Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Try, Try Again

Wow. Things are so crazy. If I was just trying to exist I would be fine, but I am done with that portion of my life. I now want... no! I! in fact I will settle for nothing less than... to try to excel at all that I do. (Overachieve much?) I used to think only my career was important. But now I know it's ALL important because it's ALL interdependent. Why? Because it's all connected by this crazy thing called MY LIFE.

So here I am, trying to lose weight & do better because I know I can. I KNOW I know how to pay more attention to my choices. I KNOW I know that it only takes just 10 minutes of activity 3 times a day to be satisfied that you did in fact exercise today. I am also trying to maintain my 3.97 GPA because quite frankly, I have never tried before. I believe I am one of the lucky few that always knew that "grades do not define me as a person" so I never focused on them nor let them get to me or become goals of mine. But I guess wanting the most for yourself in other areas of your life has a tendency to spill into different areas. And now I want to see just exactly what I can do! (I'll be honest, I knew I was smart, I just didn't know if I was 'smart on paper'... who knew?! Look what happens when you try).

And I'm not trying at work (cause honestly it's a paycheck job not a passion project like I am so used to) but work definitely is trying! Everything in my life is trying right now. Whether it be trying my patience or trying to make me a better (lighter!) person. But all I can do is keep trying.

When I set up this blog and wrote in the profile that "I am going to lose" it was because I firmly believe that I will. I was careful in my choice of words. But 'going to' begins with trying.

I am trying to focus solely on 20lbs/1-size-smaller for Christmas. No more bigger picture (for now). Time to micro-manage! Some people throw themselves into new diet and/or exercise plans to keep things fresh & rejuvenated. In my experience that only works as a quick fix for me and ultimately leaves me more frustrated than before. What usually works for me is a mini-goal. But I need to be focused. I need tunnel-vision. I need my blinkers on. That part I have been struggling with. Time to breathe & reboot & make this happen.

I know all the knowledge I need. And I have all the tools at my disposal. Now I just need to execute and follow through. Easier said than done? Yes, absolutely. But tough titties cause it's time to s**t or get off the pot. Seriously!

The biggest thought on my mind today was how exhausted I am. Yes, it's the weather (rainy, darker, colder), and yes it's probably also PMS (I could double as a flotation device right now) but I think it's more than that. This is such a long journey. One that I will never give up on but it's so long and challenging and HARD all the same. I keep wondering why I've been bouncing around the same numbers on the scale for over a year, and I think the simple reason is I'm comfortable. I'm not longer squeezing into a size 25 jeans, I slip quite comfortably into a size 18, and on a good day, I'll squeeze into my size 16 Calvin Klein dark rinse slim bootcut jeans (oh how I love them!). I'm no longer hunting for clothes in the way I used to; yes, it's still difficult but nowhere NEAR how painful it used to be. I'm no longer the largest person I know and I can't remember the last time in my life I was able to say that (if I was ever able to say that before!) But as 'comfortable' as I MIGHT be, I am still unhappy. BINGO. There's the motivation factor.

It doesn't matter how comfortable I am, I'm still not happy so I must forge ahead. Head down, nose to the grindstone, keep pushing, keep trying, good God I am so determined to get there to my goal weight/size! But why must this journey get harder, not easier?

I want to welcome all my new followers and thank all you lovely people who posted comments. I have been so MIA but I have been noticing and I'm sending the love right back out there to you. But going MIA is something I do when times get tough. I go inward, I seek answers, a plan of action, a list of priorities, and it always comes from within. I have trouble asking for help, and I'm slowly working on that. But for right now and what I'm dealing with I don't think it has to do with asking for help. I think this is something I have to do for myself.

Because life happens. It's all interdependent. And I'M the one who has to make it work. It doesn't matter how much help I have, I am the one who has to make the choices and take the steps in the right direction. I am the one who has to make the healthy decisions. I am the one who has to do the work. No apologies about being busy, or at work, or studying, or needing to workout, or just being generally MIA; if that's what I need to do, then so be it (see? Selfishness! I'm learning!!) I guess in my very long-winded almost three in the morning post (yeah I know, getting back into a regular sleeping pattern is also one of those things I'm trying to do) all I am trying to say is I'm trying and praying that it is enough.

There is so much happening right now, and I feel like I'm struggling or sinking, but maybe I'm not. Maybe it's called trying. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I am demanding a lot from myself & spreading myself a little thin right now so perhaps trying IS the best I can do. Possibly it's all I can give right now. But I know the more aware I become of it, the more I will try and fix it. And that's great too. Even if I slip. Because practice makes perfect. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

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