See You on the Other Side

This is just a little advanced warning that I will most likely be MIA for the next 1-2 weeks. I will be at least trying to keep up with my Factors for being Fat Free Fridays but I can't make any promises*.

School is getting crazy but I'm loving every minute of it. There are the 20 class hours a week, but quizzes and assignments are multiplying, not to mention finding practice time. If massage was something you could do alone I am sure I would have no problem finding the time to practice (although if it was done solo I am sure it's called something else) but scheduling time with a classmate or friend also eats up precious time. Then there's also the physical exhaustion that comes from massage. My abs are still tingling and my quads are still feeling the affects of holding those squats on Saturday. (Bright side? My abs & quads will be ripped in no time!)

Work is also crazy. Usually it's boring, uneventful, and monotomous (just the way I like it. Otherwise I'd never find the time to study!) But I am getting a pseudo promotion (it's a higher position, but in a different department, hence the 'pseudo' part of it) which means eventually replacing one of my current shifts with one of the new position shifts. No problem. BUT... in the meantime it means doing ALL my current shifts PLUS 2 shifts of training for the new job. Yikes. This all equates to a few 14-hour days, and me having to rely on being a perfect lil angel when it comes to eating right, and trying to get as many steps in as possible because there's no way I can keep my sanity (and get enough sleep!) if I add a full-blown workout to those 14-hour days.

I'm a little scared too because me + theatre + long hours = how I got fat in the first place! I am going to allow myself the extra piece of fruit and/or yogurt if I feel like I need it, because it's a way better choice than running to the 99c pizza slice place on the corner! So if I'm going to add extra calories, I promise they will be filled with nutritious values like protein, fiber, and organic items, and not full of fat & sugar!

So between work, school, studying, practicing, eating right, getting enough sleep (a big challenge for me!!), and doing the mundane things like cleaning, laundry, and keeping my sanity, I am thinking I might not have time to blog. Just sayin'.* I am going to try tweet when I can, and who knows? Maybe I will become WonderWoman and find the time to do it all afterall! Who says we can't have our healthy yogurt parfait and eat it too?

Wish me luck!... See you on the other side, hopefully a little lighter! (and not too exhausted!)


*No offense to my lovely readers or my blog that has been a great source of motivation for me (commitment to writing = commitment to staying on track & succeeding!), but if I can't find time to spend with my guy during the next 1-2 weeks, then I REALLY can't make any promises about how much time I'll spend on here! lol. But you guys know I love you :) Stay tuned, and in the meantime, kick the fitness & healthy diets up a notch, and kick some weigh-in ass!

FFFF#5: When I was a Wee Lass...

... I was a competitive Scottish Highland Dancer. No, really! I was!

From 13 glorious years from ages 5-18 my life consisted of 2-3 dance classes a week, practicing in my living room after school, and travelling to many competitions both regionally, nationally, and on one occasion, internationally*.

I only bring this up because what I wouldn't give to do one last competition. To be that fit again. To be that toned and lean again. To have a 'natural' 4 pack again (natural as in I didn't work at it specifically. It just appeared through dancing so often! How cool is that?) To be able to fit back into my costumes (I still have them!) and say I'm back to my old self again.

I know you can't go back in time, and I also know it isn't good to dwell on what used to be. I completely understand that while I might end up back at that same size, this time round may end up being a case of 'same, same, but different.'

But that's OK. Just give me one more chance. One little comeback. Even if the only person in the world that knows and can take supreme pride and joy in the event of a comeback is me.

A huge Factor to be Fat-Free: to fit into my costumes again and dance!

*The World Championships in Cowal, Scotland in 1999 plus other various championships around Scotland for 5 weeks. Got to celebrate my 17th birthday over there too!

PS. As someone who doesn't have DVR or TiVo or a VCR, I am one week behind on my Biggest Loser episodes (but I'm grateful to see them at all! Thanks Hulu!) but I just realized after posting this, that this could totally fit into the 'Second Chances' category. The Biggest Loser always hit home, but maybe this season it might even hit home a little closer than usual.

Meet My Evil Twin

As I was perusing facebook last night, I came across some newly uploaded photos of one of my facebook friends. These photos made me delightfully happy and motivated me to no end, so one of my first reactions was that I simply must blog about this! But then I realized in order to blog about it, I'm going to have to knowingly be outright rude, mean, and basically a bitch. So, without further delay, please meet my evil twin...

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Don't deny it, you all have an evil twin. But everyone likes to be nice and pleasant all the time and I'm here to tell you it's a bunch of crap cause we all judge and think evil thoughts (some more often than others). Anyway, last night I stumbled upon some new photos posted on facebook. They were of a girl that I like to refer to as one of my frenemies. As the name implies, we used to be friends back in the day, and while we didn't have a huge fight or confrontation, I just choose to no longer associate myself with her. She has gossiped, bitched, exaggerated, and lied one too many times for me to trust her anymore. Oh, and I haven't just witnessed her do this to/about other people; I've caught her doing it about me too. We are still perfectly plesant to one another, but I wouldn't trust her with any real information even if my life depended on it.

But this isn't meant to be a bitch fest. This is about how new facebook photos of her have motivated me and make me smile. Why? Cause she got fat.

See, evil thoughts right? As someone who is struggling to lose weight you would think me of ALL people would understand her plight. But nope. I really don't care how she ended up gaining weight, and I'm not saying she deserves it either (because no-one deserves to be unhealthy in any way, shape or form) but it made me happy all the same. I can't explain it any better than that. It just made me smile. It made me want to lose more weight. It made me want to be the skinny bitch, so in case I ever run into her again, I can smile some more as I watch her pick her jaw up off the floor and be jealous. Yep, that's right, I said it. And all this boils down to is...

Success is the sweetest revenge.

I love that saying. It is so true. I would never like to think I am petty enough to 'seek revenge' on someone, far from it. But I am a very goal orientated, driven person, so I might as well use that to my advantage. Plus I have witnessed first hand how succeeding in something is all it takes to feel like the universe delivered someone their just desserts, and you didn't have to lift a finger regarding that other person. You don't get your hands dirty and you accomplish something for yourself. How sweet are those just desserts?!

I'm always very careful to pick goals and motivators that are for ME, and no-one else. Unfortunately, watching a frenemy turn green with jealousy falls more into the 'doing it for someone else' category than doing it solely for me. But one little making someone else jealous, or drool, or proud, or whatever, every once in a while can't hurt. It's good for the soul, and for the ego. Not to mention as I said previously, one of my initial reactions was IT MOTIVATED ME. And anything that motivates me these days, I have the urgent need to grab with both hands and milk it for every drop of sweet motivation it's worth!

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Sidenote: Meanwhile, on the business end of things, thanks to 5 days of antibiotics, being too busy to function, and now sore thighs from way too many lunges and squats on Saturday, I have not run for a week. I feel lazy, whale-like, and I am really start to miss my morning routine. Must catch up on my running - I am still determined to finish the c25k running program by/on Halloween!

Who Do You Worship?

What better day to talk about 'our bodies being our temples' than on a Sunday! So please turn the page* with the passage about how we are taking control of our bodies and fighting the fat!

I had an amazing day yesterday. If I haven't already mentioned I am studying massage therapy and should have my license by January 2011. Studying massage therapy and ultimately becoming a massage therapist for me means not only a more lucrative second career (although it may end up being my first and maybe one day even my only career... we shall see) but for completely selfish reasons I wanted to bring health, body, and wellness into my daily life. And let me tell you, it's working!

Not only do I have class 4 days a week (one of those days is a full day of hands on classes, both giving and receiving massage. And yes we have to get naked to receive massage - yikes! - but more on that later) but I am studying and/or reviewing everyday. There's a lot of science study/homework of course as well as the practical stuff like techniques and body mechanics, but essentially what ALL of this stuff points to is LOOK AFTER YOUR BODY.

We only get one. So why do I insist on abusing and torturing mine? (I say 'do' not 'did' because although I would love to refer to it in the past tense, I'm not quite perfect yet when it comes to healthy habits! Well, not yet!) Sigh! But that ugly, depressing thought aside, it doesn't actually make me dwell on the 'Why?', it makes me dwell on the 'Why don't I change it right now?' Awesomeness, right? I'll say! Crack that whip and let's get to it!

First of all, all my science classes make me want to be anatomically correct (I don't see any diagrams or dummies with bellies or jiggly thighs!) and all my practical classes.... well, it's twofold! One: it would be nice not to feel self-conscious when people are palpating or massaging you (Oh you can't feel it? yeah, you just need to push harder through that area of fat to feel it). And two: it would be nice to already have a lot of the strength and endurance that is required to massage!

Now I'm not talking strong arms or hands like most people think, especially in regards to Swedish massage. I'm talking core strength and lunges. Yep, lunges! And don't even get me started on the core strength needed in Shiatsu class so far...

But I am loving every minute of it. It is inspiring me to work harder, stay more focused, keep making healthy choices every single day, and keeping me so thrilled that I have chosen a second profession that will keep me fit. Not only fit but does so whilst reminding me how important it is to be relaxed and centred, and above all in balance. Amen to that!

PS. My practice partner is a totally cute STRAIGHT boy who when he asked me to be his practice partner I happily said yes seeing as he's quickly becoming my new bestie. It wasn't till later that the logistics set in... ah crap. This isn't sitting around the living room, buried in anatomy textbooks and comparing notes with my Cute Straight Boy (CSB). This is getting naked and rubbing oil all over each other! Eeek! I don't care that I'm seeing someone or that CSB has a girlfriend - it's still 'eeek!' But it turns out he was just as nervous as I was, and once we got going, it was so much fun! Both receiving the massage (he's really good!) and giving massage (he dozed off a little and the first thing he said to me afterwards was 'more... I want more!' so both of those things are a really good sign that I think I might just be good at what I do). But even though I had an amazing time both in and out of class yesterday, that doesn't mean I wasn't self-conscious. Having CSB massage me at least once a week is definitely another reason and incentive to drop the weight, and fast!

*I'm not sure what the page number is... try searching in the Book of Revelations ;)

FFF#4: Keep Dreaming

Dream.


Believe.


Create.


Succeed.





I love each and every one of these words, especially when you put them together in this order. This is one of the first quotes I fell in love with and it continues to inspire me.

This is one of my Future-Me pics. What better way to list my Factors for being Fat Free Friday than to tell you exactly what it is about this picture that makes it so great.

- A flat belly. Need I say more? No, but I will anyway. I love the ab definition. I am not a fan of muscle-bound ladies - more power to them! - but that look is just not for me. However, my idea of hot 'n' steamy is definitely more fitness inspired than most others. I want tone and definition while still maintaining curves and femininity (think Beyonce not Madonna). So! Not only a washboard stomach from midriff to gut (what gut? haha) but I would love to have a nice little 4-pack to go along with it. As I may have mentioned previously, I used to have a 4-pack from dancing. Not from sit ups, or yoga, or pilates, just from when I used to dance competeively (it's all about the core strength!). Maybe back then if I had actually got on the floor and done some crunches I might have ended up with the whole 6 instead of just 4.

- Thighs that don't touch. What a novel concept. Is this even normal? Even at my fittest, my thighs still touched; even if it was just a little bit right at the top. I cannot imagine how amazing it must feel to have thighs that don't touch. Wow, I am in awe just thinking about it. Say it with me: 'Thighs that don't touch'... Mmm. What a lovely thought.

- Firm arms. Again, not Madonna arms, but just arms that are tight and don't jiggle would be enough to make me do the happy dance. Not to mention wave my arms like I just don't care! Cause you know what? For once I wouldn't care! I would be completely carefree in a sleeveless top and totally liberated of being self-conscious about my arms. Cause they will be firm and fabulous; just like my abs.

- Wearing a cute matching sports bra & shorts. OK, I have no idea where I would wear this, let alone work out in it, but just knowing I could wear this somewhere else than in my apartment when I am home alone would be enough for me. The idea of any outfit where I have absolutely nowhere to 'hide' is such a bewildering and awe-inspiring thought to me; I just can't shake it. So I might as well use it to my advantage!

I'll pass on the belly button piercing though. It's just not my style :)

Shake What Your Mama Gave You!

This will be my last apology for not being more consistent with my blogging and tweeting. So: I'm sorry! Truly, I am! And I am apologizing to myself as much as each and every one of you who care to drop by (and who I really love for doing so!).

But I say last because I know I get bored of reading "I'm so sorry!" at the start of every post. I can't help thinking 'Yes, yes, we know, just get to the good stuff already...! I want to hear what's been happening, not how sorry you are!" (Unless you scoffed the remainder of that chocolate cake while standing in front of the fridge door. In which case, yes, be sorry! Shame on you! (Shame on me too. I am sure I have done that at some point too)lol)

Between full time school (yes, I am back at school again, but I'll save that for another post), full time work, and losing weight and getting healthy being a full time job and a half, I am just not finding the time to blog and tweet like I used to! But it's a small sacrifice to ensure I am staying on track. Would I prefer to blog about how I wish I had more time to run, or actually go for a run? You see my point :)

OK, business first. I completed day 1 of week 3 of c25k. WOW! I started out thinking I might not be ready for this but I'm going to give it my all and if I can't do it there is no harm in doing week 2 for another week. Well, I was doing pretty well... until my podcast said "OK, 3 minute run coming up" I'm sorry, WHAT?!? Oh hell... Up until this point runs have been 60-90 sec, and suddenly we're jumping to 3 minutes??? It was in that moment that I realized this might just be more mental then physical. And whaddya know? I was right! I got through it. I even got through the SECOND 3minute running interval. Oy. I am both proud and exhausted just thinking about it.

OK now the fun stuff... I broke in my new nike plus shoes by wearing them around for the day (LOVE!!! I cannot describe how happy I feel when I look down and see new Nikes. I would expect it's the same feeling Carrie Bradshaw feels when she looks down and sees new Manolos) and I decided to complete the look I'd go with some fitted bootleg yoga pants, stretchy cami, and cropped long-sleeve little cardigan sweater (can you believe it got cold so fast?) Anyway, I'm not feeling my hottest, depsite the new shoes. Feeling more sporty and perhaps cute, but definitely like all my lumps and jiggles were on display. But, running late I just had to like it or lump it (pun not intended) because there was no time for a quick costume change!

I get to work, and I got so many compliments that day on how good I looked! What the hell??! So.... let me get this straight: lycra and fitted clothes that expose every piece of blubber, fat, and imperfection make me look good?? But when I wear clothes that are still fitted but gracefully skim my rolls of fat and I think I look good in, no-one says anything. Hmm. Verrrrryy Innnnterrresttingg....

Lesson learned: sometimes you need to trust other people's judgement rather than your own. And sometimes, hiding really IS the worst thing you can do. Sometimes you just need to stand tall and proud, show off your body and be damn proud of it, jiggles and all!



PS. Heard a great story from a new friend about her friend who started doing c25k at 290lbs. She's completed that and now she's training for a half marathon. Oh, and she now weighs 190lbs. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!!! Bring it on! Talk about THINspiration!

You Can Take the Girl Out of the Blog...

Oh my! Ever since classes started I am one busy, busy girl! But don't worry, I have stayed faithfully on track. If anything, that's the reason I wasn't blogging - every spare second was taken up being as healthy as possible in the given circumstances!

Hopefully more to come on my busy little bumblebee happenings later... right now I just really wanted to post some runs! I think I'm ready for week 3 of c25k. I kind of want to do week 2 one last time; I'm not sure if that's because I want to make certain I'm ready to move on, or because perhaps I'm scared to. So far c25k is surprisingly, almost eerily!, easy!

PS. After mentioning to a friend that I just improved on my fastest mile time, he challenged me to run a mile in under 8 minutes. Now, I'm a long way off from that, not to mention it's a little unfair seeing as he's uber buff, fit, and a bit of a gym junkie and he can only do a mile in about 10 minutes. (OK he's a little lazy on the cardio, but I still see him as a gym junkie. And yes, he's a little bit yummy as well! All the deliciousness with none of those messy calories!) Plus he's 6'1 and I'm only 5'3! Hello?! I have shorter legs! But he doesn't seem to care. And honestly? Neither do I. I'm still up for the challenge!

I am not sure what I get if I meet this challenge because we are still working out the details, and to be perfectly honest I am not sure exactly why he is challenging me to do this. Part of me thinks it's the wannabe Personal Trainer and lover of all things fitness in him wanting to see me excel, part of me thinks he's just being a ass (because boys can be dumb!) and throwing it out there half as a joke and half thinking I can't do it (and if that's even remotely true, I'll show him!!!), and part of me thinks (& I'm not afraid to admit that this is my favourite reason!) I know he thinks I'm hot now so he can hardly imagine how smokin' hot I'll be if I'm fit enough (and light enough!) to run a mile in 8 minutes or under :)

It won't happen overnight but it WILL happen!

FFFF#3: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing But The Truth

One of the ultimate reasons I want to be fat free is because I no longer want fat to be an excuse.

I didn't think I ever used fat as an excuse. When I realized I sometimes do, I realized that it was happening in many more cases than I care to admit.

And I'm not talking about the run-of-the-mill 'I chose not to go to a party because I feel fat', even though that is a very valid form of using fat as an excuse. I'm talking about the sneaky ways being unhealthy and being unhappy about it can really sneak up on you and bite you in the butt. HARD. And not let go either. through DOUBT.

Doubt to me can be worse than an excuse. At least with an excuse you have made up your mind. "I am fat and that is why xyz can't happen". But with doubt you'll never know. And for me, it always boils down to if an event happened because I am fat then that could have been prevented from happening because fat is something you can prevent. (Make sense?)

Things like knowing I gave a great job interview but didn't get the job. Knowing that perhaps things won't work out with a guy because maybe we're not completely compatible. Not getting the same customer service as other people (whether this work for you or against you). All of these are great examples of me asking myself 'is it because I'm fat?'

No sooner than I ask the question that the seed of doubt is planted. And it really sucks. Cause you'll never really know for sure.

I am looking forward to the day that I can tell myself with complete confidence that I didn't get the job solely because there was a better candidate. Or I stopped seeing someone because we just aren't compatible. Or I got crappy customer service because this Sales Associate sucks. Yep, that will be a great day indeed!

PS. Although, it could also go the other way. I could be fat free and it helps me get the job, get the guy, and get the great customer service. And any or all of those things wouldn't be bad either.

Dead without Deadlines

I think it's time to start setting more mini-goals WITH dates attached.

I think I stopped when I was failing them more often than not and it was really starting to get me down.

But it's time to slap myself and snap out of it (did anyone else just picture Cher in Moonstruck?) Deadlines will push me to succeed. And if I fail the deadline it does not mean I failed myself!!! Quite the opposite! The only way I fail is without trying at all.

So! Another mini-goal: I am currently on week 2 of c25k. That means week 9 is the last week of October. So by October 31st I should be able to run 5k! No stopping, no walking, no cheating, just running!!!

Does this mean I get a detention?

I have a very long day today, or at least longer than I'm used to: 9am-10pm. So when my alarm went off at 5:55am for my morning workout, I reset it and opted for an extra hour of sleep. Was that bad?

I am only supposed to run on alternate days with the c25k program and I know I was planning on a cardio session, so that's not a bad thing. But I really should have got in some resistance and strength work, which I am terrible at keeping up with. Hmm.

Meanwhile sleeping in on a work day felt very strange indeed. Skipping my workout felt like I was doing something 'naughty'... like ditching class or eating the last cookie. So I definitely feel more rested, but a little strange nonetheless. Almost like I should feel grateful for not getting caught. Or perhaps I didn't get away with it... we shall see.

So perhaps I need to find another solution. This is the first of many 13hour days ahead for me as I attempt something I've never done before: go to school full time AND work full time. And I plan on still eating right, getting enough exercise in, AND still trying to get enough sleep (that one might actually be the toughest come to think of it)

Looks like I have some scheduling and planning to do...

SIDENOTE: Woke up again last night in the middle of the night and found myself at the refrigerator. At first I thought it was not eating enough during the day but I am eating all the food on my plan, so perhaps it's a bad habit I need to break afterall...?

PS. Although if my food plan is 1700 calories and I'm burning about 400 in a workout doesn't that mean I'm only consuming around 1300 calories? Is that a good deficit or is 1700 already a deficit? Definitely a good question for my JC consultant on Thursday.

Must've been the bikini pics...

How could I forget??! I got a new personal best for the mile this morning: 13.58

woot! woot!

Labor & Labor Pains

Happy Labor Day everyone!

I'm feeling much, much better now that the ibuprofen has kicked in. And I have to say, I am off to a stellar start for the day! Got the laboring part in (Day 2 of week 2 of c25k can kiss my big jiggly butt!), & unfortunately you can put a big check next to the labor pains too (good god someone please just remove my uterus! It would be so much less painful than enduring these cataclysmic cramps!)

I am not sure how I got myself out the door this morning, nor in the shower and somewhat dressed for work; I should be in bed crouched over a hot water bottle in the fetal position & moaning like a dying cow while watching daytime television (I say 'somewhat dressed' because I am wearing sweats in public. Hey, it's a holiday and I'm at work and in muted pain, I'm allowed to look like a hot mess*). Actually, the only time I wasn't in pain today was during my run (well, I was I guess. But it's a different kind of pain)

I think I can thank my stellar start to the day to the bikini I purchased yesterday. Yep, a string bikini too. Yikes! I decided I should get one while they're on sale and so I can watch myself shrink into it over the comeing months. Not to mention those before pictures are going to be PRICELESS in motivating me!

I definitely wasn't wrong. I got home, put on the bikini (I felt like a hippo dressed in dental floss) was a little disappointed that the bottoms felt like they sort of fit already (I'm supposed to shrink into it, so I wanted it a little small). I took 4 photos: the front, the back, and each side view. I felt my breath catch in my throat as I reviewed them. Um, no! The bottom's most certainly do NOT fit!! There isn't just muffin top in this photo, it's the whole muffin and then some! And in the photo of my back, where did the string go? Oh I see - or rather I don't see - because it disappeared into that roll of fat! And are those dimples on my BELLY?? Oh good God, someone just shoot me now...

Well, after taking the "What's Your Motivation?" quiz over at Self Magazine, it turns out they were right & vanity IS my #1 motivator. I think I knew that and I've been avoiding it. After all, narcissism is not one of my favourite personality traits. But as the saying goes 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em' You have to work with what you have and turn it around to your advantage.

So vanity motivates me, huh? Well instead of wistfully picturing Future Me in a bikini, how about the stone cold reality of me NOW in a bikini? ACK! Just the sight of it makes me want to do a month's worth of interval running in the next 24 hours! Or just run.... run away as fast as I can from looking and daring to even imagine living another day looking like that. Either way, it's got me moving so I guess it's working!!

I may or may not post the dreaded bikini pics here. I haven't quite decided. Taking the photos for my own eyes only was a big enough slice of humble pie; posting them here would be like gorging on the whole pie and asking for seconds. I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of humilation.

Then again, in the spirit of turning thing around to my advantage, I guess I should see it not as shameful and embarassing but rather as a way of showing my commitment. My commitment to NOT look like this, and to never look like this ever again!



*Wearing sweats and/or looking like a hot mess in public is just asking to run into someone you know, or someone cute, or a combination of both. Wish me luck that today I am the exception to this rule!

PS. I am working on some progress pics though. Stay tuned...

STOOPID!!!

I ruined my own run this morning! I could kill myself! I felt so angry and disappointed at the same time. In fact, I still am feeling disappointed. Let me start at the beginning and take you on the whole journey...

Got up at 6am. I was at the park by 630am. I was feeling great. Early mornings do that to me. Partly cause there's something so exhilarating yet peaceful about early mornings and partly cause I'm still impressed when not only do I get up early, but I get up and run. Call it 'Fat Girl Mentality' but sometimes I still can't quite believe that I do that.

After a 5 minute warm up walk I'm off for my first interval run. Dodge the dog walker with 5 dogs. Overtake a runner - woohoo (OK, so he was about 80 years old but I still overtook him!) Oh dammit, should have worn my other sports bra (yes, I play favorites, especially with my workout clothes). Then I start having this weird feeling. It kinds hurts. I'm not sure what it is. I put it down to my body just waking up and keep going.

As I'm walking off my first interval I can't help feeling that this doesn't feel right. The paranoid fat girl in me is worried I'm having a heart attack. But that's not quite it. It feels lower. It's time to start interval #2 and decide to push on. I'm sure it will go away...

Well I barely made it through the second interval. Something was wrong and it was ruining my run. The first emotion was surprisingly anger. I was annoyed i couldn't run. I had no idea what was wrong. It was almost like I felt like throwing up. Oh bugger is that it?? Crap, am I... pregnant? Oh shit shit shit! But how?? We were careful... We always are... Do I need to swing by the drugstore on the way home?? But I didn't bring any money... Argh! What to do... What to do...

Then I realized. Wait, didn't I have cup of coffee before my run? Usually I have nothing but a few sips of water. But today for some reason I chugged 3 cups of water and had a coffee. What was I thinking?? I think that's just it: I WASN'T thinking. So does that mean...? Could it be? Is this just... Indigestion??

Thank Jebus, Mary Kate, and Ashley Olsen I am not pregnant. But that doesn't bring my run back!

I walked the rest of the way and was feeling much better by the end. So I got in a 30 minute walk instead. Not a complete loss. But definitely a lesson learned!

PS. I know I will look back at this and laugh. "is it a Heart attack?? Is it Pregnancy?? Nope, just indigestion". Sigh! But right now all I want is a do-over!

Sidenote: sometimes celibacy seems like a really good alternative to having a minor freak out every other month!

Kicking Some Interval Butt!

Hey! c25k! Yeah, week 2! I'm talking to you!

I just want to say..... HA! Take that week 2 of c25k! I thought at times during that 30 minutes you were going to get the better of me, but I am stronger than you and I persevered and you were over before I knew it and guess what? I was still standing on the other side! So take that! Neener-neener-neener!

Look at me go! woot! woot! [insert happy dance here]

(although, I must admit you challenged me enough to make me think I might need/want to do 2 weeks of week 2 before moving onto week 3. But that's OK. It will just give me more time to build my strength so I can beat your sorry excuse for a cousin, week 3, into the ground as well!)

With sweaty determination,
Faithfully,
105 xx

FFFF #2: Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I shouldn't "should" myself to death, but here's my list for Factors to be Fat Free Friday anyway!

Under the microscope...

1.) Collarbones. I should be able to see them clearly
2.) Chin. There should only be 1, regardless of angle
3.) When I wave at someone and then stop, my upper arm should not still be waving at them on its on accord
4.) My belly shouldn't need its own sports bra when I run
5.) Dimples belong on my FACE cheeks, not my butt cheeks
6.) Because buying clothes for your width when you are drowning in the height gets really old, really fast
7.) I believe that extra extra wide calf boots should be able to fit me
8.) I hate bony backs but my shoulder blades should be at least slightly prominent
9.) I shouldn't have a fat roll under each armpit like a 3rd & 4th boob respectively
10.) I should be tight and toned, not flabby and jiggly!

Off for a wog. If I run hard enough and my belly bounces enough, maybe it will bounce right off me!

Is "Struggling" an Ugly Word?

Even though I have only been blogging for about a month now, I have been on this journey since July 2007. When I remind myself that I have been losing or trying to lose for over 2 years, I am a little more forgiving of myself when I see my inspiration and motivation wavering.

But I don't like to admit that I have trouble staying focused. Because in a sense, I don't. Am I happy where I am physically? No. Do I still want the same goals as I did in the beginning? Even more than ever. It's the daily grind, the small stuff that seems to be giving me in the most trouble. But I hate saying I'm struggling; perhaps because it's a form of saying "I need help".

So lately, I have been in search of things to keep me motivated. To stay inspired. Because every little choice is a step closer to my goal. At the moment, I am probably succeeding on about 50% of those tiny daily choices. I need to get that back up to 80% and up.

This blog is one of those things. And it is definitely helping keep my mind on track. And you, lovely readers, were my surprise bonus; you and your blogs inspire me more than I ever could inspire myself on my own.

Typically, I am a very visual person. I think there's a reason I used to scrapbook and journal. Writing entries one day, cutting out images that move and inspire me the next. In one of my random google searches I came across these female athletes:

T-Nation: Figure Athletes

Now, I'll be the first to admit that some of these women have a few too many muscles and veins showing than I would like! But some of them don't. Some are just lean and firm with slight muscle definition. I find images like this so inspiring. To know it really IS possible to look like that.

I know I won't ever look exactly like that. I will look like MY version of that. And you know what? That version will be even better than any of those pics combined!

So I am very excited about aiming for Hawaii for Thanksgiving! I am hoping for a brand new swim suit for then. It may not be a bikini but if it doesn't include a swim skirt or the words "Miraclesuit"* then I'll be one happy camper!

(Failing Hawaii, then I'm going somewhere warm and tropical for Christmas, so either way, I've GOT to get my jiggly big butt in gear!!)

*Not that I don't love MiracleSuits! I would just prefer to be wearing them in a size 8 or 10, not a size 16 or 18!

It's just like I imagined, only better!

I almost didn't post today. My new work schedule has meant that Wednesday is typically my lazy day. My 'do whatever I want' day.

Now this doesn't mean a hiatus from my diet or exercise plans, but it does mean a little vacation from responsibility for a day. No bill paying, no money-worrying, no meetings, no phone calls to make, no errands to run. Nothing but whatever I FEEL like doing. However, blogging felt like the one "responsibility" that it feels wrong to take a break from. So here I am.

I have been throwing around ideas about Hawaii for Thanksgiving. It's the next time I'll be able to get away if I so choose, and to be honest, it probably won't happen. But I think I'll keep that little fact a secret from myself. Why? Because the moment I started to really picture it, I suddenly found myself a) wishing I could be swimsuit ready by then, and b) calculating exactly how much time there is between now and then and thinking of realistic yet challenging goals to fit the time frame.

The point is I haven't felt that kind of motivation in a while. I am not sure when I stopped setting mini-goals like that for myself, but it's definitely time to start again!

Sure, there are the post-event motivators ("that was fun but next time, I'm going to be THIS size!"), and there are rewards ("only 4 more workouts till my mani/pedi!") but there is nothing quite like focusing on a future event.

Deciding on a future event, picturing it, imagining it, how much fun it will be, how exciting it is. Then picture it 20lbs lighter. Or in a smaller dress size. WOW! Makes a huge difference doesn't it? Suddenly everything gets brighter, happier, and more hopeful. Suddenly skipping the cheese in your salad or getting in an extra walk is so effortless because that future goal is so real and so beautiful, you'll do what you have to to make it a reality.

So here I am. A little under 3 months from Thanksgiving, and I want to see what I can do! Because my weight is being such a little b**ch right now, I'm going to focus on size.

At LEAST one size smaller by November 26 2009.

I would love to say 2 sizes, but seeing as my weight and size don't move much these days I want to keep it realistic. So one size smaller is my red velvet cake. Two sizes smaller is the creamy rich icing on top. (three sizes is the sprinkles, the whipped cream, some vanilla ice cream, chocolate fudge drizzled on top along with some fresh cut strawberries; and taking a photo of the whole damned cake instead of eating it in fear of undoing all the hard work of losing three dress sizes in the first place!)

Maybe the reason I stopped picking future events to focus on is that my social life isn't as happening these days (by choice), so there aren't as many events to plan on and look forward to, but the why/what/how's of that are for another post.

PS. I just downloaded the Lose Weight with Andrew Johnson app onto my iPod Touch. Now, I know this guy is good to relax to because I've used his free Relaxation app and every single time I fall asleep within 10 minutes! And as someone who usually lies awake for 30-60minutes, that's really saying something! (Plus you gotta love that sexy Scottish accent of his... Mmmm...) I hate paying for apps but I figured if he doesn't help me lose weight, he'll definitely help me get to sleep! Only done it once so far, but gotta say I haven't had any cravings today and of all things, I had the incredible urge to cook. ME! Cook! HA!!! (The only thing I make successfully in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires) So I don't know whether to attribute that to the Sexy Scottish Hypnosis Relaxation sounds I drifted to sleep to, or if the stars were aligned, or if it was just some random occurrence. Time will tell. I've always been a little curious about hypnosis and the subconscious when it comes to dealing with addictions, fears, and the like. I'll definitely keep you posted!

The Subway Just Got a Little Sweeter

... or unsweetened as the case may be.

I saw a story on NY1 this morning and I have to admit, I am in full support of this!

Not only does it make for more interesting reading on the subway for me (like the poster with a list of calories in certain beverages; I just know I am going to end up memorizing that list during my daily commute), but because it's totally true! New Yorkers, generally speaking, do not have the healthiest diet.

In fact, just the other day I was chatting with a girlfriend who commented how it would be easier to lose weight in New York because you have to walk everywhere (hell, with all the stairs in this city it's like New York has a built-in StairMaster). While this is also a case of 'grass is greener' (I would totally love to live in FL where she is and be surrounded by warm weather and beach bodies constantly!) I've also noticed how unhealthy the food choices are in New York.

We eat on the run, we buy a slice for 99c, and don't even get me started on the inexpensiveness and convenience of street meat vendors (I have never eaten street meat nor do I intend to, but damn their stuff smells good sometimes!).

I liken this to chain restaurants and bigger food companies that are now required to list calories next to their menu items. Horrifying? Sometimes. But helpful? You better believe it!

Now when I do go out to eat the numbers I'm scanning are calories, not prices. And I'm loving it.

Oh Yeah? Make Me!

I didn't go for my run this morning, I got an extra hour of sleep instead.

And for once, I'm not beating myself up about it (well, not completely anyway). Evidently I needed the extra hour of sleep.

I'm tired, cranky, crabby, bloated, and defensive for no reason. I'm just thankful this isn't a 'lighting quick temper' month or a 'burst into tears over my pen falling off the desk' month.

Part of me is disappointed because I was going to move on to week 2 of c25k this morning. But Running-Me can suck it... er, um, I mean... 'But alas, it will have to wait until next workout'.

...It's just one of those days.