Day 3

Sweet Success... Despite being busy and bloated and with cramps, I didn't cancel my JC appointment. It really is important to go every week, even when you don't want to! So I kept it. After all, one of the major reasons to go to a weight loss centre is the accountability! (I weighed in backwards though (ie. stepped on the scale backwards so I couldn't see the number) so that my consultant could still track it but without getting the emotional stress of getting upset about a number that doesn't reflect my efforts)


Slowly Striving... I didn't eat much today. Cramps always make me feel ill.


Thoughts... I was telling my consultant about how I am comfortable and yet unhappy and as I'm talking and we're discussing things I had a mini-breakthrough. Almost on a daily basis I allow myself exchanges. They are calorie equivalent but they are not always food group ratio equivalent. BINGO! A classic 'getting too comfortable' scenario! How did I not see that I was doing that??! It's so obvious!! I'm still in a little bit of shock from the weight of this discovery. I'm sure I'm not articulating very well at all. It's a combination of a) that I didn't even realize I was doing it, b)that some people can swap calories for calories but I am not one of those people; I have to watch the food groups as well, c)I knew that I had become comfortable but couldn't quite understand it &/or see it until now. It's upsetting and frustrating that I would cheat myself like this, and d) trying to comprehend how cutting out this behaviour will vastly affect my results no doubt! Well, I won't have to wait very long... just 7 days. A whole week of 100% for the next 7 days. Let's see what happens...

My New Best Friend

I can't believe I forgot to mention this sooner! I have a new best friend. I'm not sure what its name is yet, and I'm not even sure if it's a he or a she (leaning towards a she) but it's a new notebook/planner/dairy that I bought specifically for weight loss. (And yes, I fully intend on naming it eventually!)

I tried a few different iPod apps for recording everything. There are some amazing apps out there and they work great! But they can't replace the organic feel of writing by putting pen to paper. And as much as they are more convenient for me, I cannot connect to it & feel it in the way that I should.

I love writing down plans and thoughts and ideas in pretty colours with fun pens. Depending on my mood and what I'm writing reflects in my penmanship and for me that's important. Whether I like it or not, this is an emotional journey so it's not just about writing everything down; it's writing it all down and feeling it and understanding it too.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I used to keep a scrapbook. A big letter-sized sketchbook that I would write in, doodle in, clip pictures that caught my eye, or print articles that I read. I would vent into it ("Why oh why did I have those cocktails?!?!") and I would rejoice as well ("I lost 10lbs in a month! Goal weight here I come!!") Obviously being as big as it was it was only something I did at night or when I was home, and somewhere in the midst of moving, graduating (from my last degree), it was a habit that fell by the wayside.

I've been hesitant to start a mini-version of this for two main reasons: 1.) because I don't want the hassle of constantly carrying something around with me (hence why the iPod Touch apps are so incredibly efficient) and 2.) I don't want to create extra work for myself. I'm scared it will turn into work, not fun.

Thankfully, both of these are solvable! It's not a hassle to carry it around because as a student (again), I am constantly carrying around books. One extra book that's only 5"x7" isn't a problem (in fact, should I switch to a purse for the day it still wouldn't be an issue. I used to be a minimalist but these days my purse is much more 'everything but the kitchen sink'). Secondly, to keep it fun I need a fun notebook (I have a thing for nice stationary. Nice notebooks, pens, post its, etc. It's my thing! It makes me happy) If I like the book, I'll want to write in it and read it. So my mission last Friday was to find the perfect notebook.

As a stationary fanatic, I know that finding the perfect notebook is a tricky business. I'm extremely picky about the cover, binding, the layout, everything! I braced myself knowing I might not find what I'm looking for straight away. But I guess it was meant to be. I found it! The perfect size, spiral bound, lots of room to write as well as keeping everything in order. It's actually a planner (I was prepared to just buy a regular blank notebook) and the layout of the pages works so well for my purposes, and the cover is fun and colorful and makes me want to write in it with my pretty pink pen! You probably all think I'm a bit nuts right now but I don't care! :D

So far, I have written in it every day since I got it, sometimes more than others but nonetheless I'm determined to make it a daily habit. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit so 1 week down, 2 to go!

Besides daily events and ponderings it's already filled with a new list a mini-goal rewards, quotes, important thoughts that I should be thinking, and inspiring pictures I've stuck in. I'm sure I'll be sharing more of it with you!

So between my new best friend and my blog, I think my creative & emotional side has a great outlet to help me work through things and succeed on this journey. And I can't forget my lovely readers who post comments that always brighten my day and make me feel so humble that you took the time to stop by!

Sidenote: I am in cramp hell and yet writing and getting excited about my new bestie is making me feel better! I am not stepping on the scale this week though; I don't want to know the number. Besides, bloated weights don't count! I don't need to feel depressed about it when it's all going to go back to normal in 4-5 days time.

PS. In case you're wondering what notebook I got, it's a Quo Vadis TextAgenda Diary (the student version because it runs Sep'09-Aug'10. Perfect because a) I can't wait till Jan 2010 to start if I got a regular planner and b) *technically* I should be at goal or near it by Aug 2010!). I got the day to a page which is perfect. There's a section at the top for 'priorities' and I like using that for my 'goal of the day'. then a matching section at the bottom for notes which I like to use for whether or not I achieved my goal for the day. All the space in between is perfect for random notes, questions, off-plan foods, thoughts that pop up throughout the day.

FFFF#10: Have My Cake & Eat It Too

An oldie but a goodie :)

I don't even know if marriage is something I want, but regardless....

Factor for being Fat Free: For all major future events I want to be the me I am trying to be. The REAL Me. I want to take photos and not worry about bellies, angles, or double chins. I want to be able to pick a Halloween costume based on what I want to be, not on what will fit and/or flatter my fuller figure. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and not have to tread on eggshells for fear of the ground collapsing beneath me! (or the chair, or what have you...) I want to be the light, pretty sprinkles on top of my cake, not the fat ass who fell right into it! (Oh, and I want to have my cake and eat it too one day, slim and guilt-free!*)





*Although by then I will have learned the true value of 'indulge in moderation', not to mention will probably enjoy the extra workout just to make sure that cake remains a pleasure on the lips and doesn't get the chance to take up residency anywhere else!

Day 2

Sweet Success... 8,124 steps today. I have been wearing my pedometer all week and I'm surprised by how much natural activity I get in every day.

Slowly Striving... Had a diet coke today. I know this isn't the worst thing in the world, but living without soda would be nice. I also need to plan my food better. I am going the majority of the afternoon without much food. I'm not hungry, but in an effort to be consistent I should deserve to find a way to fit more food in around 4pm.

Thoughts... Today felt kind of pedestrian; quite uneventful. Although in the world of weight loss I guess that's a good thing! No temptations or anything like that, just smooth sailing. I am keeping up with my water but am still so bloated and even have a pimple on my chin :( yep, that time of the month any day now... (I can't wait till I hit menopause!)

Day 1

Sweet Success... Could have hopped on the subway to go home at 8pm. But because 8pm is an early night for me, I decided to walk a few extra blocks first. Result? 9,656 steps today!

Slowly Striving... I will pay closer attention that I am eating every 4 hours. Also watch my water intake now that it's getting colder. Still have to keep it up to 2 liters or more!

Thoughts... Not too shabby at all I must say! Spent a great deal of the day mentally choosing and canning outfits for Hawaii. Premature? Yes. But did it keep me focused? You better believe it! Definitely a lot of room for improvement, but I am satisfied overall with today :)

80,640

OK, I'm going to try something crazy. It is exactly 8 weeks to the day that I will be getting on a plane to go to Hawaii. That gives me 8 weeks to lose 20lbs or 1 size. So!... Let's call this:

DAY 1.

Gulp. I can barely keep up with my blog as it is but somehow counting the days may actually help. I cannot promise I will blog everyday, but you can be sure I will be counting every one of those 56 days and making sure that I am doing all that I can to make the healthiest decisions for each and every one of those days.

I am going to keep up with my FFFF's and random ponderings but hopefully on top of that each night I can find just a few minutes to sum up each day: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Make myself accountable! Afterall, isn't that why I created this anonymous blog? (And yet I still fear it... Interesting...)

Here we go. Day 1. Wish me luck! I'll catch you on the flip side, hopefully filled with water, vegetables, and joy from a successful Day 1!

Try, Try Again

Wow. Things are so crazy. If I was just trying to exist I would be fine, but I am done with that portion of my life. I now want... no! I deserve...no! in fact I will settle for nothing less than... to try to excel at all that I do. (Overachieve much?) I used to think only my career was important. But now I know it's ALL important because it's ALL interdependent. Why? Because it's all connected by this crazy thing called MY LIFE.

So here I am, trying to lose weight & do better because I know I can. I KNOW I know how to pay more attention to my choices. I KNOW I know that it only takes just 10 minutes of activity 3 times a day to be satisfied that you did in fact exercise today. I am also trying to maintain my 3.97 GPA because quite frankly, I have never tried before. I believe I am one of the lucky few that always knew that "grades do not define me as a person" so I never focused on them nor let them get to me or become goals of mine. But I guess wanting the most for yourself in other areas of your life has a tendency to spill into different areas. And now I want to see just exactly what I can do! (I'll be honest, I knew I was smart, I just didn't know if I was 'smart on paper'... who knew?! Look what happens when you try).

And I'm not trying at work (cause honestly it's a paycheck job not a passion project like I am so used to) but work definitely is trying! Everything in my life is trying right now. Whether it be trying my patience or trying to make me a better (lighter!) person. But all I can do is keep trying.

When I set up this blog and wrote in the profile that "I am going to lose" it was because I firmly believe that I will. I was careful in my choice of words. But 'going to' begins with trying.

I am trying to focus solely on 20lbs/1-size-smaller for Christmas. No more bigger picture (for now). Time to micro-manage! Some people throw themselves into new diet and/or exercise plans to keep things fresh & rejuvenated. In my experience that only works as a quick fix for me and ultimately leaves me more frustrated than before. What usually works for me is a mini-goal. But I need to be focused. I need tunnel-vision. I need my blinkers on. That part I have been struggling with. Time to breathe & reboot & make this happen.

I know all the knowledge I need. And I have all the tools at my disposal. Now I just need to execute and follow through. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But tough titties cause it's time to s**t or get off the pot. Seriously!

The biggest thought on my mind today was how exhausted I am. Yes, it's the weather (rainy, darker, colder), and yes it's probably also PMS (I could double as a flotation device right now) but I think it's more than that. This is such a long journey. One that I will never give up on but it's so long and challenging and HARD all the same. I keep wondering why I've been bouncing around the same numbers on the scale for over a year, and I think the simple reason is I'm comfortable. I'm not longer squeezing into a size 25 jeans, I slip quite comfortably into a size 18, and on a good day, I'll squeeze into my size 16 Calvin Klein dark rinse slim bootcut jeans (oh how I love them!). I'm no longer hunting for clothes in the way I used to; yes, it's still difficult but nowhere NEAR how painful it used to be. I'm no longer the largest person I know and I can't remember the last time in my life I was able to say that (if I was ever able to say that before!) But as 'comfortable' as I MIGHT be, I am still unhappy. BINGO. There's the motivation factor.

It doesn't matter how comfortable I am, I'm still not happy so I must forge ahead. Head down, nose to the grindstone, keep pushing, keep trying, good God I am so determined to get there to my goal weight/size! But why must this journey get harder, not easier?

I want to welcome all my new followers and thank all you lovely people who posted comments. I have been so MIA but I have been noticing and I'm sending the love right back out there to you. But going MIA is something I do when times get tough. I go inward, I seek answers, a plan of action, a list of priorities, and it always comes from within. I have trouble asking for help, and I'm slowly working on that. But for right now and what I'm dealing with I don't think it has to do with asking for help. I think this is something I have to do for myself.

Because life happens. It's all interdependent. And I'M the one who has to make it work. It doesn't matter how much help I have, I am the one who has to make the choices and take the steps in the right direction. I am the one who has to make the healthy decisions. I am the one who has to do the work. No apologies about being busy, or at work, or studying, or needing to workout, or just being generally MIA; if that's what I need to do, then so be it (see? Selfishness! I'm learning!!) I guess in my very long-winded almost three in the morning post (yeah I know, getting back into a regular sleeping pattern is also one of those things I'm trying to do) all I am trying to say is I'm trying and praying that it is enough.

There is so much happening right now, and I feel like I'm struggling or sinking, but maybe I'm not. Maybe it's called trying. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am demanding a lot from myself & spreading myself a little thin right now so perhaps trying IS the best I can do. Possibly it's all I can give right now. But I know the more aware I become of it, the more I will try and fix it. And that's great too. Even if I slip. Because practice makes perfect. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

FFFF#9: A Vacation Victory?

Another Factors for being Fat Free Friday, and this week, also a mini-goal!

So it seems Hawaii for Thanksgiving isn't happening, it's happening for Christmas & New Year instead! Awesomeness! Talk about motivation!

105lbs is so daunting. But setting 20lbs by mid-December seems much more doable!

Factor for being Fat Free for this week? To feel good about my body's progress and my achievements while on vacation which will mean enjoying Hawaii twice as much!

Dear Santa,

I would like to lose 20lbs in the next 2 months. Please bring me a swimsuit in a smaller size.

Lotsa Love,
105 xo

PSP in NYC

Brace yourself 'Losers', cause here is my first Feature Blogger!

I have only recently started consistantly reading blogs, around the same time I myself started blogging actually. And of course as many of you can relate, you have your faves and ones that jump out at you. The Big Girl Blog is one of those blogs for me.

First off, I LOVE that she coined the term PSP (Plus Size Princess), that says it all right there. She's fun, honest, girly, and keeps it real and does it in style. She is true diva chic, and I mean that only in the nicest possible way! But this isn't about me blubbering on (for once!) She wrote a great post last week called A Big Girl Rant: Denim vs. Chub Rub and except for the fact that it was so vivdly & beautifully articulated, I swear it could have been me saying those words and thinking those thoughts. And where there's one person thinking the same thing, I know there must be more. So I just have to share! She gave me permission to repost it here in its entirity for your viewing pleasure (is she awesomeness or what?).

You can read the original post with comments by clicking here or click here for her blog.

PS. I know it's not Friday but here's a bonus Fat-Free Factor for this week: NO MORE CHUB RUB!

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Yesterday I attended the funeral of my favorite pair of jeans.

I made my way down the steps to the trash cans behind my apartment building with my jeans lifeless in my arms. As I lifted the metal lid and placed the jeans on top of some trash bags I wondered if my neighbors would think I was nuts if I said a few words.

My Svobodas were a very special pair of jeans. They came from a family of denim designed specifically for PSP's (Plus Size Princesses) and this pair did everything that jeans should. Not only did they elongate my legs but they enhanced my, um... assets. My Svobodas and I have been through a lot together; casual Fridays at work, first dates, nights out with the girls... I could always count on them to make me feel good. Sadly, these jeans fell victim to an untimely death at the hands of... Chub Rub.

Chub Rub: discomfort caused by chub (fat) rubbing together.

As I looked down into the garbage can at my dearly departed denim, it started to mist. I wanted to shake my fist at the grey sky and cry out "Chuuuuub Ruuuuuub!!!"

Chub Rub has been an arch Nemesis of mine for many years. Mostly attacking when my bare legs rub together under a dress or skirt. This friction can result in anything from slight skin irritation to burning and/or blisters. I thought I'd won when I began to find ways to avoid chub rub skin irritation while wearing skirts and dresses (I'll write about that later). My victories were short lived though, because Chub Rub has always had the last word when it came to my jeans.

I've laid many pairs of jeans to rest because of this silent killer.

With every step I take, each pair of my jeans will slowly wear thin in the space where my thighs touch and eventually the thin fabric will rip, fray and ultimately become a hole. The Svobodas were a higher quality, so they did last a lot longer, but it was still the same fate. For this reason I try not get too attached to any pair of jeans, no matter how great they are.

Of course, there is reincarnation for denim. I've converted many torn jeans into shorts or denim skirts, I've even sewn one pair into a shoulder bag. But, no matter how clever I am with their remains, my jeans are never as amazing as when they were in their original form.

This may sound terrible, but when I am pushing my legs together on the inner thigh machine at the gym, I sometimes wonder how much easier it could be to get a little liposuction done to rid myself of this problem. At the rate that I'm running through jeans, it may actually save me some money....

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Baby, Dream Your Dream...

Baby, dream your dream, Close your eyes and try it...

Sorry, went off on a Sweet Charity tangent there (I love muscials, especially the classic ones & ones set in the 50's and 60's). ANYway, so today's post feels a little random but I'm happy about posting it all the same. Because I like the quirky little observations the best :)

So here's a question I'm throwing out into the cyber universe:

What size are you in your dreams?

And I'm not talking in your daydreams where we are all either a Kate Moss, Jillian Michaels, or Kim Kardashian. But when you go to sleep and you dream, and if you remember those dreams (lots of people don't!), what size are you in them?

I had a dream about my first boyfriend the other night (I blame a day of flashbacking and looking up old songs on youtube) and I woke up realizing that in that dream, I was slim. Now, this could be because when I was with him I was slim (I danced at the time so I knew my measurements: they were roughly 37-28-40... ::sigh:: I will get there again eventually!!) but that doesn't add up that I only dreamed that because of him being in the dream. Because when I think about my other dreams that I remember, I am always slim to average in them. Sometimes, I can even recall in the dream looking down and not seeing a belly and in the dream, find myself wondering where it went. Yep, I am doing a mental scan of the 'dreams I remember' file, and every image of me is coming up as slim, average, or belly-less.

So maybe this means I don't have true Fat Girl Mentality? Maybe once I am happy with my body those negative thoughts & comments will melt away along with the pounds because apparently my subconscious me already sees me at my goal size!

Who knows what it really means. But I find it curious all the same. Now I can't wait to go to bed and hopefully I will dream again! More slim to average dreaming please!

FFFF#8: The F Word

I have three F words that I'd like to share. The first is...

FAILURE.

It might sound cliche but failure is not an option. It just isn't. Now that I am actually trying I will never quit, I will never give up, all because that is how much I fear failure. Mistakes? fine. Slips? OK. But failure? Never. And my weight is the closest I have ever really come to really failing at something. And failing yourself is the worst kind of failure. I want to be Fat Free so I can say that I haven't failed anything yet (and hopefully I never will).
(And I know essentially that it was my fear of failure that prevented me from trying in the first place, but that is for another post.)

The second is...

FINISH.

I want to finish this. I have to. I may end up at a slightly different finish line than I imagined but know that it will be some sort of finish none the less. It doesn't matter WHEN, all that matters is that it happens. I want to be Fat Free so that I can finish this overweight portion of my life once and for all.

The third is...

FREEDOM.

Cause being Fat Free is freedom, right? It's so obvious that it's very easy for me to overlook. I am recently rediscovering this word and am falling in love with it all over again. I want freedom from plus size clothing, my fat rolls, and my Fat Girl Mentality that I am not good enough or pretty enough. When all is said and done, I want to inwardly scream 'Freedom' like a victory cry much like Mel Gibson in Braveheart (I will only do this in my head and not out loud; that may be a little too weird and a little too drama diva, even for me!) I want to be Fat FREE. Period.

I'm Making It Personal

One of my fabulous teachers at massage school is also a personal trainer. Unfortunately it is a conflict of interest for her to train a student (damn! because I swear she is the Latina version of Jillian Michaels and probably knows how to make me sweat, cry, and throw up all at the same time) but she said she has some people she can recommend and asked would I prefer a woman or a man?

As someone who has never had a personal trainer this made me stop and think. Which WOULD I prefer? I want a woman for the obvious reasons that she can relate to me and my wants and needs in a way a man just can't. On the other hand, I get along much better with guys than with girls on the whole (all my friends (whether gay or straight) are male, and the only female friend that I have regular contact with lives in Florida. FYI I'm in NYC. Hm, yeah...definitely more male than female friends! And I know they're not there to be my friend, but I still gotta LIKE them!) So I have some things to think about before I get some recommendations (opinions and advice welcome!). Especially cause I'm pretty sure I don't have the money to try them all before deciding (Wow, wouldn't that be amazing though!)

I don't know if this is something I can afford but I definitely want more information on it in general. If it is something I will go ahead with I imagine I only want to see them once every few weeks. I would want them to help me put together a workout schedule (that I can do on my own without them) that is challenging as well as flexible and engaging. Then check in with them once a month or so and have them see where I'm at and adjust, increase, build upon... well basically to do what it is they do!

On the other hand, she also said that if I just need some ideas for how to fit it into my schedule and what kind of exercises to do, she'd be happy to sit down with me and discuss that for free over a coffee sometime. (Wow. I love her!)

Have I mentioned how much I love massage school?

The teachers and other students I've met are great (this includes the new bestie (who is still totally cute lol) who gave me some great guy advice the other day. Bless!) But mostly I love how conscious it makes me of my body both inside and out. It makes me want to put good things in, and makes me want to strengthen it even more than I did before. It makes me appreciate that we are all built differently and come in lots of different shapes and sizes and the most important thing is to be comfortable in the skin you're in. I'm not comfortable yet but I know I will be. I just need a little help and I'm slowly getting over my fear of asking for it.

It's also a great motivator to lose weight. Having to get almost completely naked at least once a week with nothing but a towel and have classmates massage you, pushing through those layers of fa... err, flesh... to get to the muscle below? Yep. Definitely a BIG motivator to drop the weight!

A Weight Lifted

I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted, and I am extremely surprised that I feel this way.

After 16 months, the guy I was seeing called it off. His comments over the past month or so, and definitely in the last week were leading in the direction of wanting a fresh start, and I thought that he was telling me this because he wanted me to be part of this 'new chapter' of his life. Alas, it was the other way around. He was just having trouble saying the part about wanting me NOT to be a part of it. On Thursday I was a mess; I suspected what he was trying to say, but he was still being vague. I couldn't focus, I was shaking with a mixture of mental & emotional exhaustion and nervous energy. I got home and balled my eyes out, I needed the release. And I will admit, I haven't slept so well in a very long time.

Early this morning (Friday) he contacted me again and I forced him to give me a yes or a no: Does he want me in his life? When he answered with "I don't want anyone in my life right now" (pfft! Still not an answer!) it may not have been a yes or a no, but it clarified where I stood with him. But very surprisingly, my initial feeling was relief.

Here I was ready to fight for this guy, talk through all this and work it out but the second I heard him 'fess up and start being really clear, I knew he was right. Things had run their course. And you know what? For once I don't regret a single thing. He taught me a lot & he will always be special to me.

They say "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I have never believed that more than I do right now.

I wish him all the best, and for the first time ever, I really DO hope we can be friends at some point in the future. For the first time ever I do not want him to be 'Dead To Me'.

As for me and how I'm coping? Like I said, surprisingly relief is the majority of what I'm feeling. Also disappointment and missing him a little already but mostly I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Which is definitely a good thing. To me it means that it is mutual. And an even better thing: There is no ice cream in sight. Instead, the opposite. I feel like I can now focus entirely on me and my weight loss.

I am so happy that my reaction to this is to use the time I used to spend with him or think about him, I will now be using to focus on and think about me. This may just be a reaction and some sort of coping mechanism. But hey, if it keeps the running shoes on and keeps me out of the Ben & Jerry's aisle then I'm going to run with it! (pun intended)

And even better yet, I lost 2.2lbs this past week which is a great loss for me. Something may be coming to an end so that he start a brand new chapter in his life. But the heart of the matter is, it's time for me to start a whole new chapter as well. And that's a very exciting development. As much as I am feeling disappointed and a little blue, I am also feeling empowered and brave. It's an unexpected pleasant feeling out of what could have been a drama-filled, emotionally overloaded situation.

So a very emotionally exhausting week for me. I thought it was going to be all bad, and this week completely surprised me as did my emotions and reactions, and turned out to be all good!

“What's meant to be will always find a way.”

- Trisha Yearwood

PS. I realize I have put much more personal detail in this post than I usually would, and of course feel free to comment on it, but unless I really feel compelled to do otherwise, I will only respond to weight loss portions of the comments. Thanks for understanding!

PPS. I am thinking this is just a coincidence but I am noticing I lose more weight and am more focused on weight loss when I do not have a steady guy in my life. But that is a topic best left for another post.

FFFF#7: No More Double Stuffed Oreos!

I'm keeping it simple this week. Sometimes less is more.

This picture says to all really.

Factor for being Fat Free: I want to be regular sized, not double stuffed size.

And you know what? I'll still be just as sweet!

Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

OK. Confession Time.

I don't understand why this has been so hard for me to admit because this blog is anonymous after all. I think I fear the failure as well as the judgment and pity party. But here goes....

You may remember I started this blog when my favourite JC consultant left JC for bigger and better things. At the time I also decided it would be the perfect time to take a little break from the food and gorge myself on summer fresh fruits, vegetables, and salads. I promised myself 4 weeks of eating what I wanted (without going overboard) and seeing if I could do it.

True to my word I returned to JC in September. And the biggest reason I did? I was clueless without it! Now, I know a lot of you will say that I have to learn eventually so you might as well learn now. But I disagree. That does not work for me. It's too much to handle and I know me well enough to know that I need to take baby steps or else I might thrown in the towel. So I need tackle one thing at a time: First I want to get the weight off, then I will work on how to eat to maintain (instead of learning how to eat to lose). In my mind, a slip when I'm already at my desired size is very different to a slip while I'm still trying to get there.

But there's another reason. You may notice my tickers have not been moving. That's because I'm scared to update them. In those 4 weeks away I GAINED 10LBS.

OMG I can barely believe I just admitted that. But it's true. I gained 9.8lbs to be exact. And I NEED to confess in order to progress :)

Because despite being sick and my crazy schedule now that I am back to JC, I am slowly but surely losing again. And I can't track it on here because I'm not being honest about my current weight. So like last Thursday when I was so happy that I lost 1.4lbs? I felt like I couldn't share it because losing 1.4lbs was still 7.4 UP from my original weight for this blog.

But enough of that! It's in the past! Breathe & reboot!

SO! OCTOBER GOAL: Back to 260 (or beyond).

It pains me to say that. But it must be done. It also pains me because it makes my ultimate goal a little harder to reach in the time frame I originally wanted; but like I said previously I still intend on making it eventually, even if it takes ANOTHER 365 days.

And it's more important that I am completely honest. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. After all, too much denial has taken place already. Because I know when I weighed 336lbs I told myself I didn't care and it didn't matter. How I believed that, I'll never know. But one thing's for sure: denial doesn't live here anymore and honesty must, must, MUST exist at all times.

I feel like I should say 5 Hail Marys and then go for a run. But seeing as I'm not overtly religious, I think I'll just go for the run instead.

Fat Girls Are Pretty Too

I am always proud to declare that I am a jeans and sneakers girl. In fact, as I've lost more weight I can't help noticing I am buying more cute tees with prints and more fun sneakers (oh Nike, you know just what i like and the way i like it!). But i have to wonder... is this part of Fat Girl Mentality and I'm just having trouble breaking out of it, or am I truly a jeans and sneakers gal?

Because the truth is, I don't like dressing up. Pretty dresses, high heels (ICK!), the whole notion makes my heart sink (did you see that right there? an 'ick' to high heels? what the hell is that??). I feel uncomfortable, and in my experience I spend most of the night fidgeting or primping. By the end of the night I'm tired and quiet, or worse, cranky because my feet hurt, and ultimately I didn't have a great time because I spent most of it concerned or distracted by my outfit.

Now is that just the Fat Girl talking or is that the Jeans and Sneakers girl talking?

Part of me thinks it's just cause I'm not used to it and I don't do it that often, and hey, jeans and sneakers ARE more comfortable than a revealing LBD and stilettos (double ick!)

But another part of me thinks it's the Fat Girl screaming 'I look like a whale! Take me home!' I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to look beautiful because I can't possibly be... I am a hippo. In fact, I am usually feeling just shy of the image of lipstick on a pig. Except in this case it's 'the LBD on the fat chick'.

Isn't that horrible?! But it's these types of thoughts and emotions that I KNOW (and hate admitting) that I have to deal with if I even hope to keep this weight off for good.

Take the guy I'm seeing for instance. He'll talk about wanting to take me somewhere and how I'll be dressed in heels and a flirty dress and I feel myself inwardly sigh. I want him to accept the girl in jeans and sneakers, not try to change me into something I'm not. But maybe I'm so determined to be stubborn in my ways (which would not surprise me!), I think I might be blind to the bigger picture: he wants to see me dressed up cause he thinks I look great (that's it right? Not that he's trying to change me? That he actually thinks I look pretty, and not lipstick on a pig pretty, but actually pretty...??)

Or like how I notice he'll compliment me when I do wear a skirt or on the rare occasion I wear heels (they're probably just wedges. And wedges hardly count as heels now, do they?). Or I'll notice how sometimes if I am wearing a dress it's almost like he can't keep his hands off me! So why do I resist so hard when evidently most of it, maybe even almost all of it, is in my head???

OK, so maybe this all might just be him just liking his girls girly. And as much as I love my jeans and sneakers I will admit I am a girly girl at heart. I like cute stuffed animals, I giggle, and I scream at spiders and bugs. But I have a sneaking suspicion that that's beside the point anyway. I think the point is why do I insist on feeling ugly when I am even one of the lucky ones who gets compliments telling me that I'm not!?!

I am on a journey to shed weight, but I think I also need to shed some of my attitude as well. OK a lot; I need to shed a LOT of my attitudes and beliefs. I am NOT a cow dressed in a mumu. I am a pretty, 20-something girl who looks fabulous in a LBD and sexy heels (ugh, do I have to?). I don't quite believe that yet, but I'm trying...

I think this is a HUGE case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

FFFF #6: It's the Little Things

In my busy week, I made little mental notes of little things I'd like to be different. And all of these things are possible if I stay strong, stay focused, and keep losing!

In no particular order...

1.) Being able to comfortably hook my my whole thumb into my back pocket of my jeans while hooking my whole forefinger into the front pocket at the same time. This can only be done when you're smaller and the pockets are closer together.

2.) Wrapping myself and being completely covered in a bath TOWEL, not a bath SHEET (and honestly, the bath sheet may fit but there's not a lot of room for error or slippage!)

3.) Uber sexual confidence in the bedroom because I am happy with my body. Any position, any lighting condition. Need I say more?

4.) When I sit at the end next to the doors on the subway, I want my elbow to want to 'tuck in' to the bar, not rest of top of it. Same goes for big chairs with big arm rests. I want my arms to naturally fit inside them, not naturally want to rest on them, or naturally rest my forearms on them (does this one make sense?) This would also save my elbow and shoulder a lot of grief on aeroplane rides when I'm stuck in the aisle seat.

5.) I don't want to be mistaken for other overweight people anymore. This is not new to me, but it's been a while since it's happened. I work in a building (an industry really) that is male dominated. In my building there are really only a handful of females, two of which are overweight (I am one of them). But this does not excuse you for mistaking her for me when you see me from behind. Or worse, because you only met her briefly (or haven't met her yet and someone just described her to you) and the only thing you remember about her is that she's overweight. So you say her name to me with a question mark. Lovely. I want my first describing feature to be my height, my hair, my skin tone, ANYTHING, but not 'you'll know her when you see her, she's the fat one'.

And something I read the other day...

“Smaller snacks means smaller slacks.”

- Unknown*

Amen to that!

*Unless you know who did say it, then please fill me in! I couldn't find the origin of it.

It's Just A Number

I feel like I should explain something. 105lbs is just a number to me.

I would love to lose 105lbs and weigh 155lbs at the end of all this. In fact, according to all those height/weight proportion charts, 155lbs is even heavy for my height (I'm 5'3). But I call bullshit on those charts cause I have been a size 8 both at 135lbs & 175lbs; I consider myself one of the lucky few learning first hand how muscle really does weigh more than fat (and I was definitely healthier and fitter at 175lbs than at 135lbs!)

I know I must have lost a lot of muscle mass since those uber fit days, but I also know that I am consistently around 50lbs heavier than other women the same dress size as me. I have even had it confirmed by two different (very honest!) parties who informed me I looked like I weigh 170-180, maybe 190 tops, but "definitely under 200lbs". Hmm. Such a compliment (hey, I'll take it!) but I find it curious all the same.

But the days of weighing between 135-175lbs was a long time ago. And I've been overweight for so long that I'm not sure what to expect on when this is all over. So losing 105lbs is more of an idea - a goal SIZE rather than a goal weight. I wanted to clarify that before we head into this journey any further. For my own sanity and to ease the pressure.

What pressure you may ask? The pressure that I am so scared I won't make this goal. It very unnerving to declare to the world this monstrous goal and not follow through. Well, I guess the term I'm looking for is not succeeding at this goal. Because I AM following through. I just don't know if I'll make it in the time given.

But that's usually when I want to slap myself up the back side of my head. Because it's not about WHEN it happens, it's about THAT it happens. And it is happening. Slowly, but surely, one choice and one day at a time.

Besides which, when I imagine and daydream about my goal (which I try do at least once daily because it keeps me focused), I don't ever imagine the day I step on the scale and seeing a number. I picture the way I feel and look doing the daily mundane things as well as picturing a special event or two. But never a scale.

I'd use clothing sizes exclusively to measure instead except that it's a more general, obtuse way to measure. A scale is more accurate and measures in smaller increments. It's just a number. A device I use to measure my progress. That's all there is to it.

So here's to losing "105lbs" in however long it takes!*


*don't worry, I'm still aiming for next August! ;)