I hate realizations like this...

OK. Once again, here is something I realized a few days ago and it's so shameful it didn't even occur to me to blog about it. But here goes:

Deep breath....


One year ago (11/19/2008 to be exact) I was 20lbs lighter.

SAY WHAT?!

Yep, in the space of a year I've gained 20lbs. I know, that can't be right!!! Can it?! Wait, what? Can you please repeat that?! No wait, don't. I don't want to hear it again. I've been trying to LOSE, so how (THE F***) did I GAIN?!?!

Well, before I continue let me just say that I am the same size which is one of the huge factors in not realizing 20lbs "snuck up" on me. Which also means I probably gained some muscle in the last year in order to be the same size but weigh more.

But reasoning/excuses aside, yes, I got to 84lbs down. I almost got out of the 250's (when oh when will I be closer to 200 than 300???). Looking back at it like this makes me want to cry at the same time as throw my fist through a wall. I am angry and disappointed at myself and the situations life has thrown at me in the last 12 months. But then I just get even madder at myself. Because I am in control of it, or lost control more like. It is MY responsibility. MY choices. ME. Blaming circumstance is avoiding the real issue which is me. What the hell happened?!

That's why I started this blog. I had become a yo-yo weigher. I don't believe I am a yo-yo dieter in the traditional sense of the word. I'm not changing diets, I just seem to be a really slow learner & keep falling off the wagon (wow, denial much?) but regardless of what you want to call it, the proof is on the scale:

The end of July I was back down.
The end of August I was back up.
The end of September I was back down a little.
Mid-October I was down; by the end of the month I was back up.
November has been up & only started to go down this past week.

EW, GROSS!

Sometimes I need a cold hard dose of a reality check like this. To see it in writing. To confess. I think it scares me straight. I get so digusted I am propelled into action.

Hmph...

Wow, re-reading my weigh in numbers again. I am sick of losing and gaining the same friggin' 15lbs over and over AND OVER AND OVER!!! ARGH!

I would love to sit here & tell you that it's because I started school again. And because I quit smoking. And a million other perfectly acceptable, valid reasons but I refuse to state them because it's bulls**t. Yep, you heard me. I will not let myself get away with it that easily.

I made choices that I'm not proud of, and not being proud of my choices stops right here & now.