Recommended Reading

Even though I have completed both a Bachelors and a Masters degree, I will admit I have never been good at keeping up with the recommended reading. Required reading I do a little better at, but honestly I would always barely get through that, if I got through all of it in the first place (I'm good at talking, debating, & proving my point with examples all topped off with a hint of defiance, confidence, and a sprinkling of bulls**t so I get away with it; Sometimes I think I should have been a lawyer instead).

So I want to say to all my lovely readers, most of which have blogs, that I do read your blogs too! I don't always leave comments, but for the first time in my life I am LOVING my recommended reading list!

But I do have a question: Much like the tree falling in the proverbial woods, if a reader reads a blog but leaves no comment, did the reading of it actually happen?

Do people prefer comments regardless, or only if they have something to say? I will admit more often than not that I fall into the latter. But I'm thinking we all love getting comments right? So even if I leave a little 'great post!' it makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Hmm... yet on the other hand as much as we love comments, a whole list of comments not really saying anything would be tiresome, no? Appreciated, but banal at the same time...?

I haven't quite decided. But I do think I should make a more conscious effort to comment on your blogs. Even if I have nothing further to add because you already summed it up so sucintly, then at the very least I just want to show my support and that I'm here :)

FFFF#18: Mrs Claus is a Wise Woman

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Be happy, be safe, and whatever choices you make (regardless of what they are), be PROUD of them!

Enabler Schmabler

Maybe it's because most of my friends are male...

Maybe it's because of the female friends I do have, they are all slim to average size...

Maybe it's because I'm a size 18 as opposed to my former size 24/26, so it's "easier" to find women who are a similar size to me...

Who knows? Either way, i am suddenly noticing there are more women who are a similar size to me in my day-to-day life these days. You would think I would enjoy finally being able to relate to people my size. I would have thought so too but I'm finding i'm having a very different problem.

Like most people, they take one look at me, and assume things. But this particular group is assuming a whole bunch of new assumptions that I don't particularly care for to say the least. Partly because i am probably the total opposite of what they are thinking, and second of all but most predominantly & my biggest gripe, they want me to be their ENABLER.

I hate enablers. I am guilty of it, and guilty of wanting them on occasion, but in general, it is a BAD THING.

There are quite a few "bigger girls" at massage school that I've met, and some I've got to know quite well. And they don't seem to care or seem interested in changing the fact that they are bigger. Unlike me, everything at that school makes me want to be smaller. That's their choice and I respect that. So why won't they respect my choice to not be complacent or comfortable with this size?

In our practical massage classes, I don't look at learning a new technique as 'wow, that's painful, I'm doing a minimal amount of that' instead i see it like a challenge. I'm going to need stronger abs? I'll add it to the To-Do list. I'm going to need more stamina and endurance? I'll add it to the To-Do list. None of this 'how can I avoid and/or minimize doing that technique' crap.

Or another perfect example, when we take a break or go on lunch: 'hey, let's get a burger!' No. no, I don't feel like stuffing my face with you just because we were just sweating up a storm and because I'm the same size as you, you assume things about my diet.

Why can't they embrace these healthy changes we are making for our chosen profession? Or at least the fact that Massage Therapists are all about promoting a healthy, balanced lifestyle? Don't they feel the need to practice what they preach? Sigh. But that's an uphill battle. Worse, it's like banging my head against the wall. And above all, they are entitled to their choices.

I of all people know that they will only change when THEY are ready to change.

But in the meantime, I really wish they would leave me out of their 'I hate exercise' and 'let's go eat fatty food' vicious downward spiral.

yep, that's right. I work out. I like to eat right. I will openly admit that I AM NOT HAPPY at this size. I won't shrug it off and look for an alternate solution. If my belly is in my way & is preventing me from doing something (c'mon think about it... how many physical things do you have to 'altar' because of belly fat preventing you from doing it the way healthy-sized people do it?) that's just another motivation for me to ensure the belly flab disappears forever. I will admit when something is just another reason to lose weight, or when something will be much easier when i lose weight. I think the big girls get scared by this. I guess cause I'm leaving them behind. And even though it seems they are in good company, I guess they don't like losing members of The Big Girl Club.

But perhaps formally returning my membership is the only way I will convince them to do the same. Well here it is! I'm officially turning in my 'fat girl for life' badge and RSVP NO to all future Big Girl Club type behavior!

Shake (Off) What Your Mama Gave You!

Does anyone else find it strange that amongst the list of things I want to do when I am at my goal size, there are quite a few... how shall we say, "risque" activities?

Things like:

-- I want to be a Hooters girl! (No really, I do!)
-- I want to pole dance & actually be really good at it (No really, I do!)
-- I want to dance in a cage or in a glass booth behind a bar, or something along those lines (No really, I do!)
-- I want to work in a Bikini Bar or Coyote Ugly type bar (no really, I do!)

Does this make me a whore??? LOL (yes, yes, I use the term loosely and in jest, and my apologies if I offend anyone)

And you can't forget about the flip side; all these jobs require some degree of talent. No, seriously, they do!

Pole dancing? Just go to youtube and search for a 'how to' video or look up 'Pole Dancing Championships' and you will see just how much strength, flexibility, agility, grace, and stage presence this highly skilled artform takes (yep, that's right, I called it an art form. C'mon... take away the pole and give those girls a few more feet of fabric covering their bodies and you're got professional gymnasts right there!

Dancing in a confined space? Again, skill, talent, and stage presence.

Bar work or a Hooters Girl? OK, technically the extent of their talents lie in don't spill the drinks or mix ups the orders. But think about it, do you have the mental ability and sparkling personality perseverance to deal with drunk oogling frat boys? or worse, drunk oogling businessmen? That takes skill (even if that 'skill' is just simple 'patience' and 'tolerance'!) And hey, some of those bar girls have mad mixing skills!

But yes, I will admit, at the end of the day all of these can be perceived as demeaning and/or shallow jobs. So why would I want to do them?

Because never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would not only have the body to do these jobs, but the confidence in myself that I could pull it off. I wouldn't even dare DREAM any of these things are possible.

But now I am daring to dream. Partly because I know I can shape, create, and mould the body *I* want. And my destiny is my chioce and my responsibility.

But mostly because I know I am creating and building the kind of confidence it will take for me to do one or any of these jobs with my head held high if I ever decide to do one or any of them.

And no matter how 'demeaning', or 'judged' I am by others, I will do these things with my head held high quite simply BECAUSE I CAN.

And I know for a fact that when I feel confident about something, I really don't give a **** what people think! (hey it's true, I'm blunt like that). All I know is I'm confident in my decision and you can judge me all you want without it affecting me in the slightest. How? Because at the end of the day you're not me or living my life so what do you care? Naturally of course you are entitled to your own opinion, but when i'm comfortable and confident in something your opinion doesn't matter to me at all. Not even a teensy bit. And besides being free of being overweight, being free of caring about other people's judgment of me will be the sweetest success of all.

See You Next Year!

Time's up folks! By the time this post hits its pre-scheduled posting time, I will already be on a plane somewhere between New York City and Hawaii. Woohoo!!!

This is much more of a relaxation holiday; No itinerary necessary. The only thing on the agenda is walking (maybe some wogging), tanning, and relaxing. Rinse, repeat :)

I will be back in 2010 refreshed, rejuvenated, tanned, & hopefully a few pounds lighter too!

In the meantime I have scheduled some posts for your reading pleasure while I'm away (Remember that housekeeping I was talking about?).

I wish you all a happy holidays and a fantastic New Year! (got your New Year's resolutions figured out yet?) I want to say that I feel so incredibly humble & extremely lucky that you all choose to share my flawed, dramatic journey with me and cheer me on when I need it, congratulate me when I deserve it, and slap my hand or poke me when appropriate. I can never thank you enough. You guys & this blog keep me going and keep me (or get me back) on track!

Have a safe, healthy, gorgeous, & ridiculously successful New Years!

FFFF#17: Don't Believe Everything You Read

Although as obvious as this is, I must remember that this is FALSE when I am lazing around on the beach next week...

4 more sleeps to go until Hawaii vacation!

FFFF#16: By Popular Demand

Well! You guys certainly are a pushy bunch! hahaha!

In truth, I put these pictures together when I first started this blog. But I hadn't decided whether or not to post them. My last post was specifically about how people, namely me, really do have that sparkle in their eye and truly look happier as their face gets thinner. But I wasn't about to plaster my face all over my anonymous blog. but I can understand that you guys want to see my progress & truthfully, I want to share it with you.

It's a mixture of pride and shame really. Gulp, but here it is!

*** images removed ***

Obviously, I'm not at 80lbs down anymore, I'm at 64lbs down (I created this just before I started this blog). But I'm the same size, those jeans still fit fine, so it stills paints you an accurate picture.

Factors for being Fat-Free: Because I want my 'After' photo already!

*** Edit To Add 01/04/10: I removed the photos. Sorry if you missed it. Better luck next time (you snooze, you lose!)

Be Happier

I did a little comparison of some photos of me. It should come at no surprise that unless a photo was taken specifically as a "before" photo, finding photos of me before is actually quite difficult. And if you want to find a full body one from before? Forget it! I never let it happen!

I'm noticing I'm a little more willing to be in photos and a little more willing for it be more than just a head and shoulders shot. But the thing I'm noticing most is that I'm happier.

This is one of those times I wish I wasn't anonymous so I could post them and show you what I'm talking about. But instead I'm going to have to rely on my articulation skills (lucky you guys).

I'll find a 'before' photo and I'll remember the party, or event, etc. and I'm genuinely happy in that photo. I know I am. And there's no reason to suspect otherwise. My eyes are smiling, my teeth are showing, it's not a half smile or anything like that. I'm happy.

Compare that to a photo taken in the last 6 months. I'm HAPPIER. I can't believe it. Maybe it's just a case of facial features being more prominent. Because beside the obvious 60+lbs weight loss, the person in the newer photos is most definitely happier.

My eyes are smiling more. My dimples seem bigger (they probably are). It's like a smile that is beaming. Dare I say, there is even a sparkle (gag!... but it's true) In comparison, the 'before' pic looks dull and lifeless; as if the look is fake. But it's not. Well, perhaps in a sense it was fake because I was clearly unhappy at that size. But in that moment, I knew I was just as happy in the 'before' photo as in the 'progress' photo (it's not an 'after' photo until I'm done!) but yet when comparing the facial expressions they are miles apart. The newer photo looks alive, with a bigger smile, and definitely much happier.

And the camera, like the scale, never lies.

FFFF#15: The 3 P's

Something that has been prevalent for me this week is being proud of my choices. So naturally I started throwing around ideas of that nature for my Factors for being Fat-Free Friday this week. Here's what I came up with: The three P's...

Pride.
Power.
Personal Best.

Pride.
As you already know my mantra for this week (and probably beyond) is to be proud of my choices. To make whichever choices I want, but I must be proud of them. I will admit I am a prideful person and this really affected me seeing it from this perspective. It's about taking pride in all that you do. That 'any task worth doing is worth doing well'. Factor for being Fat-Free: So I can be proud of my body as well as my achievement in attaining it.

Power.
Knowledge is power. So is control. Knowledge & control are amazing things. They give you the power to affect the outcome. A reality of your own making. Pick the happy ever after you want. Now that definitely sounds worth it. Factor for being Fat-Free: To prove to myself that my future is within my own power to shape & change as I see fit.

Personal Best.
This is a big one for me. I firmly & almost fiercely believe in personal best. As a highly competitive person I find it challenging and rewarding to compete with myself. I've also found that competing with myself & not others upsets the least amount of people, including myself! Perfection doesn't exist; but there is no harm in striving for it anyway. To be the best you can be. No exceptions. Factor for being Fat-Free: because in order to truly be at my personal best, I have to be at my personal best physically as well. And when I achieve that, that will definitely be something to be proud of.

Pride

I remember the mantra I used when I started on this journey: 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.' and wow did it work!

But as you progress along your journey, you change much more than you realize. You need to constantly reassess and check-in with yourself. Are you motivated by the same reasons? Do you want the same things? Quite often the things that used to give you trouble and challenge you no longer do, and you are faced with a whole new set of obstacles to overcome.

It's been a while since I've found a good mantra or some sort of succinct saying that will inspire me or help me in a time of need or both. Or maybe I got too over-confident and thought I didn't need one. It's hard to know you need to get back to basics when you KNOW the basics; it's difficult to really feel them for the first time again.

I like the idea of every day being filled with choices and every choice is an opportunity to take a step closer to your goal. Just like when I quit smoking and you're supposed to break it down as much as possible. 'One day at a time' is common however sometimes that's even too much, and you need to take it one moment at a time. Every moment when you choose not to smoke is another step closer to your goal. I realized I should see what happens if I apply the same strategy to my weight loss.

Flipping back through my journal, I noticed a pattern. I love giving myself kudos for good decisions. Sure, I write down the bad and reprimand myself also, but the ones that pop are my successes. It occured to me: I'm proud of those decisions. So on Monday in big bold letters I wrote across the top of the page of my journal:

BE PROUD OF YOUR CHOICES.

I didn't limit myself. I told myself that if I must eat chocolate, go for it, but be proud of it. Honestly? Eating chocolate at this point wouldn't make me proud so I didn't. On Monday I had a great day because I was mindful of every choice. I won't lie, I had cravings or little evil thoughts about how great a soda would be or what if I grabbed that cookie with my coffee but I wouldn't be proud of it so I found myself quite calmly deciding no. I didn't pout or feel deprived (like I sometimes do!) Quite simply by keeping in mind every decision counts, making the unhealthy choice just didn't seem worth it.

When I look at the bigger picture and maybe I have a 14-hour day planned and meetings and homework and social obligations.... OF COURSE a cookie seems like a good idea! A little comfort, a little incentive to get through the day (don't laugh, I'm sure I have used something to this extent to validate an unhealthy choice all the time).

But when you just look at the moment: to cookie or not to cookie? That is the question. Will it make me happy? Will I regret it after? Will I be proud of that decision? Um, no. The answers to those questions are no, yes, no. Suddenly, making the healthier decision is actually quite easy. So I decided to use it again on Tuesday. And again, it worked wonders. And I plan on using it again today.

So I think I finally found a mantra that works for me again. And it feels great.

Dare I say, I'm quite proud of myself for having found it ;)

My Favourite Kind of Reboot

I am a social loner. I love being social, but I can very easily go off and do my own thing. Sometimes I am defiant about it, most times though it comes very naturally to me. I think it's the latter that worries, scares, or confuses people. But when I'm confident about something people's opinions rarely matter to me.

I felt the need to blog today because it feels like forever since I have. Then I saw that my last post was Sunday - hardly 'forever' ago. But that tells me that much has happened, and indeed it has. Mentally and emotionally.

I am recharged. Refreshed. In control (oh, that last one has to be my favourite!). I spent Thursday and Friday completely alone in my little NYC apartment and absolutely adored every minute of it. Saturday and Sunday I worked, but I didn't mind. I was still in my own little world taking a little mental stay-cation.

I always talk about breathe and reboot. It's something that has always worked for me; it's my way of re-centering myself. But the only way I truly know how to do it is to strip back all the details of my life for at least 24 hours and get back to basics. No commitments, no obligations, no errands, nothing. However my life has been so crazy that I've been having to fudge my reboots and work with what I have given, which has been disappointing as well as frustrating.

By getting rid of all distractions, I can focus on me and what I want and what is important. This goal. Period. By reassessing my determination for this goal and the reasons I still want it so very much, I start crossing every T and doting every I, and I start to feel that feeling of control over my path again. I start really enjoying and getting truly excited about this journey again. Not from a novelty or fleeting moment; but from true inspiration that I am able to shape my own future and that control is truly within my grasp.

I'm babbling a bit but my point is I am so uber on track right now it's almost silly. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and I rarely say it, but also spiritually. But I'm not taking it for granted. It's still very fragile and I need to stay focused on it to turn in into a habit. If "It takes 21 days to create a habit" then I have a way to go yet. But I'm not deterred. With every decision, and every day, the healthy decisions get easier and the bad ones lose their weight and importance.

Damn it's nice to have control again.

PS. You should see my journal: scribbles over every inch of every page since Thursday and even spilling into the spaces from earlier in the week; Love it!