own mini-prison? Attached permanently to a ball and chain of their own making? Ahh... the joys of...


Monday, August 10, 2009

Being Broken

There's good news and there's bad news. I'm of the school of belief that you 'rip off the band-aid' straight away with the bad news, then soothe the pain with the good news.

So the bad news? I'm broken. Which is my guy's way of saying it's that girly time of the month (haha... Some find it offensive, I find it hilarious and very cute) So even though I woke up early (545am - look at me go! Take that old version of me who used to sleep till noon!) it was more because of cramps & the need to roll around in pain rather than my alarm going off and telling me it's time to hit the gym. Sigh. So no gym and a world of pain. This blows.

The good news? I'm broken. Haha, as any other weight loss chicka will agree, it's a double-edged sword. This means I finally finally de-bloat and as if magically drop pounds almost instantaneously. And there is a fingers crossed moment where I hope the de-bloating will not only reveal my actual weight, but a lovely weight loss that has been hiding for the past 7-10 days.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Habits to Create: I actually missed having my AM workout today! What a pleasant surprise!

Habits to Hate: That I might have used being broken as an little bit of an excuse not to workout. C'mon... I could have at least gone for a walk. Probably would have even helped with the cramps!

That's it for now. Someone please pass the Advil...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Gone Running

I heart the Nike 'Gone Running' ads. (Actually I love Nike in general but that's for another post)

Just wanted to share one with you.

PS. I haven't actually left and 'gone running' because I'm at work, but it's definitely inspiring me to put on my running shoes instead of my slippers when I get home!

Inhale The Fresh Air!

As I was replying to a comment (Thank you again MizFit!) I noticed something when I listed off a little list of my history of quitting smoking...

quit: March-Sep 2008
back on the cancer sticks in Oct 2008
quit: Nov 2008 - March 2009
asking for lung cancer April-July 2009
quit: August 5, 2009... FOR GOOD! :)

Both times when I turned back to smoking, I was unemployed and job hunting (ahh, the joys of freelance, contractual work!). Turns out, I'm a stress smoker!

I'm rather pleased with this little discovery. Although it does mean I have a harder job than the boredom smokers out there. If you smoke out of boredom, you just need something to keep you busy, a quick little task, anything, until the craving subsides. But stress? How do you handle that? (Evidently I am better at curing the boredom blues than the stress jitters)

I think the best stress less/overcome a craving technique for me in general is 'breathe and reboot'. Take 5 deep breaths and clear your mind. Then do it again. Keep doing it until you've calmed down & can see the bigger picture (or at least have removed yourself one step back from the immediate picture)

Of course a one hour deep tissue massage never goes astray either.

What's your best stress buster technique?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

100% Nicotine Free!

Recovery Timetable (for cold turkey quitters)

Within ...

20 minutes ✔ Check!
Your blood pressure, pulse rate, and the temperature of your hands and feet will all return to normal.
8 hours ✔ Check!
Remaining nicotine in your bloodstream will have fallen to 6.25% of normal peak daily levels, a 93.25% reduction.
12 hours ✔ Check!
Your blood oxygen level will have increased to normal and carbon monoxide levels will have dropped to normal.
24 hours ✔ Check!
Anxieties peak and within two weeks should return to near pre-cessation levels.
48 hours ✔ Check!
Damaged nerve endings have started to regrow and your sense of smell and taste are beginning to return to normal. Cessation anger and irritability peaks.
72 hours ✔ Check!
Your entire body will test 100% nicotine-free and over 90% of all nicotine metabolites (the chemicals it breaks down into) will now have passed from your body via your urine. Symptoms of chemical withdrawal have peaked in intensity, including restlessness. The number of cue induced crave episodes will peak for the "average" ex-user. Lung bronchial tubes leading to air sacs (alveoli) are beginning to relax in recovering smokers. Breathing is becoming easier and the lungs functional abilities are starting to increase.
5 - 8 days Stand By...
The "average" ex-smoker will encounter an "average" of three cue induced crave episodes per day. Although we may not be "average" and although serious cessation time distortion can make minutes feel like hours, it is unlikely that any single episode will last longer than 3 minutes. Keep a clock handy and time them.

For full list and the link, click here.

Why I Blog

I've noticed a few 'why I blog' posts floating around, and I think when it comes to weight loss it's a team effort. So move on over and make some space, I'm jumping on the bandwagon!

My Top 3 Reasons of Why I Blog (in no particular order):
-- One of the major differences between my mindset at the beginning (when I was losing a lot) and my mindset lately (losing and gaining the same 5lbs/basically maintaining) is that in the beginning my goal was constantly on the forefront of my mind each day. I am hoping a project such as this blog will help bring my focus back to my goals daily. And not just in a 'yeah, yeah... I'm on it...' kind of way. But in a real 'Dream. Believe. Create. Succeed.' kind of way.
-- I used to keep a scrapbook journal and would put things in it daily. They could be written entries, lists, clippings, images or words that inspire me, writing lessons learned and rewards earned, anything at all! Again, it kept me very focused but somewhere along the way it fell by the wayside. I am hoping this blog will turn into the tech-savvy version of the same thing.
-- A place to be accountable because it's out there for the world to see, and be completely honest about everything, because really I'm just cheating myself by not doing so. But you'd be surprised how much you don't want to admit you caved and had that cupcake... or how your 'workout' for the day was just walking from your apartment building to the subway, and from the subway to work, and back again. (I do realize with the anonymous factor, I'm not being "completely" honest. I know when I get more and more comfortable with this I will undoubtedly reveal more and more; perhaps even eventually removing the anonymity factor... we shall see)

Plus any weight loss success statistics will tell you writing things down has a proven success rate over those who don't. And who doesn't want to have the advantage?

Do I Need to Get All Jillian Michaels On My Ass?


I currently workout 30 minutes a day 6 times a week. That's 3 cardio sessions and 3 weights session on alternating days with one day off a week to rest.

But! I have been doing this for 2 weeks religiously now, and while my muscles are a little sore and are definitely getting a workout, I am not seeing a result on the sclae.

Now, I am the FIRST to say 'Good God girl! Only 2 weeks??? Patience petal, it will happen!!!... Sheesh" however, it got me thinking...

Firstly that usually embarking on a new routine is a shock to the system and therefore some sort of immediate signs of progress while not expected are always nice. But i'm thinking thanks to my typical 5lb weight gain before that time of the month PLUS that I'm quitting smoking is going to make my efforts through exercising take a little longer to show.

Secondly, I am wondering that even if I wasn't bloated up and feeling like a floatation device, and even if I wasn't a recovering nicotine junkie, is 30 minutes 6 times a week enough to see substantial weight loss?

Part of me says yes, because it's always worked in the past. But maybe that's the problem. Whenever I stick with a workout regime it's always been 30min 6x/wk. Do I need to be pushing myself harder?

Especially if my weight is not really going down, could upping the amount of exercise help kick me out of maintainence-meanderings and back into some losing-lovin'?? Or would it do more harm than good?

I remember reading somewhere that Jillian Michaels said if you are serious about losing you need a make a commitment to 60 minutes a day (obviously if you have to break that up, that's fine too) I think it was in her first book , Winning By Losing, that I read that but I'm not positive.

I'm not sure what the right answer is even if there is a 'right' answer. Maybe I just need to push myself harder in general? Maybe just increase the cardio to 45 or 60 minutes a session? Maybe wait till I debloat and see if there's a difference? Hmm... Questions, questions...

Any advice?

Every Day is a Fresh Start!

Quitting smoking + PMS = BINGE HELL!!!!

I have had a lazy day or so. Quitting smoking has sucked the energy right out of me. All I have felt capable of doing is sleeping and eating and staring at the wall. I managed to pull it together a little more yesterday as I finally got to see my guy again (with both of us so crazy busy and opposite schedules in 'distant' locations (ie. different boroughs haha) it's like being in a long distance relationship in a way. Neither of us seem to mind though, in fact it actually works really well, but that's for another post) which put me in a much better mood in general. But the best part is it also kicked my butt back into gear! Can't get slack now! Gotta keep at it!

So! New day = New Start! Woke up a little later than I would have liked but still got 20 minutes of running in. Instead of the gym, I went to the park today which is actually nice at 7am on a Saturday. No screaming kids or dogs galore, just a whole bunch of runners and walkers and the occasional fattie also trying to shed some weight(*raises hand* ooh! ooh! right here! that'd be me!) I love that little knowing nod or smile you give each other; you both know why you're out there.

Haven't had breakfast yet but going to fix that right now... yogurt and fresh fruit... YUM!

Yep, today is off to a good start. Don't you just love how every day really can be a fresh new beginning!?! (OK, coffee + boy time + exercise = waaay too chipper! I'm even getting annoyed by me! haha)

NOTE TO SELF: I'm still learning to stay on track, but the good news is I'm dusting myself off and getting back on the weight loss wagon much sooner every time... and spending less time laying in the dirt whining that I fell off again.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

iLose with Lose It!

If you have an iPhone or an iPod Touch, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

These things ROCK at helping you with all sorts of goals; case in point, my favorite app: Lose It!

Not only is this app FREE (the best apps in life are free!) but here are the other spiffy features:
-- it tracks your weight
-- has a food diary with an extensive list built in as well as the ability to add your own recipes that include portion size, calorie amount, and nutritional information if you wish to activate that too
-- an exercise log where again it has a library as well as allowing you to enter your own activities
-- a "My Day" page where it shows you your calorie budget, how much you've eaten minus how much you've burned, and your net calories for the day (it will work out your calorie budget based on your goal and how much you want to lose per week, and again, you can adjust it if you wish).

This little app is fantastic! Highly recommended!

SIDENOTE: Another great app is the free app "Cold Turkey" which has a very cool "Help I Feel Like Smoking!" button which will give you all sorts of advice or facts to help you focus when a craving strikes. I'm on Day 2 now; I woke this morning and thought I was on day 4 - no joke. Urrrg. Well, the night is darkest before the dawn.... and from past experience, day 2 is as black as it gets!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The good? I have survived Day 1 of not smoking! Plus I still went to the gym and got in some cardio.

The bad? I am a mess. I need a distraction yet I can't focus on anything long enough for it to really distract me. The nap helped. But I can't nap the whole time!

The ugly?
I decided it was OK to have some m&m's because it is better than smoking. Very, Very, VERY bad decision! Now, not only do I feel guilty as hell (they didn't even taste that good!) but I feel a little ill, and I can't even have a cigarette to take away the icky feeling (it usually helps). ARGH!

The solution?
I am going for a walk around the block to clear my head. Maybe it will help.

Hanging in there. I know from experience the second 24hours is much worse than the first (Oh Jebus help me!)

Welcoming Withdrawals

The day has finally come for me to quit smoking.


I am a cold turkey believer. Once you get the the first 1-3 days out of the way the nicotine is out of your system and it really does get much easier after that. Besides, you're already AT your goal! How can you not love that?? You've already stopped smoking! You're not still feeding yourself with tiny doses of nicotine whether it be through the patch or gum or even gradually cutting back on cigarettes. YOU ARE KEEPING YOUR BODY IN A STATE OF WITHDRAWAL YOU CRAZY PEOPLE! YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF! YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF WITHDRAWALS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON HEALING!!!

Ahem, sorry about that. Flares in my temper are actually one of the smaller symptoms for me. Mostly I am just extremely tired (because nicotine is a stimulant) and really hungry (because I want the hand-to-mouth action as well as my blood sugar levels are probably dropping and/or going haywire). So I am a little concerned what this might to do my diet in the short term. Even though long term I know this is the best thing for me.

So this long-winded babble is an apology in advance. So I'm sorry. I don't know what I'll be like in the next 3 days. If I'm around at all (Inability to concentrate is another lovely withdrawal symptom of mine.)

1.) Do not smoke
2.) Lots of water, fresh fruit and veggies
3.) deep breaths, relax, I can do this!
4.) Sleep if I need to, my body is trying to heal afterall :)
5.) Replace cravings with exercise. Go for a walk and clear my head. Hell, it's the best '3 for the price of 1' deal:
              i.) Walking/exercise to distract me from the craving
              ii.) the exercise will help offset any quit smoking weight gain (from no longer having the stimulant to speed up your metabolism)
              iii.) more exercise might even equal more weight loss

OK. Deep breath. Here we go!!!

PS: This is my 4th quit in the last 18 months. Everyone's quit is different, and I can even vouch that even the same individual can have different experiences for different quits. The above are facts that pertain to ME. If you're looking for some cold turkey info though, please visit In my opinion, it is the best site out there. (Although please feel free to recommend other cold turkey sites, I'd love to hear about them!)

SIDENOTE: Non-smokers giving quit smoking advice bugs the CRAP out of me. If you've never had a nicotine addiction, I do not want to hear your opinion nor advice on the matter. If you must get involved politely offer your support and leave it at that. You trying to offer advice or tell me about your friends' sister's husband's quit, just makes me want a cigarette more because you are pissing me off. I realize you're trying to help, but you can't. So just stop. Please. I beg you.

DID YOU KNOW? Studies have shown that nicotine just might be more addictive than cocaine or heroin.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Pound For Your Thoughts?

Dear Readers, Lurkers, Accidental Visitors, and the like,

While of course I have started this blog primarily for myself and a place to put my meager meanderings, I know that you are out there somewhere in the cyber universe. And the fact that you are reading this right now kind of makes my head spin. That you would take the time out of your day to see what this chubby little chickie is up to makes my day.

I'm sure in the short time I have had this blog, you are getting a little insight into me and where I'm coming from and where I'm trying to get to. But I'd love to hear from you. I know that by blogging it is my choice to throw myself out there, and you, the reader, also have that same choice. To reveal or not to reveal: that is the question. But if you feel the need to say something, have advice, a funny anecdote, whatever! anything at all... please feel free to share! I would love to hear from you!

Of course, as the saying goes 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'.

xox 105

PS. And my sincere apologies for not posting this morning's blog yet. It is patiently sitting in my iPod Touch for me to make a few corrections before I post it. Today has been much busier than I thought. It may have to wait for the train ride home (oh joy... if there's one thing worse than morning rush hour, it's afternoon rush hour. Sure, everyone's had their coffee but by then the buzz has definitely worn off)

positive thinking = positive results

...But not always in the way you might think.

Today I was running a little late for work (Bag dilemmas. I am still learning how to carry around all my food for the day plus everything else I need/usually carry without carting around two bags, or one bag the size of a baby hippo)

I'm waiting for the subway and I go into my usual train of thought (pun intended). Just then the subway pulls up and it is the typical NYC rush hour sardine situation. I couldn't do anything but rolls my eyes and smile. There was no way anyone else was fitting in that subway car (even if they were a size 0). Thinking 'great, now I have to catch the next one and be even later for work'. Then Real Me steps in: 'No! Chances are another one will come along any minute, it will be much less full, & you'll probably end up on the express platform waiting with all the people on the sardine train people anyway. So just enjoy the time & keep thinking about your Hope List'.

Since Real Me seems to be on a winning streak, I didn't argue and just did as I was told. And less than two minutes later, Real Me was proved right once again when a basically empty local train pulled up to the platform. Hurrah for being positive! It really does put you in a much better mood.

To all you pessimists or realists out there (I am a self-proclaimed realist. I really do believe there is a difference between realists and pessimists. I can't help it if we usually end up at the same conclusion though. Blame reality, not me) Give it a go. Throw some positive thoughts out there (and mean it when you do!) and see what the universe gives you back in return.

My other little observation for today is that I am much chirpier in the morning if I've worked out. First of all, I am fully awake before getting to work (rather than still working on finishing my cup of coffee), and because of that plus the workout, I am much more likely to say good morning and greet people and 1.) actually mean it, and 2.) with a big smile to match. I don't know if it brightens their day or not (if they haven't had their coffee or worked out that morning maybe it doesn't) but it sure as hell brightens mine.

And at the very least it makes you more likeable. And who doesn't want to be liked?

It's like Elle Woods said "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

These are a few of my favorite things

.... and it doesn't involve raindrops on roses, or whiskers on kittens. (Even though I have nothing against either of those things. Or musicals for that matter)

Anyway, it's Terrific Tuesday! Already completed my workout for today (yay for strength training! They may be hidden under layers of fat for now but I know I have some fabulous lean muscles building!). As I was gulping down some water I thought about what I wanted to share today. Most immediate thoughts were those of things I can no longer tolerate and that's why I am focused on losing weight. But feeling so good (as one naturally does post-workout) it doesn't feel right to dwell on the negative nor does it feel right to use fear as a motivator today. Instead I am going to use hope (I'm sure I'll share my fear motivation list soon enough!). Here is a list of things I am hoping for and looking forward to in no particular order:

-- walking into ANY store and knowing they have my size. I don't care what number it is, just so long as it fits.
-- a flat stomach. 'Nough said.
-- not giving a second thought about if I can fit into that chair/ seatbelt/ booth because I know I can.
-- the millions of stairs in New York City NOT taking my breath away. Namely all the subways and my forth floor walkup.
-- looking in the mirror and liking what I see.
-- my thighs no longer touching or rubbing together.
-- saying 'I'm going for a run' and actually being able to run non-stop for the entire workout.
-- wearing a bikini again and looking even better in it now than I did ten years ago (just like Valerie Bertinelli. Don't try to tell me that Jenny Craig bikini ad she did didn't make your jaw drop!)
-- Being able to see my '4-pack' again. Hell, maybe this time I'll get the whole 6!
-- knowing I am happy and healthy.

...just to name a few.

So what's on your list?

Monday, August 3, 2009

5k The Sequel

Before I continue babbling on whilst still under the influence of my post-workout high, I should tell you that I love interval training on the treadmill. It is by far my favourite form of cardio. Part of the reason I love it so much is that no matter what size I was in the past - fat, thin, fit, pudgy - I have always hated running. Loathed it in fact. Wouldn't even run to catch the bus, just on principle (Yeah, I'm stubborn like that).

Fast forward to the present: suddenly, I want to run. I WANT to be a runner. Why? Because I've never wanted that before. Because I thought it was impossible. Because I had convinced myself that running is great for some but I wasn't one of them. Because accomplishing it will prove to myself that the sky is the limit. Because becoming a runner will in some small way in my quirky little world mean that I made the impossible possible.

So as someone who enjoys walking away the pounds, I figured my best bet was wogging or interval training. I got really into it too. But usually, like most things, it's a case of 'use it or lose it'. But after this morning's surprisingly successful workout, I think it's time to consider doing another 5k.

I have done 5k once before. It was on April 29 of this year, and the only reason I did it was because I was determined to have a time listed under 5k on my nike+. Having a blank 10k I can handle (for now), but a blank 5k just wasn't cutting it.

In those days I would usually bargain with myself. I would be allowed to stop once I hit 2 miles, or 40 minutes, or whatever the goal was I felt like setting that day. But that day was different. Even though I was exhausted, even though I wanted to stop, I would not let myself. I was on a mission. I didn't care if I had to walk the whole thing, or if it took 3 hours, I was going to get it done.

Turns out I managed to complete it in under an hour. And I remember feeling like I had really accomplished something. But I also know I felt like I could have pushed a little harder. Now that I knew I could do it, I needed to know if I could improve on it.

I think that time to improve has finally come! I want to see if I can beat my last time. And if I don't, well at least I can say I did another 5k!

A run from my past...

The Real Me Always Knows Best

6am: woke up

615am: yogurt and banana in my belly, preceeded to have the following arguement with myself...

Fat Me: But I don't wanna go to the gym!
Real Me: No! You're going!
Fat Me: But I don't feel like it. I'm so tired. I didn't get enough sleep.
Real Me: Just GO. Just get on the treadmill. 10 minutes of walking. If you still feel this way, I promise, I will let you off the hook.
Fat Me: Urrrrg...
Real Me: C'mon... otherwise you got up early for nothing.
Fat Me: OK, fine! But just 10 minutes. Then we're going to have another talk.

635am: On treadmill...

Fat Me: Oh, that wasn't so bad.
Real Me: See, I knew you could do it!
Fat Me: Honestly, I'm really not in the mood. But I'm here, so I might as well go for it. Hell, let's even do intervals.
Real Me: Awesome! You won't regret this. Even if you're sore later. You won't regret it. I PROMISE.

705am: Warm up, workout, cool down complete. Hit 'End Workout' on Nike+. Not feeling as amazing as I usually do after a workout but I am accounting that to lack of sleep. And then here comes my reward... As I'm wiping down the equipment I hear on my iPod...

"...Congratulations. You have completed a new personal best for the mile"

Hell YES! That's what I'm talkin' about!!! Oh Real Me, you always know what's best :)

SIDENOTE: Today so far I have eaten:
-- 6oz yogurt
-- 1 banana
-- coffee, no sugar, with skim milk
-- crispbread with vegemite (I'm Australian. It's my thing... let it go. lol)
-- 2 hard boiled eggs

NOTE TO SELF: Lesson still to learn - get to bed early when you know you have to be up early! When will you learn??

Nice People Finish Fat

I am trying to leave behind my freelance career in theatre and live events for a number of reasons. One of the main reasons being it was a big contributor to making me fat!

Any job that consumes your life is bound is make your health take a little tumble. But long hours, combined with late/"non-traditional hours, combined with your JOB is to put everyone else's needs before your own.... well, that's not a tumble. It's a freaking avalanche of a weight gain waiting to happen! But ultimately, the problem is being too NICE. Case in point:

"Oh sure, I'll do that for you (during my dinner break meaning that all I will have time for is to 'grab something' especially since by that point I will be starving and pressed for time)"


"I can work on that tonight at home (which will keep me up way too late which will inevitably lead to Forth Meal, which leads to no breakfast (or working out), which leads to... my fat ass!)"

You get the idea. I'm not saying I have to learn how to be a bitch, but OMG would it pay off to learn how to not be so NICE!

One of my closest friends and someone I have worked with before called me tonight. He desperately needs a stage manager just for 3 nights next week to fill in. I look at my schedule. Clear as day. I could totally fit it in around 'work' and 'gym' which were the only things on the agenda for those days.

But fear gripped me. This is how I got fat in the first place! Taking on too much, working late, being too tired to exercise or eat right, not to mention it is an industry that is filled with way too many landmines of bad habits for me. My instant reaction was to say no. Why tempt fate?

But then I reconsidered. I cannot spend my life running away from my fears and old habits. I know in advance therefore I have an advantage and can plan around this. Plus, he is a very good friend, and I would love to work with him again (even if it is only 3 days). So I accepted.

Luckily, he is also a good friend, so like any good eat-a-holic, I enlisted his help. I told him my concern is that working late might mean not going to the gym in the morning because I'm tired, or that working all day and heading straight to rehearsal will mean fast food, or worse, both could happen. But I told him that I cannot let that happen. I am not sure what help I wanted from him other than for him to listen, and for me to say it out loud.

It worked. I felt a surge of confidence that I can do this. It's only three little days. Take it one step at a time and above all else, especially for those three days, take care of myself.

PS. If you see less of me during those three days next week, it's because I'm prioritizing ;) As much as this blog ranks right up there, sleep and working out are more important (the way it should be!)

NOTE TO SELF: Come up with strong a fail-safe, loophole-proof, three day plan.

SIDENOTE: I should totally be in bed, but creating this blog and today starting my twitter page, has given me so much motivation. The people I've discovered and met so far, and the idea that this time next year I could be a weight that I haven't been for nine years is all so inspirational. I couldn't bear the thought of going to bed without sharing my little 'I stared Fear in the face and said "You're on. Bring it!"' moment.

Sweet dreams gorgeous guys and girls! xox

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Ice Cream Comes In A Package You Know...

I love being with Jenny Craig. Unlike my time with Nutrisystem, I enjoy the foods so much more and can still enjoy carbs in moderation. But after two years of frozen and/or pre-packaged foods, I think my body is screaming for me to take a little hiatus.

That, and it's summer! Who wants to eat hot meals and dig into mac and cheese or lasagne? Not me! It's the time of year that I actually CRAVE fruits and veggies. My wonderful JC consultant told me to go for it! Let's give it a go, see what happens. Write everything down and we'll assess next consult.

So the plan was this: no pre-packaged foods. Nothing Jenny Craig, nor any other diet/frozen/pre-packaged variety. Proteins in moderation (she knows I have a weakness for overdoing my meats! What can I say, I am truly a steak and mash girl at heart!) and assured me that I can graze on vegetables all day long if I want. Immediately, I was both excited and scared by this plan. Excited for something different; scared cause I felt so clueless! I know this was my suggestions, but wait, does this means I have to actually... gulp!.... cook?? I have to THINK and PREPARE meals now?? omg, what the hell was I thinking??.... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

She assured me I'd be fine. Our next appointment was less than a week away, and of course to contact her if I have any questions. Considering the possibilities, I mentioned now I actually get to peruse the grocery store again instead of just being on auto-pilot and picking up stock items. She told me to go wild, have fun with it, "Food is supposed to be fun", just to remember nothing packaged. I paused and thought about that for a second. Then she added "No ice cream. That comes in a package, you know..." HA!

Oh, I love her! She totally gets me and is completely there for me, as well as constantly offering sage advice AND making me laugh (wise words and lots of laughing? Score! She rocks! The only way she could score any higher with me is if she was a good-looking guy who was interested in me) [SIDENOTE: I should mention that the reason my next consult with her is less than a week in between consults is because she is leaving! Booo! She has a new job, and I will be so sad to see her go! I am not sure what I will do without her weekly inspiration but I will leave that potential problem for another post] So straight after my appointment I headed to the grocery store and came home with bags and bags of fresh food feeling armed with nutrition and a fresh perspective!

Only problem is, that was 3 days ago and I still haven't really learned how to cook anything! I seem to be just having a mish-mash of snack type foods, and not actually planning any "meals".

Or is that a problem? Maybe it's not. Maybe nibbling away on veggies, fruit, yogurt, and the occasional crispbread with avocado or tuna salad wrap is how it's supposed to be done? I don't know. For the first time in a long time I am feeling very clueless about my diet. And all because I don't have a daily menu planner written out for me! How silly is that??

Time will tell. My next appointment is on Tuesday evening. And the scale never lies...

Keeping the Faith

Dear Weight Loss Gods,

You have taught me a lot in the past two years. That I must stay strong and determined; I must find a constant source of motivation to keep me committed to seeing this through; that positive thinking more often than not leads to positive results. I am grateful to know these things and employ them whenever I feel down, lost, or falling off track. But perhaps the hardest lesson I have yet to learn is to keep my faith in you.

You see, sometimes, I really do get everything right. I eat the right portions every 2-4 hours. I get in at least 30 minutes of exercise daily. I drink 8 glasses of water a day, sometimes more. Yet my clothes do not feel different, and the scale does not change. Sometimes the scale even goes up! (Is that you testing my faith, or just wanting to see my reaction? Because it might seem amusing to watch me tear my hair out and pace around my apartment like a loony wondering what I did wrong, but I can tell you right now. It's no fun! Trust me, you will get more entertainment out of me if the scale goes down and you watch me scream and shout with glee and do a little happy dance)

And I try to stay positive. And have faith that eating right, exercising, and drinking lots of water is enough. It has to be enough. But time and time again this year you test my faith that this is all it takes. But I am confused because this is all I can do.

Perhaps you think my body needs a little rest. Maybe I overdid it and my muscles need to repair. It could be that you are working with Mother Nature and making me retain water and bloat this week. I am not sure of the answer. I just have to keep faith that you know what you're doing and will reward me soon with a smaller number on the scale and on the tags on my clothes.

Being the control freak that I am, I try to take matters into my own hands. I try to change it up. I try to mess around with it in the hopes that something will move. But it doesn't. (And in another of your cruel jokes, sometimes you even make the numbers go up! Is that your way of telling me I'm wrong? Because a simple slap on the hand would suffice) But truthfully, I am not sure of what I am doing. So I know deep down the best thing to do is to trust you. Calories in versus calories out is the most basic and essential rules of weight loss, so I am trying hard to keep faith in that and in you.

Because you of all people, dear Weight Loss Gods, the ones I pray to daily - sometimes even more than once a day - know that I am not done yet. I am grateful for all the progress we have made together thus far, but I KNOW that I am NOT being greedy when I say I still want more. And I deserve more. I will persevere. I will stay strong. I will find new motivation. I will think positive thoughts. I will stay committed. Why? Because I have faith.

Please don't let me down.


Saturday, August 1, 2009

It's All About Me (deal with it!)

For once in my life, I am trying to be totally selfish and put ME first.

This is a type of selfishness I have never known. To stand up and say 'No! Me and my health is more important than your favor/deadline/whatever!' It's a surprisingly hard type of selfish to learn. To constantly make yourself a priority; to make time for yourself to do what needs to be done.

As a soon-to-be-former workaholic, it's very easy to put your health at the bottom of your to-do list. Fast food, no sleep, stress, pressure... it can really weigh you down. Literally! But I don't want to bore you with every minuscule detail of who I am and how I got here (you gotta keep a little mystery at first you know? ) so here's the (rather large!) Cliff Notes version of how I got here:

  • 2000: retired from dancing at 18 years old. Gained the typical weight a retired dancer gains and then some!
  • 2001-2003: Attended a prestigious (and life-consuming!) drama conservatory for my Bachelor's degree. With a minimum schedule of 40 hours p/wk that could escalate to 70, sometimes even 80 hours p/wk, my health and my size were put on the backburner.
  • 2003-2005: After graduating I learned that the only way to get ahead was to absolutely commit to my career. And get ahead I did, however by then my weight was so low on the list of priorities it had pretty much fallen off the list altogether.
  • 2005-2008: Moved to New York to pursue my career and attain my Master's degree. So completely removed from anyone or anything I have ever known, I didn't know whether I wanted to rejoice or cry. Turns out I did both. Rejoiced for my career. And cried for my size and weight.
  • 2006: "Lose Weight" had crept back on to the bottom of the to-do list. Next to it was a firm "when you're ready" label.
  • 2007: In July 2007 I got sick and tired of waiting for "when you're ready" to happen, so I made it happen - whether I liked it or not!
  • 2007: Joined Nutrisystem and lost 50lbs in 4 months!
  • 2008: Plateaued HARD and decided I needed more accountability, and food that actually tasted half decent. Switched (back) to Jenny Craig (I had been before when I was much younger) and lost 30lbs almost instantly.
  • 2008-2009: Work, the contraceptive pill, visa issues... the obstacles never cease! Seem to keep losing/gaining/maintaining the same 5-10lbs.
  • Today: after about 10 months of not seeing any solid, continuous weight loss, again I am sick and tired of waiting for the problem to solve itself. Self, you're about to get your butt kicked back into losin' mode whether you like it or not!
Just like a race, it's the sprint to the finish that is the most important but also the hardest part. This is by no means a race, but in terms of where I am in this journey I am definitely at least half way through, if not more. Fantastic, right? Absolutely! But if I thought the first part was hard, it's about to get harder. Much, MUCH harder...

But I am determined to be strong enough to take on the challenge. I need the refreshed energy and enthusiasm and eagerness to succeed that I had two years ago when I was just starting out with this goal. I am hoping this blog will give me a new outlet to keep me motivated, and be a source of inspiration and a sign of my unwavering commitment to myself and this decision I have made.

I KNOW I can do this. Why? Because the ONLY thing that is standing in my way is ME.

And I refuse to let my fat ass get in my way any more!

Here We Go!

As I woke up this morning and went about my morning routine, I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed more accountability as I continue along this sometimes treacherous, but always rewarding, weight loss journey of mine.

When I was with Nutrisystem, I had my online friends and the message boards to keep me accountable. Currently at Jenny Craig, I have my ever-supportive consultant whom I love to pieces, but will be leaving the center for another job soon (that's for another post). While I plan on continuing on with Jenny Craig, I can't help feeling I need more accountability. I need to be held responsible. Hell, I need someone there 24/7 because let's face it, this journey IS a 24/7 commitment.

The only person who can be there for me that often is me. So here I am. Ready to throw my fears, accomplishments, successes, and faults into the deep, dark, cyber void.

I don't claim to know it all (even though after 10+ years of dieting it may seem on occasion like I think I do!), but I do know what works for ME. At least, I'm trying to ensure that I really DO know what works best for me. All I know is I have been fully committed to this goal for two years now, and ultimately have plateaued for the past year.

That needs to change...

Starting right now!
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