Saturday, November 21, 2009

Is It Really So Unbelieveable?

Why is it so hard to believe that I deserve this?

After a tearful conversation with my mother explaining to her how much it hurts that she even entertains the notion that she might need to caution me every now & then about regaining (all) the weight, I went into great detail about how I am a very different person emotionally now. This is a difficult subject for us, or more specifically for me to talk about with her, because as close as we are we never talk about "deep dark feelings", and I believe this is the problem. Sometimes I don't even care if she wants to hear it, because I know I need to say it to her.

This is one of those things. I needed to explain to her that for whatever reason, somewhere along the line I decided I didn't deserve the body and lifestyle I wanted. That it was almost like I needed to be punished via ignoring and neglect. However, life is a balance, so without all that care and attention going into me and my health, where did it go? Into my studies and my career. This spoke worlds to her, and she really understood it. I was putting double the effort, care, and attention into my career, and you know what? It sort of paid off. I excelled quickly and I constantly have the problem of having the experience but being too young.

But this over-achievement was a distraction from the truth that I knew half of this attention should be going into me. Or perhaps I thought if my career was successful enough it would compensate to the point of not even mattering that I didn't take care of myself. Both are good theories; at the end of the day I think it's six of one & half a dozen of the other because both boil down to a lack of balance.

I do not think it's a coincidence that I started re-evaluating my career and backing off substantially and trying new things (Hello! Massage school!) around the same time that I realized I needed to live a more balanced life. As they say 'the first step is admitting you have a problem'. Which I couldn't agree more with. It's the next step that is trickier.

For some reason I am still blocking myself from wanting what it is I truly know I want. Why is it so hard to believe I deserve this?! When my mother was agreeing with me and she went on to say that I've been doing very well, even just to still be committed to seeing this through after 2+ years, and that I do deserve to be healthy and happy with the way I look.... you know what I did? In my head I agreed with everything she said until she said 'You deserve to be healthy and happy with the way you look' to that, in my head I called 'bullshit'.

Wait, WHAT?!

Yep, seriously. I called bullshit. I called bullshit to me deserving the healthy, happy body I want. There is something very wrong with that. I don't understand why I don't believe I deserve it. Because I do. I KNOW I do. So why do I think I don't? Why am I punishing myself? It is really so scary to let all that go? Wow....

I am judging myself for getting so in my head in the last few weeks, and I know I shouldn't be judging. I need to not sensor, or edit, I need to let it all out. Everyone's process is different and I need to keep doing what's right for me. I really don't want to obsess on this, but maybe this is one thing that I AM allowed to over-analyse. I think I need an answer. Or perhaps the answer is irrelvent. I think I NEED TO BELIEVE that I deserve this before I move on.

I have been trying to replace the word 'should have' with 'deserve to'; it usually manages to turn a negative, guilt-ridden statement into a positive one. But there's that word again: "Deserve". It's like my Word of the Moment. it's making me really think about things...

I deserve this. I do dammit! Why is that so hard for me to believe?

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