I am always proud to declare that I am a jeans and sneakers girl. In fact, as I've lost more weight I can't help noticing I am buying more cute tees with prints and more fun sneakers (oh Nike, you know just what i like and the way i like it!). But i have to wonder... is this part of Fat Girl Mentality and I'm just having trouble breaking out of it, or am I truly a jeans and sneakers gal?
Because the truth is, I don't like dressing up. Pretty dresses, high heels (ICK!), the whole notion makes my heart sink (did you see that right there? an 'ick' to high heels? what the hell is that??). I feel uncomfortable, and in my experience I spend most of the night fidgeting or primping. By the end of the night I'm tired and quiet, or worse, cranky because my feet hurt, and ultimately I didn't have a great time because I spent most of it concerned or distracted by my outfit.
Now is that just the Fat Girl talking or is that the Jeans and Sneakers girl talking?
Part of me thinks it's just cause I'm not used to it and I don't do it that often, and hey, jeans and sneakers ARE more comfortable than a revealing LBD and stilettos (double ick!)
But another part of me thinks it's the Fat Girl screaming 'I look like a whale! Take me home!' I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to look beautiful because I can't possibly be... I am a hippo. In fact, I am usually feeling just shy of the image of lipstick on a pig. Except in this case it's 'the LBD on the fat chick'.
Isn't that horrible?! But it's these types of thoughts and emotions that I KNOW (and hate admitting) that I have to deal with if I even hope to keep this weight off for good.
Take the guy I'm seeing for instance. He'll talk about wanting to take me somewhere and how I'll be dressed in heels and a flirty dress and I feel myself inwardly sigh. I want him to accept the girl in jeans and sneakers, not try to change me into something I'm not. But maybe I'm so determined to be stubborn in my ways (which would not surprise me!), I think I might be blind to the bigger picture: he wants to see me dressed up cause he thinks I look great (that's it right? Not that he's trying to change me? That he actually thinks I look pretty, and not lipstick on a pig pretty, but actually pretty...??)
Or like how I notice he'll compliment me when I do wear a skirt or on the rare occasion I wear heels (they're probably just wedges. And wedges hardly count as heels now, do they?). Or I'll notice how sometimes if I am wearing a dress it's almost like he can't keep his hands off me! So why do I resist so hard when evidently most of it, maybe even almost all of it, is in my head???
OK, so maybe this all might just be him just liking his girls girly. And as much as I love my jeans and sneakers I will admit I am a girly girl at heart. I like cute stuffed animals, I giggle, and I scream at spiders and bugs. But I have a sneaking suspicion that that's beside the point anyway. I think the point is why do I insist on feeling ugly when I am even one of the lucky ones who gets compliments telling me that I'm not!?!
I am on a journey to shed weight, but I think I also need to shed some of my attitude as well. OK a lot; I need to shed a LOT of my attitudes and beliefs. I am NOT a cow dressed in a mumu. I am a pretty, 20-something girl who looks fabulous in a LBD and sexy heels (ugh, do I have to?). I don't quite believe that yet, but I'm trying...
I think this is a HUGE case of FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.
July 27th, 2017 A Practice of Learning
11 hours ago