Never Ever

I have been feeling a little lost this last week or so. In the moment, things are fine, I'll probably even tell you that I'm happy. Which is true. But nonetheless, I feel like I'm playing catch up right now.

I am letting old habits creep back in. The way things become so 'important' to me that they get all my time and energy and focus and dedication, when really the ONLY thing in my life that should be receiving that type of attention from me constantly right now is ME. Me and my weight loss. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Physically speaking, I am relatively on track. Slips here and there, not quite 100% but far from completely off the wagon. I'm talking mentally. My head isn't in the game. I so desperately want this, but the confidence is lacking.

One of the best books I ever bought was The Sixty Second Motivator*. I pulled it out last night & had a quick flip through it & made some notes in my journal to think about today. It's such a quick read & really helps me understand what motivation is and how to 'easily' find it. But easy is relative. You need a cold, hard dose of reality sometimes in order to find the truth.

But I'm getting a little off track. The biggest thing on my mind this week has been a job interview I had on Monday. I so desperately want this job even though I run the risk of going back to my past life. But as much as I feel I'm lacking in confidence at the moment (I also think I'm standing in my own way right now but I think that's for another post) there is one thing that I, without a doubt, have total confidence in: That I will never go back to my starting weight.

I will never be that heavy again. Ever. That's not a promise. It's a fact.

First of all, it will never happen because I am learning to love myself and love looking after myself. There is some serious self-neglect going on when you get yourself up to 336lbs. But more importantly, the revelation I had this week is that I will never be that weight again because I am a happier person, and am much more honest with myself about what happiness is for me.

After watching The Biggest Loser on Hulu this week & after a few D&Ms with new found friends revealing how much I used to weigh, I have come to a simple conclusion: 15-20lbs overweight is life getting in the way. It's bad habits, it's 'not enough time', it's 'I'm too busy right now'. But 30-40+ lbs overweight? That's emotions.

I know I'm not saying anything new here. But it's a realization that not only is enjoying taking care of myself going to ensure I am never that heavy again, but the simple fact that I will never let myself be that unhappy again. That alone is going to ensure I never return. Will I slack off & let life get too busy on occasion and possibly gain up to 15-20lbs? Unfortunately yes I think so. I have accepted that weight & food will be a constant struggle for me throughout my life. I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, but it's a choice, and one I am willing to accept in exchange for letting life happen, and indulging in it every now and then.

But will I ever become so disconnected with myself, and stop giving myself what I need to feel happy and whole that I gain 30+, 40+, 50+? Never ever again. It's impossible. I am in a very different place these days mentally and especially emotionally. You can't undo being honest with yourself. You can't go back into denial. Or at least I can't. The cat's out of the bag. Emotionally speaking I now know what I want, and what I need. And those are things that are now impossible to ignore.

Which is why my greatest fear right now is not going backwards, but standing still. I suppose that in itself is a great achievement, and yet somehow not. Sure, it's not going backwards, but it's not going forwards either. Am I really so scared my life will change? Won't it change for all the amazing reasons that I dream about? Every time I think I put my finger on one of the major reasons I stand in my own way, it slips away again. But I'm working on it.

As for feeling in control again, it dawned on me late last night that in the past what I have done is taken 2-3 days to get religiously back on track. To cross every T and dot every I. It's just something I do. I block out the world for up to 72 hours (sometimes literally and I'll stay in my apartment the entire time. Yay for workout DVDs!) & I re-emerge completely refocused, remotivated, reenergized, 110% rebooted. it's like my own mini-Biggest-Loser-campus and I love it.

The only bad thing about this is when I have a schedule like I currently do and technically do not have a single day where I am able to do nothing. I have something happening on every single day right now. So I am giving thanks for Thanksgiving, because I will finally have at least 1 whole day of nothingness.

But I'm not sitting around and waiting until then. I need to learn how to do this come rain, hail, or shine. Life happens. So what? I need to learn how to roll with the punches and make it work.

*Here is another of his books that speaks to me a lot. If you like statistics and facts, this is the book for you! It really is no nonsense and makes perfect sense!